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I hope that sharing my story, I can get some help and advice from you all. I'm 25 years old now, but when I was 20 I got engaged to the perfect man, or thats what I thought. Being young & naive I didn't really see all the red flags until now when I think about them.
(I will try to keep it short)
I was 19 years old (turning 20) when I met him, he was charming, fun, and very sweet. He was 25 years old, when we first met, he even had several ex girlfriends and was a little more experienced in life than I was. He was into me from the start, and I liked him too. We started dating immediately and got together after 3 months of dating. He had an all right income, and he was working in a marketing firm etc.
Everything was so perfect, our families met each other, we even got engaged after 1 year of being together. He really seemed like a nice man. He helped me a lot, he gave me the motivation to do what I always wanted, to start my own webshop and be independent. He helped me with the managing of the webshop, how to do PR and get your brand out etc. My webshop was booming and he was so happy for me.
We then decided to move into a small apartment - but that's where everything just went downhill. He wasn't who I thought he was. After we moved in he told me he got "fired from his job", so we then only lived of my income (from the webshop) - he then finally found another job but he couldn't keep holding on to it. So when he was jobless, we fought, and I got mad, he would yell and I would yell back. (In the beginning) he showed some aggresive behavior, for example he pushed me into the wall when I confronted him about his way of being jobless etc. We needed money because the apartment was quite expensive and we needed food to eat and my income alone couldn't handle that.
Anyway, it was like this for like a year. But then things started to get worse. One day I was opening my mails / letters, and I then noticed some bills under my name. I then found out later on, that he have been taking some loan from places that gives you money ( a loan ) but with a high interest rate (I think it is called in english) where the money you loan, you have to pay back monthly a bit higher so you can get out of the loan, or if you pay with a small amount of money monthly the loan will get even higher than what you loaned for. (I hope it makes sense)
So to my surprise, one day the police called and told me that someone have been faking taking loans and acting to be me. I found out he took those kind of loans from 5 places - (BEHIND MY BACK) he faked my signature, he even got arrested for being caught of faking my signature and e-mail etc.
We fought a lot there, because I was so mad. I told him he has to pay me back, he then told me he didn't have any money and that he couldn't. So I got more mad, and I admit that I pushed him a little (a gentle push) it wasn't that hard, I was just so frustrated and mad. But that's where the nightmare started. He grabbed me by my arm and pushed me down and hit me six times on my head.
I ran to the bathroom, and locked the door and stayed there for the next hour.
I called his mom and told her what happened, she rushed over and talked to him and she was mad that he had hit me. His brother came and was shocked about this. My mom and dad came over and took me home that day.
We ended the relationship, I moved back to my parents and he moved back to his. And it's been 2 years now. The first year was hard, I had to go to therapy, I had to find myself, had to distance myself from dating and I still (today) don't like being touched by a man.
I'm paralyzed and paranoid from that episode. I'm always afraid to trust people now. And I've been out on 4-5 dates in total, but it just seems like even though my ex was pretty ****ed up there is no man that can just be 10% better than him (like his personality, or the humor that I liked) etc. So I rather be single.
But there is not a day where I don't think about him, what if we never moved in, what if we never had those money problems, how would our relationship then be?
When I log in to my instagram, I notice him looking through my stories, sometimes his brother likes my pictures (which I don't understand) one of his friend even contacted me twice this year, but idk if it's just a booty call or if it's him telling his friend to maybe talk to me. (But I ignore his friends messages)
I've been really sad specially in August and now september, because every august it reminds me of that episode.
Idk what I want with this thread. I just hope to hear from someone that's not my family or friend. My mom tells me that he's not worth it, and that I will find someone better. (Ofc he's violent and he hit me) I don't want that. But I like the positive side of him. He understood me and I understood him. We were a good match, and had the same view on everything. But yea he was ****ed up and so was our relationship in the end.
But being single for 2 years now, where I've been on some few dates, it just don't look like I will find someone that is just 10% better than him or just someone similiar (his positive and good traits).
So yea.. Idk. I'm just sad atm, and I wanted to get this out. Please help me try to make some sense of all this. What should I do?
For reasons I can't explain, anyone that was a large part of your life, you will miss no matter how badly they have treated you.
All you can do is keep moving forward and don't look back. There are advantages to being single. As long as you focus on that, it won't be so bad.
