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I would not move to OK for him; especially if your dream job is on the Horizon. Suggest he go to counseling with you; so you can both discuss your feelings.
He is not being objective, thinking you are selfish; maybe a third party can help him see that.
I would not move to OK for him; especially if your dream job is on the Horizon. Suggest he go to counseling with you; so you can both discuss your feelings.
I tend to agree with veuvegirl on this. Based upon what you've told us (and keeping in mind there are at least two sides to every tale) it sounds like he has reneged on the deal you made to not move back to OK. What he said on the phone was pretty bad, and leaving you with the kids in Vegas was awfully bad. I was just in Vegas a few weeks ago; I don't know what kind of work your husband does, but I got the distinct impression that the economy there is doing pretty well and that there are lots of jobs in the area. Thus, my hunch is that the job issue was just an excuse for him to get back to where he wants to be. As the old expression goes, you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy. Unfortunately, my guess is that divorce is probably the way that this story ends.
I will add, though, that I could not imagine raising a family in Las Vegas. Yes, I know that the strip and casinos are only one part of the city. But overall I find the place to be a cesspool. I don't have a problem with gambling, but the ubiquitous prostitution, the extreme and ever-present drunkenness, the vibe of hustling a quick buck, and (most nauseating of all) the California-like obsession with appearance and glitz are all too much for me.
I tend to agree with veuvegirl on this. Based upon what you've told us (and keeping in mind there are at least two sides to every tale) it sounds like he has reneged on the deal you made to not move back to OK. What he said on the phone was pretty bad, and leaving you with the kids in Vegas was awfully bad. I was just in Vegas a few weeks ago; I don't know what kind of work your husband does, but I got the distinct impression that the economy there is doing pretty well and that there are lots of jobs in the area. Thus, my hunch is that the job issue was just an excuse for him to get back to where he wants to be. As the old expression goes, you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy. Unfortunately, my guess is that divorce is probably the way that this story ends.
I will add, though, that I could not imagine raising a family in Las Vegas. Yes, I know that the strip and casinos are only one part of the city. But overall I find the place to be a cesspool. I don't have a problem with gambling, but the ubiquitous prostitution, the extreme and ever-present drunkenness, the vibe of hustling a quick buck, and (most nauseating of all) the California-like obsession with appearance and glitz are all too much for me.
I agree with the above post. You've done enough sacrificing, and it seems that your hubby is not mature enough to return the favor, and he seems to want to do "the easy way of life" -- ie, moving back to OK to be with his family. That "move" alone indicates that he chose his family over the family that he's supposed to sustain WITH YOU.
Sorry, but a divorce is definitely on the horizon.
Location: Georgia, on the Florida line, right above Tallahassee
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My wife is a "city girl" from Yokohama and I'm a "country boy" from South Georgia.
Guess what? We live in Seattle..in a big city. Because living in the country (and thereby, isolating her) would've made her go completely bat s**t crazy.
For some strange reason, that would bother me. Maybe because I - *Gasp* - care about how she would feel?
She would've had to order Japanese foods off the internet, vs. going to Uwajumaya (A local Japanese food store).
She wouldn't have had the optiopn of making Japanese friends...and speaking her own language and enjoying all the customs she ejoyed before she met me. There's a lot to say about having friends you can identify with. As for me, I'm a caveman. I don't need people. I like people..but I don't NEED people. She needs people to talk to.
Etc., etc.
This lady's husband doesn't give two rips about her..or his children. Which is so ________ sad. (<---That's a REALLY BAD swear word) In my opinion, he's not a man. He's male. But he's a not a man. Maybe I should say father. A real man doesn't abandon his kids. A real man doesn't shift all the blame to his wife, for his own faults. A real man doesn't marry his wife and dump her in Vegas because he misses his mommy. A real man steps the _______ up (Yeah, bad word.) and takes CARE OF his ________ family. (different bad word.)
I feel like he's always putting his family ahead of us. Instead of sticking it out in Las Vegas with his wife and kids, he went back to Oklahoma to be with his family. He's constantly doing favors for relatives while he couldn't even fix a towel rack for his wife in his own house. I feel that if we move to Oklahoma, his family will always have priority over us.
