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Old Yesterday, 05:04 PM
 
696 posts, read 217,996 times
Reputation: 1922

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
Without getting into lots of details, I yesterday evening I was unceremoniously dumped via email after 12 years together (never married, and a long distance relationship the last 7, which has a hell of a lot to do with the problem) and I'm thinking it's probably going to be a lasting thing.


In an effort to "buck up" some today, I scoured all of the dating sites to see what is out there. From what I can tell since I last went looking for a new girlfriend when I was 28, it's a horror show by contrast. I'm sure it varies from region to region, and frankly from time to time based on just the dumb luck of who is available, but it is BLEAK right now.


I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, or be pretentious, be realize the wound is still VERY fresh and I'm not picking on any individual person or their circumstances. I don't know anyone here, or on all of those dating sites... So, if I say something with less tact than I should have, please accept my apology up front.



To frame what I mean... I'm no awesome catch in terms of good looks or physique, but I have a good job, I have a very good education, I have all of the normal adult things going on (a little savings, vehicles, a place to live, etc), and I'm generally a pretty decent guy. I'm a generous lover and I just generally like spending time with someone I love and I don't mind being the high tide that raises all ships if the situation is good. What I mostly want in life is for others to leave me alone and I will pay them the same courtesy, even at my expense. I also don't have any kids. So, I'm almost exactly "Mr. No Excitement". I am a homebody and I developed anxiety issues several years ago that make things like going out on normal dates absolutely miserable for me. That said, guys like retired Navy SEALS have those problems way worse than I do and they all end up with great women (not that I'm in their league, but...), so, it's clearly not impossible with the right attitude. I'm never going to do runs or pulls ups against those guys, but I can't think of a reason I can't have the same mental hardness that they've developed to overcome their own obstacles. So, anyhow, the last thing in the world I want to do is go out bar hopping... Especially since I don't drink. And I'm in a new town. Plus I've never had any luck picking up women that way. ALL of my girlfriends all the way back to just after high school I've found online. Back then it was actually pretty awesome, because the women you would find had a pretty high level of technical skills. Over the years I've ended up dating a chemist, PhD level linguist, and some other really awesome women that just didn't work out for assorted reasons... Until it did... for 12 years...



Keeping in mind I'm not targeting any of YOU with my opinions here:



However, what I'm seeing out there are women that are just horror shows. I'm talking women of all ages with face or neck tattoos. Women who want to sit in lawn chairs in the back yard and get drunk while their kids jump on trampolines. Women who want to do loads of outdoor activities that I hate (and just can't do for health reasons, some explained above). Then there's a large contingent of women that appear to be leaving dead bedrooms and just want to party (or may be actual ads for prostitutes... who knows?). Basically, my VERY judgemental, day 1 of being dumped view, is that I'm seeing lots and lots of "practice girls" that never moved on and are all a massive downgrade from where I was, even though we had our own problems.



So... From the people that have been there, what are my odds really looking like here? Also, I'm assuming 6 months or more in the future when I'll be in a better place and not nearly as "judgey", but my criteria is going to be about the same. A nice accomplished woman with a similar life, similar goals and desires to me.


One thing I'm feeling right off the bat, and I've seen coming for years now, is that I'm absolutely damning myself by being a smoker. Including myself in this camp when I say it, it seems that only the biggest of idiots are still sucking down cancer canes on the regular and I feel that's going to destroy my chances more than almost anything at this point. 12 years ago it really wasn't that big of a deal to find a girl that was decent and smoked, but, I think the decent ones got smarter since then. It also appears that the political climate is making things hard too as a guy that is a fairly traditional mid-western conservative. I don't love everything any politician does, but I'm totally not into the calling people names about who they voted for gambit and there seems to be a lot of that right now too.



Anyhow, again, I'm not trying to be super offensive to anyone here personally (I don't know you, I'm not trying to date you, please don't be offended if I just perfectly described you and then made other false assumptions about YOU, because that's not what I'm intending to do)...



I'm just really sad and the doorway I opened today only made it worse, where in the past it was like "wow, look at all of those fish!". What are my real options here? Do I need to start attending some social clubs or professional organizations or something and "troll" for women there (seems like a great way to find wonderful women that have probably been married for at least 10 years, imo, thus not being at all helpful)? Or is online dating just fine and it's me looking at the bad apples right now that is getting me down?


