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Old Yesterday, 06:44 PM
 
10,794 posts, read 4,359,826 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Good point, everyone is different. I had a situation where I was intimate with a woman I was dating, make-out sessions and so on. She wasn't ready to sleep together, which was fine, but I found it kind of odd that she was prudish when it came to me talking innuendo with her. Usually if you're in the make-out stage of a relationship, heavy petting, etc. Very passionate, just outside the clothes kind of stuff...you'd think a woman would be open to talking a little naughty. We've been out plenty of times. A few of those times were at her place.

The next woman, claimed she has a libido of a 25 year old man...and she was 50. When I told her about the previous relationship she was like "Pshhh,...what a prude!"
I can't imagine, being on a date with some guy who was telling unflattering observations of another woman he'd had sex with. Some prior flavor of the day who wouldn't talk dirty with you.

Honestly, how degrading for the new sex partner. I had an acquaintance who was making out with a new guy, and the guy said great that you shave down there - I hate searching through the hair forest! Um.

Uber, please! What a complete clod.

ThisTown - really? You talk about specifics of other women you've had sex with, with your current maybe sex partner? And that works out for you? Seems like those women don't have high expectations of the relationship.
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Old Yesterday, 07:04 PM
 
Location: Texas
10,162 posts, read 3,897,652 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fifty Seven View Post
Sex has to happen right away or nearly right away if the relationship is going to be a healthy one.
I don't believe this is strictly true across the board.
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Old Yesterday, 07:20 PM
 
26 posts, read 2,730 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
The problem isn't the sex. The problem is she is looking for "the one" and trying to make each man conform to her ideas of what that relationship will look like.
No her problem is that she is a very sexual person (think Samantha from SATC) and she thinks the only way to get a man to fall in love with her is to be a sex goddess. She just turned 43 and she keeps talking about how she's getting older and uglier by the second and she needs to find a guy NOW. She keeps picking men who are wildly different from her, they have crazy amounts of sex and then when they get tired or are ready to move on in a few weeks, they dump her. She doesn't see how funny or smart she is, she puts all her worth into her sexuality. Breaks my heart to watch her go through this cycle again and again but I've learned to shut my mouth and hand her a glass of wine when she comes over crying when they leave.
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Old Yesterday, 07:27 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,356 posts, read 71,628,818 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fifty Seven View Post
Sex has to happen right away or nearly right away if the relationship is going to be a healthy one. If you can keep your hands off each other there will always be the memories of people you couldn't keep your hands off of getting in the way and being the unspoken elephant in the room.
How can it happen right away, if the person you go on a date with is a stranger or someone in your outer circle of friends, that you don't know well? You need time to get to know them first, before you know if you want to have a relationship with them. The OP question wasn't "how long after the first date should you sleep with someone"; it was "how long should you want to sleep with someone you want to have a relationship with". It takes time to find out if your date partner may turn out to be someone you may want a relationship with.

What if 3 dates in, you find out your date is an arrogant clod who yells at the wait staff? Would you want a relationship with that person? Or do you have sex anyway, because it's the 3rd date, or because "sex has to happen right away"?

Character traits take time to reveal themselves. Jump in too soon, and you could regret getting so intimately involved with someone you later find out is a jerk, or pays mind games, or is emotionally abusive. Now they've become emotionally attached to you, or you have to them, because of the sex, and you have a mess on your hands to extricate yourself from.
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Old Yesterday, 07:27 PM
 
9,122 posts, read 5,254,529 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Northshoregirl2019 View Post
No her problem is that she is a very sexual person (think Samantha from SATC) and she thinks the only way to get a man to fall in love with her is to be a sex goddess. She just turned 43 and she keeps talking about how she's getting older and uglier by the second and she needs to find a guy NOW. She keeps picking men who are wildly different from her, they have crazy amounts of sex and then when they gets tired or are ready to move on in a few weeks, they dump her. She doesn't see how funny or smart she is, she puts all her worth into her sexuality. Breaks my heart to watch her go through this cycle again and again but I've learned to shut my mouth and hand her a glass of wine when she comes over crying when they leave.
You're agreeing with me without realizing it.

She wants a man to fall in love with her. So instead of enjoying a relationship for what it is and just seeing how it naturally evolves, she is trying to force it into being the imagined relationship she has decided she wants. In other words, the particular man, who is a unique person, isn't really important to her. She has already decided what she wants and is looking for the man she can push into that box to provide it.
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Old Yesterday, 07:29 PM
 
9,122 posts, read 5,254,529 times
Reputation: 10377
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
How can it happen right away, if the person you go on a date with is a stranger? You need time to get to know them first, before you know if you want to have a relationship with them. The OP question wasn't "how long after the first date should you sleep with someone"; it was "how long should you want to sleep with someone you want to have a relationship with". The wanting a relationship comes first, then the decision to sleep with the person. And it takes time to find out if your date partner may turn out to be someone you may want a relationship with.

