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Old Yesterday, 10:45 AM
 
344 posts, read 215,350 times
Reputation: 459

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Just trying to do the math here...


-She's 38 and lives with her parents
-She's far enough away that you have to do actual traveling to see her, and have only seen her a few times

-She's mean to you all the time
-She has borrowed money from you
-You've been "together" for less than a year


I've gotta say, I'm not seeing the upside of any of this.


I understand being heartbroken, in fact that's why I'm currently here puttering my time away trying not to think of my own problems, but I don't think you need any of us to tell you where this is all headed. Better to jump out now down a year and $1200 than it is to drag it out and waste more time and money. The heartbreak isn't going to be any easier if you wait another year, or 10. Nor is the money ever coming back.
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Old Yesterday, 10:49 AM
 
17 posts
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Has she not promised to "be better" along the way, which she also has broken too? You didn't sign up for a lifetime of verbal abuse. That revokes the promise.
I see your point on this and it is right. It does seem to be some justification if I do end things. Yes, she has promised to be better which she only gets worse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Then I'll just go ahead and tell you ... this is hopeless. She has PROVEN to you that she won't change.

Yes, she has even told me she isn't going to change and scorned me for trying to talk to her about "showing more love."

Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
More manipulation. She's immature. Not fit for a committed relationship.
I've even told her the hanging up and tit for tat game is immature and destructive. It is not a mature understanding way to handle things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Then consider it a very expensive life lesson and do not let it factor into your decision to break up.

You will need to be strong, and you may have to prepare yourself to block her number because she doesn't sound like the type to take the high road and bow out gracefully.
Yes, a very expensive lesson I don't feel I can ever repeat again...

She's not one to bow out gracefully at all and I am sure she will lash out at me even more. It will make me feel like a murderer to leave her because I know she might not understand just how bad this is.

I'll talk to her today about how it isn't working the way things are and see where things go. If an argument pursues then I might be considering cancelling all flights. I'm not sure I can say it's over though and feel okay with myself... Maybe just tell her I need time to myself and that I am giving her time to come around but for now I won't be coming there and that I am not officially leaving her.
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Old Yesterday, 10:54 AM
 
17 posts
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
Just trying to do the math here...


-She's 38 and lives with her parents
-She's far enough away that you have to do actual traveling to see her, and have only seen her a few times

-She's mean to you all the time
-She has borrowed money from you
-You've been "together" for less than a year


I've gotta say, I'm not seeing the upside of any of this.


I understand being heartbroken, in fact that's why I'm currently here puttering my time away trying not to think of my own problems, but I don't think you need any of us to tell you where this is all headed. Better to jump out now down a year and $1200 than it is to drag it out and waste more time and money. The heartbreak isn't going to be any easier if you wait another year, or 10. Nor is the money ever coming back.
Ever since the beginning I have wondered why she still lives with her parents and it correlating to her past relationships. There seems to be a pattern.

Sadly it is looking really bad to me too.
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Old Yesterday, 11:05 AM
 
344 posts, read 215,350 times
Reputation: 459
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
Ever since the beginning I have wondered why she still lives with her parents and it correlating to her past relationships. There seems to be a pattern.

Sadly it is looking really bad to me too.

I mean, there are a bunch of really valid reasons a person her age could live with her parents (they're ill, she's been ill, financial rebuilding after some major life cliff event like a divorce, or death, or house fire, etc), but you'd know that by now.


Really... That's the only one of the points I numerated that even could be explained away. The rest just point to this not being an awesome thing you've got going. I mean, essentially on accident (it didn't start that way) I ended up in a long term, long distance, relationship it was just miserable. That alone is enough reason to reconsider, but everything else too...? Ehhh... Not for me.
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Old Yesterday, 11:18 AM
 
17 posts
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
I mean, there are a bunch of really valid reasons a person her age could live with her parents (they're ill, she's been ill, financial rebuilding after some major life cliff event like a divorce, or death, or house fire, etc), but you'd know that by now.