I also don't want you to get the impression that I'm looking for some type of perfection that doesn't exist. I have loads of my own warts, and I've learned today that anyone dating at my age is going to be right full of baggage too, so I expect all of that. I'm also not looking for rich or super attractive women. I'm basically thinking a typical 35-45 year old professional woman (teacher, healthcare, whatever) would be fine, but I'm just not finding them...


I appreciate any thoughts you can share. Again, I'm really sorry if this was all too gruff. I'm just in a bad spot right now.
I've had good male friends with the some of the same concerns as you have regarding dating, although they don't have the additional baggage of being smokers, having anxiety to the degree that you do that precludes what most people (even many introverts) would consider to be normal social activities, and being deeply conservative, i.e. not the old-school traditional fiscal conservative with something of a social conscience, but the newer type that turns a blind eye to the shenanigans of the distraction who currently occupies the big house on Pennsylvania Avenue (I don't know where your leanings are, per se, but given that your girlfriend freaked out, I'm guessing that you're not the former type--not that it matters here in this forum).

Your politics aside, the smoking and especially the social anxiety would be the true deal breakers for many women as it's nice to sometimes get outside of the house and do a variety of things with a significant other. The fact that you do not drink is not a net negative. Speaking as someone who was once married to someone who was alcohol dependent, it's appealing to be with someone who doesn't *have* to drink.

Dating has not been easy for these guy friends of mine, but the one who has had the greatest success in dating created his own special interest group(s) over the years. (He met his current girlfriend through the urban exploration and photography group that he created. So far, so good it seems.) He also did the usual Match.com, etc., with varied results.

From the female perspective: I've only done online dating exactly once, which is how I met my current partner. According to him, I'm an extreme outlier in that he's the only person he knows who has had a one hundred percent success rate with online dating. Dating post-divorce hasn't been bad, but save my age, I don't have any of the traits of the women who you have seen online except that I do enjoy outdoor activities. (No children, no tattoos, don't drink as a form of entertainment or smoke, etc.)

I wish you luck in dating once you've healed a bit. There are still plenty of "keepers" out there, O.P. Try not to become prematurely disheartened.

 
Old Yesterday, 05:43 PM
 
306 posts, read 212,264 times
Reputation: 419
Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
I've had good male friends with the some of the same concerns as you have regarding dating, although they don't have the additional baggage of being smokers, having anxiety to the degree that you do that precludes what most people (even many introverts) would consider to be normal social activities, and being deeply conservative, i.e. not the old-school traditional fiscal conservative with something of a social conscience, but the newer type that turns a blind eye to the shenanigans of the distraction who currently occupies the big house on Pennsylvania Avenue (I don't know where your leanings are, per se, but given that your girlfriend freaked out, I'm guessing that you're not the former type--not that it matters here in this forum).

Your politics aside, the smoking and especially the social anxiety would be the true deal breakers for many women as it's nice to sometimes get outside of the house and do a variety of things with a significant other. The fact that you do not drink is not a net negative. Speaking as someone who was once married to someone who was alcohol dependent, it's appealing to be with someone who doesn't *have* to drink.

Dating has not been easy for these guy friends of mine, but the one who has had the greatest success in dating created his own special interest group(s) over the years. (He met his current girlfriend through the urban exploration and photography group that he created. So far, so good it seems.) He also did the usual Match.com, etc., with varied results.

From the female perspective: I've only done online dating exactly once, which is how I met my current partner. According to him, I'm an extreme outlier in that he's the only person he knows who has had a one hundred percent success rate with online dating. Dating post-divorce hasn't been bad, but save my age, I don't have any of the traits of the women who you have seen online except that I do enjoy outdoor activities. (No children, no tattoos, don't drink as a form of entertainment or smoke, etc.)

I wish you luck in dating once you've healed a bit. There are still plenty of "keepers" out there, O.P. Try not to become prematurely disheartened.

Mod cut.

You hit the 2 issues I'm the most worried about, with the smoking being not that huge of a deal as I'm a self-loather anyhow. Mod cut.


The anxiety is a different issue... The long and short of it is that after a decade of back breaking work I finally managed to land my dream job, and after 88 years of continual operation in the same facility, they closed it in my 4th year with them. I immediately went into emotional melt-down mode and quite literally began pooping blood. I then did the absolutely wrong thing and stuck it out until the bitter end for the severance package. Ever since then, IBS is real problem for me. So, things like going out specifically to eat, is highly unenjoyable for me. If I'm going to eat something and then get immediately sick (when there's nothing wrong with the food, just something wrong with me), I want to do it at home. It also seems like a hard thing to explain away on a date in a new relationship when I'm in the bathroom for 45 minutes while she's sitting at the table by herself. Plus, clearly, it's embarrassing as hell. This is a problem that manifested after I got with my ex, and she was supportive and understanding so it was fine. Back in the day, it was no big deal at all for me to take an 5 hour road trip after work on Friday, have dinner, and drive right back home. In fact, I love that stuff... I just can't do it anymore and there really isn't any cure for it. So, that's that issue... and it's a big problem.



