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Old 08-26-2019, 06:40 PM
 
718 posts, read 352,029 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by That_One_Girl View Post
Yeah that's another big one for sure. Unfortunately, it's very hard to tell how things will be in the beginning. Even if you wait a while to have sex and discuss things beforehand, people aren't always self-aware enough to know. Or they might have had sex a certain amount in the past, but then something changes (hormones, medication side effects etc) and all that is out the window.



To your first point, that's where communication comes in. I'd always make it clear that I was attracted to the person and interested in having a lot of sex with them in the future. I explain why I wait on sex so they know the reasons behind my views. No one should ever be left in the dark wondering if the other person is attracted to them or not.

To the bolded point, I agree. I don't wait on sex because I'm worried the guy will think badly of me. I wait on sex because I don't want to find out something bad about HIM after already having bonded chemically and hormonally through sex.

Not everyone views sex as a deep and sacred act, but that's an important part of my spirituality, and anyone I would fall in love with would need to respect that and feel the same.



Yep once again this is where straightforward communication comes in. There can be no confusion when one's views on sex are clearly explained from the beginning.



Yeah I agree. It can be difficult to know how you feel about something until you've experienced it though. Through my kinky adventures, I've learned that there are kinks, and then there are KINKS. I have "kinks" but my ex had KINKS. He couldn't function sexually without carrying out his kinks during sex.

I basically wanted a little kinky foreplay and he wanted a full-on production that stood in the way of any sort of normalcy with our sex life. It quickly became exhausting and we split due to incompatibilities.



Ugh. I'm really sorry.



Yes exactly to the first paragraph. There are many reasons to wait that go beyond those reasons.

My ex was definitely a "play kazoo during the act" sort of fetishist. It got old so fast. I told him "I feel worried we will never be able to have normal, romantic sex" and he said there was nothing he could do. His sexual organs literally wouldn't function unless I was "playing kazoo".

He married someone else a while after I dumped him, so apparently he found his professional kazoo player. lol. I hope they are happy together because he was actually a really good person. Very kind and supportive. I always kind of hated myself that I couldn't muster the will to spend the rest of my life playing kazoo, but I just didn't have it in me.




You took the risk and it worked out for you, which is awesome. But it is indeed a risk. What if after you'd had sex, you found out something awful about him? Like he was a sex offender or something equally bad?

If you could live with it and move on without it bothering you, then it makes sense you could enjoy casual sex.

What I'm saying is the level of caution someone should have about casual sex should be relative to the amount of pain they'd experience if they later realized the person they'd had sex with wasn't a desirable person to them (in whatever way). To me, sex is the deepest act of sharing that two people can experience. There simply is nothing deeper. So to share that with someone who later turned out to be a bad person would be intensely traumatic to me. I have to be careful who I let close to me because the risk is just too great.

I just want to speak to that last part. I used to be a social worker for abused children. One of my clients was a little girl who had been molested by her grandfather, because her mother, who had also been molested by that man (her father), had left her daughter in his care, and, to everyone's suprise (amirite?) he molested her too!.....the mother was /shockhorror when we showed up to investigate...due to the fact that this poor little girl was severely traumatized, due to having been left in the care of a known molester. It gets worse. The mother married a new man. Had a new daughter...in time, it became revealed, the new father was a registered sex offender. Like, really? I only know this because I was the assigned social worker over and over again.



But lady, ffs.....screen your men. But yes she was a victim, so I can't be too hard on her. She was molested by her father.



My message is, if you have been molested by any relative in your family, be it, father, grandfather, brother, don't leave your children in the care of that person. And, if you go on to hook up with a new person, screen that person for sexual offenses.


(I'm not violating confidentiality because the details I give are very vague. I am subject to confidentiality laws, but I know how much I can reveal.)

Last edited by moongirl00; 08-26-2019 at 06:51 PM..
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Old 08-26-2019, 06:53 PM
 
Location: California
996 posts, read 272,407 times
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I was just using the child molester thing as an example. But it could be anything bad. My point is you don't want to find out something bad after the fact.

