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Old Today, 06:41 AM
 
29 posts, read 2,044 times
Reputation: 20

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
Living with her parents isn't the problem, but what appears to be an extended adolescence in terms of overall behavior (as shared by our O.P.) is and needs to be addressed by someone who's not wearing love's blinders as he is.

Our O.P. has gotten the advice that he needs, I think, even if he has no intentions of heeding it.

My questions for him are these: Do you have an "end date" for when this relationship will no longer be long-distance? Have you discussed what real-time, face-to-face conflict resolution will look like once you're together in the same geographical area? Do you know one another's money management styles and other things that can not be overcome by the force of love and sheer will?
hmm, I wonder who would need to address it.

I have tried to talk to her to many times to count and about "end date", it always gets put off although she seems to ensure me she just wants to focus on us atm and it will indeed happen. Sorta feel neglected on this because this is very important to me.

We have not discussed any real face to face conflict except I would never ever hit her. I'm more likely to walk away as a man should do in my opinion.

Yes, we are very well aware of our financial statuses. Overall in the relationship she wants me to handle the money and really is not in any financial trouble of her own by a long shot. She has expressed she feels I am far more responsible and have more knowledge with money. I know this gives room for people to come at me about the money I gave her, but in that situation i was necessary.

Last edited by WilliamPe; Today at 06:58 AM..
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Old Today, 07:03 AM
 
707 posts, read 219,656 times
Reputation: 1923
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
hmm, I wonder who would need to address it.

I have tried to talk to her to many times to count about and "end date" and it always gets put off although she seems to ensure me she just wants to focus on us atm and it will indeed happen. Sorta feel neglected on this because this is very important to me.

We have not discussed any real face to face conflict except I would never ever hit her. I'm more likely to walk away as a man should do in my opinion.

Yes, we are very well aware of our financial statuses. Overall in the relationship she wants me to handle the money and really is not in any financial trouble of her own by a long shot. She has expressed she feels I am far more responsible and have more knowledge with money. I know this gives room for people to come at me about the money I gave her, but in that situation is was necessary.
I'm not going to come after you about the money other than to say that it was unwise. In future, the best tactic to take when doing this with either a family member, a friend, or a romantic partner is to see the given money as a one-time gift and let it go. Keep in mind, though, the "one time" part lest people become dependent upon your generosity (and make you feel used as a result).

Do not be a "rescuer." From what you've written, she seems like she's rather adept at playing the "damsel in distress." You could get financially hosed in the long run with a person who behaves thusly should you legally bind yourselves to one another.

Tread carefully. You really don't know her nor does she know you--no matter how many conversations you've had over the past ten months and how much you think that you love her. Love does not conquer all--not by a long shot. It can smooth the path for a lot of what life can throw at a person, true, but love alone cannot solve deep differences and deeply ingrained conflicts.

Having once been in a long distance relationship albeit with a person who'd I'd known for nearly twenty years and had once dated briefly in the same locality, good communication skills, regular visits, both partners being fully able to stand on their own feet financially and functionally, and an end date (the timeline of this doesn't need to be set in stone, but the discussion needs to happen once the relationship begins to look like a more permanent situation) are the keys to making it a success.

Not hitting one's partner is a pretty low bar to set when it comes to conflict resolution skills--and that goes for either gender, mind. I was speaking of not hanging up on one another, not belittling one's partner when they express their feelings and concerns. Verbal and emotional abuse are quite real; you don't want her behavior to escalate to that point with your tacit permission given through love and the desire to work things out.

Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; Today at 07:16 AM..
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Old Today, 07:09 AM
 
7,844 posts, read 3,080,335 times
Reputation: 12959
Quote:
Originally Posted by redplum33 View Post
The negative criticism you're receiving is exactly what can salvage your relationship.

