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Old Yesterday, 04:38 PM
 
Location: Southern Most New Jersey
1,175 posts, read 851,477 times
Reputation: 1936

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I think a lot of your fears are justified considering you have children. Also past life experiences.

Therapy is important. I suggest you give it a healthy try.

Last edited by NJBoy3; Yesterday at 05:42 PM..
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Old Yesterday, 05:22 PM
 
Location: Fairfax, VA
868 posts, read 711,625 times
Reputation: 1029
A single mom with a teenage daughter(s) is a delicate matter for a man dating one. If the mother finds you sexy the daughter may too. Because she is at an age where she is increasingly questioning her attractiveness, the coquettish behaviors they often exhibit are simply a call for validation. A smart man will recognize, and know how to properly provide that.

Because a single mother's priority is her children, she should accept that she will also not be the top priority of any man she dates -- at least not one worth having. He can be a good, helpful nurturing person for them both while maintaining his separate lifestyle. It can work much better than the typical selfish and needy relationships we have all seen.
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Old Yesterday, 10:25 PM
 
18 posts, read 1,201 times
Reputation: 34
I am definitely going to- thanks for your reply.
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Old Yesterday, 10:35 PM
 
18 posts, read 1,201 times
Reputation: 34
SomeguyinFairfax- I’m sure it can be “delicate” situation as you put it for men when they date single mothers. I have been told before by guys too that they don’t date women with kids. Probably many reasons for this. I’m not quite sure how to respond though regarding your comments on the daughter wanting validation. Since my divorce I have had my kids around one person I’ve dated. And as I stated earlier that didn’t go well. My daughter did not look for validation from this person. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Btw, if there is someone who replied to me and I haven’t answered it’s because I didn’t see it. I wasn’t expecting all of these responses. This forum has been very helpful!
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Old Today, 07:49 AM
 
18 posts, read 1,201 times
Reputation: 34
TashaPosh and SonicSport- both of you have commented quite a bit. Thank you- I appreciate you sharing your experiences and points of view. I see it all as relevant- our experiences definitely shape who we are. Hearing your responses and some being in line with my current belief system makes me think that Iím not completely crazy. I clearly have trouble handling the truth in general that men think about having sex with other women even when they are in a relationship. Perhaps me saying that all men cheat is a defensive mechanism. I am still processing all of the information- i have not been offended by any of it though and again see all comments as relevant.
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Old Today, 07:57 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
44,048 posts, read 42,618,966 times
Reputation: 85177
Quote:
Originally Posted by Singlemom001 View Post
SomeguyinFairfax- I’m sure it can be “delicate” situation as you put it for men when they date single mothers. I have been told before by guys too that they don’t date women with kids. Probably many reasons for this. I’m not quite sure how to respond though regarding your comments on the daughter wanting validation. Since my divorce I have had my kids around one person I’ve dated. And as I stated earlier that didn’t go well. My daughter did not look for validation from this person. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Btw, if there is someone who replied to me and I haven’t answered it’s because I didn’t see it. I wasn’t expecting all of these responses. This forum has been very helpful!
You have been a very patient and level-headed poster here.

Those comments about a mom's boyfriend providing validation to the teenage daughter really creeped me out. A truly smart man won't flatter himself to think that his role is to serve as some kind of benevolent sensual mentor to two women in the same family. Sounds a bit like a porn-y fantasy to me.

Teens need to be taught about emotional boundaries, and adults HAVE to enforce those.

I still think you should back off from dating for now, but know that your kids are your priority, and any man who does eventually come into your life doesn't even need to meet them until you two are well into a committed, exclusive relationship.

And any man who enters your life should assume nothing but a paternal attitude toward your daughter. The minute I got a hint of anything else, he would be out on his ***.
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Old Today, 08:26 AM
 
7,851 posts, read 3,083,151 times
Reputation: 12990
Quote:
Originally Posted by Singlemom001 View Post
ClaraC- I am very protective of my daughter and donít want anything to happen to her. I am not jealous of her- itís my false beliefs that men want younger women is why I stated I donít want to introduce the person Iím dating to my kids anymore...

I am going to focus on getting better and not date.
^^Good idea.
I had the same concern, so I didnít introduce anyone to my teenage daughter, because I didnít date anyone while she was a teenager and living at home. Comments or questions about my daughter, from men, got my hackles up, even if they were just kidding. Probably because my own mother was temporarily married to an old perv who made inappropriate comments to me when I visited.

Iím not advocating that extreme decision, but itís the route I chose. I needed time after my marriage to educate myself on how I helped in the failure, and what I even really wanted when ready to move forward.

Thereís no timeline expiration date.
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Old Today, 09:06 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,275 posts, read 7,507,917 times
Reputation: 22050
And besides, if your daughter is a teenager, you only have a few years until she is an adult. A few years that will fly by very fast. If you focus on her needs and working with her towards her independence, she'll fly the nest as a capable young adult in no time.

There is another angle to this in my history that I hadn't even thought of. When I first moved in with my Mom when I was 14 and she was divorced, and she had my little brother who was an infant... That first year or so, ish, we had a really good relationship. I have fond memories of us spending good times together. She eventually did meet a man...and the circumstances are not relevant, but he was neither in any sort of sexual pursuit of me once he was with my Mom, nor was he paternal to me. He was much younger, closer to my own age I think, actually, and he actually thought that I was a witch who might put a curse on him (very superstitious guy from rural Mexico.) So HE never tried to mess with me, but one of his friends very early in his connection with my Mom, did assault me, and later another of his friends made a pretty determined effort to woo me, which I rebuffed. He wasn't the problem, his drinking buddies who were at the house a lot, were.

My Mom needed a man to help her pay for things. It's the kind of person she is, a bottomless hole of bad financial decisions, life nothing but a hustle from one crisis to the next. But what I really want to say (I've rambled a bit) is that when a man came into her life, she stopped spending time with me, paying attention to me. Her time was all focused on her man. I felt like I lost her, and I missed her, even though I felt like she was only doing what she thought she had to do, to keep us fed and housed and all.

Again, my situation is what it is, but I can tell you that teenagers make it very easy to neglect them. They SEEM like they're quite content to be left alone, especially if they have the internet, or friends to hang out with. I have to make a very particular point to persistently draw my sons out of their rooms to spend time with me...sometimes it even seems I'm pushing for that against their will. But I know that the memories we make when we go for a day trip to some cool park or event...those are gonna matter to them one day. I guess I'm saying that it can be easier to not let your relationship with your kid fall by the wayside, if you DON'T have a man in your life.
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Old Today, 09:10 AM
 
Location: Southern California
5,649 posts, read 8,264,951 times
Reputation: 5365
OR you could just wait a few more yrs to date until your daughter goes off to college, so she's up & out of the way, THEN get into dating. If you didn't date all this time or rarely, you could probably wait a few more yrs.

(If your daughter stays living at home to attend a college nearby, then of course what I said above won't work.)
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Old Today, 10:12 AM
 
18 posts, read 1,201 times
Reputation: 34
BirdieBell- Yes- my kids are absolutely my first priority. I have been divorced for almost 8 years- and met one person I’ve dated. I am taking the advice from so many that have commented- and not date at all until I get this figured out.
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