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Old 04-22-2008, 10:09 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,837 posts, read 77,258,315 times
Reputation: 22814

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Quote:
Originally Posted by moonsavvy View Post
A very If you are looking for a rescuer, you will attract another contolling, dominating and/or abusive man.
I think rescued can turn into rescuers later in life under different circumstances. I recall reading something about these behaviors being catchy. Or perhaps revenge is sought on some level. Paying for somebody else's mistakes is quite common. Many people say they'll never be as loving, trusting, giving as they have been (and were disappointed)... and guess what... they most likely really will not be. It may be counterproductive, but once burned twice shy....
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Old 04-22-2008, 10:49 PM
 
Location: Earth
3,798 posts, read 6,036,211 times
Reputation: 2521
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
I think rescued can turn into rescuers later in life under different circumstances. I recall reading something about these behaviors being catchy. Or perhaps revenge is sought on some level. Paying for somebody else's mistakes is quite common. Many people say they'll never be as loving, trusting, giving as they have been (and were disappointed)... and guess what... they most likely really will not be. It may be counterproductive, but once burned twice shy....
Definately if the cycle is not broken. If you do research on the abuser's history you will see the abuser's were often once victims. Many victims of child abuse will grow up to become abusers themselves, see the cycle is still there, it just changes roles. That is why you will see wives who are victims will sometimes become the abuser of their own children, or of other people. Or they will continue to allow themselve's to be victimized by others. It's a very vicious cycle, but can be broken if one is willing.
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Old 04-22-2008, 10:50 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,837 posts, read 77,258,315 times
Reputation: 22814
Oh, that was another good article:

Are You Dating a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers in Relationships
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Old 04-23-2008, 06:43 AM
 
1,009 posts, read 1,976,157 times
Reputation: 600
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
There was a poster the other day who started by saying what a nice guy her husband used to be because he would run her bath. If a guy ever did that for me more than once, I'd run the other way. Why? Because children need a bath run for them, grown women don't. Once, maybe a sweet romantic gesture. More than that, no thank you. "You won't have to work--I'll take care of you." "You don't need a car--I'll drive you wherever you want to go." "Look, I bought these clothes for you." If a man acts that way toward you, run.
Ok. This sparked a memory in my head. Which is crazy, cuz my head sucks. A while back I had a coworker who was a thirty-something woman with a very troubled past. She had the usual story (not to downplay it or anything), with previous horrible relationships with d-bags. One of her kids had autism, and she spent a lot of her free time taking care of him, not to mention providing for herself and the kids. She met a guy where I work, and pretty much everyone in the building knew this guy was no good, he had just 'broken out' of a cult that a few employees are members of. He was raised in this cult, and I think it sort of taught him about abuse and control in a really weird way. So this guy told her all the right things, basically I'm gonna take care of you, you won't need to do anything, I'll help you raise these kids, I'll provide for you and fix things etc. etc. She fell for it, they got married soon thereafter. I didn't know her at the time, so I wasn't in a position to tell her this man was basically a loser and a freakshow. Well I got to know her right as she was beginning divorce preceedings, and she latched onto me cuz I'm a stupid nice guy who listens to womens problems. Besides the abuse, there were incidents between the sheets that she told me about, the guy must have been abused at a young age, and also been with young girls (probably around 9-13 years old). Anyway the divorce was still going on for months after I met her, it basically tore her life up even more. Before that she was self-sufficient, she owned her own business which I understand was like a riding stable which she ran herself. She had pretty much everything except free time and good man by her side, and because her compass was all whacky she picked the worst possible man she could have picked. Seriously, she would have been better off marrying a sex offender, at least then the problem would be an obvious one.

The saddest part of the story is that there are plenty of single men that work there, and several of them were attracted to her. But of course they held no appeal to her, they didn't have that 'spark' or that way of saying all the right things, because they were essentially decent men who weren't out to use her.

So I don't know why I felt the need to post that story, but it seems to fit with the thread. As of today her son is in the hospital last I heard, something wrong with his brain. I haven't seen her at work for a few months, she must be on sick leave to deal with everything. I can't imagine what it's like for her, but I also can't imagine she was lying when she said she would never bring another man into her life. It's not that a good man couldn't be of tremendous help to her. It's simply that any man she attracts or is attracted to, is decidedly not a good man. It's almost like she is a human divining rod, if she falls in love with someone you KNOW that man has major problems and is probably an abuser. Strange how that works.

PS: Why don't I ever have the power to pick who a woman marries? Man, I could point out a guy and be like "See him? Yeah I talk to him all the time. He thinks your butt is cute. He's a real nice guy, he's single right now and looking for a good woman. Go flirt." But no, she would say he was boring. But then Abusive Asshat walks by and her knees get weak.
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Old 04-23-2008, 07:48 AM
 
Location: Bethesda
2,876 posts, read 6,027,908 times
Reputation: 1218
Even though its almost ignored by our society, women can be the abusers in relationships as well. I know this goes against the "men are bad" theme but there are abusive people of all races and genders. If anything, men are disadvantaged because there are much less resources and no general sympathy.
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Old 04-23-2008, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Whiteville Tennessee
8,262 posts, read 15,996,006 times
Reputation: 10024
Are you reading this AMY08??
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Old 04-23-2008, 09:28 AM
sbr
 
17 posts, read 30,068 times
Reputation: 13
Default completely directionless

I have been on this forum before and got very good advice.