From what I've gathered, she's just reacting to your unacceptable behavior.
We’re beginning to sound just like his girlfriend....
It’s a recurring theme.
Everybody has flaws OP, everybody isn’t always going to be loving and kind in all they express to you.
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Old Today, 07:12 AM
 
5,072 posts, read 1,571,448 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
I would never ever hit her. I'm more likely to walk away as a man should do in my opinion.
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Old Today, 07:16 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
44,006 posts, read 42,602,465 times
Reputation: 85083
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post

I'm not really willing to put up with it. That's why I talked to her. and yesss I know it is promises and promises over and over...
Guess I'm just a dummy with a heart. I hope she can come through. She was frantic, very frantic. I was absolutely set on cancelling my flight, but the fact she is so willing to be there for me as she says kind of makes that decision almost impossibly hard for me to make.
It sounds like as long as she keeps apologizing for her bad behavior (which you call “working on it”) you will take her back (which you call “forgiveness”).
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Old Today, 07:19 AM
 
5,633 posts, read 2,447,216 times
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Curious how peeps find us and think "this is the place Im posting this! "?
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Old Today, 07:26 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
37,370 posts, read 46,090,354 times
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Long distance relationships are not easy under the best of circumstances. I think you should be done with this one and find someone where you live. Probably, her parents love you because they are hoping to get rid of her.

You can probably kiss your $1200. goodbye, so don’t waste more money on travel expenses.

This being said, I’d be a bit ticked off if my partner insisted on instructing me how to argue with him.
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Old Today, 07:27 AM
 
707 posts, read 219,656 times
Reputation: 1923
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
hmm, I wonder who would need to address it.

I have tried to talk to her to many times to count and about "end date", it always gets put off although she seems to ensure me she just wants to focus on us atm and it will indeed happen. Sorta feel neglected on this because this is very important to me.

We have not discussed any real face to face conflict except I would never ever hit her. I'm more likely to walk away as a man should do in my opinion.

Yes, we are very well aware of our financial statuses. Overall in the relationship she wants me to handle the money and really is not in any financial trouble of her own by a long shot. She has expressed she feels I am far more responsible and have more knowledge with money. I know this gives room for people to come at me about the money I gave her, but in that situation i was necessary.
Her behaviors likely existed long before you met (I'm guessing) online. The only person who can properly address them is she herself.

However, if your girlfriend does not see her behavior towards you as a problem, you're going to have to up your tolerance level of her behavior or cut your losses and move on to someone who is less abrasive and/or more similar to you in terms of communication styles.
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Old Today, 07:49 AM
 
29 posts, read 2,044 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
I'm not going to come after you about the money other than to say that it was unwise. In future, the best tactic to take when doing this with either a family member, a friend, or a romantic partner is to see the given money as a one-time gift and let it go. Keep in mind, though, the "one time" part lest people become dependent upon your generosity (and make you feel used as a result).

Do not be a "rescuer." From what you've written, she seems like she's rather adept at playing the "damsel in distress." You could get financially hosed in the long run with a person who behaves thusly should you legally bind yourselves to one another.

Tread carefully. You really don't know her nor does she know you--no matter how many conversations you've had over the past ten months and how much you think that you love her. Love does not conquer all--not by a long shot. It can smooth the path for a lot of what life can throw at a person, true, but love alone cannot solve deep differences and deeply ingrained conflicts.

Having once been in a long distance relationship albeit with a person who'd I'd known for nearly twenty years and had once dated briefly in the same locality, good communication skills, regular visits, both partners being fully able to stand on their own feet financially and functionally, and an end date (the timeline of this doesn't need to be set in stone, but the discussion needs to happen once the relationship begins to look like a more permanent situation) are the keys to making it a success.

Not hitting one's partner is a pretty low bar to set when it comes to conflict resolution skills--and that goes for either gender, mind. I was speaking of not hanging up on one another, not belittling one's partner when they express their feelings and concerns. Verbal and emotional abuse are quite real; you don't want her behavior to escalate to that point with your tacit permission given through love and the desire to work things out.
I feel the same about and "End Date" is something I know we HAVE to discuss if we want to take it further.

