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Old 08-24-2019, 07:35 AM
 
2,216 posts, read 1,738,602 times
Reputation: 2821

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We should all recognize that we offer advice within the context of our particular world view or construct being the correct one, an assumption that is likely unprovable.

OP you husband, either because of alcohol or tire of maintaining pretenses, is not being a good partner to you and family steward. I hope you find a way to happiness, while maintaining your personal and cultural identity.
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Old 08-24-2019, 08:10 AM
 
5,427 posts, read 2,897,881 times
Reputation: 9896
he sounds like an jerk, I have little tolerance for people like him regardless of gender.
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Old 08-24-2019, 08:15 AM
 
6,482 posts, read 5,195,332 times
Reputation: 13318
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
My sister recently divorced. while this created a major scandal, my dad ended up getting a stroke; i cannot put my parents through this again. I am being unfair here...its not them, I am not, i dont have the courage to leave him. I cannot leave him, kids will be devastated and I honestly made the vows to stay married for good and I really wish to work on this...on us. there has to be something else i can do without having to leave him?
Why is a divorce such a scandal?
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Old 08-24-2019, 08:19 AM
 
Location: Southern California
5,649 posts, read 8,264,951 times
Reputation: 5365
I only read your OP & didn't know about any previous threads of yours, but plain & simple, you married a b@$Tard w/ a vile "sense of humor" who has zero respect for you & you can tell us all on this board that he's "not that bad", "he wasn't always like this", etc., but only YOU know the truth.

You must not think highly of yourself to enable ANYONE to treat you like trash like he does. Kids or not, get rid of him. He's setting a horrendous example to your kid(s) & you don't need this waste of space in your life for a moment more.

He thinks you need him & can't make it w/o him. Show this @s$hole otherwise! You've been married 12 yrs way too long to this no-good excuse of a man.
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Old 08-24-2019, 01:12 PM
 
3,250 posts, read 1,630,718 times
Reputation: 3381
Quote:
Originally Posted by rya96797 View Post
i disagree that this will help.

only professional intervention at a high hourly rate or jesus can help them now.
What will the intervention be? Probably a plan. That is what I propose. Plan A, Plan B. Always have a plan B. (Where did I hear that from?)

A relationship survives when the couple can anticipate the needs of each other. That requires planning. But if one person has done all they think they should have done for a marriage and is not getting the response they want, time to change. You cannot change the other person if they feel no conflict in their heart. Plan B for your own sanity. Jesus is at plan C.
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Old 08-25-2019, 04:00 AM
 
Location: California
30,870 posts, read 33,744,945 times
Reputation: 26335
If you refuse to consider leaving him then grow yourself a spine and take control of him. Don't LET him "joke" like that, be firm, call him out, let him and everyone you know understand that this isn't acceptable and won't be tolerated. You don't have to leave, but you don't have to stay exactly where you are either. It means you have to be a different person, but you have total control over yourself.
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Old 08-25-2019, 06:03 AM
 
Location: Florida
20,040 posts, read 20,139,818 times
Reputation: 23543
You say he's bad when he drinks but didn't really say how often or how much that is, unless I missed it.
BUT, one absolute rule is do not ever try to argue or reason with someone that's been drinking.
Wait until they're sober or you're just setting yourself up for more aggravation
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Old 08-25-2019, 06:38 AM
 
54 posts, read 14,210 times
Reputation: 189
Quote:
1. I want him to respect me
2. I want him to stop expecting things like me being tall (thats obviously not going to happen)
3. I want him to tell me that its going to be ok
4. I want him to recognise that I am burning myself out and i may snap one day...that day wont be good for anyone.
5. I want him to reduce his drinking....almost everytime he drinks, we end up fighting. he mostly tells me its my fault.
Try this instead:

1. I want to show respect for myself.
2. I want to stop allowing his hurtful comments to cause a reaction in me.
3. I want to change my perspective so I'm not always worrying about whether it will be ok.
4. I want to develop some concrete plans to help manage my workload.
5. I want to learn the skills I need to keep myself safe when he's been drinking.

You can't change him. You're unwilling to divorce. So, you need to concentrate on what you can do for yourself, not what you wish he would give you. (Your therapist is 100% correct.) Best of luck - I hope things turn around for you.
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Old 08-25-2019, 04:44 PM
 
26,375 posts, read 28,796,726 times
Reputation: 25275
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday View Post
Whoever thought that arranged marriages was a good idea??
In Western countries where 40% out of wedlock birth rates and high divorce rates are standard, I hardly think we're in a position to criticize marriage customs in other cultures.

Even liberal researchers are admitting that what's become standard in America these days (high divorce rates and out of wedlock birth rates) is harmful to children:

a wealth of research strongly suggests that marriage is good for children. Those who live with their biological parents do better in school and are less likely to get pregnant or arrested. They have lower rates of suicide, achieve higher levels of education and earn more as adults. Meanwhile, children who spend time in single-parent families are more likely to misbehave, get sick, drop out of high school and be unemployed.

Last edited by mysticaltyger; 08-25-2019 at 04:55 PM..
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Old 08-25-2019, 08:50 PM
 
9,135 posts, read 5,257,672 times
Reputation: 10381
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila View Post
My sister recently divorced. while this created a major scandal, my dad ended up getting a stroke; i cannot put my parents through this again. I am being unfair here...its not them, I am not, i dont have the courage to leave him. I cannot leave him, kids will be devastated and I honestly made the vows to stay married for good and I really wish to work on this...on us. there has to be something else i can do without having to leave him?
Is he willing to work on it? You can only do so much by yourself.
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