I have been working for last 12 years now and have had fairly good carrer so far. Of late (3 months or so), I have been experience of complete hallowness in me. This happens 2-3 times a week. I am not sure if this is due to overwork, or my subconcious, for some reason, is giving negative instructions.

- Sometimes I dont find the work I am doing interesting and end up doing it mechanically
- Sometimes I come to office and dont know how to start
- I start thinking, "where is all this going?"
- I lack the same energy I used to have an year back
- Sometime I even lack drive to do things people generally enjoy
- the list continues and is huge...

But inspite of that I manage my work pretty well and have got very good feedback so far (mainly because I put lot of hard effort on an average)

Is this some sort of depression? Am I lacking a motive in life? Is something that is nagging internally keeps pulling me down?

Appreciate your inputs and suggestions.
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Old 04-23-2008, 09:45 AM
 
Location: Earth
3,798 posts, read 6,036,211 times
Reputation: 2521
Quote:
Originally Posted by sbr View Post
I have been on this forum before and got very good advice.

I have been working for last 12 years now and have had fairly good carrer so far. Of late (3 months or so), I have been experience of complete hallowness in me. This happens 2-3 times a week. I am not sure if this is due to overwork, or my subconcious, for some reason, is giving negative instructions.

- Sometimes I dont find the work I am doing interesting and end up doing it mechanically
- Sometimes I come to office and dont know how to start
- I start thinking, "where is all this going?"
- I lack the same energy I used to have an year back
- Sometime I even lack drive to do things people generally enjoy
- the list continues and is huge...

But inspite of that I manage my work pretty well and have got very good feedback so far (mainly because I put lot of hard effort on an average)

Is this some sort of depression? Am I lacking a motive in life? Is something that is nagging internally keeps pulling me down?

Appreciate your inputs and suggestions.
Try breathing very slowly, IN and OUT. Focus in on the breath and be concious of it. Again you or anyone can always send me a message if you want more info.

You're a Divine Being with a Birthright to be happy.
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Old 04-23-2008, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Bethesda
2,876 posts, read 6,027,908 times
Reputation: 1218
Quote:
Originally Posted by sbr View Post
I have been on this forum before and got very good advice.

I have been working for last 12 years now and have had fairly good carrer so far. Of late (3 months or so), I have been experience of complete hallowness in me. This happens 2-3 times a week. I am not sure if this is due to overwork, or my subconcious, for some reason, is giving negative instructions.

- Sometimes I dont find the work I am doing interesting and end up doing it mechanically
- Sometimes I come to office and dont know how to start
- I start thinking, "where is all this going?"
- I lack the same energy I used to have an year back
- Sometime I even lack drive to do things people generally enjoy
- the list continues and is huge...

But inspite of that I manage my work pretty well and have got very good feedback so far (mainly because I put lot of hard effort on an average)

Is this some sort of depression? Am I lacking a motive in life? Is something that is nagging internally keeps pulling me down?

Appreciate your inputs and suggestions.
This would be a good thread in of itself. I don't know your story maybe you would benefit from a change in career/location. Did you really enjoy your job 12 yrs ago? I think most people go through stages of wondering what to do with their lives. Some make themselves busier to fill the void, others turn to family. Still others to religion.

One thing that helps me is to list all the positives of my life which always makes me realize how well off I am. We are hardier than we think, and when I think of all the misery going on in the world any unhappiness I have seems absurd.
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Old 04-23-2008, 06:04 PM
 
1,009 posts, read 1,976,157 times
Reputation: 600
Quote:
Originally Posted by sbr View Post
- Sometimes I dont find the work I am doing interesting and end up doing it mechanically
- Sometimes I come to office and dont know how to start
- I start thinking, "where is all this going?"
- I lack the same energy I used to have an year back
- Sometime I even lack drive to do things people generally enjoy
- the list continues and is huge...
K. I work for the post office, and your post pretty much sums up every day for the past four years. That's why, I form a mental barrier in my brain. At work I am an automaton, I daydream about things I enjoy, and think of whitty rejoinders that I will post on C-D, and think about when I can finally sell my house and move someplace warmer. Then when I get off work, my real self comes back online, and it's like I'm a whole new person.

Take up outdoor exercise. It gives you a good daily perspective that we are not confined to manmade boxes. It's also one of the best ways to relieve depression.

When you are at work, realize it is a job. I know I'll get flamed for that, because some people believe you should love your job or else. It's really there so that you can pay your bills. If you had a job that made you really really happy, you wouldn't be posting on here, so either quit your job or realize that it doesn't define you, and all the mechanical motions you make every day are done for a reason. I sometimes think of my time in minutes, for example I'll realize that 22 minutes have passed so I'll try and calculate how much money that is based on my wage.

I would be willing to bet that MY job is 80 times more boring, repetitive, and dull than yours. That my supervisors and the whole authority structure is ten times more ass-backwards. That my coworkers are 3 times more lazy. Yet I manage all this by thinking about time is money. I'm not there to be fulfilled, I do that on my own time. I'm there to collect a phatty paycheck and enjoy my weekends and vacation time to the best of my ability.
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