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Old Today, 10:57 AM
 
Location: Southern California
5,629 posts, read 8,262,713 times
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Didn't read through this thread yet, just your OP. I think you have very LEGIT reason to feel this way because MANY men DO cheat & go for younger women, so it's almost uncommon/unique/refreshing to see otherwise. I truly believe more men do these things than don't, so when you feel that way, it's tough.

I don't easily trust guys because I know a TON of them cheat out there, etc., so it's hard to think otherwise. Now I've never been cheated on as far as I know & no BF of mine dumped me for a younger gal, so it doesn't have to actually happen to someone for them to still think the way you do.

All I can say is to NOT expect that it will happen or accuse your SO (significant other) of doing it, but all you can do is be alert, observant, & watch out for red flags for cheating. Ask him some questions, but don't interrogate him if you have suspicions because once a guy thinks that you don't trust him, he may hold that over your head. When you first meet men, gradually let them know what you won't put up with. If they don't like it, they can leave.

And when you find out he DID do it, definitely dump him fast. Don't linger around, cry & beg & all that nonsense & from the way you are, you probably aren't the weak ninny type to do that.
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Old Today, 11:16 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,406 posts, read 330,602 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue View Post
Didn't read through this thread yet, just your OP. I think you have very LEGIT reason to feel this way because MANY men DO cheat & go for younger women, so it's almost uncommon/unique/refreshing to see otherwise. I truly believe more men do these things than don't, so when you feel that way, it's tough.

I don't easily trust guys because I know a TON of them cheat out there, etc., so it's hard to think otherwise. Now I've never been cheated on as far as I know & no BF of mine dumped me for a younger gal, so it doesn't have to actually happen to someone for them to still think the way you do.

All I can say is to NOT expect that it will happen or accuse your SO (significant other) of doing it, but all you can do is be alert, observant, & watch out for red flags for cheating. Ask him some questions, but don't interrogate him if you have suspicions because once a guy thinks that you don't trust him, he may hold that over your head. When you first meet men, gradually let them know what you won't put up with. If they don't like it, they can leave.

And when you find out he DID do it, definitely dump him fast. Don't linger around, cry & beg & all that nonsense & from the way you are, you probably aren't the weak ninny type to do that.
There is really no "legit" reason to believe all...or most...men do................it's self esteem & thinking you aren't good enough or you don't measure up ...or you are with a man you shouldn't be with in the 1st place...........

If your relationship is good......a man isn't going to cheat............IMO. All you an do is put time & energy into the relationship....instead of putting into thinking about how a man will cheat......
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Old Today, 11:25 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,264 posts, read 7,503,633 times
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I believe that you are right to be wary and careful, OP. No, of course not all men..."not all men!"...#notallmen... Yes, we know! But there are enough out there who DO have desire towards teenage girls, don't tell me that isn't a thing, because it IS. I've said many times, I had men making lewd comments and sexualizing me more from age 12-17 than I ever did as an adult. And I did not change very much in appearance, either, gain weight or anything that would make men more into me before. The only explanation I can think of, is that I was out walking around by myself more, and I may have looked vulnerable.

So yes. Yes, yes, and yes. There are men in the world who will be into your daughter, and you do have an obligation to be careful. But y'know what? There are other reasons that make it wise to take your time with a guy you're dating, and get to know him a while, before getting too serious or letting him meet your kid. (I had sons, and I still was wary, just not for precisely this reason.) Having a slow roll in dating gives more time for people to bond and learn trust and form attachment so that one is not chasing after an apathetic other. And giving yourself time means you'll know that your "picker" is recalibrated following a bad former relationship. Heal your own mind and heart...that takes time. And then there is the very important factor that it's not good for your kid to meet a guy you just started dating, and then it doesn't work out, and SHE has to also grieve the end of your relationship because she might have liked him or thought he could be a future part of your family. I wanted to make very, very sure that anyone I was seeing was gonna be around a while, before my kids met them. So even without this aspect...keeping them out of your daughter's life for a while, is a good idea!

One thing I can tell you that in my opinion sometimes helps...though this isn't absolute, and it might not be correct across the board... Men who have been around for the upbringing of others, who had sisters or daughters themselves, and/or who had age appropriate female partners throughout their lives, would feel like safer options to me.

I can tell you right now, if I had a teenager daughter, not sons, I would not be with the man I love and am engaged to, now. I know this is gonna sound harsh, even a terrible thing to say about him. But he does find teenage girls (the "barely legal" types) attractive, and I know it. While he's a good person and probably would and could exercise self control if it came to that...I just wouldn't even want to be with a man who might have even thoughts about my teen daughter. That would squick me out and freak me out. But in this situation, with no daughter in the picture...I can deal. I know that he does find me very attractive. I don't believe I have competition in younger women, truly, no matter that he might look and have his fantasies and such. But what matters and the reason that I am even saying this is...he's an odd case. No siblings, no kids, and barely any experience with women at all in his life before me. So he didn't have these various frames of reference to align himself against throughout his life, if that makes sense? And I do think that is part of why at 60, he still thinks it's just fine to have a crush on the 18-20 year old cute girls we know, and I don't really think that a man can flip a switch for "legal/not legal" in terms of noticing, looking, and feeling attraction...there just isn't a ton of difference in the looks of a 16 year old to an 18 year old.
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Old Today, 11:48 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,406 posts, read 330,602 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
I believe that you are right to be wary and careful, OP. No, of course not all men..."not all men!"...#notallmen... Yes, we know! But there are enough out there who DO have desire towards teenage girls, don't tell me that isn't a thing, because it IS. I've said many times, I had men making lewd comments and sexualizing me more from age 12-17 than I ever did as an adult.
It's awful what you experienced as a teen....BUT where were your parents & how were you having contact with "men" at that age? My parents always warned me about internet use.......& gave me rules about it........