As far as online dating, ever since I got out of high school that's pretty much been my exclusive go-to, and until 2 days ago, I would have told you it was working out awesome. Ex and I met through Match. As soon as I got out of HS I took a job working 3rd shift and then shortly after that started attending school in the day. That left both little time and little opportunity to go seek out mates, so, to the internet I went. As time went on in school, it actually became even harder to meet women in normal life because I have a technical degree and there were exactly 2 female students in the entire building 95% of my classes were in. Plus I was just too busy most of the time to be able to go out anyhow. When I graduated, I immediately had to move out of town to get my first job, so I knew no one (sort of the boat I'm in now too), so it was the same story again. A couple of years later I moved back home, once again fired up Match, and now ex appeared after kissing a few other frogs on the way... So, it's not something I'm afraid of or anything. It's just after a long absence from the market, things have changed.


I'm sure you're right that with enough determination and eventual positive attitude that I'll end up with someone special again, but that first peek through the cracked door was the wake up call I had always feared was lurking out there, and it was immediately confirmed. I have wasted my entire 30s (I was 28 when we got together... just "kids" the way I look at things now) in a relationship with someone that didn't pan out and now the dating pool is MUCH less plentiful. I mean, it makes sense... Most people don't want to to stay single forever and for most people their early 30s is kind of last call for starting a family, and I let all of that blow by me... So here I am.

Last edited by PJSaturn; Today at 07:57 AM.. Reason: Hijacking; way off-topic.
 
Old Yesterday, 05:58 PM
 
5,040 posts, read 1,561,622 times
Reputation: 7035
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
No more women that can't come up with $20
You really do seem to be forgetting who dumped who.

I don't know how much distance was involved with this long distance relationship, but this person (who allegedly can't come up with $20) drove all the way to your place last week to bring you to the chiropractor when you hurt your back. That alone tells me she's a good person.

And here you are...telling a bunch of strangers on the internet that she doesn't have her life together.

You need a serious reality check.
 
Old Yesterday, 06:08 PM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
7,534 posts, read 13,045,518 times
Reputation: 31400
Max, all I can say is good luck. Last time I tried an online dating service was 20 years ago. Second lady I dated was very nice. Went to a friend's house to play cards and I was her DD since she wanted to drink a few wine coolers and I don't drink. On the way back to her house at 3 AM I could sense something was wrong and asked her. She told me she asked her friend (where we played cards) if we could use his spare bedroom for a little while before we left and I never tried to do anything to her! "You made me horny all night long (all I did was talk to her!) and then all you want to do is leave! I wanted to go to bed!" Needless to say she wouldn't go out on a second date. lol
 
Old Yesterday, 06:09 PM
 
306 posts, read 212,264 times
Reputation: 419
Quote:
Originally Posted by redplum33 View Post
You need a serious reality check.
Mod cut.

I also never said she was a bad person... You may have missed it, but I not happy about any of this at all and would have really liked to have built a life with her. Those two things don't make any sense, do they?


I also didn't tell you I had to pay for the gas for her to do that... and the car... and the repairs to the car (that I performed myself, many, many times, rain or shine, whatever else I had going on be damned)... for 10 years... and some of her motivation for dumping me is that she just finally admitted that she was never going to get right, isn't going to try, is tired of me begging her to do it, and lots of luck to me in the future... after 12 years. In an email, from clear blue skies. In case you missed it, or didn't read between the lines, this was also while I could barely walk and missed the entire previous week of work. Guess how work went yesterday? It didn't...


This well goes much, much, deeper too... But, unlike whatever you think, I'm actually not trying to bad mouth her. I'm just telling you that I'm straight up never getting in a relationship like that one again and I'm making sure my sights are set high enough that it doesn't happen.

Mod cut.

Last edited by PJSaturn; Today at 08:00 AM.. Reason: Personal attacks.
 
