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For what it's worth, I don't think you are whining. But you need to ask yourself why you need your family of origin so much. When my husband and I moved away from my family of origin, it was a difficult adjustment. But we had very young children, I was at home, and I felt isolated and didn't know anyone in the new place and I didn't particularly like the new place. In a perfect world I'd still rather my children live closer to their grandparents and their cousins, but it's not a perfect world. Do you stay at home with very young children? That can make you feel more isolated/lonely/disconnected. You have to remember your husband and children ARE your family and everyone else is icing on the cake. When it's just you and your family (no extended family around) you really can bond and make lots of family memories/traditions that maybe you wouldn't if you had others to depend on. And lastly, if you decide to move and take the children away from their father, your children may resent you when they get older.
What about compromising and living somewhere between SoCal and the NorthWest? Northern California? Portland? As close as you can be without it being too rainy.
I grew up in New England and I love it here. I would prefer never to leave the area. Meanwhile, my whole family moved to the SF Bay area of California about 12 years ago. And my boyfriend and I were in a long distance friendship first, he is originally from Florida. So... fortunately he likes it up in MA with me. I miss my family, but not that much. I could never live in CA, and neither could my boyfriend. My family has given up on persuading me to move. I guess that you need to decide who is the most important person in your life, your husband or your family. I'm sure that your husband hopes you pick him. Life is full of compromises and paths not taken. For the sake of your marriage and your daughter, try to find a happy compromise place to live.
I did actually suggest Reno area - half way between. I do have family there as well. He would probably do No. Cal, but I've not been up there much, and to be honest I'm not too fond of Cal. He wouldn't go for Reno either.
I guess I still have issues that I left everything for his job, but feels to me like he won't meet me halfway. I probably shouldn't have posted this, but was curious if others ever have this kind of issue. Been a bad few weeks for me.
The solution to me is clear: a compromise location. But you both effectively tried that (Arizona) and you essentially reneged on the deal. Either try another, final compromise location (neither SoCal nor the NW) or get a divorce lawyer, because it is clear that neither one of you is willing to compromise.
Actaully he lost his job there - we both liked Tucson. We have talked about Phoenix area, and I suppose that's the compromise. I just have had some depression issues on occasion and since we have had problems and are not close I really need the support of people who love me, which he knows. I guess the problem is we are kind of different people, and I'm having a hard time with it.
For what it's worth, I don't think you are whining. But you need to ask yourself why you need your family of origin so much. When my husband and I moved away from my family of origin, it was a difficult adjustment. But we had very young children, I was at home, and I felt isolated and didn't know anyone in the new place and I didn't particularly like the new place. In a perfect world I'd still rather my children live closer to their grandparents and their cousins, but it's not a perfect world. Do you stay at home with very young children? That can make you feel more isolated/lonely/disconnected. You have to remember your husband and children ARE your family and everyone else is icing on the cake. When it's just you and your family (no extended family around) you really can bond and make lots of family memories/traditions that maybe you wouldn't if you had others to depend on. And lastly, if you decide to move and take the children away from their father, your children may resent you when they get older.
Thanks. I guess the answer is I hoped we would make our own family, but we have had problems for several years, and he has kept me at a distance. We don't even feel close to each other, so being away from everyone and isolated makes it worse. I don't stay at home anymore, but I did lose my job 3-4 weeks ago, so am home all day. I don't do well without friends/family around. My previous job was 110 mles away, so while I did make friends there they are kind of far away.
Your last statement about my daughter is correct. I can't seem to do it even though in some ways I think it would also be better for her. She is an only child. She has cousins her age up there. When we were up there she changed so much - became more confident. She was off running around outside with her cousin playing outside. It's also the fact that I was raised in the country (at my sisters they were riding quads, which she's never done, and running in a 40 acre field). Here we play on the computer.
I am having a bad day. Sorry you guys.
Karla, I don't think your whining, your question is a valid one. I kinda know how you feel. My husband and I are extremely close to both of our families. We both grew up in families where you spent a lot of time together growing up with our cousins and going to family gatherings all the time. So last year, he had a job promotion 700 miles away from our families. This job promotion and the city we were moving was going to improve our life very much and the quality of life for our kids. We made the decision to move. It has been tough, but we go visit our families 2-3 times a year and they all come visit us a few times a year also. Do you work?? If not, is there any chance you can visit your family more? I do find that this does help. Do you have friends where you are now to support you? Does your daughter have good friends where you are? If not, that can be a big help to adjusting.
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Originally Posted by KarlaT2
Basically he told me to go ahead and move up there, but he won't. Have you ever had to deal with something like that?
For a husband to say this to his wife is quite disturbing to me. I can understand him not wanting to move there, but to not discuss and compromise with you or at least offer up something other than "go ahead" makes me wonder. I'm assuming other issues are going on?
Thanks. I guess the answer is I hoped we would make our own family, but we have had problems for several years, and he has kept me at a distance. We don't even feel close to each other, so being away from everyone and isolated makes it worse. I don't stay at home anymore, but I did lose my job 3-4 weeks ago, so am home all day. I don't do well without friends/family around. My previous job was 110 mles away, so while I did make friends there they are kind of far away.
Your last statement about my daughter is correct. I can't seem to do it even though in some ways I think it would also be better for her. She is an only child. She has cousins her age up there. When we were up there she changed so much - became more confident. She was off running around outside with her cousin playing outside. It's also the fact that I was raised in the country (at my sisters they were riding quads, which she's never done, and running in a 40 acre field). Here we play on the computer.
I am having a bad day. Sorry you guys.
Oops, sorry, I read this after I already posted, so you answered some of my questions. OK, before I respond again, do you want to leave this marriage?
I've always thought that if I loved my husband and he loved me, that we could live anywhere together and it wouldn't matter but then again, growing up, I lived in a lot of places and moved a lot. I got used to it and if and when it continued into my adult life, I was flexible with it.
I can be happy anywhere my hubby and I live because I'm happy with him.
That's my opinion.
I have a male friend who has this same issue with his wife and kids. His wife and kids want to move to Boston but he needs to stay in Orlando, FL for his job. They plan on being apart for a year or two until they can figure stuff out.
BUT maybe you need to get over not being with your family. MAKE friends, THEY will become your "second family" and there are kids everywhere. Plenty of people for your kid to play with...just try a new neighborhood.
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Shouldn't have dismissed your concern and probably the relocation is not your only problem. I'm really having a crappy day.
