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Old 08-23-2019, 05:59 AM
 
2,446 posts, read 857,160 times
Reputation: 6196

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Your sister survived divorce. You can, too. I also came from a background that frowned on divorce (Roman Catholicism). My first husband was alcoholic, controlling, made fun of me, criticized me... and he would not change. I tried counseling by myself but you can't change someone who thinks he's just fine the way he is and YOU have the problem. As for your parents, they're the ones who "selected" him. The friends I have in India whose parents arranged matches spent HOURS on the phone getting to know each other and one decided it just wasn't going to work even though the families thought it would be a great match. (She eventually found a very good man in India, on-line, and they're happily married.) It sounds like you didn't have much of a chance to see what he was really like.

Think about what this is doing to your children. Do you want them to think that it's OK for a man to treat his wife this way? My son was 12 when we divorced and had poor self-esteem, was apologizing for everything and doing poorly in school. It took YEARS for him to recover but now, at 34, he has a wonderful wife and 3 children.

I highly recommend the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Janet Evans. It really opened my eyes.
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Old 08-23-2019, 09:21 AM
 
1,700 posts, read 3,633,753 times
Reputation: 1333
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
Specifically, about last night. We had our son's 4th birthday party at an indoor playground. Its a small intimate indoor playground where no alcohol is allowed. When we went there, he (hubby) picked up a fight with the owner of the place over a fine print we missed and signed. He repeatedly told me that i am wearing maternity-looking cloths, kept making jokes about my height (because its funny, for him, to say i am short), out of 2 hours, he was outside over 1 hr and 15 mins drinking near the car with a few guests while i was entertaining 15 kids and 15 adults....

He would simply say, I will be right back and be gone. At one point, everyone were waiting to cut the cake, little kids between 2-5 started fidgeting because they are so little and don't want to sit still and he is out there near the car with a 'buddy' drinking...
I went outside and told him rather rudely that the guests are waiting, come back in...didn't wait for his answer and left. I was so pissed by then...

When we were back home, he was constantly saying I am being bitchy, i told him that he was out near the car for longer than he was at the party itself and he kept saying over and over about how unreasonable I am...finally he somehow made it all my fault for being disappointed with him for not being at his own son's party.

I see this pattern a lot lately; he would start off with, 'why are you being so off/ bitchy' and everything that I say after that is somehow wrong and he would get upset.

He has this very bad sense of humour; 100's of times he told me about me being dead and him marrying a 20 year old, when in trains he tells kids, oh i don't see mommy..yay we lost her.
things like that.

we've had issues in the past, major issues that I discussed here 4 years ago. And somehow I fear those issues are going to surface again.
I absolutely cannot leave him; it is just not in my culture and i am really not looking for anyone to tell me to leave him. I couldnt leave him then, I cannot now.
There has to be something that I can do to turn things around....again.

I am feeling so sad today, so sad that i want to just curl up an cry.

Edit: Married (Arranged) for 12 years, 2 kids aged 4 and 7


People have to have an incentive to change. Your husband does not, so what do you think is going to happen.

Sure no one, nor are all situations, always good or always bad, so your happy days and sad days are really irrelevant. Because you're in a nutty situation due to your religion or customs or whatever, there's nothing anyone can do for you.
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Old 08-23-2019, 09:29 AM
 
794 posts, read 275,047 times
Reputation: 2552
I don't really have great advice outside of open communication of your needs and therapy. But I want to pop in and acknowledge your commitment to stay married. Whether or not I or others would make the same choice, I understand and recognize that it your choice is real and should be respected.
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Old 08-23-2019, 09:49 AM
 
10,802 posts, read 4,366,459 times
Reputation: 27228
Quote:
Originally Posted by rya96797 View Post
let me guess, he was exaxtly the same before you married.
How could she have known that? This is an arranged marriage; they only met once or twice.
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Old 08-23-2019, 09:58 AM
 
110 posts, read 16,821 times
Reputation: 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
My sister recently divorced. while this created a major scandal, my dad ended up getting a stroke; i cannot put my parents through this again. I am being unfair here...its not them, I am not, i dont have the courage to leave him. I cannot leave him, kids will be devastated and I honestly made the vows to stay married for good and I really wish to work on this...on us. there has to be something else i can do without having to leave him?
You are not responsible for your parents. It is not your job to please them. They are the only ones responsible for their own attitudes and how things affect them. You deserve peace, you deserve to be happy and loved.
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Old 08-23-2019, 03:01 PM
 
4,065 posts, read 3,285,244 times
Reputation: 13351
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
What exactly do I want...