Pedophiles are real but that's so different than men cheating or the O.P. being jealous....
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Old Today, 11:56 AM
 
Location: Southern California
5,629 posts, read 8,262,713 times
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I totally agree w/ Sonic_Spork! Now nothing like that has happened to me, but there are a lot of men out there who prey on single mothers so they can have access to their kids for their OWN devious, lewd fantasies.

It's the same way I always wondered why some men's careers are a teacher...the younger the grade, the more concerning. They could be a pedophile...maybe, maybe not, but it looks odd to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
There is really no "legit" reason to believe all...or most...men do................it's self-esteem & thinking you aren't good enough or you don't measure up ...or you are with a man you shouldn't be with in the 1st place...........
I totally disagree. Why is it the other person's fault for thinking this way? I guess some ladies out there are insecure, so they think this way, but not always & surely I don't think this way myself either.

A person can be the most secure person on earth or think she's the finest thing on 2 feet, but that won't stop her man from cheating on her. The 2 have nothing to do w/ the other. If a man is the cheating type, he'll cheat no matter what.
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Old Today, 11:57 AM
 
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Youíre right- I shouldnít be lumping all men into the category of cheaters. Women cheat as well- but I do not. I share custody with my ex- I do my best to keep my opinions to myself. I do realize she learns from my actions too though. I am praying therapy works. I have had beliefs that nothing can help me. I do need to keep an open mind though and believe that I can change. I actually ended it with the last person I dated because of my jealousy. I was straight with them and said I wasnít going to put them through that. I dated someone a little bit older so I thought it might have helped me to not be jealous. Thoughts can be so irrational.
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Old Today, 11:59 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,406 posts, read 330,602 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue View Post
I totally agree w/ Sonic_Spork! Now nothing like that has happened to me, but there are a lot of men out there who prey on single mothers so they can have access to their kids for their OWN devious, lewd fantasies.

It's the same way I always wondered why some men's careers are a teacher...the younger the grade, the more concerning. They could be a pedophile...maybe, maybe not, but it looks odd to me.
Times like this that make me so happy I'm not a mom & that I'm in a stable relationship.....scary stuff.
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Old Today, 12:02 PM
 
Location: Southern California
5,629 posts, read 8,262,713 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
Times like this that make me so happy I'm not a mom & that I'm in a stable relationship.....scary stuff.
Yep, I'm in one too & I don't have kids either! But I don't have to have personally experience something to know that things like that happen out there like this.

Not saying YOURs is, but my head is definitely not in the sand thinking, "everyone's kind, everyone's good, I'm good, so it's all good."
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Old Today, 12:06 PM
 
9 posts, read 322 times
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I appreciate your comment- and that you can relate to my fears about introducing someone to my daughter. I can’t fight men’s biology and this is what I’ve been doing. I wish there was an off switch that when I started dating they wouldn’t find anyone else attractive. I realize this is a weird and crazy thought process. Why should I be threatened by my SO finding someone attractive. Great point about men not necessarily being able to flip a switch between legal/non legal. Pretty is pretty! Overall, I’m embarrassed for having these thoughts- they do nothing to contribute positively to the world. All of your comments have been great though- honest and direct.
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Old Today, 12:09 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
44,018 posts, read 42,602,465 times
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Originally Posted by Singlemom001 View Post
I appreciate your comment- and that you can relate to my fears about introducing someone to my daughter. I canít fight menís biology and this is what Iíve been doing. I wish there was an off switch that when I started dating they wouldnít find anyone else attractive. I realize this is a weird and crazy thought process. Why should I be threatened by my SO finding someone attractive. Great point about men not necessarily being able to flip a switch between legal/non legal. Pretty is pretty! Overall, Iím embarrassed for having these thoughts- they do nothing to contribute positively to the world. All of your comments have been great though- honest and direct.
I feel for you, and I can't help but wonder if this is a mess of anxiety about dating compounded by all your anxieties about being a parent of a teenage girl. I mean, one of those is enough of a test for any rational adult.

Maybe you should take a break from dating while your daughter is in the house and work on therapy for your anxiety so you can be the best mom you can be while you have her under your roof.

Then when she starts college or goes out on her own, you will be in a better mental and emotional place for a romantic relationship and you hopefully won't have the same fears about introducing a man to your child.
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