I have just been offered my dream job, the job I've been working for since I first started college (I'm nearing the end of my Masters program), making this decision even harder. I have the opportunity to make a lot of money and possibly advance within the company, making it possible for me to contribute to the family income. My starting pay is more than what he is currently making, and the hours and benefits are great.
We recently had a huge blowout fight in which he said a lot of hurtful things to me, including that I am stupid, a bad mother, I have made nothing but bad decisions, and I have no ambition or direction in my life. He gave me an ultimatum: move to Oklahoma to be with him and support him like a wife should or stay in Las Vegas and file for divorce. He refuses to come back to Las Vegas because he hates it and he won't leave his family.
I don't know how many more times I have to sacrifice my life for him. Do I give up my dream career to save my marriage and move to Oklahoma where there is so much uncertainty?
Get out while you can. You are right, his family will always come first. And he is neglecting his own wife and children. You clearly have a good sense of financial responsibility and he does not. Take the high-paying job. He wants everything his way and is willing to destroy you in the process.
It is your CHOICE to destroy your life and sacrifice it for what sounds like a really unfair no-win situation for you. You would end up resenting him and his family. It sounds like a no-win situaiton all the way around.
It also sounds like you already know what would be best for you, just read what you wrote above?! plus his own mother justifying his nastiness?? MAJOR RED FLAG. It can only get worse and it already sounds plenty bad.
That's not love. Love is people being there for each other and supporting each other, not one saying do it my or get the f**k out.
one way to see how serious he is about the marriage and family committment is to ask him to go to counseling. If he is not, then right there that shows he is not willing to put time into making the relationship work. He sounds incredibly self-absorbed, and also people like that (i was married to one for 13 years before i got out) do whatever they can to keep you from being successful in your own right. When i was married, in addition to multiple moves for HIS JOBS which caused me to quit mine, every time i began to get successful in jobs and recognition, he'd give me reasons why i should quit.
I was young at the time now i recognize it as a pattern of abuse; during the divorce he actually admitted yeah he didn't want me to get recognition because it "took away from him."
That is not only selfish, petty, and mean, it has a huge impact on the finanical future you can provide for yourself and your two daughters. THAT IS IMPORTANT, and HUGE and the decisions you make now will affect that financial picture for the rest of your life, and their next 20 years growing up. In the name of "love" and "trying to make my marriage work" i basically signed away a huge piece of my financial stability. NEVER again would i do that, and I have raised my kids the same way. Yes, love and marriage are important, but never at the cost of your own security and well-being.
My husband (age 24) and I (age 27) are currently
Do I give up my dream career to save my marriage and move to Oklahoma where there is so much uncertainty? Sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance for your advice.
Wow I feel like crying just reading your post........hhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm i'd say that your husband is a controlling man who wants to have a wife who is obedient and does what he says when he says do it..........i think a congrats are in order on your new career offer that is your dream job how many people get opportunities like that where they can work their dream job not too many.......I think you should make a decision by weighing the pros and cons of this situation and whichever one has more pros that is the decision you go with ........the question is will you be happy packing up and leaving LV to go to the country and live with your husband to make him happy or will you be happy working the dream job, paying your own bills without any help, working the hours you want, living in the city you are familiar with, still within reach of your family members who are always there to help you out............i say you should stay where you are and take that dream job and file for the divorce.........but only if the pros out weigh the cons now if the pros are more towards you moving to OKL then you'd be settling for less and unhappy but that is just my opinion.....it seems like you have made more sacrifices than your husband has.......thanks for sharing good luck i hope it works out for you........
Lori, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I hesitate to advocate divorce, but its hard to see any kind of light at the end of this tunnel. He essentially abadoned you to go back home to his mommy, which is totally co-depednent and immature. I understand that some cities are not for everyone, but really, as an adult, he can learn to get used to it. Why? Because who says you will be in Vegas forever? Nowadays, people move all the time for jobs and new opportunities. He's just not ready for marrige and the responsibilities that come with it.
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