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He says he is joking when he talks about hurtful things to me, like, why would you want to make a joke about your wife's height with your friends? I could see the friends were very uncomfortable with it...
When I keep telling him that its very hurtful to me, he would then tell me I have no sense of humor.
Why would you make a joke about anybody's height who clearly didn't like it?
My sister recently divorced. while this created a major scandal, my dad ended up getting a stroke; i cannot put my parents through this again. I am being unfair here...its not them, I am not, i dont have the courage to leave him. I cannot leave him, kids will be devastated and I honestly made the vows to stay married for good and I really wish to work on this...on us. there has to be something else i can do without having to leave him?
If you absolutely won't leave him and he won't go to marriage counseling prepare yourself for a lifetime of disappointment, sadness and angst. Maybe when the kids leave home and your parents are gone you will find the courage but by then your husband will have destroyed your self esteem to the point where you will be a shell of the person you once were.
We can't wave a magic want and make things better for you. That's something you have to do yourself to change your life. I hope you value yourself enough to not let your children see how your husband treats you because they will think this is normal behavior for a married couple and will probably repeat it when they get married. If nothing else, think of the example you are setting for your children.
My sister recently divorced. while this created a major scandal, my dad ended up getting a stroke; i cannot put my parents through this again. I am being unfair here...its not them, I am not, i dont have the courage to leave him. I cannot leave him, kids will be devastated and I honestly made the vows to stay married for good and I really wish to work on this...on us. there has to be something else i can do without having to leave him?
What if you moved out? Stay married, but move out.
Are you and your parents in the same city? Would they necessarily have to know that you moved out?
Something tells me your husband doesn't necessarily want out, but resents the arrangement. Let him get a taste of what it's like being by himself. Personally, I think YOU would be happier with some space between the two of you.
Prioritize your wants and needs above everyone else's?? Is that what s/he actually said?
Remain polite (please and thank you) so the kids grow up seeing that you are being respectful even while in pain. (I have to advise you that setting this example for your children is VERY tricky because you could be modeling poor choices for them. You really don't want them growing up with the kind of guilt YOU feel regarding your parents.
All great advice BB, but especially this is the sticking point for me. ^
In order to save your sanity by practicing detachment and letting him make his own choices, to get his own consequences— it takes great energy and mind control. Only to have your child reach an age of intelligence where she asks: “What exactly are you doing here? He isn’t even nice to you.”
What kind of life do you want? It’s more difficult to be a single parent while still in the relationship, than it is on your own, seriously!
He is behaving like a narcissist. There isn't anything you can do about HIM but if you are committed to staying in the relationship then there are things you can do for YOURSELF. What your therapist recommended is on track. You must set limits. Next time there is a special family event, have it without him. He clearly didn't want to be involved in this one. Look at yourself and figure out what about his behavior is hurting you so deeply and then set limits. If it is the short jokes, then next time tell him, in front of everyone that he is being rude and hurtful, that you don't find it funny.
It may take living separate lives...together. Sleep in the guest room or with the kids. Do special things without him. When he throws tantrums, gather the kids up and go do something special and fun without him. Then later after he has cooled and returned to normal, go home and make sure that you and the kids talk about the great time you had together... how you all wish Dad had been able to be there. By ALL MEANS protect the kids from his bad behavior. I wish someone had advised me to do so when I went through this with my wife. Now that my kids are grown, they all struggle with "walking on egg shells" trying to make everyone around them happy just to avoid confrontation and an explosion.
Be happy and at peace... with our without him. Set limits. You do not have to engage in his bad behavior. Don't enable him. Eventually he will get the message and will want to be part of what he is missing out on... OR, he will never grow up.
What kind of life do you want? It’s more difficult to be a single parent while still in the relationship, than it is on your own, seriously!
Yeah, that's exactly the point. Any path she chooses will be supremely difficult, so at least choose the path with as few difficulties as possible.
Being a parent AND "exercising self care" is hard enough on your own. Add in trying to maintain a civil relationship with someone who doesn't seem to care about being civil (presumably in part because he also isn't thrilled about the arranged marriage) is near the highest level of difficulty.
