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Old Yesterday, 12:16 PM
 
15 posts, read 1,201 times
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SonicSpork- thanks for sharing your experiences. That must have been difficult for you. Thank goodness regarding my kids school career that Ive never had any problems with teachers. All have been very professional and What I believe to have genuine hearts for teaching.
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Old Yesterday, 12:26 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,419 posts, read 332,798 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue View Post

I totally disagree. Why is it the other person's fault for thinking this way? I guess some ladies out there are insecure, so they think this way, but not always & surely I don't think this way myself either.

A person can be the most secure person on earth or think she's the finest thing on 2 feet, but that won't stop her man from cheating on her. The 2 have nothing to do w/ the other. If a man is the cheating type, he'll cheat no matter what.
Lots of insecure women think this way....& insecure men can think we will cheat too.
But it's not what we think that is gonna matter......it's whether we are in a healthy relationship that both people are happy. Are we secure....& giving what we can to it ....or are we insecure & thinking at every turn he is gonna cheat? You bring about your own fate because what male ...or female...will put up with this constantly? If you constantly fear or worry about it instead of just spending time devoting to the relationship...& to yourself... to make it better every day.........& make each other happy.........then he isn't gonna go anywhere.........
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Old Yesterday, 01:00 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,269 posts, read 7,507,917 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
It's awful what you experienced as a teen....BUT where were your parents & how were you having contact with "men" at that age? My parents always warned me about internet use.......& gave me rules about it........

Pedophiles are real but that's so different than men cheating or the O.P. being jealous....
I was a teenager of the 90's, so it wasn't on the internet. I mean I was walking around, riding the metro of Northern Virginia to various places I wanted to go, wandering the world as young people used to do with no adults necessarily shadowing them, and I'd have construction workers and random guys making lewd comments and gestures. I also have a memory of being 12 years old and my Mom making the stupid choice to take me to a New Years' Eve party that her coworkers were having at a house, and at midnight, a man who was at least in his 30s and reminded me of my father (balding, glasses) cornered me against a wall and imposed a deep kiss and grind on me. "For luck!" I sought out my Mom, crying, and insisted we leave. In the car, I told her what had happened and how gross it was, because he looked like my Dad, and she thought it was hilarious. She still thinks it was funny, and mocks me for being so upset. "It was only a kiss, jeez." Well.

As a very sexual, aggressive, and promiscuous teen later, around 15-16, I seduced adult men deliberately sometimes. One was the manager of a pizza place in the mall. I didn't really care for him, but I enjoyed getting free pizza for me and my friends (several of whom were high school boys who were FWB to me)... I eventually dumped him, because he was getting annoying, trying to make more of the "relationship" than what it was. I remember him crying on my doorstep when I refused to accept a huge bouquet and let him back into my life. That was the real trouble with the older ones. They just would not go away when I wanted them to! Otherwise, as I was very sexually active at that point, just having them tumble in and out of my bed (luckily I caught no diseases and was on BC pills, and tested frequently)...really didn't seem like a big deal to me.

Where were my parents? My Dad was rebuilding his life post-divorce in another town. My Mom was not a strong enough personality to handle me, or stop me from doing anything I wanted, and didn't (still doesn't) have the keenest sense of right and wrong anyways. I was more of an adult than she was, and I still am. But I survived it all just fine, and my life is pretty great now, so c'est la vie. Water under bridges and all that jazz.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue View Post
I totally agree w/ Sonic_Spork! Now nothing like that has happened to me, but there are a lot of men out there who prey on single mothers so they can have access to their kids for their OWN devious, lewd fantasies.

It's the same way I always wondered why some men's careers are a teacher...the younger the grade, the more concerning. They could be a pedophile...maybe, maybe not, but it looks odd to me.

I totally disagree. Why is it the other person's fault for thinking this way? I guess some ladies out there are insecure, so they think this way, but not always & surely I don't think this way myself either.

A person can be the most secure person on earth or think she's the finest thing on 2 feet, but that won't stop her man from cheating on her. The 2 have nothing to do w/ the other. If a man is the cheating type, he'll cheat no matter what.
See, this makes me sad. Because I've known hundreds of wonderful men that I'm sure either have no interest in underage girls, or else would never act on it. I certainly would not go around being suspicious of men who teach kids in school. Somebody's gotta do it. I sure as hell wouldn't. I don't care for other people's kids very much, to be honest.

The problem is... 90% or more of men might be wonderful, and totally ethical and on the up and up. Hearts of purest gold. But the other 10% would still exist, and they don't wear a sign. We cannot truly know who they are. And that's what sucks. I can't let whatever smallish percentage of them, who would do bad things, color my opinions towards all...

