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Old 08-22-2019, 10:13 PM
 
706 posts, read 220,840 times
Reputation: 1938

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
I agree with your entire general view on politics and I also felt it was a good thing that we were at opposite ends of the spectrum on some issues. I learned a lot and grew a lot from it. However, when the conversation boils down to you're a sexist or racist or whatever it is thing today, that's not a conversation anymore. So. enlightened Max doesn't mind those actual conversations, but I'm not too willing to believe there are heaps of people out there on that side of the fence. I'd rather to just go in guns blazing and wearing it on my sleeve that it's something I want. I don't mind church women or any of that, I just don't want to go to church, so I would think that camp would be suitable for me as well, but religiously I'm agnostic. So... It's weird. It seems that there is likely a pool out there for me, but it's going to be narrow. Obviously worth the time in the end, but, frustrating right now because I thought I had this about 80% figured out, and no we're back to 0.


Yeah, the IBS isn't getting better over the 9 or so years I've had it. For anxiety in general, the last 2 days have been horrific, which is why I'm here. I'm a total wreck. I was sweating all day today for no apparent reason other than just flat out nerves. I'm waking up after sleeping 45 minutes covered in sweat and having nightmares. I'm just destroyed right now... No fun at all.



I suppose a support forum might be helpful, but what I've seen in the past is they only want to talk abot diet plans that, hilariously, work exactly backward for me. All of the IBS trigger foods are the only things I can eat, which sucks. So, tons of greasy meat and starch, but if I touch an ounce of green beans I'm in trouble. No one, including my doctor, gets it. It's also an immense source of frustration to me because I really like those foods, and if I could eat them, I'd also shed a toddler of weight in a month, and be happy to do it. Ugh.... Anyhow, it's a thought worth putting more research into. Thanks.


Your opinion of what I have to offer (details aside) is basically what I was thinking would end up working out just fine in the dating game in the long run too. But I guess my blubbering initial post came off more ranty than it should have because I was, and still am to a lesser degree, out of my mind right now.


So, anyhow, some of the things I'm struggling with as I'm calming down is just how to address these issues, which have never existed before, going forward. There's absolutely no question that I'm going to be carrying heaps of baggage into anything in the future (from the anxiety, to the burn of a failed 12 year relationship, etc), and I don't want to pretend that won't be the case, and I would expect just about anyone else dating at my age to also have their own heaps of baggage too... But how do you even start down that road? Hi, I'm Max, sometimes I'll start sweating out of the middle of nowhere, as an adult I have pooped my pants 3 or 4 times that I remember, and it's really important for you to meet this list of a few, but important, requirements for me before we really even have more to consider... I mean, it sounds pretentious as hell, and in that language it is, but you get what I'm trying to say here. My profile isn't going to end up looking like hardly anyone else's and I feel that will be in the bad way. I obviously have other things to offer, but, I'm more worried about the warts before the jewels.



And I just don't like city life, including even regular neighborhoods anymore. For the most part they're just people doing people things, but I don't want to hear it anymore, and in fairness, I don't want to subject others to me anymore (I work on cars, and build things, with air tools, and welders, and am noisy and obnoxious in my own right) I don't want to ask them to move their cars off the lawn (curb) so I can mow. I don't want the loud parties or loud music that only happen just often enough to be excusable. It's not just where I live now either... My last neighborhood was so unbelievable selfish that people can't even believe the stories when I share them (like one guy had outdoor speakers playing classic rock 24 hours a day... When I looked at the house, I just assumed he was working in his garage with the radio on, and that's something I do too, so maybe we'll even be pals... nope.. Just 24/7 classic rock... 2am, Christmas Morning, cup of coffee, cool but not cold-cold air, just a nice peaceful moment to reflect and collect your inner thoughts, admiring the constellations, and then BOOM, Bon Jovi).



My idea of paradise is as much land as I can afford and pray that I come up with a way to maintain it and pay for it. I don't want livestock and all of that stuff... Just space, lots of it, that is peaceful. It seems obvious to me that city people probably prefer the city and are likely to perceive me as a bumpkin for my preferences. I mean, sure, why not try Chicago for women, but I really don't see that going the way of moving out to the little house on the prairie with me and my "right wing" politics.
You sound like a lot of the guys I grew up with and who still live back home in terms of your general interests--and that's not a bad thing in the least. (Would you ever consider moving to Appalachian East Central Ohio? Cheap land, ridiculously low taxes,well-paying jobs to be had in the oil and gas industry, not too far from civilization, dating pool isn't awful all things considered according to my friends who remained in the county... )

It was obvious that your initial post came out of personal pain, feelings of hopelessness, and "now what???" The truth is, it sounds as if your relationship was already on life support; as painful as it it, perhaps it might be for the best that someone finally pulled the plug on it as it seems as though you'd become incompatible even outside of the huge elephant in the room regarding her lack of financial responsibility. I really hope that you both are able to heal with time and move forward. Know also that there's little that a person can do to change another--especially when it comes to money (mis)management. You did your best, but she was probably right when she told you that she was never going to be able to change.

