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Old 08-22-2019, 09:48 AM
 
1,103 posts, read 1,163,297 times
Reputation: 836

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Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
All great advice BB, but especially this is the sticking point for me. ^
In order to save your sanity by practicing detachment and letting him make his own choices, to get his own consequences— it takes great energy and mind control. Only to have your child reach an age of intelligence where she asks: “What exactly are you doing here? He isn’t even nice to you.

What kind of life do you want? It’s more difficult to be a single parent while still in the relationship, than it is on your own, seriously!
What exactly do I want...

1. I want him to respect me
2. i want him to stop expecting things like me being tall (thats obviously not going to happen)
3. I want him to tell me that its going to be ok
4. I want him to recognise that I am burning myself out and i may snap one day...that day wont be good for anyone.
5. I want him to reduce his drinking....almost everytime he drinks, we end up fighting. he mostly tells me its my fault.


yes, he knows that this is what i want as I specifically told him so. Nothing changes anyway.

so, either I prepare myself to be detached or ...or, I dont know.
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Old 08-22-2019, 09:53 AM
 
1,071 posts, read 277,269 times
Reputation: 1799
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
What exactly do I want...

1. I want him to respect me
2. i want him to stop expecting things like me being tall (thats obviously not going to happen)
3. I want him to tell me that its going to be ok
4. I want him to recognise that I am burning myself out and i may snap one day...that day wont be good for anyone.
5. I want him to reduce his drinking....almost everytime he drinks, we end up fighting. he mostly tells me its my fault.


yes, he knows that this is what i want as I specifically told him so. Nothing changes anyway.

so, either I prepare myself to be detached or ...or, I dont know.
You need to respect yourself first. Tolerating mistreatment shows a lack of self-respect.
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Old 08-22-2019, 10:01 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,960 posts, read 42,565,198 times
Reputation: 84983
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
What exactly do I want...

1. I want him to respect me
2. i want him to stop expecting things like me being tall (thats obviously not going to happen)
3. I want him to tell me that its going to be ok
4. I want him to recognise that I am burning myself out and i may snap one day...that day wont be good for anyone.
5. I want him to reduce his drinking....almost everytime he drinks, we end up fighting. he mostly tells me its my fault.
You need to make a new list of wants. None of this ^^^ is likely to happen, at least not at your urging.

Think of things that are realistic to want, if you stay in this situation.
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Old 08-22-2019, 10:17 AM
 
7,596 posts, read 11,700,216 times
Reputation: 8479
I must say...

When you are dealing with arranged marriages, your expectation of what your spouse will be are likely different.

I mean, do you expect that somebody who is an arranged marriage with you is going to finish your obscure Woody Allen joke for you?

Unlikely you're going to get that lucky.

This sort of thing could have been reasonably expected.

I think really, he's fulfilling his 'responsibility' from that point of view.

At this point, you can eschew your culture, but honestly ... probably should have done it long ago.
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Old 08-22-2019, 10:20 AM
 
Location: London, U.K.
2,926 posts, read 3,324,685 times
Reputation: 1605
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
It isnt always like this you know, in my life. There are some days I am so happy that I get afraid that something bad will happen and the happiness will go away. My mom keeps telling me that nothing is permanent, neither happiness, nor sadness. So dont fret when things go wrong because once they do, there is no where else for it to go but correct itself.

maybe I am misunderstanding the concept of love and happiness. maybe when we are truly happy togetehr also, we dont love each other but we are happy anyway.
You don't understand romantic love. It's not just "feeling happy". Does he make you go weak at the knees and get butterflies in your stomach just looking at him? Does he make you feel on cloud nine to the point you can't bear to be away from him? Did he ever make you feel like this? Being in love is a sort of intoxication (it feels the same as taking the drug ecstasy/MDMA in fact.) You get this over the first 6 months or so, after which it turns into a sort of emotional bonding.

Last edited by archineer; 08-22-2019 at 11:28 AM..
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Old 08-22-2019, 11:06 AM
 
Location: Hockey Rulez, Texas
825 posts, read 275,336 times
Reputation: 1311
I was married to my ex for 15 years, and for the last 8 years I only stayed to watch my son grow up. He was 2 when I had reached my breaking point. But, I stayed with the plan to hang in there until my son was 17 and thru with high school. I made it until he was 10, and then I just could not take it anymore.

It has been over 2.5 years now since I got divorced. I would say that my son is much happier now than when I was still married. He spends 1 week with me and 1 week with his mom. You are fooling yourself if you think staying in this miserable state is good for them.

Plus, we only get 1 life. You are using up your time. Life is too short to be miserable.

Last edited by MisterShipWreck; 08-22-2019 at 11:25 AM..
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Old 08-22-2019, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
15,021 posts, read 12,456,313 times
Reputation: 26723
Prepare yourself to endure more suffering.
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Old 08-22-2019, 12:57 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,934 posts, read 20,281,304 times
Reputation: 12560
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
sometimes talking about it itself heals the heart. I already said in my first post that leaving him is not my option.
I had asked to see if there is anything that can be done.
Leaving him is not only an option, it should be a priority. Don’t be a codependent doormat. These days most kids have divorced parents. It’s better for them to live without the stress of a weird, absent, drunken dad. Leave his sorry butt. The kids will get it. Their friends will explain the ins and outs of two households.

How about attending some ALANON meetings? Find some literature online. Get your head out of your backside. You’re being held hostage in a bad situation. You really might end up dead.
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Old 08-22-2019, 01:33 PM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
22,297 posts, read 21,936,243 times
Reputation: 21677
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
My sister recently divorced. while this created a major scandal, my dad ended up getting a stroke; i cannot put my parents through this again. I am being unfair here...its not them, I am not, i dont have the courage to leave him. I cannot leave him, kids will be devastated and I honestly made the vows to stay married for good and I really wish to work on this...on us. there has to be something else i can do without having to leave him?
There is this movie...Delores Claiborne.
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Old 08-22-2019, 01:55 PM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
7,536 posts, read 13,048,619 times
Reputation: 31414
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
sometimes talking about it itself heals the heart. I already said in my first post that leaving him is not my option.
I had asked to see if there is anything that can be done.
There are times (I've been there) where you don't have anybody close to talk to and it seems to help to take it out on the keyboard.
I really hope you can find a way to get some peace for you and the kids.
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