What if 3 dates in, you find out your date is an arrogant clod who yells at the wait staff? Would you want a relationship with that person? Or do you have sex anyway, because it's the 3rd date, or because "sex has to happen right away"? Character traits take time to reveal themselves. Jump in too soon, and you could regret getting so intimately involved with someone you later find out is a jerk, or pays mind games, or whatever. Now they've become emotionally attached to you, or you have to them, because of the sex, and you have a mess on your hands to extricate yourself from.
On the other hand, it's hard to know if you are sexually compatible with someone until you've had sex (at least) a couple of times. Personally, I would not want to start a serious relationship with someone if that sexual compatibility were not there.
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Old Yesterday, 07:34 PM
 
9,122 posts, read 5,254,529 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
I don't believe this is strictly true across the board.
I don't believe any of these "rules" about when to have sex are true across the board.

People shouldn't play these silly games, but should instead just be honest with themselves and with others. When should you first have sex with someone? When YOU want to. If that takes 1 date, fine. If it takes 5 dates, fine. If it takes 1 year, fine. Whatever. If the other person isn't OK with it, then the two of you are likely not on the same page and not going to work out anyway.
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Old Yesterday, 07:35 PM
 
Location: California
974 posts, read 267,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
I had read somewhere that...I think it was a figure that fell under 50%...I think 30% of one-night stands ACTUALLY wind up in a long term relationship. How that happens? I dunno.
I'm sure it could happen. Because people who believe in casual sex can also fall in love.

The difference of people like me is I would be emotionally destroyed if I had sex with someone who later ended up being a bad person, wrong for me, etc. I want to be certain that the person stands a good chance of sticking around for a while and being a force of love in my life (and me in theirs). Sex is very bonding to me and I'm not someone who can do it casually. So knowing that, I must protect myself.

Some people just aren't that way, for whatever reason. They can have sex and have it mean nothing and conjure no feelings whatsoever. Sometimes I kind of envy people like that but at the end of the day, I'd rather be how I am. Because when I have sex with someone I love, it's the deepest act imaginable. A truly spiritual experience.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fifty Seven View Post
Sex has to happen right away or nearly right away if the relationship is going to be a healthy one. If you can keep your hands off each other there will always be the memories of people you couldn't keep your hands off of getting in the way and being the unspoken elephant in the room.
Uhh, no. It's called self control. You want a level attraction where you DESIRE to touch each other constantly, but you don't have to act on it. You control yourself. You take your time and wait for a moment where you both feel ready and where it will be the most beautiful experience possible.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
How can it happen right away, if the person you go on a date with is a stranger? You need time to get to know them first, before you know if you want to have a relationship with them. The OP question wasn't "how long after the first date should you sleep with someone"; it was "how long should you want to sleep with someone you want to have a relationship with". The wanting a relationship comes first, then the decision to sleep with the person. And it takes time to find out if your date partner may turn out to be someone you may want a relationship with.

What if 3 dates in, you find out your date is an arrogant clod who yells at the wait staff? Would you want a relationship with that person? Or do you have sex anyway, because it's the 3rd date, or because "sex has to happen right away"?

Character traits take time to reveal themselves. Jump in too soon, and you could regret getting so intimately involved with someone you later find out is a jerk, or pays mind games, or whatever. Now they've become emotionally attached to you, or you have to them, because of the sex, and you have a mess on your hands to extricate yourself from.
Exactly. YEs to all of this. There is no worse feeling than receiving a metaphoric punch to the gut when you realize the person you thought was super nice and attractive actually has horrific qualities and wasn't who they presented themselves to be at first. It takes time to see these things, and I'm not willing to find them out after a night in bed.
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Old Yesterday, 07:39 PM
 
Location: Texas
10,162 posts, read 3,897,652 times
Reputation: 20583
Quote:
Originally Posted by Northshoregirl2019 View Post
No her problem is that she is a very sexual person (think Samantha from SATC) and she thinks the only way to get a man to fall in love with her is to be a sex goddess. She just turned 43 and she keeps talking about how she's getting older and uglier by the second and she needs to find a guy NOW. She keeps picking men who are wildly different from her, they have crazy amounts of sex and then when they get tired or are ready to move on in a few weeks, they dump her. She doesn't see how funny or smart she is, she puts all her worth into her sexuality. Breaks my heart to watch her go through this cycle again and again but I've learned to shut my mouth and hand her a glass of wine when she comes over crying when they leave.
It might not be all her fault. She just hasn't met the right man yet.
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Old Yesterday, 07:42 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,356 posts, read 71,628,818 times
Reputation: 77678
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
On the other hand, it's hard to know if you are sexually compatible with someone until you've had sex (at least) a couple of times. Personally, I would not want to start a serious relationship with someone if that sexual compatibility were not there.
I don't get the sexual compatibility rationale. Only once have I known a guy who wasn't trainable. They're usually pretty eager to please, and to learn. By waiting a little, you can weed out the ones who aren't interested in a relationship, but only in scoring and moving on.
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