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Old Today, 07:56 AM
 
12 posts
Reputation: 15

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So I am in a loving relationship "not sure if I can really call it that now" with a girl for over 10 months now going on 11. We started out really well and have been with a few minor issues until recent weeks. These issues have begun to get worse and worse.

It seems when I try to talk to her she doesn't want to listen and/or turns it into an issue about it being about me when in fact I have come to her expressing my feelings. It then turns into this thing where she wants to play tit for tat, something I feel is a destructive behavior that I have talked to her about as well. She just tells me things "Well that's how I am and you knew that since the beginning. Don't come at me!" When indeed it is has not been me coming at her to begin with, but it is her thinking/feeling like I am although I am trying to talk to her in the most loving way possible. She'll then hang up on me out of no where "Something I have no tolerance for and really is rude in my opinion." She's been doing this for months although I have expressed my feelings about it. So I am always left with the feeling she is not respecting my feelings on it and things just go on into the next day because nothing ever got resolved. She'll come back the next day and apologize and tell me how much she loves me but then history repeats itself.

On other small things as I have said, it is a matter of her repeating things and apologizing, repeating the cycle over and over. Well back to the beginning where I mentioned "minor issues until recent weeks", some of these things have lead to more significant issues after trying to talk to her. One of which is an absence of feelings about little small things that matter in a relationship.
When I tried to talk to her, things began to go south and south really fast because in my heart it began to become really harmful when I saw how careless she began to show she was. She began to come at me with insults and laughing/making jokes about things calling them funny. Again, this goes back as I said before when things were minor but now getting worse, respect. Don't get me wrong. I have always respected her feelings and been there for her every inch of the way. It was her absence of feelings or what I would call love that I was having trouble with.

Things got kind of bad between us over it because she went on her spree of lashing back at me even when I was telling her that was not the right way to handle things. It seems all she understands is to become destructive and fight when I tell her that it feels bad that she is not being so caring and showing love the way she says she has it. To me, a person can say they love another person all they want, but that is shown by what that person does and says. In this case there was a great absence of love for no apparent reasons besides her logic.

So the weeks have gone by and things have gotten worse about her showing an absence of compassion, love, and stuff that matters most. She tells me she loves me with all her heart etc but it is getting really hard for me to believe it with how she acts towards me now. She has began to call me needy, regularly tells me to shutup, and constantly complains about how I feel about things. Not going to lie, this has been very harmful, she doesn't seem to care, and it's been tipping me over the edge. I got angry with her the other night because of her instinct to fight with me and told her that she didn't care about us and that's all she knew how to do was destroy things. After trying to rationalize with her over and over it has started leaving be in a state of pain because deep down it is breaking my heart and I see where this is going with us. She doesn't realize it and/or she doesn't care. It seems she loves to be stubborn and cold more than she she loves me if she loves me at all like she says.

So last night things got even worse. She began complaining and insulting me as she has been calling me needy and complaining about me. I called her a cold hearted ***** out of pain, something I never thought would do. I told her that "If showing love was to much of a need and my needs was to much for her then she should leave me. Am I to much for you!?" She said no, but then continued to put me down complaining and completely act cold about things as she has been acting. I apologized for calling her a ***** and explained to her that she needs to let love control what she does instead of coming at me like that. After all was said and done she kept finding excuses for it and told me to "man up and grow some balls. You are to sensitive." I explained to her that she was basically asking me to not care and that is was not okay to keep putting me down. Her response was "...and!? Grow a ******* d***!" After that she told me she loved me again, but all of this has left me a very broken person who doesn't know what to do. I want things to be okay, but this is going really far and in my heart it is not making me feel good at all.

I feel 100% she isn't cheating or anything else. It is just her logic not meeting with mine and her being able to see eye to eye about how love works.
What do you guys think I should do?

Last edited by WilliamPe; Today at 09:10 AM..
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Old Today, 08:05 AM
 
10,779 posts, read 4,353,111 times
Reputation: 27164
This is a very long post, with zero specifics, William.

What is it, specifically, that you're complaining about with her when she becomes defensive and doesn't respond respectfully?

Can you be specific?

"It bothers me that you don't return my texts promptly"

"You shouldn't eat that - it's fatty"

"You don't pick up after yourself"

Specific, like that.
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Old Today, 08:14 AM
 
1,098 posts, read 305,957 times
Reputation: 3057
If you are not happy with her, if things are changing for the worse, then it sounds like this relationship was not meant to be.

The two of you do not communicate well (she wants to fight, you want to criticize her, now it has devolved into name-calling {very immature}), you don't feel that the way she expresses love works for you (people are different-- not even necessarily "right" and "wrong," just different-- and you can't change someone else {which she has kind of been telling you}), and you feel that "her logic [does not] meet with [yours]" and you don't "see eye to eye about how love works."

I can't imagine why either of you is still in this relationship; you're clearly both miserable and starting to resent each other. Let it go. You've been together 10 months, not 10 years. There's absolutely no reason to try to "save" anything. Accept that the two of you simply aren't compatible and move on.
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Old Today, 08:15 AM
 
12 posts
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
This is a very long post, with zero specifics, William.

What is it, specifically, that you're complaining about with her when she becomes defensive and doesn't respond respectfully?

Can you be specific?

"It bothers me that you don't return my texts promptly"

"You shouldn't eat that - it's fatty"

"You don't pick up after yourself"

Specific, like that.
Well I don't want to get way to specific as the post would become much much longer, but I will say this much...

We are in a long distance relationship and have been with each other in person. I have met her parents. They love me to death.

Sometimes when we are talking, she will suddenly cut our conversation off because her parents are in the room. So with this came the issue that I never brought up to her one day of having privacy. When I asked why wouldn't she go somewhere quiet to talk to me instead of cutting our conversations off it became a problem and to far out her way to do. That in turn left me feeling like she would not go out her way for me and our privacy being a low priority for her. This is where her jokes came into play.

