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Old 08-26-2019, 08:59 AM
 
714 posts, read 222,207 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
People can also get kind of addicted to the drama and chaos. Without it life feels kind of empty and plain. But with all the chaos and drama they are at least feeling something. It gives life color.
I don't know if this is true in our O.P.'s case, but I've seen this occur in real life time and time again. There's nothing that anyone can say or do to get people to leave such relationships until they themselves decide that they've had enough.

At least in our O.P.'s situation he has the protection of distance (to a degree) and he and his girlfriend have no children who would be forced to witness constant/feel underlying tension or be used as an additional tool of manipulation. (I've also seen the latter happen with some frequency. )
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Old 08-26-2019, 09:01 AM
 
7,124 posts, read 2,566,561 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
People can also get kind of addicted to the drama and chaos. Without it life feels kind of empty and plain. But with all the chaos and drama they are at least feeling something. It gives life color.

This is true. Also, I think sometimes people think "You fight for true love, come thick and thin, you hang in there."


I learned a long time ago that true love doesn't have to be so darn hard.
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Old 08-26-2019, 09:04 AM
 
721 posts, read 352,412 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
I don't know if this is true in our O.P.'s case, but I've seen this occur in real life time and time again. There's nothing that anyone can say or do to get people to leave such relationships until they themselves decide that they've had enough.

At least in our O.P.'s situation he has the protection of distance (to a degree) and he and his girlfriend have no children who would be forced to witness constant/feel underlying tension or be used as an additional tool of manipulation. (I've also seen the latter happen with some frequency. )

I don't know him well enough to know if it applies to him or not either. But from what I've witnessed when a relationship is dysfunctional, there are usually two people contributing to the dysfunction in some way. There is rarely one pure victim and one pure villain.



True, the OP is lucky he isn't in deeper than he is already, though if he's not careful he may get pulled in to the point of no return.
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Old 08-26-2019, 09:12 AM
 
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OP, here's a thought.


What if you are a great person, with a lot to offer to someone.


What if your girlfriend is also a great person, with a lot to offer to someone.


But the 2 of you together, are not good. The 2 of you together are like sushi ice cream, or dill pickle pudding, or chocolate cake with worcesthire icing.
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Old 08-26-2019, 09:25 AM
 
21,282 posts, read 16,973,520 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
So I am in a loving relationship "not sure if I can really call it that now" with a girl for over 10 months now going on 11. We started out really well and have been with a few minor issues until recent weeks. These issues have begun to get worse and worse.

It seems when I try to talk to her she doesn't want to listen and/or turns it into an issue about it being about me when in fact I have come to her expressing my feelings. It then turns into this thing where she wants to play tit for tat, something I feel is a destructive behavior that I have talked to her about as well. She just tells me things "Well that's how I am and you knew that since the beginning. Don't come at me!" When indeed it is has not been me coming at her to begin with, but it is her thinking/feeling like I am although I am trying to talk to her in the most loving way possible. She'll then hang up on me out of no where "Something I have no tolerance for and really is rude in my opinion." She's been doing this for months although I have expressed my feelings about it. So I am always left with the feeling she is not respecting my feelings on it and things just go on into the next day because nothing ever got resolved. She'll come back the next day and apologize and tell me how much she loves me but then history repeats itself.

On other small things as I have said, it is a matter of her repeating things and apologizing, repeating the cycle over and over. Well back to the beginning where I mentioned "minor issues until recent weeks", some of these things have lead to more significant issues after trying to talk to her. One of which is an absence of feelings about little small things that matter in a relationship.
When I tried to talk to her, things began to go south and south really fast because in my heart it began to become really harmful when I saw how careless she began to show she was. She began to come at me with insults and laughing/making jokes about things calling them funny. Again, this goes back as I said before when things were minor but now getting worse, respect. Don't get me wrong. I have always respected her feelings and been there for her every inch of the way. It was her absence of feelings or what I would call love that I was having trouble with.

Things got kind of bad between us over it because she went on her spree of lashing back at me even when I was telling her that was not the right way to handle things. It seems all she understands is to become destructive and fight when I tell her that it feels bad that she is not being so caring and showing love the way she says she has it. To me, a person can say they love another person all they want, but that is shown by what that person does and says. In this case there was a great absence of love for no apparent reasons besides her logic.

So the weeks have gone by and things have gotten worse about her showing an absence of compassion, love, and stuff that matters most. She tells me she loves me with all her heart etc but it is getting really hard for me to believe it with how she acts towards me now. She has began to call me needy, regularly tells me to shutup, and constantly complains about how I feel about things. Not going to lie, this has been very harmful, she doesn't seem to care, and it's been tipping me over the edge. I got angry with her the other night because of her instinct to fight with me and told her that she didn't care about us and that's all she knew how to do was destroy things. After trying to rationalize with her over and over it has started leaving be in a state of pain because deep down it is breaking my heart and I see where this is going with us. She doesn't realize it and/or she doesn't care. It seems she loves to be stubborn and cold more than she she loves me if she loves me at all like she says.

