Male/Female Dictionary - TGIF! (man, beautiful, love)

[SifuPhil]

Originally Posted by beowulf7

^ She should've just kept the talking frog for show-and-tell purposes.

Like Michigan J. Frog?

[sierraAZ]

DICTIONARY OF DATING

ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Dictionary of Dating - Funny marriage, sex, love jokes

[beowulf7]

^ EYE CONTACT reminds me of a t-shirt I sometimes see that says something like, "Stop making your boobs stare at my eyes."

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by beowulf7

^ EYE CONTACT reminds me of a t-shirt I sometimes see that says something like, "Stop making your boobs stare at my eyes."

There are some advantages to being petite. I can't tell for sure which pair of eyes gets more attention. Imagine a lady with boobs at the guy’s eye level…

Eureka! That must be why we women prefer taller guys!

[beowulf7]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

There are some advantages to being petite. I can't tell for sure which pair of eyes gets more attention. Imagine a lady with boobs at the guy’s eye level…

Eureka! That must be why we women prefer taller guys!

If she's got perky boobs or perhaps if they're turned on by his eyes, they'll point more upwards.

[sierraAZ]

Dating Ad Translations

Want to know what the person is REALLY like behind those "nice" descriptions in Singles Ads? Here are some translations.

DANDY LITTLE HOUSE KEEPER:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses

FINE CHARACTER
She's an ex-hooker

KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE MONEY:
She's a spend thrift and great at spending yours

STRONG FAMILY TIES:
She's a Mafia Princess

LOVES CHILDREN:
She's pregnant and needs a husband

WONDERFUL PERSONALITY:
She's fat

GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say

THE OUTDOOR TYPE:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, just like the guys

READY TO SETTLE DOWN:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry

LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME:
She gets drunk every time she goes out

LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES:
Often makes an ass of herself

MATURE WOMAN:
She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five

HAS THE APPEARANCE OF A YOUNG SCHOOL GIRL:
She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager

CASUAL:
She dresses like a slob

DECORATED HER OWN PLACE:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty

A GREAT DANCER:
She's a Stripper

NOT OVERLY EMOTIONAL:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day

DOESN'T CHASE MEN:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type

SELDOM DATES:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something

UNDERSTANDS MEN:
She's been married and divorced four times

A GOOD SPORT:
She knows two hundred jokes & can drink you under the table

LOOKS AND DRESSES LIKE A MODEL:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy-three pounds

BEEN IN SHOW BUSINESS:
She's a former porn movie star

KNOWS A LOT OF INTERESTING PEOPLE:
None of whom would marry her

Relationship Jokes & Humor - Dating Ad Translations

[beowulf7]

^ LOL, nice list! Of course I'm not looking for a woman to be "a great dancer".

[bobmulk]

I saw an abbreviated version of this a few years ago. It was hysterical! This one is even better! Thanks for sharing!!!

[sierraAZ]

Things Not to Say on Your First Date

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.


Things to Never Say to a Woman During an Argument

Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

You are so cute when you get mad.

You're just upset because your bottom is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of b*tch flakes this morning!

Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

Jokes N Jokes - Things Not to Say ... Jokes

[Rcm58]

Interpreting things that come out of guys mouths:

That sounds like something my sister would say = Your stupid

Your very interesting = Your way out there or are way over my head

You seem to have a lot of guy friends = you've slept with at least a few of them haven't you?

So what kind of work do you do? = I'm flat broke and hope your not too proud to get a second job.

So if I ask you out are you going to tell all your friends = Run!

I'm seperated = Shes at work

So are you from round here = You talk funny

Do you think your parents would like me? = Are your parents smart enough to see through me?

Nice skirt! = You look like you put the hoe back into hotel.