Relationships are very hard to come by (in my opinion). From what he sounds like, you're better off not being in a relationship with anyone that is not at least 1,000% better than him. He sounds like a total nightmare. Do everything you can to avoid going back to him, even if it means being single for a long time. As they say, it is better to be alone than in bad company.
I hope that sharing my story, I can get some help and advice from you all. I'm 25 years old now, but when I was 20 I got engaged to the perfect man, or thats what I thought. Being young & naive I didn't really see all the red flags until now when I think about them.
(I will try to keep it short)
I was 19 years old (turning 20) when I met him, he was charming, fun, and very sweet. He was 25 years old, when we first met, he even had several ex girlfriends and was a little more experienced in life than I was. He was into me from the start, and I liked him too. We started dating immediately and got together after 3 months of dating. He had an all right income, and he was working in a marketing firm etc.
Everything was so perfect, our families met each other, we even got engaged after 1 year of being together. He really seemed like a nice man. He helped me a lot, he gave me the motivation to do what I always wanted, to start my own webshop and be independent. He helped me with the managing of the webshop, how to do PR and get your brand out etc. My webshop was booming and he was so happy for me.
We then decided to move into a small apartment - but that's where everything just went downhill. He wasn't who I thought he was. After we moved in he told me he got "fired from his job", so we then only lived of my income (from the webshop) - he then finally found another job but he couldn't keep holding on to it. So when he was jobless, we fought, and I got mad, he would yell and I would yell back. (In the beginning) he showed some aggresive behavior, for example he pushed me into the wall when I confronted him about his way of being jobless etc. We needed money because the apartment was quite expensive and we needed food to eat and my income alone couldn't handle that.
Anyway, it was like this for like a year. But then things started to get worse. One day I was opening my mails / letters, and I then noticed some bills under my name. I then found out later on, that he have been taking some loan from places that gives you money ( a loan ) but with a high interest rate (I think it is called in english) where the money you loan, you have to pay back monthly a bit higher so you can get out of the loan, or if you pay with a small amount of money monthly the loan will get even higher than what you loaned for. (I hope it makes sense)
So to my surprise, one day the police called and told me that someone have been faking taking loans and acting to be me. I found out he took those kind of loans from 5 places - (BEHIND MY BACK) he faked my signature, he even got arrested for being caught of faking my signature and e-mail etc.
We fought a lot there, because I was so mad. I told him he has to pay me back, he then told me he didn't have any money and that he couldn't. So I got more mad, and I admit that I pushed him a little (a gentle push) it wasn't that hard, I was just so frustrated and mad. But that's where the nightmare started. He grabbed me by my arm and pushed me down and hit me six times on my head.
I ran to the bathroom, and locked the door and stayed there for the next hour.
I called his mom and told her what happened, she rushed over and talked to him and she was mad that he had hit me. His brother came and was shocked about this. My mom and dad came over and took me home that day.
We ended the relationship, I moved back to my parents and he moved back to his. And it's been 2 years now. The first year was hard, I had to go to therapy, I had to find myself, had to distance myself from dating and I still (today) don't like being touched by a man.
I'm paralyzed and paranoid from that episode. I'm always afraid to trust people now. And I've been out on 4-5 dates in total, but it just seems like even though my ex was pretty ****ed up there is no man that can just be 10% better than him (like his personality, or the humor that I liked) etc. So I rather be single.
But there is not a day where I don't think about him, what if we never moved in, what if we never had those money problems, how would our relationship then be?
When I log in to my instagram, I notice him looking through my stories, sometimes his brother likes my pictures (which I don't understand) one of his friend even contacted me twice this year, but idk if it's just a booty call or if it's him telling his friend to maybe talk to me. (But I ignore his friends messages)
I've been really sad specially in August and now september, because every august it reminds me of that episode.
Idk what I want with this thread. I just hope to hear from someone that's not my family or friend. My mom tells me that he's not worth it, and that I will find someone better. (Ofc he's violent and he hit me) I don't want that. But I like the positive side of him. He understood me and I understood him. We were a good match, and had the same view on everything. But yea he was ****ed up and so was our relationship in the end.
But being single for 2 years now, where I've been on some few dates, it just don't look like I will find someone that is just 10% better than him or just someone similiar (his positive and good traits).
