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Old Yesterday, 08:44 AM
 
Location: Texas
10,180 posts, read 3,903,923 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by That_One_Girl View Post
I feel the same. There are certain things, usually on the rarer side, that can make for true incompatibility. For example, a very strange fetish that is non-negotiable and that the other person could not stomach. Stuff like that..
IMO, if a person has some kind of fetish then he should reveal that very early on.
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Old Yesterday, 08:45 AM
 
Location: Texas
10,180 posts, read 3,903,923 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
If a guy has disrespect for me because I had sex with him soon, then that is on him. This is not the Victorian era (not that I approve of women going out every weekend and having sex with someone new, just due to safety and diseases and that stuff) and I see nothing wrong with having sex because there are truly sparks and chemistry between two people..
I've had men disrespect me for having sex too early and I've also been raped by a man who was angry at me for not having sex on the 2nd date. Can't win either way.
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Old Yesterday, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Scrapple country
1,573 posts, read 1,307,861 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Ohhh I touched her breast! How exciting! Titter titter. Giggle giggle.
You literally made me giggle.
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Old Yesterday, 08:58 AM
 
717 posts, read 350,919 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
I've had men disrespect me for having sex too early and I've also been raped by a man who was angry at me for not having sex on the 2nd date. Can't win either way.

That's true, you can't always win. But in those cases I think that reflects on the guys rather than on you. Some guys are just neurotic, they have deranged beliefs.


A guy who I can sleep with early on because I am genuinely attracted to him and not getting hung up on archaic beliefs, yet also have him not view me as a sex object or treat me with disrespect because of it, nor force it too soon when I am not ready for any reason, is a good guy in my book. And they do exist and I hope they are not a minority.
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Old Yesterday, 09:02 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,272 posts, read 7,507,917 times
Reputation: 22044
I liked about the article that the author was trying to say, "There are other reasons, besides sexual shame or avoiding seeming promiscuous...or manipulating a potential partner (playing games in other words) that it can be a good idea to wait and slow your roll, if you want a successful relationship." I mean paraphrasing of course, but that was a message I was getting and I agree with it.

What is being said above, about some people believing you need to get on with it quickly...whether to determine compatibility, or because otherwise there's the concern that there isn't attraction, or when men are getting scared of the friend zone or game playing...directly in conflict with the idea that a woman who gives it up too soon is too easy, not relationship material, or a conquest... I've found that confusing my entire life. And the big mistake, is hearing various messages from different individuals within a given group (gender) and attributing them to some kind of universal hive mind that doesn't exist.

But my advice that people slow down, isn't limited to "wait x weeks of dating before sex."...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
On the other hand, it's hard to know if you are sexually compatible with someone until you've had sex (at least) a couple of times. Personally, I would not want to start a serious relationship with someone if that sexual compatibility were not there.
...it also has to do with proceeding slow-ish into commitment. I don't demand terms before I give up sex, no. But I do think that going somewhat slower than I used to, really helped my fiance and I bond in the beginning of our relationship. We had 2 months of interactions before we had sex. There was no commitment or exclusivity for another 8 months after that, though he was my primary sexual partner, and things were slowly winding down with others I was involved with. Then we were exclusive sexually but did not move in together for 14 months, then we moved in together and it was several months after that, we began to contemplate marriage...but we've lived together and have been in a sort of long, no-pressure engagement status for about 2 years now. We may marry in another year or two.

OK so most people won't be into polyamory, fine. It did help take the pressure off, I think, in the beginning, but that doesn't matter. The point is...because of this gradual pace, by the time we had a talk and took a step and escalated our relationship in some way, both of us were standing in the same place. You did not have one person under the influence of obsessive infatuation, and the other not sure how they felt yet. We stepped forward together, because we were ready.

I get annoyed with something else in the article, implying that women are going to be the ones who get that oxytocin hit and fall in love, and men are gonna want to "keep hunting" because duh, testosterone...that women must guard our fragile little hearts and men are just a bunch of hound dog players. That's generalistic nonsense. As I've said here many times, I have had guys fall hard for me after our first sexual encounter, when I wasn't feelin' it. That is NOT an experience that only happens to women. I've heard men go all ga-ga about how "perfect" a woman is, when they barely know her, and get rose tinted glasses because of big initial attraction. I've seen plenty of guys get their hearts broken.

As for kinks... You know, maybe that is a big part of why most of my male partners were "meh, at best." I do seem to have an optimal type, a certain energy a man must bring to the table. It's not something like, "I cannot get off if you don't play a kazoo during the act" kind of a paraphilia fetish thing... It's just a right blend of emotional honesty, the ability to be vulnerable and still dominant, but never pretentious, playful and a bit sadistic. A very particular blend of ingredients. The kinky middle aged (or older) men that PriscillaVanilla lamented, upthread a bit, are pretty much where my ideal partners will be found. Good thing that there seem to be lids for pots like that, huh?
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Old Yesterday, 09:59 AM
 
2,172 posts, read 601,251 times
Reputation: 1438
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
I wouldn't say men as a collective are confused it just seems that way because there are different guys saying different variations of the same things. One might believe that women who sleep with them too soon is a harlot and then one completely different guy may believe that if she doesn't put out soon enough, she's playing games. It's not necessarily individual men who believe both view points are true. And I believe that's why so many of them get defensive when they're generalized that way.
I have a question, let's say you're not having sex, but you're still physical (Kissing, petting, hand holding, cuddling while watching TV). Isn't that enough in lieu of that person waiting for sex?
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Old Yesterday, 10:09 AM
 
Location: Columbia SC
9,175 posts, read 7,933,928 times
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If I was interested in a woman for a long term thing (as in she checked all the boxes), I would say 3 dates until I would expect some sexual action.
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Old Yesterday, 10:56 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,372 posts, read 71,648,568 times
Reputation: 77721
Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf View Post
If I was interested in a woman for a long term thing (as in she checked all the boxes), I would say 3 dates until I would expect some sexual action.
This presupposes, that you already know from the start, that she checks the boxes. It takes some people longer than two dates to determine that, though. Where would you have found out that info, prior to dating her? Or are you the type that puts her through an interview-type grilling on the first date, going down your checklist? Or is your checklist pretty limited, mainly to physical attributes and a pleasing personality, so it doesn't take long for you to check off the boxes?
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Old Yesterday, 01:00 PM
 
Location: Texas
10,180 posts, read 3,903,923 times
Reputation: 20628
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
That's true, you can't always win. But in those cases I think that reflects on the guys rather than on you. Some guys are just neurotic, they have deranged beliefs.


A guy who I can sleep with early on because I am genuinely attracted to him and not getting hung up on archaic beliefs, yet also have him not view me as a sex object or treat me with disrespect because of it, nor force it too soon when I am not ready for any reason, is a good guy in my book. And they do exist and I hope they are not a minority.
I think any man who holds it against a woman for sleeping with him, too soon, is not relationship material at all.
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Old Yesterday, 01:05 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,272 posts, read 7,507,917 times
Reputation: 22044
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
I think any man who holds it against a woman for sleeping with him, too soon, is not relationship material at all.
"If you consider a woman less pure after you've touched her, maybe you should take a look at your hands."
~ Kaija Sabbah
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