Unless you don't care. In that case, do you. But I care. There is no deeper act than letting another human inside your body.
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Old 08-26-2019, 07:05 PM
 
718 posts, read 352,029 times
Reputation: 534
I didn't mean to go off topic. It reminded me of what I saw in my work. As women we can't just go around like "haha how fun. I'm gonna find a man. Yayyy."



We have to screen, if we have children.. or if we plan to, even more. Women are the gate keepers of the future generations imo.


We can't have every Jeffery Dahmer and Charles Manson getting through, just because we feel desperate one night.



This is just my opinion though and it might be an extreme one.
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Old 08-26-2019, 07:07 PM
 
2,220 posts, read 1,739,575 times
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We got it.
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Old 08-26-2019, 07:19 PM
 
718 posts, read 352,029 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by picardlx View Post
We got it.

It can't be driven home too much.



Like...ok lady. Yeah we know! Geez! Then going out and getting knocked up by Charles Manson wannabe at the bar. Coming on to this forum and saying....oh my god y'all I'm pregnant and I think the guy is some cult leader of some satanic cult...halp.


Or on the other hand being some guy saying....Oh my god you guys, I got some girl pregnant I'm pretty sure she's Kathy Bates from Misery like **** guise what do????


For ffs reading some threads on this forum I expect to see this.
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Old Yesterday, 05:46 AM
Status: "Make sure you include me in your manifesto" (set 27 days ago)
 
Location: Posting from my space yacht.
8,347 posts, read 3,276,382 times
Reputation: 14953
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
I didn't mean to go off topic. It reminded me of what I saw in my work. As women we can't just go around like "haha how fun. I'm gonna find a man. Yayyy."



We have to screen, if we have children.. or if we plan to, even more. Women are the gate keepers of the future generations imo.


We can't have every Jeffery Dahmer and Charles Manson getting through, just because we feel desperate one night.



This is just my opinion though and it might be an extreme one.
I think it's just common sense, but in our current culture it may indeed come off as extreme, at least to people who want to see it that way. We all know our rights in life but nowadays fewer and fewer people are willing to acknowledge their responsibilities.

This is not unique to either gender. Men who sleep with a woman and then judge her for it are another example of this. Both parties got to that place together. For my part I've always assumed a woman who wanted to sleep with me right away simply had good taste in men.
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Old Yesterday, 10:01 AM
 
Location: Texas
10,186 posts, read 3,909,513 times
Reputation: 20643
Quote:
Originally Posted by That_One_Girl View Post
Unless you don't care. In that case, do you. But I care. There is no deeper act than letting another human inside your body.
True. Which is why it's so unreasonable to me, that some people would demand sex if the person they're dating doesn't know them that well yet.
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Old Yesterday, 10:02 AM
 
8,602 posts, read 7,239,799 times
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It’s totally dependent on the people involved, their beliefs, their ideals and the type of relationships they seek. However, “Longer” will always yield a better or “safer” approach since the risks associated with a lack of experience and connection are lessened with time.

This is why “longer” is always the answer people gravitate towards. It’s the common sense response that overtakes any emotional one.

Last edited by rego00123; Yesterday at 10:11 AM..
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Old Yesterday, 10:39 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,422 posts, read 334,854 times
Reputation: 1252
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
True. Which is why it's so unreasonable to me, that some people would demand sex if the person they're dating doesn't know them that well yet.
There probably aren't too many people *demanding* sex that are dating. The answer would be easy ....stop dating them.
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Old Yesterday, 10:42 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,422 posts, read 334,854 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123 View Post

This is why “longer” is always the answer people gravitate towards. It’s the common sense response that overtakes any emotional one.
Ita....but there is no "right" answer to the O.P.'s question cause it depends on so many different things.....BUT if they do, use protection........
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