But a parent must be wary. The odds of something bad happening can be small, yet we must still guard against the possibility. A car crash won't happen, in any of the thousand outings, commutes, and errands you run, for years, decades maybe, and yet we still wear our seat belts. And it is in THAT spirit that I say...be careful. Take your time.

As for cheating...sooner or later, you will have to find a way to trust. Because as you know, without that, the vulnerability required for real intimacy cannot happen. If you don't feel safe, you don't give a relationship the energy it takes to make it healthy and positive for everyone in it. But I tell you something... My fiance does look at other women, sure. But he doesn't look at anyone, the way he looks at me. I cannot explain it. It's an energy that goes right into the heart. But when you see it, and you feel it...you just know. And when you've got that... I mean, we had a minor breach of trust (I won't discuss the nature of it, it's beyond the scope and could derail the thread) of our own rules once, on his part, but it was easy...so easy...to forgive, to talk it through, to move on from it. Because I always knew, I'm the one he wants to be with. I'm the one that he loves. There isn't a threat to US. And even a bit of emotional turbulence is not gonna be enough to crash this flight.
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Old Yesterday, 01:08 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,190 posts, read 13,050,883 times
Reputation: 31697
Having been in the dating world for the past years I have to agree - almost everyone is cheating or is trying to cheat. Most guys are still too cozy with an ex. Drool over and contact people on social media to have an online affair and alot of older people refuse to date their own age because "everyone else at my age is already fat and ugly."



It is really, really difficult to find a good person nowadays. I hear this complaint from women AND men.
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Old Yesterday, 01:24 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,419 posts, read 332,798 times
Reputation: 1237
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
I was a teenager of the 90's, so it wasn't on the internet. I mean I was walking around, riding the metro of Northern Virginia to various places I wanted to go, wandering the world as young people used to do with no adults necessarily shadowing them, and I'd have construction workers and random guys making lewd comments and gestures. I also have a memory of being 12 years old and my Mom making the stupid choice to take me to a New Years' Eve party that her coworkers were having at a house, and at midnight, a man who was at least in his 30s and reminded me of my father (balding, glasses) cornered me against a wall and imposed a deep kiss and grind on me. "For luck!" I sought out my Mom, crying, and insisted we leave. In the car, I told her what had happened and how gross it was, because he looked like my Dad, and she thought it was hilarious. She still thinks it was funny, and mocks me for being so upset. "It was only a kiss, jeez." Well.

As a very sexual, aggressive, and promiscuous teen later, around 15-16, I seduced adult men deliberately sometimes. One was the manager of a pizza place in the mall. I didn't really care for him, but I enjoyed getting free pizza for me and my friends (several of whom were high school boys who were FWB to me)... I eventually dumped him, because he was getting annoying, trying to make more of the "relationship" than what it was. I remember him crying on my doorstep when I refused to accept a huge bouquet and let him back into my life. That was the real trouble with the older ones. They just would not go away when I wanted them to! Otherwise, as I was very sexually active at that point, just having them tumble in and out of my bed (luckily I caught no diseases and was on BC pills, and tested frequently)...really didn't seem like a big deal to me.

Where were my parents? My Dad was rebuilding his life post-divorce in another town. My Mom was not a strong enough personality to handle me, or stop me from doing anything I wanted, and didn't (still doesn't) have the keenest sense of right and wrong anyways. I was more of an adult than she was, and I still am. But I survived it all just fine, and my life is pretty great now, so c'est la vie. Water under bridges and all that jazz.


This is really sad....sorry....but I don't think it has much to do with the O.P. & her obsessive fear that all men cheat or that all men are pedophiles.....

My sexuality developed like most teen girls tho......dating & crushes & exploring stuff with teen guys our age & not with "men"...........even in college. My friend was dating a senior guy when we were sophomores in high school & that was about the most of what we thought an ..."older man"
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Old Yesterday, 01:29 PM
 
11,918 posts, read 2,954,363 times
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The best way to eliminate any negative beliefs is via the Lefkoe Method. It's short term and very effective alternative therapy. I know from experience. I wasted many years and a lot of money on conventional therapy. If there isn't a Lefkoe facilitator near you, they also work over the phone and it's just as effective. Therapy is talking, after all.

Here is a video of the widow of the originator of The Lefkoe Method talking about beliefs in relation to workaholics but it applies generally to most people.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_83zJBigRmM
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Old Yesterday, 01:36 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,269 posts, read 7,507,917 times
Reputation: 22029
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
This is really sad....sorry....but I don't think it has much to do with the O.P. & her obsessive fear that all men cheat or that all men are pedophiles.....