In my observations, though, young kids don't really know or care about mom "practicing self care" or modeling healthy relationships. They just want their parents together because that's what they know and they don't understand the adult-level thinking about the situation until they have grown enough to have real relationships themselves.
So divorce at this stage can seem especially cruel, from their perspective, even if it would be the best solution.
One other thing the OP could try, before she attempts detachment, is to sit down with the husband and say, "Look, it's obvious we are both unhappy but divorce isn't an option right now. Can we come to an agreement not to antagonize each other? Can we just co-exist and attend our kids functions and make the best of this bad situation?"
Yeah, that's exactly the point. Any path she chooses will be supremely difficult, so at least choose the path with as few difficulties as possible.
Being a parent AND "exercising self care" is hard enough on your own. Add in trying to maintain a civil relationship with someone who doesn't seem to care about being civil (presumably in part because he also isn't thrilled about the arranged marriage) is near the highest level of difficulty.
In my observations, though, young kids don't really know or care about mom "practicing self care" or modeling healthy relationships. They just want their parents together because that's what they know and they don't understand the adult-level thinking about the situation until they have grown enough to have real relationships themselves.
So divorce at this stage can seem especially cruel, from their perspective, even if it would be the best solution.
One other thing the OP could try, before she attempts detachment, is to sit down with the husband and say, "Look, it's obvious we are both unhappy but divorce isn't an option right now. Can we come to an agreement not to antagonize each other? Can we just co-exist and attend our kids functions and make the best of this bad situation?"
Maybe he will back TF off.
IMO, this wouldn't work because he doesn't have any respect for her. His resentment of the arranged marriage clouds everything else. It seems like, to me, this guy could be married to...(insert beautiful movie star/model/diplomat, whatever) and be perfect in every way...but since HE didn't get to choose, he's resentful.
I kind of feel like he should get a taste of what it would be like, WITHOUT her being there. Now who knows, he might jump up and down with joy, but at least she'd have one less baby to worry about.
Prioritize your wants and needs above everyone else's?? Is that what s/he actually said?
OK, so you've decided to stay. Here is how you can try to survive in an unhappy marriage:
1) LET GO of ANY expectation that he will change. He won't. Stop hoping.
2) Begin to practice detachment. You are married to someone who is abusive to you, so you have to let him be who he is (an a-hole) without letting it affect you emotionally. To practice detachment, you have to treat him like a kind stranger would. STOP giving advice or trying to change him. Let go of small stuff. DO NOT comment on his behavior. Let him make his own choices.
Remain polite (please and thank you) so the kids grow up seeing that you are being respectful even while in pain. (I have to advise you that setting this example for your children is VERY tricky because you could be modeling poor choices for them. You really don't want them growing up with the kind of guilt YOU feel regarding your parents).
Being detached like this lets you avoid those bickering arguments and gives him LESS AMMO against you.
3) Redefine your own life. You have to stay involved in stuff that you enjoy, that makes you happy, because you won't be getting happiness from being with your "partner." Friendships become important.
Mainly, stop fighting over what you cannot change. Don't try to force him to fill the dad and hubby role. Next time let him miss the birthday cake experience. That's HIS choice.
Is it possible to be happy while being detached? I am genuinely considering this. I am really trying hard to be happy, to keep the kids happy, to keep the home clean, cook, pay for daycare etc etc
He does his own thing too but nothing I ever do is enough.
why is he not seeing me? Why, he married me after meeting me...its not like it was a forced marriage. It was arranged, yes but it wasnt forced.
I honestly didnt know him before getting married, met him twice before getting married. before anyone gets shocked at this, please know that the place where this happed, this actually is the norm.
I am just trying to make sense of what makes a person happy; if its indeed somehow my fault to have an expectation. If it indeed is funny to make jokes on a spouse and I am totally overreacting...
I am so unsure at this point.
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Here is how you can try to survive in an unhappy marriage:
