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Old Yesterday, 08:19 AM
 
707 posts, read 220,840 times
Reputation: 1938

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Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
It was meant as a metaphor and could almost be applied to what I feel would have happened if we were in each other's physical presence. She was not screaming, but she was really pushing the fact that she loves me and was sorry.
How many times over the course of your relationship have you gone through the entire scenario as depicted in this thread?
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Old Yesterday, 08:22 AM
 
29 posts, read 4,536 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
How many times over the course of your relationship have you gone through the entire scenario as depicted in this thread?
As far as seriousness...

This would be the first time it has gotten to this point where I feel truly broken. It has got close to this before, not at this level.
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Old Yesterday, 08:23 AM
 
29 posts, read 4,536 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
She's manipulating you. I know its hard to ignore but its what you have to do.


My stalker used to do the same thing to me, to force me to talk to him. He would throw tantrums and it would frighten me, so I would cave and talk to him. But in the end it just delayed the inevitable.


Its hard to ignore someone who is throwing a tantrum but its what you have to do. I am sure in parenting classes they teach this when dealing with tantruming 2 year olds. If you give in, you are just reinforcing the behavior and they know they can control you this way.


Not to compare your girlfriend to a 2 year old, but the same psychology holds.
But what if in her mind she is not trying to manipulate me?
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Old Yesterday, 08:24 AM
 
717 posts, read 350,919 times
Reputation: 534
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
But what if in her mind she is not trying to manipulate me?

You mean she is truly reaching the depths of devastation due to your leaving?


Do you think that is a rational reaction on her part though? Is her world going to end if you leave her or will she be able to survive on her own?


Unless she is disabled and you are her carer and she needs you in order to survive, even if she panics for a day or two due to being left, she will recover.
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Old Yesterday, 08:25 AM
 
707 posts, read 220,840 times
Reputation: 1938
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
As far as seriousness...

This would be the first time it has gotten to this point where I feel truly broken. It has got close to this before, not at this level.
What would you advise a friend to do in your situation--armed only with the knowledge that you've given us here on this forum?
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Old Yesterday, 08:27 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
44,037 posts, read 42,618,966 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
But what if in her mind she is not trying to manipulate me?
I don't think anyone here is suggesting she is willfully and diabolically manipulating you.

What we are saying is that this is how she has learned to deal with conflict, and it's unhealthy and VERY hard to change.

She does it most likely without realizing it's manipulation, because if she knew she would be a monster LOL.

She's obviously acted this way before and it's been reinforced because it has worked. So she continues.

You also are reinforcing it by allowing her back into your life.
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Old Yesterday, 08:30 AM
 
Location: Scrapple country
1,573 posts, read 1,307,861 times
Reputation: 4698
William.

She is not going to get better. She is not going to learn how to communicate like an adult. At first I thought she was very young and might possibly mature out of this behavior (in a future relationship), but at her age it's only going to get worse.

She will never be the kind of partner you want her to be. Accept this. And then ask yourself how many years you're willing to dedicate to a woman who repeatedly tells you to grow a set of balls during a conversation.

It even sounds like she's trying to sabotage the relationship. On one hand she keeps telling you she loves you, don't leave me, etc. But on the other hand, she's doing everything that would have made most partners leave a long time ago. She's being really abusive towards you, make no mistake about it. What's up with that dichotomy? Fear of real intimacy, maybe. Especially given that you're about to meet for the second time. I'm no psychologist so don't take me too seriously, but the point is that there's something very wrong with how she relates to people, and this is not something you are ever going to be able to fix. Frankly, she needs years of therapy.

You have nothing but heartache ahead of you (and possibly more financial losses) if you stay with this woman. That you love her doesn't matter - your love can not fix her massive problems. You need to make a decision here.

Good luck.
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Old Yesterday, 08:32 AM
 
Location: Scrapple country
1,573 posts, read 1,307,861 times
Reputation: 4698
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
But what if in her mind she is not trying to manipulate me?
Manipulators NEVER think they're manipulating. Never. Most people behaving badly don't recognize their own behaviors for what they really are. So, in a word, it doesn't matter. She's still very much manipulating you, and it's part of a larger pattern of behavior that will not get better without years of therapy.
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Old Yesterday, 08:37 AM
 
7,085 posts, read 2,556,862 times
Reputation: 16229
My stepson used to have a horrible temper. Yelled and cussed at his girlfriends, yelled and cussed at his kids. He never had a problem GETTING a girlfriend, but had a hard time keeping them. One day, he met and eventually married my DIL.


She's a smart, caring, compassionate person. And he treated her like he treated all his other girlfriends. I don't know why she put up with it. However...that said, she'd always play the martyr, and my stepson was always the bad guy. (And he DID behave atrociously at times.)


Eventually, she'd had enough of his hair trigger ugly behavior, and she told him to get help or she'd leave. So, he got help. He's on medication, and it's made a vast world of difference in him. And you know what? She was at loose ends because she couldn't be the martyr anymore. Here's my stepson being all reasonable, and she'd pick an argument.


It kind of seems like you're enjoying being the martyr. Kind of like...it makes you feel like you're a superior person to her. It's almost like, you enjoy this mental torment on some level. Or...do you think, in your heart of hearts, that you can't do better? That any girl, even a woman who's treating you like crap, is better than NO woman?


Cause, here's the thing...most men would not put up with what you've been putting up with. She doesn't seem to respect you...but you'll take whatever scraps she throws your way, but then remind her how mean she's being. It's strange to me.


Most peop
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Old Yesterday, 08:46 AM
 
717 posts, read 350,919 times
Reputation: 534
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
My stepson used to have a horrible temper. Yelled and cussed at his girlfriends, yelled and cussed at his kids. He never had a problem GETTING a girlfriend, but had a hard time keeping them. One day, he met and eventually married my DIL.


She's a smart, caring, compassionate person. And he treated her like he treated all his other girlfriends. I don't know why she put up with it. However...that said, she'd always play the martyr, and my stepson was always the bad guy. (And he DID behave atrociously at times.)


Eventually, she'd had enough of his hair trigger ugly behavior, and she told him to get help or she'd leave. So, he got help. He's on medication, and it's made a vast world of difference in him. And you know what? She was at loose ends because she couldn't be the martyr anymore. Here's my stepson being all reasonable, and she'd pick an argument.


It kind of seems like you're enjoying being the martyr. Kind of like...it makes you feel like you're a superior person to her. It's almost like, you enjoy this mental torment on some level. Or...do you think, in your heart of hearts, that you can't do better? That any girl, even a woman who's treating you like crap, is better than NO woman?


Cause, here's the thing...most men would not put up with what you've been putting up with. She doesn't seem to respect you...but you'll take whatever scraps she throws your way, but then remind her how mean she's being. It's strange to me.


Most peop

People can also get kind of addicted to the drama and chaos. Without it life feels kind of empty and plain. But with all the chaos and drama they are at least feeling something. It gives life color.
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