Sorry I misunderstood what you were saying. Yeah, being physically abusive, female and/or male is unacceptable and isn't really something I think we will have to worry about. The verbal and emotional abuse comes in when I learn to trust her with my emotions, that is abused and then it keeps repeating itself. The belittlement is something I have seen here as well as the hanging up. Taking each other's feelings seriously is of real importance to me.

It is my desire to and hope in her that has motivated me to talk with her instead of running somewhere and hiding in a corner.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
It sounds like as long as she keeps apologizing for her bad behavior (which you call “working on it”) you will take her back (which you call “forgiveness”).
I'll take your advice and let her know that it is not stuff that can be repeated over and over. I just hope she understands.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
Long distance relationships are not easy under the best of circumstances. I think you should be done with this one and find someone where you live. Probably, her parents love you because they are hoping to get rid of her.

You can probably kiss your $1200. goodbye, so don’t waste more money on travel expenses.

This being said, I’d be a bit ticked off if my partner insisted on instructing me how to argue with him.
It has mostly been a notion of carelessness that sparks the grief between us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
Her behaviors likely existed long before you met (I'm guessing) online. The only person who can properly address them is she herself.

However, if your girlfriend does not see her behavior towards you as a problem, you're going to have to up your tolerance level of her behavior or cut your losses and move on to someone who is less abrasive and/or more similar to you in terms of communication styles.
I asked her about her former boyfriends and that maybe this is something that keeps repeating itself and how that maybe that's why all her past relationships always get messed over. She never denied it and suggested that maybe if it is like that then it was not meant for her to ever be in a relationship.

She has admitted that she sees it as a problem, but it is mostly about her willingness to stop her old cycles of carelessness. I have deeply considered cut your losses and move on to someone who is less abrasive and/or more similar to you in terms of communication styles at times because of a dream of having that when it is the most worst. We have talked about minor things before and always work through them and in these circumstances I am hoping for that very thing with her.
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Old Today, 07:55 AM
 
707 posts, read 219,656 times
Reputation: 1923
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
I feel the same about and "End Date" is something I know we HAVE to discuss if we want to take it further.

Sorry I misunderstood what you were saying. Yeah, being physically abusive, female and/or male is unacceptable and isn't really something I think we will have to worry about. The verbal and emotional abuse comes in when I learn to trust her with my emotions, that is abused and then it keeps repeating itself. The belittlement is something I have seen here as well as the hanging up. Taking each other's feelings seriously is of real importance to me.

It is my desire to and hope in her that has motivated me to talk with her instead of running somewhere and hiding in a corner.



I'll take your advice and let her know that it is not stuff that can be repeated over and over. I just hope she understands.



It has mostly been a notion of carelessness that sparks the grief between us.



I asked her about her former boyfriends and that maybe this is something that keeps repeating itself and how that maybe that's why all her past relationships always get messed over. She never denied it and suggested that maybe if it is like that then it was not meant for her to ever be in a relationship.

She has admitted that she sees it as a problem, but it is mostly about her willingness to stop her old cycles of carelessness. I have deeply considered cut your losses and move on to someone who is less abrasive and/or more similar to you in terms of communication styles at times because of a dream of having that when it is the most worst. We have talked about minor things before and always work through them and in these circumstances I am hoping for that very thing with her.

What do you mean by "carelessness?" Financial carelessness? Careless behavior? Taking people who are in her life for granted?

Keeping in mind all that we here on this forum have is your side of things, it seems to me, at least, that she's rather adept at playing the victim to a degree. That is, wanting you to handle money management because you're more responsible, that her behavior in past failed relationships mean that she isn't meant to be in a relationship--basically deliberately tearing herself down a bit so that you can build her back up again used as a manipulation tactic.

When people show you who they are, believe them and either accept them for who they are or move on. Grown humans cannot be guided into who you hope that they will one day become.

Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; Today at 08:03 AM..
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