There are other things she has shown where she refuses to go out her way for me that stack with this, but in this particular situation things became rather bad when I began to ask her about her love and why doesn't it motivate her to do things.
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Old Today, 08:19 AM
 
12 posts
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
If you are not happy with her, if things are changing for the worse, then it sounds like this relationship was not meant to be.

The two of you do not communicate well (she wants to fight, you want to criticize her, now it has devolved into name-calling {very immature}), you don't feel that the way she expresses love works for you (people are different-- not even necessarily "right" and "wrong," just different-- and you can't change someone else {which she has kind of been telling you}), and you feel that "her logic [does not] meet with [yours]" and you don't "see eye to eye about how love works."

I can't imagine why either of you is still in this relationship; you're clearly both miserable and starting to resent each other. Let it go. You've been together 10 months, not 10 years. There's absolutely no reason to try to "save" anything. Accept that the two of you simply aren't compatible and move on.
Although hard to admit, I have been realizing this the past month and agree with what you are saying. I've been completely reasonable/calm with her but it never goes well because well as I have told her, we are not seeing eye to eye...

Deep down I want it to work but that is looking way less likely unless she begins to show more compassion.

Edit: She does not want things to end with us at all, but the lack of compassion on her part is not making me feel well.
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Old Today, 08:40 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,993 posts, read 42,583,784 times
Reputation: 85040
This is a waste of your time and actually harmful to your emotional and mental health.

For some reason, because it's still very difficult to tell since you don't provide specific descriptions of the context of these arguments, you allow yourself to live as a doormat for her outbursts.

The minute someone hung up on me and told me to grow a pair, I'd be done. There's no "I love you" that will cover that. Yet you volunteered for more and more ... for someone who doesn't even live where you live.

How old are you?

Is this your first relationship?

I would tell her that after much thought you need to end things because time and actions have shown that you don't believe the two of you are capable of being in a respectful, loving relationship. The two of you just don't work together, and it's time to end it.

Do it today.
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Old Today, 08:40 AM
 
10,779 posts, read 4,353,111 times
Reputation: 27164
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamPe View Post
Well I don't want to get way to specific as the post would become much much longer, but I will say this much...

We are in a long distance relationship and have been with each other in person. I have met her parents. They love me to death.

Sometimes when we are talking, she will suddenly cut our conversation off because her parents are in the room. So with this came the issue that I never brought up to her one day of having privacy. When I asked why wouldn't she go somewhere quiet to talk to me instead of cutting our conversations off it became a problem and to far out her way to do. That in turn left me feeling like she would not go out her way for me and our privacy being a low priority for her. This is where her jokes came into play.

There are other things she has shown where she refuses to go out her way for me that stack with this, but in this particular situation things became rather bad when I began to ask her about her love and why doesn't it motivate her to do things.
So although you've met in person, your relationship is strictly over the phone at this point?

It sounds like she's not into long phone conversations, and is making excuses to end them after a reasonable length of time on the phone.

Do you have any plans to make this an in person relationship, besides the time you met?

And lastly, are you adults?
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Old Today, 08:42 AM
 
Location: San Antonio/Houston/Tricity
38,634 posts, read 56,482,866 times
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It's time to say "goodbye".
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Old Today, 08:56 AM
 
12 posts
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
This is a waste of your time and actually harmful to your emotional and mental health.

For some reason, because it's still very difficult to tell since you don't provide specific descriptions of the context of these arguments, you allow yourself to live as a doormat for her outbursts.

The minute someone hung up on me and told me to grow a pair, I'd be done. There's no "I love you" that will cover that. Yet you volunteered for more and more ... for someone who doesn't even live where you live.

How old are you?

Is this your first relationship?

I would tell her that after much thought you need to end things because time and actions have shown that you don't believe the two of you are capable of being in a respectful, loving relationship. The two of you just don't work together, and it's time to end it.

Do it today.
I agree, emotionally it is very harmful to me. It is only leaving me feeling heartbroken all the time now.

The first times she hung up on me naturally I felt it was pretty over the top but I have kept going because I have loved her. When she decides to fight instead of reason things with me, is the destructive part and where the doormat comes into play. Never makes me feel good and I always answer the phone for her after she abuses things.

I am 31 about to be 32 September 8th.

This is my 3rd serious relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
So although you've met in person, your relationship is strictly over the phone at this point?

It sounds like she's not into long phone conversations, and is making excuses to end them after a reasonable length of time on the phone.

Do you have any plans to make this an in person relationship, besides the time you met?

And lastly, are you adults?
At this very moment things are strictly over the phone and video. I am supposed to take a flight up to where she lives Wednesday for 9 days and she is supposed to come back with me for a week. It will be the second time we would be together in person.

She is very very into long phone conversations and will rudely hang up on me. She will then call me back some minutes later acting as if nothing happened. When I tell her that is rude and not reasonable instead of talking to me, she says things like "Okay, whatever you want master." I then say " No, I'm not your master. Stop doing that with me and just talk to me instead of cutting things off." Literally things we have said. Some minutes later she is snapping at me and hanging up on me again. This ruins my mood and makes me feel like she doesn't respect me.

We have had plans for a while to be together longer than just visits. Talking about an actual move or any plans is something she just keeps putting off though and at the same time she wants to be together with me forever.

I am 31 going on 32 September 8th and she just turned 38.
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Old Today, 09:05 AM
 
335 posts, read 215,350 times
Reputation: 434
None of this sounds awesome... and when I say "none", I mean it.


I think I'd be looking for greener pastures if I were in your position. Any one of the things she's said to you should be firing offenses, IMO.
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