Old Yesterday, 06:13 PM
 
306 posts, read 212,264 times
Reputation: 419
Quote:
Originally Posted by kygman View Post
Max, all I can say is good luck. Last time I tried an online dating service was 20 years ago. Second lady I dated was very nice. Went to a friend's house to play cards and I was her DD since she wanted to drink a few wine coolers and I don't drink. On the way back to her house at 3 AM I could sense something was wrong and asked her. She told me she asked her friend (where we played cards) if we could use his spare bedroom for a little while before we left and I never tried to do anything to her! "You made me horny all night long (all I did was talk to her!) and then all you want to do is leave! I wanted to go to bed!" Needless to say she wouldn't go out on a second date. lol

That is one of the more flat out just weird dating stories I've ever heard. Absolutely nothing about that interaction makes any sense. Why the friend's house? Why get mad? Why not invite you in? So many questions...



I've heard plenty more disturbing stories, but as far as regular old oddness, that's right at the top of the list. I appreciate you sharing it as I got a chuckle out of it.
 
Old Yesterday, 06:57 PM
 
696 posts, read 217,996 times
Reputation: 1922
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
I feel like maybe, hopefully, this thread is turning more toward just shooting the bull (because I could use it), so I will a little...


I'm not a Trumpian conservative. I have never voted FOR a candidate in my life, for any office. I voted against Clinton, and my now ex is probably 15% away from one of those people who dropped to their knees screaming the street when Trump won (and I promise you she cried... since it was long distance, I wasn't there, of course), and has gotten worse from that day forward while my life as improved radically at the same time (much better job, much better pay, much better housing, even better health, every thing is much better) for unrelated reasons. So to her, the lights went out in her world right at the same time as all of the lights came on in mine and basically ever since then I've been begging her to let me share that with her. That seemed hard for her to deal with, and as I said before, I don't mind being the tide that raises all vessels, so she reaped lots of rewards from that too, but apparently it didn't matter. If I had to pencil myself into any particular political camp, I'd likely say I'm a conservative libertarian. I try to be a live and let live dude. I just don't want to have to literally pay for the decisions of others or have their opinions about my choices rule my life for me. This was, other than some poorly entered political arguments that should have never been started in the first place, pretty much fine for her for 9 years. I would have thought it would be pretty much fine for most sane people too, but with the changing tide in the culture, there's no chance I'm going to attempt another relationship with someone that doesn't identify with at least similar political values of either "conservative", "agnostic", or "libertarian"... and we'd have to talk a lot of about what kind of libertarian. I don't want heroin in vending machines on every corner.



You hit the 2 issues I'm the most worried about, with the smoking being not that huge of a deal as I'm a self-loather anyhow. I'm killing myself trying to flip stocks to make less than what I spend on cigarettes in a month... It makes no sense.


The anxiety is a different issue... The long and short of it is that after a decade of back breaking work I finally managed to land my dream job, and after 88 years of continual operation in the same facility, they closed it in my 4th year with them. I immediately went into emotional melt-down mode and quite literally began pooping blood. I then did the absolutely wrong thing and stuck it out until the bitter end for the severance package. Ever since then, IBS is real problem for me. So, things like going out specifically to eat, is highly unenjoyable for me. If I'm going to eat something and then get immediately sick (when there's nothing wrong with the food, just something wrong with me), I want to do it at home. It also seems like a hard thing to explain away on a date in a new relationship when I'm in the bathroom for 45 minutes while she's sitting at the table by herself. Plus, clearly, it's embarrassing as hell. This is a problem that manifested after I got with my ex, and she was supportive and understanding so it was fine. Back in the day, it was no big deal at all for me to take an 5 hour road trip after work on Friday, have dinner, and drive right back home. In fact, I love that stuff... I just can't do it anymore and there really isn't any cure for it. So, that's that issue... and it's a big problem.



As far as online dating, ever since I got out of high school that's pretty much been my exclusive go-to, and until 2 days ago, I would have told you it was working out awesome. Ex and I met through Match. As soon as I got out of HS I took a job working 3rd shift and then shortly after that started attending school in the day. That left both little time and little opportunity to go seek out mates, so, to the internet I went. As time went on in school, it actually became even harder to meet women in normal life because I have a technical degree and there were exactly 2 female students in the entire building 95% of my classes were in. Plus I was just too busy most of the time to be able to go out anyhow. When I graduated, I immediately had to move out of town to get my first job, so I knew no one (sort of the boat I'm in now too), so it was the same story again. A couple of years later I moved back home, once again fired up Match, and now ex appeared after kissing a few other frogs on the way... So, it's not something I'm afraid of or anything. It's just after a long absence from the market, things have changed.


