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Old Yesterday, 06:49 PM
 
344 posts, read 217,947 times
Reputation: 471

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
I agree. It doesn't in a very immediate sense. But the point of the comment was to get him to do some self reflection...

I was politely saying that people here have already beaten the message into the guy, so, we can stop the dog piling now. Guy is gonna do what he's gonna do at this point.
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Old Yesterday, 08:27 PM
 
1,101 posts, read 307,719 times
Reputation: 3082
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
That really doesn't help the guy out of his situation right now...
But the multiple people saying "it's time to end this" would... if he would listen.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
I was politely saying that people here have already beaten the message into the guy, so, we can stop the dog piling now. Guy is gonna do what he's gonna do at this point.
You're welcome to stop reading when you feel you've had enough. He clearly is not getting the message that the behavior of neither of them is normal (and, too few people are talking about *his* role in this and painting her as the sole bad guy). Not, obviously, that all of the best reasons in the world are going to convince him because he has his mind made up... I mean, my *first* reply told him everything he needed to know, so apparently every post after that is also extraneous?

Why, exactly, is my post (in which I partly respond to *his reply to me*) suddenly too much, unlike, say, the one three minutes before it? And is he a friend of yours, that you're deciding no more advice is needed?
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Old Yesterday, 09:49 PM
 
5,633 posts, read 2,447,216 times
Reputation: 15657
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
But the multiple people saying "it's time to end this" would... if he would listen.




You're welcome to stop reading when you feel you've had enough. He clearly is not getting the message that the behavior of neither of them is normal (and, too few people are talking about *his* role in this and painting her as the sole bad guy). Not, obviously, that all of the best reasons in the world are going to convince him because he has his mind made up... I mean, my *first* reply told him everything he needed to know, so apparently every post after that is also extraneous?

Why, exactly, is my post (in which I partly respond to *his reply to me*) suddenly too much, unlike, say, the one three minutes before it? And is he a friend of yours, that you're deciding no more advice is needed?
This.
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Old Yesterday, 10:58 PM
 
8,598 posts, read 7,236,550 times
Reputation: 9067
Sorry William, she’s doesn’t sound worth wasting that much effort over keeping around.
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Old Today, 12:04 AM
Status: "I don't FEEL tardy." (set 18 days ago)
 
2,070 posts, read 1,003,282 times
Reputation: 5697
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
I was politely saying that people here have already beaten the message into the guy, so, we can stop the dog piling now. Guy is gonna do what he's gonna do at this point.
I love messageboard hall monitors.

Move past posts you don't like.
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Old Today, 02:23 AM
 
12,987 posts, read 14,270,669 times
Reputation: 35694
If you are miserable, and you find her consistently nasty and unreasonable: Dump her!

Ten months in a "loving relationship", and now crapola. So, have you learned the lesson: Love is forever, as long as it lasts.
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Old Today, 03:06 AM
 
24 posts, read 8,570 times
Reputation: 50
you are teaching her how to treat you. you allow her to treat you in this manner. hows that working for you? there are other people in this world that can and know how to treat another human being. I know im going on 60 yr old. I have been in normal relationships and have learned how to treat another human being.

you have one choice I see that is to leave her she isn't going to change and has done this in all her relationships how do I know? because I use to know someone just like her and watched it play out in her last relationship. if I didn't know any better I swear it is her lol
good luck finding a normal relationship and remember you allow her to do this to you.....
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Old Today, 03:14 AM
 
29 posts, read 2,044 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
I can guarantee you she's got a pattern, and it's not good.

At this point, it's really not about her and much more about you. You need to ask yourself what's happened in your life that makes you willing to lend $1200 to someone you've only met once,. To be in a long distance relationship where there are multiple warning signs. Yet you persist in allowing her various forms of manipulation. You can keep talking to her until you're blue in the face, but nothing's going to change. You can't seem to be fully willing to admit that to yourself. It's like you're addicted to believing things will be different the next time you have a talk with her. An emotionally healthy person would have walked away from this bad treatment a long time ago.

So, really it's more about you finding out why you put up with such shabby treatment and learning to stop being a doormat.
Well what's happened in my life is that I am a trusting person when it comes to love and that person has shown me they can be trusted with money. It's the issue of breaking that trust with her that raising the red flags about her willingness to pay it back if I did leave her. She could easily afford to give it back if it came down to it. This really isn't about money though. That's only one very small issue to me, but the most important thing to me is what's in her heart. I've only *been* with her one time but we have spent an significant amount of time talking and bonding over the phone and video callings etc.

I don't want to be treated like a doormat and I have to much dignity for it. That's why I called her today and talked.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BobCaldwell View Post
He's likely to use the money--which he will never see again--as his secret excuse to hold on. Hmmmm....in his thirties. Wow.
I've already talked to her and I will see it again. Although money does mean a little something to me, it's not all about the money. I have more important things I want to see come from this.

As for the secret excuse to hold on? It's something called love and forgiveness and my age has very little with how fate had things work out the way they did to make us meet. I originally made this post addressing the gist of the main issues I have been facing, not for people to criticize me of my reasons for how I have found love at mine or her age.

Sometimes it happens and I am one of those people that just role with it if it feels right all considered. Things have ended up going bad recently though as they do with numerous other relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
Maybe she doesn't have anywhere quiet to go? Maybe her parents would ask her why or get angry? There are many explanations besides "she doesn't love you."




You called her a "coldhearted *******." That's "completely reasonable/calm" to you??


Honestly, I expected you to say you two were college kids or something, from the way you both act. This is not the way mature adult relationships are supposed to work, and neither of you are the epitome of maturity. You criticize her for not being lovey-dovey enough, she points out that you can't change her*, then the name-calling starts. This whole thing has more drama than a theater company.