My sexuality developed like most teen girls tho......dating & crushes & exploring stuff with teen guys our age & not with "men"...........even in college. My friend was dating a senior guy when we were sophomores in high school & that was about the most of what we thought an ..."older man"
My experiences only matter in context to the fact that there ARE grown men who will see a teenage girl as sexually interesting. I would not have gone into all that detail, except you asked questions...so, I had answers. Men who are attracted to teenage girls exist.

And one need not have an obsessive fear, to have a crippling concern, or a struggle to trust. Also, I don't recall if we were told, but how long has it been since the last relationship ended for OP? Sometimes, seriously, ya just need some time to heal. Find your footing in life. Reset yourself.

Frankly I think she sounds pretty self aware. Which is good. It means that in time, once the hurt heals and fades somewhat, if intrusive thoughts creep in, possibly triggered trauma from the past, she can recognize that, and try to sit with it, work herself through it, and not necessarily have it wreck otherwise good relationships. But for someone with trust issues, perhaps, it could be even more important, to just take things slow for a while.

I have done more personal growth in the last 4+ years since my ex and I broke up, than I did for the 20 years before it, I am pretty sure. I encountered plenty of emotional struggles of various kinds. Something I learned to do, was when my head and my heart weren't in agreement, and I felt like my feelings were not rational, were not as I wished them to be...I would take no action, but sit and contemplate them. Ask myself, "When have I felt this way before? What was the first time in my life, where I can remember feeling this way?" I think that we all have hidden triggers to make us feel this or that...and it can be very empowering to own them and use them to learn about ourselves.
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Old Yesterday, 01:37 PM
 
13,135 posts, read 10,140,192 times
Reputation: 16639
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
I was a teenager of the 90's, so it wasn't on the internet. I mean I was walking around, riding the metro of Northern Virginia to various places I wanted to go, wandering the world as young people used to do with no adults necessarily shadowing them, and I'd have construction workers and random guys making lewd comments and gestures.
There is a sense Out There that this sort of thing only happened in the bad old days. Being a bad Mom, I let my kid leave the house in our nice NE neighborhood. Walking home from the fair last night she was accosted by a bunch of rowdy guys asking her to go home with them and whatnot. As they approached her aggressively, she fell backward and hit her head on the curb. Taser did not work. Luckily just bringing out the taser shook them up. Yah kid needs taser to walk home from the freaking county fair.
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Old Yesterday, 01:46 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,419 posts, read 332,798 times
Reputation: 1237
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
My experiences only matter in context to the fact that there ARE grown men who will see a teenage girl as sexually interesting. I would not have gone into all that detail, except you asked questions...so, I had answers. Men who are attracted to teenage girls exist.

And one need not have an obsessive fear, to have a crippling concern, or a struggle to trust. Also, I don't recall if we were told, but how long has it been since the last relationship ended for OP? Sometimes, seriously, ya just need some time to heal. Find your footing in life. Reset yourself.

Frankly I think she sounds pretty self aware. Which is good. It means that in time, once the hurt heals and fades somewhat, if intrusive thoughts creep in, possibly triggered trauma from the past, she can recognize that, and try to sit with it, work herself through it, and not necessarily have it wreck otherwise good relationships. But for someone with trust issues, perhaps, it could be even more important, to just take things slow for a while.

I have done more personal growth in the last 4+ years since my ex and I broke up, than I did for the 20 years before it, I am pretty sure. I encountered plenty of emotional struggles of various kinds. Something I learned to do, was when my head and my heart weren't in agreement, and I felt like my feelings were not rational, were not as I wished them to be...I would take no action, but sit and contemplate them. Ask myself, "When have I felt this way before? What was the first time in my life, where I can remember feeling this way?" I think that we all have hidden triggers to make us feel this or that...and it can be very empowering to own them and use them to learn about ourselves.
It's Ok....you don't have to get heated or anything. Ofc pedophiles exist....& she needs to be careful by watching & limiting the contact she has with men she brings into her home....that's why IMO she shouldn't be.....

BUT that is so different than her thread about being "obsessive jealous" or all men cheat......shrugs.....
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Old Yesterday, 01:51 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,419 posts, read 332,798 times
Reputation: 1237
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
There is a sense Out There that this sort of thing only happened in the bad old days. Being a bad Mom, I let my kid leave the house in our nice NE neighborhood. Walking home from the fair last night she was accosted by a bunch of rowdy guys asking her to go home with them and whatnot. As they approached her aggressively, she fell backward and hit her head on the curb. Taser did not work. Luckily just bringing out the taser shook them up. Yah kid needs taser to walk home from the freaking county fair.
This is so far from the O.P.'s question about obsessive jealousy & men cheating IMO.......
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