So yea.. Idk. I'm just sad atm, and I wanted to get this out. Please help me try to make some sense of all this. What should I do?
Thank you for reading all this!
Why do you have such low self-esteem? That is the critical question you need to answer. Because no one with a bit of self-respect would put up with this for a second. This man should be behind bars, not in your life.
This man might be charming, but he is a scumbag and a flim-flam man. A person who lies, steals, and whatever else does not give a rip about you, no matter how much he apparently 'gets' you. The only thing he's getting is your undeserved trust.
So don't focus on him. Focus on why you are willing to put up with actions no sane person would.
You need to get some counseling because none of that what you've told us was healthy at all. You feel in love with a lazy,manipulative,abusive leech. The fact that you still have feelings for someone who treated this way is not good.You need to get counseling.He was not a good person and probably will never change his behavior so it's a good thing you're not with him no more.He is probably preying on someone else as we speak.
You need to continue to go to therapy so you can find ways to build your self esteem. Your self worth should NEVER depend on what other people think of you or want from you. What other people want and like is constantly changing, so it's impossible to keep up. Also you are NOT responsible for keeping anyone happy and healthy but yourself. The sooner you learn that, the sooner you'll feel better and forget that psycho.
I agree with all of the responses. Please follow up with the therapy suggestions. Why would you want him, his family and his friends on your social media? They should be completely out of your life. I wish the best for you.
But there is not a day where I don't think about him, what if we never moved in, what if we never had those money problems, how would our relationship then be?
So is your idea of a good relationship really not being able to take it to the next level, always having a casual "sometimes we visit each other" kind of relationship, and not being able to go any further like other people in normal relationships are able to? "Oh Rose why don't you two get married? Don't you want to move in together?" And here's you trying to come up with a good answer for that, that sounds plausible, not stupid, and isn't the truth ("because if we move in together he'll abuse me and take advantage of me")?
How is it that in the beginning of your relationship he could keep a job (I assume, since you don't say he didn't) and then later magically lost this ability? Do you really think that, living together or not, it wouldn't have eventually come to the point that he expected you to give him money?
It sounds to me like you would still benefit from therapy. And from blocking him and his friends on Instagram, especially if you can lock your posts so he can't even see them.
I hope that sharing my story, I can get some help and advice from you all. I'm 25 years old now, but when I was 20 I got engaged to the perfect man, or thats what I thought. Being young & naive I didn't really see all the red flags until now when I think about them.
(I will try to keep it short)
I was 19 years old (turning 20) when I met him, he was charming, fun, and very sweet. He was 25 years old, when we first met, he even had several ex girlfriends and was a little more experienced in life than I was. He was into me from the start, and I liked him too. We started dating immediately and got together after 3 months of dating. He had an all right income, and he was working in a marketing firm etc.
Everything was so perfect, our families met each other, we even got engaged after 1 year of being together. He really seemed like a nice man. He helped me a lot, he gave me the motivation to do what I always wanted, to start my own webshop and be independent. He helped me with the managing of the webshop, how to do PR and get your brand out etc. My webshop was booming and he was so happy for me.
We then decided to move into a small apartment - but that's where everything just went downhill. He wasn't who I thought he was. After we moved in he told me he got "fired from his job", so we then only lived of my income (from the webshop) - he then finally found another job but he couldn't keep holding on to it. So when he was jobless, we fought, and I got mad, he would yell and I would yell back. (In the beginning) he showed some aggresive behavior, for example he pushed me into the wall when I confronted him about his way of being jobless etc. We needed money because the apartment was quite expensive and we needed food to eat and my income alone couldn't handle that.
Anyway, it was like this for like a year. But then things started to get worse. One day I was opening my mails / letters, and I then noticed some bills under my name. I then found out later on, that he have been taking some loan from places that gives you money ( a loan ) but with a high interest rate (I think it is called in english) where the money you loan, you have to pay back monthly a bit higher so you can get out of the loan, or if you pay with a small amount of money monthly the loan will get even higher than what you loaned for. (I hope it makes sense)
So to my surprise, one day the police called and told me that someone have been faking taking loans and acting to be me. I found out he took those kind of loans from 5 places - (BEHIND MY BACK) he faked my signature, he even got arrested for being caught of faking my signature and e-mail etc.