 
Old 08-23-2019, 02:25 AM
 
Location: around
738 posts, read 254,646 times
Reputation: 656
l'm not in the states but here was slightly better after my marriage, still very scary but it sounds a bit better.
lt took awhile to find my way through the mind field, l was literally horrified at first and thought if that;s all that's out there now days, it'd been 20yrs, then lt looks like it's all over for me. But good worthwhile women started to appear eventually andddd, never looked back since.
They are out there it took awhile and you def' have to hone in your picker quite a lot actually first , talking 40s somewhere. early 50s, probably older than what you'd be looking at from what l can gather.

Anyway , take some time out first of all and get yourself in a better place. Take all the time you need , there's plenty of women they'll still be there later.

Last edited by hawk101; 08-23-2019 at 02:46 AM..
 
Old 08-23-2019, 05:16 AM
 
351 posts, read 220,774 times
Reputation: 510
Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
You sound like a lot of the guys I grew up with and who still live back home in terms of your general interests--and that's not a bad thing in the least. (Would you ever consider moving to Appalachian East Central Ohio? Cheap land, ridiculously low taxes,well-paying jobs to be had in the oil and gas industry, not too far from civilization, dating pool isn't awful all things considered according to my friends who remained in the county... )

It was obvious that your initial post came out of personal pain, feelings of hopelessness, and "now what???" The truth is, it sounds as if your relationship was already on life support; as painful as it it, perhaps it might be for the best that someone finally pulled the plug on it as it seems as though you'd become incompatible even outside of the huge elephant in the room regarding her lack of financial responsibility. I really hope that you both are able to heal with time and move forward. Know also that there's little that a person can do to change another--especially when it comes to money (mis)management. You did your best, but she was probably right when she told you that she was never going to be able to change.

Where I am isn't significantly different from the area you're suggesting and I lived in Ohio for a few years before. The issue is that I, like a lot of people my age, have aging parents and my only sibling split for the east coast 20 years ago. So, someone has to be here to help out some as their lives start to wind down. That's a lot of the appeal of where I am now. I'm about 1.5 hours from their place (and also 1.5 hours from ex's parents, not that it matters now). I also work in manufacturing (not oil and gas) and those hubs in Ohio have been dying for years now outside of the major cities, which I just don't like.



It doesn't seem like it was obvious to all... But anyhow, I think she pulled the plug because she knew I wouldn't, because I've flat out said so before. I told her that I wasn't going to give up on her after all of this time, and effort, and the pain along the way (and again, this whole story is much larger than anything I've shared here), and just because of flat out love. That's the part that really sucks the most... I didn't just lose a lover or a girlfriend, I lost my best friend of 12 years and it happened right when I thought things were finally about to really come together. If another dear friend had just died, she's who I'd want to talk to about it... So, it just sucks... Plus I'm sitting in a house just loaded with memories. We picked out furniture together and all of the other things you would expect from someone who was with someone so long. Part of me never wants to see any of it again... I'm sure you get that.


Anyhow... Day 3 is now just beginning. I actually slept a few hours last night without nightmares, which is a start, so... We'll see.
 
Old 08-23-2019, 05:23 AM
 
351 posts, read 220,774 times
Reputation: 510
Quote:
Originally Posted by hawk101 View Post
l'm not in the states but here was slightly better after my marriage, still very scary but it sounds a bit better.
lt took awhile to find my way through the mind field, l was literally horrified at first and thought if that;s all that's out there now days, it'd been 20yrs, then lt looks like it's all over for me. But good worthwhile women started to appear eventually andddd, never looked back since.
They are out there it took awhile and you def' have to hone in your picker quite a lot actually first , talking 40s somewhere. early 50s, probably older than what you'd be looking at from what l can gather.

Anyway , take some time out first of all and get yourself in a better place. Take all the time you need , there's plenty of women they'll still be there later.

I hear you, and I appreciate all of that, but it's just terrifying to think about... I feel like I've wasted so much time already that burning several more years just looking again is going to be entirely demoralizing. Again, these are thoughts for way out in the future, but it's still on my mind now. If you haven't guessed it yet, I'm a planner and a worrier and the biggest plan of my life just got burned down, so I'm really out sorts right now.



50s is a bit far for me... I browsed 33-47, and I feel like that's a pretty extreme range already. At 50, a lot of the issues I would have with becoming attached to someone else's kids would probably be less of an issue, but I'd prefer to stay closer to my age range. I also feel like going any younger would be just as big of a disaster even if younger women were interested (which I strongly doubt). The 20-somethings I work with are just from a completely different planet, much more so than the older people.
 