So last night things got even worse. She began complaining and insulting me as she has been calling me needy and complaining about me. I called her a cold hearted ***** out of pain, something I never thought would do. I told her that "If showing love was to much of a need and my needs was to much for her then she should leave me. Am I to much for you!?" She said no, but then continued to put me down complaining and completely act cold about things as she has been acting. I apologized for calling her a ***** and explained to her that she needs to let love control what she does instead of coming at me like that. After all was said and done she kept finding excuses for it and told me to "man up and grow some balls. You are to sensitive." I explained to her that she was basically asking me to not care and that is was not okay to keep putting me down. Her response was "...and!? Grow a ******* d***!" After that she told me she loved me again, but all of this has left me a very broken person who doesn't know what to do. I want things to be okay, but this is going really far and in my heart it is not making me feel good at all.

I feel 100% she isn't cheating or anything else. It is just her logic not meeting with mine and her being able to see eye to eye about how love works.
What do you guys think I should do?
I’m in a similar situation. My fiancť takes everything as a personal attack and so the smallest thing is filtered through his fear of not being good enough and he reacts by lashing out. The smallest thing turns into huge screaming match and I feel like in the Twilight Zone cause he makes such a big deal. Example we took a road trip last week. Lots of traffic coming home. Gas tank is on E. I am a planner, a cautious person. I refill the tank at halfway point “just in case” as you can’t control traffic or an accident that keeps you stuck for a long time. I say we need to get gas at the rest stop coming up. He says “it’s fine, we can make it to next one 15 miles up. I get upset (have to control my end better) and say you can’t know it’ll be fine. Because of my own an anxiety issues I know there’s no possible way for me to be relaxed with the tank on E. But for him it’s not about me, it’s an attack on his competence .
This is when he hears “You have no faith in me as a leader. You think I don’t know what I’m doing.” He can then no longer really hear what I’m saying because it all sounds like “You don’t trust me or love me” in his brain. He gets madder and is yelling over me as I try to explain. He accuses me of needing to be “right” when to me right or wrong is not the point.

We never really resolve it. We both just go to our corners and eventually he comes out and says he’s sorry, and I accept it, but he never really gets it.

We both know we have to find a way to talk to each other without him feeling attacked (one issue is that in terms of intellect, I am smarter than he is, and I think he’s insecure about that as he knows it too).

I’ll let you know what we figure out.
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Old 08-26-2019, 09:35 AM
 
721 posts, read 352,412 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
Iím in a similar situation. My fiancť takes everything as a personal attack and so the smallest thing is filtered through his fear of not being good enough and he reacts by lashing out. The smallest thing turns into huge screaming match and I feel like in the Twilight Zone cause he makes such a big deal. Example we took a road trip last week. Lots of traffic coming home. Gas tank is on E. I am a planner, a cautious person. I refill the tank at halfway point ďjust in caseĒ as you canít control traffic or an accident that keeps you stuck for a long time. I say we need to get gas at the rest stop coming up. He says ďitís fine, we can make it to next one 15 miles up. I get upset (have to control my end better) and say you canít know itíll be fine. Because of my own an anxiety issues I know thereís no possible way for me to be relaxed with the tank on E. But for him itís not about me, itís an attack on his competence .
This is when he hears ďYou have no faith in me as a leader. You think I donít know what Iím doing.Ē He can then no longer really hear what Iím saying because it all sounds like ďYou donít trust me or love meĒ in his brain. He gets madder and is yelling over me as I try to explain. He accuses me of needing to be ďrightĒ when to me right or wrong is not the point.

We never really resolve it. We both just go to our corners and eventually he comes out and says heís sorry, and I accept it, but he never really gets it.

We both know we have to find a way to talk to each other without him feeling attacked (one issue is that in terms of intellect, I am smarter than he is, and I think heís insecure about that as he knows it too).

Iíll let you know what we figure out.

Imo these are "trigger" areas. He is triggered by a woman who challenges his judgment. In that scenario you were 100% correct in my pov. I've run out of gas, its horrible. And driving slowly through traffic uses a lot of gas. Its odd he didn't want to pull over to refuel imo.


We might be getting off topic, sorry. But the issue of triggers might apply to OP. He and his girlfriend hit each other's triggers, it seems.
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Old 08-26-2019, 09:42 AM
 
721 posts, read 352,412 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
This is true. Also, I think sometimes people think "You fight for true love, come thick and thin, you hang in there."


I learned a long time ago that true love doesn't have to be so darn hard.

