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Old 08-22-2019, 02:09 PM
 
Location: Scrapple country
1,570 posts, read 1,306,227 times
Reputation: 4681

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
I absolutely cannot leave him; it is just not in my culture and i am really not looking for anyone to tell me to leave him.
There has to be something that I can do to turn things around....again.

Edit: Married (Arranged) for 12 years, 2 kids aged 4 and 7
I don't know what to tell you, then. Is there another woman from your culture who you can talk to openly about this? Honestly...what he's doing is abusive. Is there some form of marriage counseling within your culture (one where they won't just blame you for somehow not measuring up)?
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Old 08-22-2019, 02:25 PM
 
4 posts, read 1,015 times
Reputation: 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
My mom keeps telling me that nothing is permanent, neither happiness, nor sadness. So dont fret when things go wrong because once they do, there is no where else for it to go but correct itself.
Your mom is correct in that regard, so why do you think that "marriage" needs to be permanent? She is incorrect, however, in the notion that things that go wrong always correct themselves. That needs to be something that you start for yourself.

Try to look at this from the outside: if, many years from now, your beloved child came to you and confessed that their spouse was cruel, petty, demeaning and unsupportive, including around friends and their children, and had been for years with no willingness to change, would your response be "Suck it up, buttercup, you agreed to marry this person after meeting them only twice, now deal with it!" Or would you say that they deserve someone who loves and supports them as an equal partner?

TL;DR - Is this the kind of situation you would want your child to be in someday? If not, why do you think you deserve less than that?
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Old 08-22-2019, 06:06 PM
 
10,794 posts, read 4,359,826 times
Reputation: 27185
OP, when I read your first paragraph I was ready to defend him on the grounds that indoor birthday party venues for 4 year olds are about the most miserable things you can attend, and no one has a good time. No one, not the kids, not the adults, the only people who have fun are the people making $$$.

But then I read the rest of your post, about what a jerk he is, it's a bit of a different story.

But still, it was interesting that not just your husband was in the parking lot - some of his "buddies" were there also. Presumedly to escape the obnoxiousness that a 4 year old's venue party is.

So I think you need to have a serious conversation, about what can "we do" to make things better.

Tell him you want to talk privately when the kids are in bed, and hand him a little outline hours ahead of meeting.

"Neither of us seem very happy together right now. I want to work together to make it better for both of us. Here are questions that both of us need to answer, to each other, together".

1. What made you attractive to me, that made me agree to marry you?

2. What do you do today that I find helpful and I appreciate? (You can say the camping trips, etc.)

3. What I am willing to do to make you happier: (Your answer here can be he won't have commercial indoor birthday party venues anymore, where he is expected to attend and seem happy about it. Next birthday party, we'll plan the venue together).

4. Name 2 things I can do that you would appreciate. (You can suggest 5 more times he can publicly make fun of your height, then he has to put that joke to rest, and that he never joke that you will be dead and so he can move on and marry a younger woman).

This may work, unless he's just a complete jerk at heart and your parents completely dropped the ball by not researching him a little better before choosing him for you.

In defense of arranged marriage, I have a dear friend who is Indian, arranged marriage, she only met her husband of now 34 years one time at an ice cream shop. And I don't know of any marriages that are stronger than theirs. It CAN work, if the parents take time to ask around about the character of the young people before offering their daughters and sons.
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Old 08-22-2019, 06:41 PM
 
344 posts, read 217,947 times
Reputation: 471
I admit I only skimmed here, so maybe others have beat me to it or I'm off base, but it sounds like he might have a drinking problem. Anyone who has ever been through anything like that will tell you that you're not going to win against the bottle... and the bottle is now what you're married to.



So... If you're tied to this forever and won't/can't do anything, your best bet is to try to get him to sober up, and that's a task I don't wish on anyone. Genuinely, good luck.
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Old 08-22-2019, 07:05 PM
 
890 posts, read 480,771 times
Reputation: 859
let me guess, he was exaxtly the same before you married.
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Old 08-22-2019, 08:08 PM
 
407 posts, read 104,618 times
Reputation: 816
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
Specifically, about last night. We had our son's 4th birthday party at an indoor playground. Its a small intimate indoor playground where no alcohol is allowed. When we went there, he (hubby) picked up a fight with the owner of the place over a fine print we missed and signed. He repeatedly told me that i am wearing maternity-looking cloths, kept making jokes about my height (because its funny, for him, to say i am short), out of 2 hours, he was outside over 1 hr and 15 mins drinking near the car with a few guests while i was entertaining 15 kids and 15 adults....

He would simply say, I will be right back and be gone. At one point, everyone were waiting to cut the cake, little kids between 2-5 started fidgeting because they are so little and don't want to sit still and he is out there near the car with a 'buddy' drinking...
I went outside and told him rather rudely that the guests are waiting, come back in...didn't wait for his answer and left. I was so pissed by then...