Old 08-23-2019, 05:52 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
37,389 posts, read 46,100,281 times
Reputation: 62290
So, I’ve skimmed most of the posts, and you’ve gotten a lot of good advice.

When I see a smoker, I think that person must be either very weak, or mentally defective. Neither of these traits is attractive. Start by overcoming this.

When I hear of a person who would settle for a long distance “relationship” for 7 years, I think that person is not good at taking charge of his life. Steer your own ship. If it takes counseling to help you out of a rut, get some. What could it hurt?

As others have said, take some time to evaluate your life, and see how you can be in a better you. You have many desirable qualities too. You’re just off balance right now. You do not need a relationship now.
 
Old 08-23-2019, 07:09 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
4,593 posts, read 4,374,550 times
Reputation: 5423
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, Atlguy answered your question, because, like you, he's in the Midwest. He agrees that you need to get out of the Midwest. Though you'd think that Chicago would have plenty of variety. Kansas City, it's not.

Though I find it hard to believe, that in all of Chicago, you can't find attractive 35-40-ish yr. old women without tattoos, and such. That's still a pretty young age range. Maybe you need to get off OLD, and network through friends, go to mixers and a variety of singles events, and so on. You know--real life searching, vs. online. Have you tried that?
I don't remember reading how far away from Chicago he is. If he's an hour away, it could still be hard because women aren't willing to drive, usually. I can't tell you how many women online I see willing to travel no more than 10-20 miles to meet someone.
 
Old 08-23-2019, 07:17 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
4,593 posts, read 4,374,550 times
Reputation: 5423
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
I'm way ahead of you there... Next future potential long term mates and neighbors are all getting a full screening. Too many bad surprises of all shapes and sizes over the years for me to not make that minimal investment.


I'll also throw one in my column on that note... I will be 100% debt-free in December, thus beginning the first decade since 1980 (probably owed my mom $20 in 1990 for a Nintendo game or something) that I'm confident I will be entering debt free... Also likely the last... I also sold my house and became a renter when I moved, so I'm cheating, but, I'll take it. I also don't insist YOU are debt free, but massive piles of student and unsecured debt at 40, with no retirement savings, and with no clear means to change it, just isn't something I'm going to get into. As I've said more than a few times, that was a huge wedge in my last relationship.
This is excellent. I agree. I became debt free at 44 and I absolutely refuse to be with a woman who can't manage her money and has no retirement savings. Unfortunately, it can take time to figure all that out. That said, I agree, and congrats for getting out of debt!
 
Old 08-23-2019, 07:30 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
4,593 posts, read 4,374,550 times
Reputation: 5423
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post


It's terrifying how many people haven't bothered to answer the question I asked, except you and a couple of others who tried. Thanks. I was starting to think it was just me... And if you've been out there searching for 10 years then you picked up almost exactly where I left off in the dating scene. It sounds like you've seen exactly the change I'm talking about as well and that change isn't that they're just older. I'm also open to believing that geography and all of that can be a factor, but it never was a problem 12-15 years ago when I was last dating a fair bit. My smoking is the one thing that I can absolutely, without question, look at and very clearly see the social changes from 10-15 years ago as now being a problem for me, and I counted on that one going in. I didn't expect everything else.
Thanks. I feel your pain, I really do. I dated a fair amount right after my divorce, but A. I wasn't ready, and B. I was still dealing with being underemployed post recession. My confidence was shot. So after doing that for 3 years in Atlanta, with subpar results due to confidence/job situation, I moved out west for a career saving job. BUT I traded any sort of personal life for my career (little did I know at the time). It is beyond rough where I live and the few people (men and women, btw) who I've met not from here (because everyone was born here and NEVER leaves), agree with me. Its cliquish and difficult and a 1950's social mentality. Its the Twilight Zone, basically.

Do you have a prescription for anxiety? Klonopin might help. I've needed it in the past. Of course, therapy would help too. Trust me, I've tried it all. All have been incrementally helpful to the point where I'm in a good place. I own a house, have money in the bank, good career, no debt, in shape, look young, honest, loyal, etc. None of it matters these days partly because of where I live, and partly because of how much the world has changed. I've about thrown in the towel. I'm not saying you should at all (especially if you want a family), but I have.
 
Old 08-23-2019, 07:45 AM
 
Location: NW Indiana
40,369 posts, read 15,308,484 times
Reputation: 102655
I've reviewed this thread and cleaned it up more than once. Inappropriate posts have been edited or deleted.

OP, you've received a lot of sage advice from many members here. The thread is now closed.
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