We fought a lot there, because I was so mad. I told him he has to pay me back, he then told me he didn't have any money and that he couldn't. So I got more mad, and I admit that I pushed him a little (a gentle push) it wasn't that hard, I was just so frustrated and mad. But that's where the nightmare started. He grabbed me by my arm and pushed me down and hit me six times on my head.
I ran to the bathroom, and locked the door and stayed there for the next hour.
I called his mom and told her what happened, she rushed over and talked to him and she was mad that he had hit me. His brother came and was shocked about this. My mom and dad came over and took me home that day.
We ended the relationship, I moved back to my parents and he moved back to his. And it's been 2 years now. The first year was hard, I had to go to therapy, I had to find myself, had to distance myself from dating and I still (today) don't like being touched by a man.
I'm paralyzed and paranoid from that episode. I'm always afraid to trust people now. And I've been out on 4-5 dates in total, but it just seems like even though my ex was pretty ****ed up there is no man that can just be 10% better than him (like his personality, or the humor that I liked) etc. So I rather be single.
But there is not a day where I don't think about him, what if we never moved in, what if we never had those money problems, how would our relationship then be?
When I log in to my instagram, I notice him looking through my stories, sometimes his brother likes my pictures (which I don't understand) one of his friend even contacted me twice this year, but idk if it's just a booty call or if it's him telling his friend to maybe talk to me. (But I ignore his friends messages)
I've been really sad specially in August and now september, because every august it reminds me of that episode.
Idk what I want with this thread. I just hope to hear from someone that's not my family or friend. My mom tells me that he's not worth it, and that I will find someone better. (Ofc he's violent and he hit me) I don't want that. But I like the positive side of him. He understood me and I understood him. We were a good match, and had the same view on everything. But yea he was ****ed up and so was our relationship in the end.
But being single for 2 years now, where I've been on some few dates, it just don't look like I will find someone that is just 10% better than him or just someone similiar (his positive and good traits).
So yea.. Idk. I'm just sad atm, and I wanted to get this out. Please help me try to make some sense of all this. What should I do?
Thank you for reading all this!
I think a wise thing to do is seek counseling and try to figure out why you chose someone you didn't deserve....for what reasons? Were you hungry for love, to be taken care of, etc.
Surely it doesn't dismiss what he did to you, however, you need to stop dating for a while and get to know yourself...stop looking for reasons why he acted like this and treated you like this, he will treat every woman he is with the same....
You didn't do anything to cause him to treat you so badly, but what you did do, is moved way to quickly into a relationship before really knowing the person you chose to be your life long mate.
you can't change people, but what you can do, is ready yourself for the next person who comes along so you will make wiser choices....
we sometimes "think" we met "the one" b/c we are so hungry to be a couple.
You don't have to be a couple or in a relationship to be successful.
I hope this makes sense.....I went thru it years ago....only b/c I was so hungry to love and be loved, and they see you coming a mile away.
once you take the time to get to know yourself and enjoy the company you keep, you will know what you want and you'll be amazed at how well you can function by yourself.....not to mention, will set your goals higher in both your career and relationships. Just b/c you sleep with someone, doesn't mean you are bound for life.
Why do you have such low self-esteem? That is the critical question you need to answer. Because no one with a bit of self-respect would put up with this for a second. This man should be behind bars, not in your life.
This man might be charming, but he is a scumbag and a flim-flam man. A person who lies, steals, and whatever else does not give a rip about you, no matter how much he apparently 'gets' you. The only thing he's getting is your undeserved trust.
So don't focus on him. Focus on why you are willing to put up with actions no sane person would.
I don't want HIM back and I will never forget what he did to me. But I sometimes like yesterday when I was feeling bad, it's only in those times I wish I could return to the good times with him.
But you are right, he will always be the same man who lied and stole from me and abused me. And I don't want that.
You need to get some counseling because none of that what you've told us was healthy at all. You feel in love with a lazy,manipulative,abusive leech. The fact that you still have feelings for someone who treated this way is not good.You need to get counseling.He was not a good person and probably will never change his behavior so it's a good thing you're not with him no more.He is probably preying on someone else as we speak.
I don't have feelings for him, this year I even managed to go on some few dates and forget about him but when my sadness hits me in some periods of times, then it is only THERE that I miss his positive side, and that I wish we were together before all that happened. I don't miss HIM as a person or a man, I just miss having someone with me / beside me that understood me and could support me en bad times etc.
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