U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old Yesterday, 09:07 AM
 
1,057 posts, read 274,734 times
Reputation: 1799

Advertisements

I wouldn't attend any function with him -- he is too unpredictable, embarrassing you, the children, etc. Drinking in the car is shows he has no regard for his children also. I would consider myself a single parent. If he wants to take the children somewhere fine, he can go solo. If you want to take the children somewhere, go solo. I would try to plan birthday parties that do not include him or let him know you dont expect him to attend. I wouldn't plan anything for him to do with the children. Give him a taste of life as a single parent. He has to want a family life with you and the children. Some people only understand that when they can see consequences. Like a child, you start removing some of the "privileges" of the life he has. This isn't ideal but hopefully cuts down on conflicts. You are asking wether you can be happy with detachment . . . I don't know. But I think the goal for now is for a peaceful co-existance as much as practical.

Try to create a social circle with one parent families. Good luck.

Last edited by Maddie104; Yesterday at 09:46 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old Yesterday, 09:13 AM
 
1,103 posts, read 1,161,640 times
Reputation: 836
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
You already know what you should do, but you won’t do it. Why bother asking?

I hope you keep going to therapy, because so far, it is not working. You have choices. Continuing to be unhappy, tolerating abusive behavior, and settling for less than you deserve are choices. You are using your parents as an excuse. I seriously doubt if your parents want you in an abusive marriage. You think you are trapped, but you are not. There are a lot of women who have gotten free of men who abuse them.

If his bad behavior is due to alcoholism, perhaps there is a chance of salvaging the marriage if he quit, but that would be up to him.
sometimes talking about it itself heals the heart. I already said in my first post that leaving him is not my option.
I had asked to see if there is anything that can be done.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:20 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,941 posts, read 42,545,460 times
Reputation: 84893
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post

Is it possible to be happy while being detached?
It depends on how you define happiness.

Most likely it will be more of a sense of satisfaction than outright happiness because deep down you will KNOW that your situation sucks and that it makes you feel helpless. It's hard to be HAPPY when you're volunteering for that.

That's why you should continue therapy (maybe with a different therapist) and start reading up on this.

Focus on the positives in your life. Walk away when he insults you, etc. Just stop taking his bait. You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:30 AM
 
1,103 posts, read 1,161,640 times
Reputation: 836
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228 View Post
If you absolutely won't leave him and he won't go to marriage counseling prepare yourself for a lifetime of disappointment, sadness and angst. Maybe when the kids leave home and your parents are gone you will find the courage but by then your husband will have destroyed your self esteem to the point where you will be a shell of the person you once were.

We can't wave a magic want and make things better for you. That's something you have to do yourself to change your life. I hope you value yourself enough to not let your children see how your husband treats you because they will think this is normal behavior for a married couple and will probably repeat it when they get married. If nothing else, think of the example you are setting for your children.
I am trying to have something of my own, trust me. 4 years ago when the major issue happened, I decided to focus on myself, be positive, peruse my love for cooking...last year, i released a cookbook of my own. Its just such a proud moment you know, this is something i did on my own, working on recipes a 100 times each before it went publishing....nothing of this kind comes in his vocabulary when he talks about me. Its always about how short I am.

Actually, I grew up with parents who still love each other so much, after being married for close to 50 years now. Theyve been a very good influence on me. I obviously dont want the kids to model the dads behaviour..
at the same time, he has been a good dad too. Taking us for camping trips, our village carnivals, in general being there for the kids. I think that is why I am so torn; about not being able to see the kids away from him, even in a joint custody.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
37,352 posts, read 46,056,255 times
Reputation: 62200
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
Is it possible to be happy while being detached? I am genuinely considering this. I am really trying hard to be happy, to keep the kids happy, to keep the home clean, cook, pay for daycare etc etc
He does his own thing too but nothing I ever do is enough.

why is he not seeing me? Why, he married me after meeting me...its not like it was a forced marriage. It was arranged, yes but it wasnt forced.
I honestly didnt know him before getting married, met him twice before getting married. before anyone gets shocked at this, please know that the place where this happed, this actually is the norm.

I am just trying to make sense of what makes a person happy; if its indeed somehow my fault to have an expectation. If it indeed is funny to make jokes on a spouse and I am totally overreacting...

I am so unsure at this point.
So, are you in America, or a foreign country? If you are in a foreign country with draconian rules about women being expected to live in misery, then you will probably not get satisfying answers from us.

If you are here, then take advantage of the freedom of choices and help that is available.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:34 AM
 
1,103 posts, read 1,161,640 times
Reputation: 836
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smog Alert View Post
Are you better off with him or without him? He sounds like an alcoholic too.
I am not sure if he is one, but there is a big possibility he is heading there
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:35 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,378 posts, read 326,166 times
Reputation: 1205
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
My sister recently divorced. while this created a major scandal, my dad ended up getting a stroke; i cannot put my parents through this again. I am being unfair here...its not them, I am not, i dont have the courage to leave him. I cannot leave him, kids will be devastated and I honestly made the vows to stay married for good and I really wish to work on this...on us. there has to be something else i can do without having to leave him?
It takes two people to work on a marriage Maila.....you can't do it by yourself..............& it's devastating to keep your kids in this situation!!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:38 AM
 
1,103 posts, read 1,161,640 times
Reputation: 836
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
What if you moved out? Stay married, but move out.


Are you and your parents in the same city? Would they necessarily have to know that you moved out?


Something tells me your husband doesn't necessarily want out, but resents the arrangement. Let him get a taste of what it's like being by himself. Personally, I think YOU would be happier with some space between the two of you.
Exactly; he doesnt necessarily wants out; he likes being married, having a wife and coming home to kids. he just expects me to be ok with everything he does, including leaving me to attend to 30 people while he is with buddies drinking.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:41 AM
 
1,103 posts, read 1,161,640 times
Reputation: 836
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
A therapist told you that?

Lol
Yes...it actually did help me, at that point at least. I had so log ago forgotten my own needs that I literally had to make an effort to think and execute what makes me happy.
I had stopped reading books which I used to enjoy, I had stopped coming up with new recipes and it used to give me immense happiness, this cooking. Only when the therapist encouraged me saying that i have to
de-indianise myself and accept/see that its ok to prioritise myself over everything else if i want to start searching for happiness...clearly, i wasnt happy at that point.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:44 AM
 
1,103 posts, read 1,161,640 times
Reputation: 836
Quote:
Originally Posted by archineer View Post
It's simple. He's been forced to marry someone he doesn't love and resents you for it. You can't make him love you.
It isnt always like this you know, in my life. There are some days I am so happy that I get afraid that something bad will happen and the happiness will go away. My mom keeps telling me that nothing is permanent, neither happiness, nor sadness. So dont fret when things go wrong because once they do, there is no where else for it to go but correct itself.

maybe I am misunderstanding the concept of love and happiness. maybe when we are truly happy togetehr also, we dont love each other but we are happy anyway.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top