*And she's right, you can't. You DID know what she was like, yet chose to stay. You can't make someone change. If there is something about them that you can't live with, you say goodbye and find someone else who isn't like that. But you don't tell someone they have to become someone else because you want them to. Frankly, we still don't exactly what it is that she does/doesn't do that bothers you, except that she'd rather not talk to you on the phone with her parents listening in-- which just isn't *that* big of a deal-- so we have no idea if you are being reasonable in your complaints or not


She doesn't want it to end? It's not her choice. She only has control over whether *she* ends it, not whether *you* do. If you want to leave, you can leave. Again, this relationship has not even lasted a year. You're not trying to save a 15-year marriage, you're trying to hang onto a short, long-distance thing. Listen to the advice of the song and let it go.


If you keep answering her calls and can't make yourself not do it, then tell her it's over and block her. I don't care if she cries, I don't care if she begs. If you have to, say "It's over, we're through, the end" and then immediately hang up before she can respond, and block.
She has plenty of places to go and can easily as I have been in her house. We have fully discussed it too. I place value on what the other person is willing to do for the other as I am the type of person that would want to be treated as I treat others. This issue about privacy is something important to me and really it evolved into a much more significant issue the more we talked about it and became more about love/sacrifices than just privacy. Privacy was the least of my worries after all and done with at the time.

As for maturity, that was the first time I have ever really name called her. It's never been in my nature to do that sort of thing and I was pushed to the EXTREME after a barrage of attacks from her. Then and ONLY then did I lash out at her. Soon after as I have said originally, I apologized for it with no apology from back from her because well at the time she felt like fighting and insulting was the best answer. My argument with that was her entertaining it.

99% of the time I am one to try and rationalize things, and in this case in a loving way with her. The other 1% is when I was harmed enough to be pushed that far. It's not like I need to be scorned further for it after I have already said I apologized for it, it's not at all in my nature to do that, and this post was not meant for that. I understand you were trying to give advice, but at the same time I find your advice to be overly critical and not quiet understanding to the situation. What you should understand though is what I have said. It's the honest truth. My original question was What do you guys think I can do? Not like I want to be criticized any further about things when I am already dealing with enough.

You're right. I did know how she was after talking and getting to know her, but with any relationship, I believe in talking to convey each other's feelings in a reasonable way when there are problems. I don't know of a couple that has not had issues that they work through. Usually that's done through talking. It's just that usually when I talk it either gets resolved with her, the problem returns, and/or she wants to fight with me. I do listen to her when she wants to talk about things and don't have any issues compromising, it's just sometimes with her she feels like she is being poked at when expressing my feelings and begins to play this tit for tat game that I know leads to worse things. I have always told her I want no part of that game. It's for children. I don't play it.

I did talk to her and she really does not want it to end at all. Yes she was crying and begging me to not do it. Yes, I have a heart and it's forgiving. She said she would stop fighting and be more understanding with me and I explained to her how I have some insecurities now because of all this. She understood and promised to be more compassionate/loving than she has been.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
I agree. It doesn't in a very immediate sense. But the point of the comment was to get him to do some self reflection and ask himself why he is in such a relationship that most people outgrow by the time they're his age. In the long run, my hope is that some self reflection will help him not only to get out of such drama, but to be able to avoid it in the first place--because he's fixed some things within himself. If he doesn't know why he puts up with such behavior, he's likely to keep repeating the pattern.




One can hope.
Yes, I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting and asking myself why I deal with this stuff. It's just that I believe there is a soul somewhere in her and want to see her show me what she has said she would do.
I thought I was over long distance too before I met her. It just happened either though it took a while of getting to know her before taking any steps further into a relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
I was politely saying that people here have already beaten the message into the guy, so, we can stop the dog piling now. Guy is gonna do what he's gonna do at this point.
I agree. I am seeing some dog piling and it is not really doing nothing except exacerbating the situation. Almost feels like I created a post inquiring about issues I am facing by providing the honest truth and people are trying to find holes to poke at by looking for stuff I am doing wrong.

I had no intentions of providing every single detail about every little thing. This post was to give people an honest idea of some real issues I have been facing.

A fact people here need to understand...

My main issue with her has been a lack of compassion and showing of love when she has swore up and down she loves me bringing the issue to if the way she shows love good enough for me and how she forgets it at times leaving me in the cold.

It's not about anything else or any hidden agendas. Helpful advice. The dog piling as Max has mentioned is not helpful.

I appreciate the helpful advice though and understand everyone's logic. It's just that in my situation we have talked and I still have a heart willing to give her a chance because she has not always been this bad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
But the multiple people saying "it's time to end this" would... if he would listen.
I am listening and appreciate the advice. As of right now though we have talked and I am going to see how things go. We actually talked with no arguing and she was extremely understanding although it did break her down that I was so set on cancelling flights.
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Old Today, 03:19 AM
 
29 posts, read 2,044 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
If you are miserable, and you find her consistently nasty and unreasonable: Dump her!

Ten months in a "loving relationship", and now crapola. So, have you learned the lesson: Love is forever, as long as it lasts.
Yes, I have been on the verge of dumping her multiple times. That lesson is very well known to me from past relationships. I do feel like she loves me. It is up to her to show it. If she is incapable then I will full hardheartedly admit I was wrong, but I am a very forgiving person even after being hurt because I believe in humanity.
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Old Today, 03:23 AM
Status: "I don't FEEL tardy." (set 18 days ago)
 
2,070 posts, read 1,003,282 times
Reputation: 5697
What you fail to see is that you HAVEN'T found love. You've found an abusive phone buddy you've only met once who owes you a nice chunk of change.
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