I'm sure you're right that with enough determination and eventual positive attitude that I'll end up with someone special again, but that first peek through the cracked door was the wake up call I had always feared was lurking out there, and it was immediately confirmed. I have wasted my entire 30s (I was 28 when we got together... just "kids" the way I look at things now) in a relationship with someone that didn't pan out and now the dating pool is MUCH less plentiful. I mean, it makes sense... Most people don't want to to stay single forever and for most people their early 30s is kind of last call for starting a family, and I let all of that blow by me... So here I am.
I tend to define myself as a right-leaning Democrat, which, in a nutshell, means that I'm generally generous with people until they begin to stick their hands into my pocket to simply take what they want because they feel entitled to it without either reciprocation or at least an attempt to better their own situation. That's as far as I'll share my own political leanings and general paradigm as this isn't the place for that sort of discussion. I will say, though, that my current boyfriend disclosed that he was a Republican when we first met in person. Turns out that it's a deal-breaker for many people these days, so he thought it best to reveal this fact sooner rather than later so we didn't waste one another's time. He's the sort of sensible, old-school "Rockefeller" Republican (what would now be termed a RINO) with whom I tend to get along and have interesting and in-depth discussions, so it didn't matter much to me in the grand scheme of things. (I have an inkling that you're not overly dissimilar in your political viewpoints.) Besides, it's both unhealthy and unwise for a person to surround her/his/theirself in a bubble of like-minded folks, but I digress...

The health concerns that you shared here lend a lot of clarity to why you stick close to home or a place with private and familiar bathroom facilities. I'm sorry that you have to live with that as it must make day to day living difficult--not just the prospect of dating new people. I hope that you're able to get some relief from it at some point in the future so you can return to doing the simple things that most of us take for granted.

From what I've heard from my friends and acquaintances--both male and female and of all ages--the dating market *has*changed. Dating has never been easy for most, but the stakes seem to be higher now before people even meet in person for the first time. It's difficult to tell if it's the illusion of endless choices or that all of the best ones are partnered.

That being said: a gainfully employed man who writes well, has had at least one long-term relationship, has no children, and has as much of his life together as you seem to have is going to be a "find" for someone.

Not everyone--even in the cities--is a rabid liberal who chooses to live in a bubble of their own making just as not everyone in the rural areas is a "guns, God, and the Flag" conservative. (I was raised in one of these types of areas and now live in another with several years spent "in between" in an affluent exurb.) Most of the quieter folk are somewhere in the middle--even in the age of DJT. It's just a matter of finding them, which is easier said than done, but is still doable.

Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; Yesterday at 07:06 PM..
 
Old Yesterday, 07:03 PM
 
5,040 posts, read 1,561,622 times
Reputation: 7035
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
and some of her motivation for dumping me is that she just finally admitted that she was never going to get right, isn't going to try, is tired of me begging her to do it, and lots of luck to me in the future... after 12 years. In an email, from clear blue skies. In case you missed it, or didn't read between the lines, this was also while I could barely walk and missed the entire previous week of work. Guess how work went yesterday? It didn't...
She dumped you because you were being a jerk to her. Maybe she doesn't have her act together financially, but so what? You shouldn't be constantly nagging her. And there's nothing more divisive than the current political climate. You need to learn when to shut your mouth.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
I'm looking to vent and cry a little, and attempt to even begin to think about forming a plan for the future (which some of the people here seem to understand, and have been helpful, and even kind), and don't really have anywhere else to do it. Let me do it in peace.
Here's an idea: instead of crying and rambling on about Trump and tattoos, how about trying to fix this? Start by apologizing to her. And then make a real effort to stop being a jerk to her.
 
Old Yesterday, 07:04 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,941 posts, read 42,545,460 times
Reputation: 84893
Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
It's just a matter of finding them, which is easier said than done, but is still doable.
I agree.

I think his best bet, as I said in an earlier post, is to connect with someone online but not on a dating site, a forum similar to this one where he can chat with people and get to know them.

Maybe even an IBS support forum would be a good idea. He could start chatting about the experiences of others in trying to find a connection when you are limited in your dating options.
 
Old Yesterday, 07:09 PM
 
696 posts, read 217,996 times
Reputation: 1922
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
This these a mute feature for this jack wagon?
Unfortunately, no. Remember what I wrote in my rep comment and act according, i.e., simply ignore that person's posts as it's not worth the energy of typing responses to them.
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