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Old 08-27-2019, 02:55 PM
 
Location: Columbia SC
9,185 posts, read 7,942,342 times
Reputation: 12601

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigCityDreamer View Post
Really? I usually know within 3 seconds of looking at a woman whether I want to get in bed with her.

I guess I'm a very visual person.
I play a harmless little game with myself. When I see a woman the first things I think are: Yes, I would do her. No, I would not do her. I might do her.

The younger and not fat get the most yesses. The older and fatter get the fastest nos. It is the tweeners I have to look at twice.....LOL
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Old 08-27-2019, 03:23 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,304 posts, read 7,517,055 times
Reputation: 22082
This right here is one of the reasons many women want to wait.

It has occurred to me that as a woman, the idea that a man desires me ONLY because of what I look like, is not a positive thing. It does not feel flattering. It feels dehumanizing, objectifying, and at best, completely meaningless.

Yet the way I've heard some men talk, if they have experienced being wanted just for their looks, they like that, feel good about it, and if they haven't, then they wish they could get that kind of attention. When I have spoken the above sentiment, that it feels dehumanizing, they seem confused and tell me that no, it isn't.

I sometimes wonder if the men I've talked to about this, have ever had someone completely disregard them as a human being before, dismissing everything they think or feel or say or do. It bothers me that a woman could cure cancer and people would be talking about whether the fit of her sweater is flattering. My looks are not who I AM.

So even though personally, I do not feel that sex is this "deepest most meaningful connection that people can have" deal, personally, and although I do not require a serious emotional bond or a commitment to be amenable to having sex with someone, depending on my life circumstances... I at least REQUIRE some conversation before I even know if I am interested or not. And I would prefer to feel that a man is interested in who I am, not just what I look like. Though from what men often say, most guys only pretend to care what women say, in order to get the goods.

So yeah. Women often will want to wait. For reasons.
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Old 08-27-2019, 03:54 PM
 
Location: Way up high
14,157 posts, read 21,028,487 times
Reputation: 14581
Earlier the better because if he has a small one or blows in bed it ain't going to last...
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Old 08-27-2019, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Columbia SC
9,185 posts, read 7,942,342 times
Reputation: 12601
We can add many things to what leads to a first date but under the I do not know this person's situation, the first step in that dance is do I find this person attractive which is enough in itself to lead to a 1st date. I also say make the first date a social one where no one is under any impression such as spending money, etc. Like let us go to Starbucks for a coffee after work. A quick lunch on a word day, etc. A date one can easily get out of. Say one pressures the other to go further that day like dinner. One can always say I appreciate the offer, but I had already made plans to.......Bye for now.
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Old 08-27-2019, 06:10 PM
 
2,220 posts, read 1,740,633 times
Reputation: 2831
Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf View Post
I play a harmless little game with myself. When I see a woman the first things I think are: Yes, I would do her. No, I would not do her. I might do her.

The younger and not fat get the most yesses. The older and fatter get the fastest nos. It is the tweeners I have to look at twice.....LOL
Charming
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Old 08-27-2019, 06:39 PM
 
Location: Moreno Valley, Ca
2,084 posts, read 1,335,817 times
Reputation: 4448
Quote:
Originally Posted by picardlx View Post
Charming
My thoughts exactly. Charming in a D-bag sort of way!
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Old 08-27-2019, 08:04 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,387 posts, read 71,687,382 times
Reputation: 77768
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
This sounds familiar. I'm ashamed to admit this is how I used to be. Only until I was well into my 30s (and now early 40s) that I started to be a bit more assertive.


I'm certain this is exactly why my stalker targeted me. He picked up on a few signals from me that I would be easily intimidated and someone who would take abuse. He also caught me at a transition period though, which is why he got convicted of stalking.
It's very common, MG. So many parents with their own issues, their own personality disorders, or whatever, raise their girls to become easily victimized. You shouldn't be ashamed, because it's not your fault you were raised this way. Instead, give yourself a pat on the back for having overcome it. Now. you can advocate for others, you can reach out to young women, who are struggling with this, and give them the benefit of what you've learned and were you've been.
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Old Yesterday, 06:43 AM
 
2,179 posts, read 603,076 times
Reputation: 1463
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
This right here is one of the reasons many women want to wait.

It has occurred to me that as a woman, the idea that a man desires me ONLY because of what I look like, is not a positive thing. It does not feel flattering. It feels dehumanizing, objectifying, and at best, completely meaningless.

Yet the way I've heard some men talk, if they have experienced being wanted just for their looks, they like that, feel good about it, and if they haven't, then they wish they could get that kind of attention. When I have spoken the above sentiment, that it feels dehumanizing, they seem confused and tell me that no, it isn't.
Mother nature's sick joke I guess? You know, makes you wonder why some women love to wait tables at Hooters or participate in occupations that sexual and deliberately objectify themselves. I'm not sure what chunk of the women population prefers to be objectify themselves and embrace the attention they get for their physical attributes.

These women apparently aren't the ones complaining about men objectifying them, why? Because they love objectifying themselves. They relish in it. Men have since the dawn of time had been visual creatures and I think there was a point in time women just cared so much about their looks as a method to get a man. Ie, make-up, flattering, form fitting outfits, not gorging themselves on food, watching their figure etc.


