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Old 09-23-2019, 03:43 AM
 
3 posts, read 427 times
Reputation: 10

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Hi, recently I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman, I really felt she was ideal for me, she was kind, caring, supportive, pretty, everything I could have wanted in a partner. The first few times we met up it was exciting but then once the relationship started getting more serious my excitement started to fade and I didn't feel that ''spark''. I'm really confused why my feelings werent strong enough as I felt really lucky to have someone like her interested in me. Don't get me wrong the times we spent together were nice, I just can't pinpoint why I wasnt fully happy. I kept waiting and hoping to see if my feelings would get stronger over time but they didnt... She eventually broke up with me, probably sensed that I wasnt enthusiastic enough. Now I find shortly after the break up she's found someone else and it makes me really miss her and I feel depressed - but if I wasnt fully into it why do I feel so upset?

Some additional info - This was my first proper serious relationship and I do have problems with anxiety/OCD. Could these have played a factor as to why I wasnt fully content?

I really feel like ive missed out on something special, but I suppose feelings cant be forced...
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Old 09-23-2019, 03:49 AM
 
12,466 posts, read 13,808,964 times
Reputation: 14601
Don’t beat yourself up.

Just move on like she did.
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Old 09-23-2019, 06:32 PM
 
Location: Texas
10,692 posts, read 4,095,840 times
Reputation: 21333
That initial excitement, rush of adrenaline that you get on the first few months of dating, eventually dies down in all relationships; then you have to deal with the reality of being two flawed human beings together.
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Old 09-23-2019, 06:59 PM
 
Location: Raccoon City
815 posts, read 1,087,087 times
Reputation: 1316
There could have been something genuinely off about the connection that you were picking up on. However, going on more dates should help you identify if you have issues with sabotaging a good connection out of some underlying fear (commitment, intimacy, etc). It's more common than you may think, but it gives you a chance to reflect about some issues that you may need to fix within yourself to be ready to be in a relationship.

But in the end, if you weren't happy being with her, breaking it off was most likely the right thing to do.

Last edited by thefallensrvnge; 09-23-2019 at 07:10 PM..
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Old 09-23-2019, 07:01 PM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
1,582 posts, read 730,337 times
Reputation: 3257
Quote:
Originally Posted by lonely32 View Post
Now I find shortly after the break up she's found someone else and it makes me really miss her and I feel depressed - but if I wasnt fully into it why do I feel so upset?
Probably because she checked off most of the boxes and you liked her, so there might be a part of you that feels like you should've felt more for her than you did. But that elusive "it" factor is either there or it isn't with someone, and unfortunately, it sounds like it was missing with her.

Don't beat yourself up over it. If you had stayed together there's good chance you wouldn't have ever been completely happy with her, which means everything probably turned out for the best--for BOTH of you.
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Old 09-23-2019, 11:07 PM
Status: "I got the job!!!" (set 8 days ago)
 
Location: South Bay Native
13,522 posts, read 22,175,865 times
Reputation: 24108
Quote:
Originally Posted by lonely32 View Post
Hi, recently I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman, I really felt she was ideal for me, she was kind, caring, supportive, pretty, everything I could have wanted in a partner. The first few times we met up it was exciting but then once the relationship started getting more serious my excitement started to fade and I didn't feel that ''spark''. I'm really confused why my feelings werent strong enough as I felt really lucky to have someone like her interested in me. Don't get me wrong the times we spent together were nice, I just can't pinpoint why I wasnt fully happy. I kept waiting and hoping to see if my feelings would get stronger over time but they didnt... She eventually broke up with me, probably sensed that I wasnt enthusiastic enough. Now I find shortly after the break up she's found someone else and it makes me really miss her and I feel depressed - but if I wasnt fully into it why do I feel so upset?

Some additional info - This was my first proper serious relationship and I do have problems with anxiety/OCD. Could these have played a factor as to why I wasnt fully content?

I really feel like ive missed out on something special, but I suppose feelings cant be forced...
The bolded - evidence that you need to move past the feelings you might have had for her.

The underlined - this is ego. You see that she's moved on after your rejection of her and she's with someone who is apparently emotionally mature enough to have a relationship.

I'm no expert but it seems like you have some sort of predetermined 'ideal' partner for you and she didn't make the cut. Perhaps there isn't a woman alive who fits your wish list. It's a pity that things didn't work out considering all the positives you listed but clearly she was missing or lacking in some aspect. When you figure out what that is, you might have better luck next time.
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Old 09-23-2019, 11:50 PM
 
12,220 posts, read 3,065,743 times
Reputation: 5741
Some men are addicted to the thrill of the chase
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Old Yesterday, 05:25 AM
 
3 posts, read 427 times
Reputation: 10
Thank you all for the replies. I'm starting to think maybe I have some psychological issues that stop me from developing strong feelings/falling in love with someone as I couldn't have asked for a nicer partner, I really tried to wait and see if my feelings developed... I still feel traumatised from seeing her with someone else so soon after breaking up with me. I dont know if the fact that it was my first serious relationship and/or my anxiety/ocd issues prevented me from falling in love with her, I did keep thinking ''is the grass greener on the other side'' when I was with her but I think im starting to realise that the grass isnt greener. I don't know if this is due to lack of experience or what and I dont think ill ever figure it out for sure. I know it wouldnt have been fair to either of us to continue the relationship if I wasnt content but I really feel like ive missed out on something special...
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Old Yesterday, 05:29 AM
 
Location: ATL, GA
1,211 posts, read 702,279 times
Reputation: 978
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
That initial excitement, rush of adrenaline that you get on the first few months of dating, eventually dies down in all relationships; then you have to deal with the reality of being two flawed human beings together.
Best post so far.
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Old Yesterday, 05:32 AM
 
Location: ATL, GA
1,211 posts, read 702,279 times
Reputation: 978
Quote:
Originally Posted by lonely32 View Post
Thank you all for the replies. I'm starting to think maybe I have some psychological issues that stop me from developing strong feelings/falling in love with someone as I couldn't have asked for a nicer partner, I really tried to wait and see if my feelings developed... I still feel traumatised from seeing her with someone else so soon after breaking up with me. I dont know if the fact that it was my first serious relationship and/or my anxiety/ocd issues prevented me from falling in love with her, I did keep thinking ''is the grass greener on the other side'' when I was with her but I think im starting to realise that the grass isnt greener. I don't know if this is due to lack of experience or what and I dont think ill ever figure it out for sure. I know it wouldnt have been fair to either of us to continue the relationship if I wasnt content but I really feel like ive missed out on something special...
I think that you like it better single. I felt that way a couple of times when the relationships started getting serious.

Also, to the bolded, women rebound much quicker than men. It's in their biology to move on quick. It is a survival tactic. Not saying it is a bad thing. The reality is that she already knew the guy she is with now, before you broke up.
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