Really... That's the only one of the points I numerated that even could be explained away. The rest just point to this not being an awesome thing you've got going. I mean, essentially on accident (it didn't start that way) I ended up in a long term, long distance, relationship it was just miserable. That alone is enough reason to reconsider, but everything else too...? Ehhh... Not for me.
Yes, I know the obvious reasons why she stays with her parents and they are all connected to her bond with them. Nothing else really holding her there which I have no real issues with except maybe some underlying issues she may have with moving forward with any real hope for a life together and the sacrifices she might or might not be willing to make to make it happen. I have been willing to do whatever it takes to make it work but to keep things rational for us is also something she always avoids at all costs. She's never been married or children.

Yes, things for us are really miserable and I will be talking things over with her today.
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Old Yesterday, 11:27 AM
 
344 posts, read 215,350 times
Reputation: 459
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
Yes, I know the obvious reasons why she stays with her parents and they are all connected to her bond with them.

Uhhh... I'm connected to my parents too, from my own dwelling. I even know several people that have bought houses on the same block as their parents so they can be close, but at her age, with no other obvious reason, it's because she doesn't want to do things like pay bills and other "stuff" adults have to do. I mean, what's the long term plan here? You uproot yourself what sounds like hundreds, if not thousands, of miles and move in with her parents too? Yuck...


Anyhow, good luck with that talk today. I agree with the other commenters that have told you to call off that trip (and likely the rest too).
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Old Yesterday, 12:26 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
44,000 posts, read 42,602,465 times
Reputation: 85074
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post

She's not one to bow out gracefully at all and I am sure she will lash out at me even more. It will make me feel like a murderer to leave her because I know she might not understand just how bad this is.
You really shouldn't give her that much power over you. You are allowed and entitled to be happy! The fact that you will feel like a murderer for breaking up just proves how successfully she has made YOU take all the responsibility for this relationship.

You've let her blame you. Time to stop that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post

I'll talk to her today about how it isn't working the way things are and see where things go. If an argument pursues then I might be considering cancelling all flights. I'm not sure I can say it's over though and feel okay with myself... Maybe just tell her I need time to myself and that I am giving her time to come around but for now I won't be coming there and that I am not officially leaving her.
I get that taking a stand isn't really your forte, but seriously ... you'll "see where things go"?

You KNOW where they will go, so you need to prepare yourself for that.

Don't stay on the phone while she rants at you and cries.
Don't take her calls if she calls back.
Stay strong.

"Giving yourself time" just sounds like code for setting yourself up for letting her talk you into staying around for more maltreatment.

If I were you, I would tell her that when you hang up the phone, you are going to cancel the tickets and go "no contact" for a month, and then STICK WITH THAT PLAN.

It's for your own good. The ONLY way things will change is if you REALLY change them.
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Old Yesterday, 12:51 PM
 
5,630 posts, read 2,447,216 times
Reputation: 15652
You're not in a relationship. You have a phone buddy.

30+ and you can't see this is bizarre????
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Old Yesterday, 02:03 PM
Status: "I don't FEEL tardy." (set 18 days ago)
 
2,069 posts, read 1,003,282 times
Reputation: 5692
This is the epitome of 'beating a dead horse'. Long distance relationship? Only been together once before? Among all the other questionable stuff? You SURE there's not someone else on her mind?

No--are you sure, or just sadly hopeful?
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Old Yesterday, 02:06 PM
Status: "I don't FEEL tardy." (set 18 days ago)
 
2,069 posts, read 1,003,282 times
Reputation: 5692
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
Ever since the beginning I have wondered why she still lives with her parents and it correlating to her past relationships. There seems to be a pattern.

Sadly it is looking really bad to me too.
And yet you're still trying to sail a sinking ship. "Yeah, it looks hopeless, but I'm stil going to put my all into this one-sided 'relationship'".
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