Quote:
I sometimes wonder if the men I've talked to about this, have ever had someone completely disregard them as a human being before, dismissing everything they think or feel or say or do. It bothers me that a woman could cure cancer and people would be talking about whether the fit of her sweater is flattering. My looks are not who I AM.
I think people have come to think that's just the nature of the beast (a phrase I had first encountered when working for a man that's ran a business for years "nature of the beast".

So even though personally, I do not feel that sex is this "deepest most meaningful connection that people can have" deal, personally, and although I do not require a serious emotional bond or a commitment to be amenable to having sex with someone, depending on my life circumstances... I at least REQUIRE some conversation before I even know if I am interested or not. And I would prefer to feel that a man is interested in who I am, not just what I look like. Though from what men often say, most guys only pretend to care what women say, in order to get the goods.

So yeah. Women often will want to wait. For reasons.[/quote]
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Old Yesterday, 07:10 AM
 
13,180 posts, read 10,151,628 times
Reputation: 16678
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
This right here is one of the reasons many women want to wait.

It has occurred to me that as a woman, the idea that a man desires me ONLY because of what I look like, is not a positive thing. It does not feel flattering. It feels dehumanizing, objectifying, and at best, completely meaningless.

Yet the way I've heard some men talk, if they have experienced being wanted just for their looks, they like that, feel good about it, and if they haven't, then they wish they could get that kind of attention. When I have spoken the above sentiment, that it feels dehumanizing, they seem confused and tell me that no, it isn't.
This is something stbx did not get. HE did not get to define what was dehumanizing TO ME. There is no objective, universal measure of humanity which can be devalued. MY humanity is MINE and mine alone.

Quote:
I sometimes wonder if the men I've talked to about this, have ever had someone completely disregard them as a human being before, dismissing everything they think or feel or say or do. It bothers me that a woman could cure cancer and people would be talking about whether the fit of her sweater is flattering. My looks are not who I AM.
Ayuh. You know, the word narcissist is thrown around a lot. I tend to think of it as a range, like Aspergers. While clinical narcissism dX is really rate, low to medium grade narcissism is a real thing IMO. Disregarding someone's humanity doesn't even cross their radar. And really, in many instances, the idea of it is so foreign because, as men, part of their privilege is to NOT have that happen to them based on their gender.
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Old Yesterday, 07:41 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,304 posts, read 7,517,055 times
Reputation: 22082
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Mother nature's sick joke I guess? You know, makes you wonder why some women love to wait tables at Hooters or participate in occupations that sexual and deliberately objectify themselves. I'm not sure what chunk of the women population prefers to be objectify themselves and embrace the attention they get for their physical attributes.

These women apparently aren't the ones complaining about men objectifying them, why? Because they love objectifying themselves. They relish in it. Men have since the dawn of time had been visual creatures and I think there was a point in time women just cared so much about their looks as a method to get a man. Ie, make-up, flattering, form fitting outfits, not gorging themselves on food, watching their figure etc.

...
Right, but here is something you might not get. You assume/think that in a strip club or a Hooters, the women are objectifying themselves and the only Real People in the room are the men. I don't think you grasp what the perspective of the women might be in that situation. (You realize they have a perspective?)

See I don't care if a man thinks I'm an object if I have no respect for HIM as a person and I'm on a mission to use him, too. In those settings, you think of it as the woman being used and dehumanized because the guy gets an eyefull. But dude, that eyefull ain't free. She's taking advantage of his "d'hurrr...bewbies..." to empty his wallet. It's kind of the whole point.

It doesn't matter if a man doesn't respect me, if I have no reason to care what he thinks.

But in a DATING situation, in theory at least, you're supposed to be trying to form a possible relationship. I mean at least, it's one path people do tend to take from that beginning. I don't want to invest my emotions and time and effort and money and life entanglement in someone who doesn't even see me as a thinking, functioning human being, but just a pretty THING he covets.

And lest it seem like I'm kvetching only from the woman's side of this, it has long been my opinion and observation that a failure to take the time to get to know the person, how they think, what motivates them...is harmful not only to women but to men. I mean guys talk about being scared that they'd marry a woman and she'd divorce him and take half of his stuff and never let him see his kids. Well all that sounds like pretty petty, spiteful, crummy, vindictive behavior to me, assuming he doesn't deserve that for being some sort of an abuser or something right? Now how in the hell are you gonna get all the way to the marital vows, without finding out that person beside you is a petty, spiteful, piece of work like that? "D'hurrrr....bewbiesss...." Or more importantly they didn't give much thought to the agency of that pretty woman, that she might even DO much of anything at all. Letting superficial qualities blind one to the nature of someone they are starting up a connection with, can be quite a problem. Hence...it can make sense to take one's time, before getting all invested. Some people are self-aware enough to know that sex is likely to trigger emotional investment for them...and for some, it might not necessarily. I've known men who want to take a bit of time before jumping into bed, too. A man certainly should want to take a minute before making any commitments or promises, in my opinion.

Thankfully I've known enough men to know that it is NOT by default, "the nature of the beast," to be dazzled in this way, which, as I've tried to explain, also makes them vulnerable (not that they're seeing it that way at the time.)
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