True, there should be compromise and not to say its always easy, but ideally both people relate in a mature way and issues that come up are resolved without too much issue.


But when the same issue/s comes up again and again and there is a lack of healthy coping skills or healthy ways of relating and communicating with each other, and this is a pattern that goes on and on, then its probably time to move on.
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Old 08-26-2019, 10:38 AM
 
21,282 posts, read 16,973,520 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
Imo these are "trigger" areas. He is triggered by a woman who challenges his judgment. In that scenario you were 100% correct in my pov. I've run out of gas, its horrible. And driving slowly through traffic uses a lot of gas. Its odd he didn't want to pull over to refuel imo.


We might be getting off topic, sorry. But the issue of triggers might apply to OP. He and his girlfriend hit each other's triggers, it seems.
Yes I too think thatís what it is. Itís not just about women though, he takes it very personally regardless of gender. In The Four Agreements, the author talks of trigger points as wounds that arent visible. He said we are always touching and poking at each otherís wounds inadvertently. I have issues myself (anxiety) and I get upset because he is unable to calm me in my anxious moments because he takes it personally. Again making my issues about him. I can really only work on my end. But it sucks.

He did in the end stop at the first cause I was freaking out by then, but he felt like he was giving into me and stayed mad about it for awhile.
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Old 08-26-2019, 11:10 AM
 
26,389 posts, read 28,808,974 times
Reputation: 25330
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
I was politely saying that people here have already beaten the message into the guy, so, we can stop the dog piling now. Guy is gonna do what he's gonna do at this point.
Point noted. But I don't think too many posts emphasized the self reflection aspect.
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Old 08-26-2019, 11:40 AM
 
26,389 posts, read 28,808,974 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
Well what's happened in my life is that I am a trusting person when it comes to love
Too trusting, in my opinion.

I don't expect you to answer on these boards, but something deeper is going on than that. I hope you'll ask yourself, do some reading, watch some good YouTube videos, or get some professional help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
and that person has shown me they can be trusted with money.
I'm trying to envision a scenario where someone I talked to over the phone and met only once would be someone I'd "lend" $1200 to. I can't come up with one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
It's the issue of breaking that trust with her that raising the red flags about her willingness to pay it back if I did leave her.
Nah, I'm not buying it. People who are trustworthy pay back what they owe, even when others don't live up to their end of the bargain. Then they end relationships with the person in question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
This really isn't about money though. That's only one very small issue to me, but the most important thing to me is what's in her heart. I've only *been* with her one time but we have spent an significant amount of time talking and bonding over the phone and video callings etc.
I think she's already shown you what's in her heart. You just don't want to believe it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
I don't want to be treated like a doormat and I have to much dignity for it. That's why I called her today and talked.



I've already talked to her and I will see it again. Although money does mean a little something to me, it's not all about the money. I have more important things I want to see come from this.

As for the secret excuse to hold on? It's something called love and forgiveness and my age has very little with how fate had things work out the way they did to make us meet. I originally made this post addressing the gist of the main issues I have been facing, not for people to criticize me of my reasons for how I have found love at mine or her age.
I agree it's not about the money. We've been telling you your idea of love is quite skewed. This version of love she's giving you is not what happy, stable relationships are made of. You can forgive someone for their bad behavior. That doesn't mean you keep going back for more. If a guy punches me in the face because he's a jerk, I would forgive him for being a jerk. But that doesn't mean I'm going to hang around him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
Sometimes it happens and I am one of those people that just roll with it if it feels right all considered. Things have ended up going bad recently though as they do with numerous other relationships.
The problem with what "feels right" is that usually means what "feels familiar". If "familiar" for you is being treated badly, then you'll repeat that in your relationships. Lots of people go from one abusive relationship to another because it feels right to them. It's actually not healthy, but it feels right for them because it's what they're familiar with. It usually goes back to childhood experiences.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
As for maturity, that was the first time I have ever really name called her. It's never been in my nature to do that sort of thing and I was pushed to the EXTREME after a barrage of attacks from her. Then and ONLY then did I lash out at her. Soon after as I have said originally, I apologized for it with no apology from back from her because well at the time she felt like fighting and insulting was the best answer. My argument with that was her entertaining it.
A mature person would've ended it long before they felt they got angry enough to start name calling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
99% of the time I am one to try and rationalize things
You said a mouthful there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
What do you guys think I can do?
To your original question, we all answered you the same way. We told you there was nothing you could do and that it would be best to end it. Some of us were a bit more harsh in our response than others. But we all said the same thing.

We see this a lot on the CD relationships forum (and other forums as well). People come on here and ask for advice. EVERYONE on the board tells the person they're not in a healthy relationship and should end it....and the person keeps arguing with the people who gave them the advice (they don't understand, blah, blah, blah).

Why bother to ask for advice if you don't want to consider the responses?
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