1. I want him to respect me
2. i want him to stop expecting things like me being tall (thats obviously not going to happen)
3. I want him to tell me that its going to be ok
4. I want him to recognise that I am burning myself out and i may snap one day...that day wont be good for anyone.
5. I want him to reduce his drinking....almost everytime he drinks, we end up fighting. he mostly tells me its my fault.


yes, he knows that this is what i want as I specifically told him so. Nothing changes anyway.

so, either I prepare myself to be detached or ...or, I dont know.
I dont think its reasonable to want any of those things in an arrangement marriage. He may not have been forced into it, but it is like a business arrangement, except with a business arrangement, you can end it when the contract is up.

You can't change him. You can only change you. And thats the whole of this. Its not like he was seriously in love with you and couldnt wait to get married. Sounds like he did what he was told.

Not to nit pick, but whos idea was it to have a party for a 4 year old with 15 kids and adults? Was this something he was a part of, or did you arrange this and drag him along?

Whoever thought that arranged marriages was a good idea??
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Old 08-23-2019, 04:21 PM
 
12,401 posts, read 13,719,402 times
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Arranged marriage say it all.
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Old 08-23-2019, 11:23 PM
 
905 posts, read 482,531 times
Reputation: 869
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
How could she have known that? This is an arranged marriage; they only met once or twice.
how do you know that? it can be arranged between family friends.
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Old 08-23-2019, 11:25 PM
 
905 posts, read 482,531 times
Reputation: 869
Quote:
Originally Posted by elyn02 View Post
The detachment advice is very interesting. Down the line, you can see the potential problems with it especially when the plan is to not allow his behavior to affect you. It will affect you.

Here is the rule: You do more when you are relaxed and motivated. You do less when you are not. But always have a plan for both.

This is how I handle difficult times. I think about all the things I could do if I was relaxed and motivated. Between the lines this means: My husband helps out and shows he loves me. So when I am happy, I can do the things my family appreciates.

However, I also have a plan for when I am not relaxed or motivated. Between the lines this means: My husband is being selfish and mean but that is not always the case. Sometimes we bite off more than we can chew. Everything is scaled down or doesn't happen. Basically, this is an attempt to bring you back to relaxation. I also let it be known. "I'm am so tired from cleaning. We have to eat left overs." Once, or twice (who's keeping count), I actually said, "You know, our conversation really upset me. I don't think I can cook dinner tonight. Maybe not even tomorrow night," when his reaction was not to my liking. We didn't starve, btw, but it was a boring meal.

My husband didn't become more careful with his words but what he did change was his response to cue words I used during the conversation. If I use the word "annoyed", he knows to be careful and I know to walk away and rethink. But sometimes, he takes the consequence and so there is no dinner that night. Just kidding. I usually learn something I did wrong as well when he feels he can speak freely.

The idea is that while you drop your expectations of your husband, you also drop them for yourself. If he won't be kind to you, be kind to yourself. Instead of the usual routine and practices that moms follow, your new routine and practice is: When I am relaxed, I can do nice things for the family. When I am not relaxed, I have to find time for myself. Don't keep this a secret.
i disagree that this will help.

only professional intervention at a high hourly rate or jesus can help them now.
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Old 08-24-2019, 07:25 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
44,051 posts, read 42,618,966 times
Reputation: 85182
Quote:
Originally Posted by rya96797 View Post
how do you know that? it can be arranged between family friends.
Because she said her therapist told her she needs to "de-Indianize" herself, which is a culture where arranged marriages are very common.I really doubt she meant "arranged" as in "set up," and only the weakest mind would be afraid to leave that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rya96797 View Post
i disagree that this will help.

only professional intervention at a high hourly rate or jesus can help them now.
The only thing that will help right now is the willingness of her husband. All the therapy in the world and even Jesus won't help this marriage if he is closed off to any positive change.

Unfortunately the OP is struggling under the indoctrination of centuries of ancient culture. Somehow her sister broke free, but it's not an easy decision to make.
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