When we were back home, he was constantly saying I am being bitchy, i told him that he was out near the car for longer than he was at the party itself and he kept saying over and over about how unreasonable I am...finally he somehow made it all my fault for being disappointed with him for not being at his own son's party.

I see this pattern a lot lately; he would start off with, 'why are you being so off/ bitchy' and everything that I say after that is somehow wrong and he would get upset.

He has this very bad sense of humour; 100's of times he told me about me being dead and him marrying a 20 year old, when in trains he tells kids, oh i don't see mommy..yay we lost her.
things like that.

we've had issues in the past, major issues that I discussed here 4 years ago. And somehow I fear those issues are going to surface again.
I absolutely cannot leave him; it is just not in my culture and i am really not looking for anyone to tell me to leave him. I couldnt leave him then, I cannot now.
There has to be something that I can do to turn things around....again.


I am feeling so sad today, so sad that i want to just curl up an cry.

Edit: Married (Arranged) for 12 years, 2 kids aged 4 and 7

If this culture doesn't allow divorce from an UNHAPPY marriage, it's time to find another culture. Plan your escape from this HELL. If you are in America, then move out and find your own place. If not, you may have to leave the country you are in. I know a family that used to live in Iraq. Now they are in America and go to a Catholic church and they are very happy.

The problem you have is you are not angry at yourself about your situation. Suppose a neighbor kept dumping trash in your yard every day? You wouldn't get angry? Your life is more valuable than trash others dump on you. Literally and figuratively speaking.

The reason you don't get angry for yourself is that you don't see your life as valuable enough to do so. This is the heart of your problem. It's not your husband. It's you tolerating it. Because you don't value your life enough. This is what the therapist was trying to say.

Taking your life in your own hands is scary and you have a lot to learn how to do so. You were not taught to do so. It seems like an impossible task- to run your own life. But the fear and doubt of doing so is a lesser pain then a certain life of misery.
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Old 08-22-2019, 09:54 PM
 
Location: Kansas City North
4,123 posts, read 7,429,436 times
Reputation: 6133
You’ve said more than once he’s a good father. No....if he was a good father he would have tolerated the birthday party and not spent it drinking out in the car. A good father would not insult his children’s mother in front of them. Etc. etc.

Go to an Alanon meeting and learn how to cope with an alcoholic spouse. After that you can work on other aspects of your marriage.

I think a lot of the problems would resolve themselves if he wasn’t drinking. But that’s a decision only HE can make. In the meantime, as they say, “You do you.”
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Old 08-22-2019, 11:00 PM
 
890 posts, read 480,771 times
Reputation: 859
blaming the evil alcohol is a copout. there are alcoholics that treat her better than he does. the truth is that he doesnt respect her and is taking advantage of her. he doesn't care what she thinks.

if she' says she wont leave him, then making a thread here is just pointless complaining and a desire to have her ego propped up. She made her marriage bed, and now she must lie in it
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Old 08-23-2019, 03:09 AM
 
3,246 posts, read 1,628,892 times
Reputation: 3375
The detachment advice is very interesting. Down the line, you can see the potential problems with it especially when the plan is to not allow his behavior to affect you. It will affect you.

Here is the rule: You do more when you are relaxed and motivated. You do less when you are not. But always have a plan for both.

This is how I handle difficult times. I think about all the things I could do if I was relaxed and motivated. Between the lines this means: My husband helps out and shows he loves me. So when I am happy, I can do the things my family appreciates.

However, I also have a plan for when I am not relaxed or motivated. Between the lines this means: My husband is being selfish and mean but that is not always the case. Sometimes we bite off more than we can chew. Everything is scaled down or doesn't happen. Basically, this is an attempt to bring you back to relaxation. I also let it be known. "I'm am so tired from cleaning. We have to eat left overs." Once, or twice (who's keeping count), I actually said, "You know, our conversation really upset me. I don't think I can cook dinner tonight. Maybe not even tomorrow night," when his reaction was not to my liking. We didn't starve, btw, but it was a boring meal.

My husband didn't become more careful with his words but what he did change was his response to cue words I used during the conversation. If I use the word "annoyed", he knows to be careful and I know to walk away and rethink. But sometimes, he takes the consequence and so there is no dinner that night. Just kidding. I usually learn something I did wrong as well when he feels he can speak freely.

The idea is that while you drop your expectations of your husband, you also drop them for yourself. If he won't be kind to you, be kind to yourself. Instead of the usual routine and practices that moms follow, your new routine and practice is: When I am relaxed, I can do nice things for the family. When I am not relaxed, I have to find time for myself. Don't keep this a secret.
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Old 08-23-2019, 03:23 AM
Status: "Infractionation!" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: Earth
414 posts, read 304,927 times
Reputation: 765
You married a man-child. You're not alone.
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