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Old 04-25-2008, 08:30 PM
 
Location: Nothing could be finer... I'm in S. Carolina!!
1,294 posts, read 5,954,147 times
Reputation: 406

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I'll try to keep this short and sweet...

I'm 24, he's almost 26. We haven't been married even 2 years yet (May will be 2 years). We met during my sophomore year and his last semester in college. Right after he graduated, he moved four hours away to go to school. I got a good school schedule and drove back and forth for two years to visit him. He came to visit me when he could and especially on football weekends...haha.

We got engaged during my last semester of college and we got married that May. His parents bought him and his sister (who was also at the same school) a condo while they were in school. So when we got married, he moved out of the condo and we moved into a little apartment for six months until the sister graduated and we could both move back into the condo. We got our dog child four months in and she was the love of our lives. We don't have much of a sexual relationship anymore and haven't for a long while. We thought we were weird at first and now we just don't care. I used to love him so much and now I don't feel anything like I used to. I can't remember the last time I got butterflies. We hardly kiss. Our dog passed away at the beginning of the month. It was/is devastating and during the following week or so we were close and consoling each other but now it's back to being frenemies. We're either best friends or fighting; but never really feel like we're in love. He's addicted to the computer and sports and I'm probably on the computer more than I should be too.

He never plans dates and doesn't know how to talk at all. Instead of talking when I get upset, he just doesn't say anything b/c he says he doesn't know what to say. But on the outside, we're the perfect couple. My parents love him, his parents love me and we act like everything is fine to everyone else. He's still in school and is about to graduate and I had a job to pay for things, but I quit in December b/c I absolutely hated it. I thought it was the job making me unhappy and thought that when I quit the job, everything would get better, but it's really just gotten worse. We have money so don't really fight about that.

All I've ever wanted is to settle down and get a house by the lake with a yard for a dog and of course later wayyyy down the road have kids; but just enjoy working on a house and having a dog for a while. But he decides he wants to do an extra year of school so instead of looking at houses; we're moving half way across the country for a year where I have to find yet another crappy job to do for a year and be away from my family, friends, etc. And we will have a small apartment so we can't have a dog. It will basically just be us - and I'm scared to death. Sure, it may be good but what if we fight constantly for a year? I don't know what to do.

I'm not thinking of leaving or anything, but I'm not happy and don't know what to do to make it any better. I talk and talk and talk to him about it. WE fight all the time about the computer and his lack of effort - but feel it is his responsibility to show some effort at this point. I guess as weird as this sounds, I wanted him to be more like my dad and he's just not. He doesn't stick up for himself, he doesn't put me in my place, he doesn't plan things, doesn't sweep me off my feet, isn't physically attracted to me anymore - but he'll say this is all wrong and he wants to spend time with me and he wants to do this and that, but none of those wants ever materialize.

I could keep going, but this is already not short or sweet...thank you for any suggestions and feel free to fuss at me. I know I'm not perfect too.

Please don't tell me this is marriage. This is not fun.

Last edited by fisher33; 04-25-2008 at 08:36 PM.. Reason: typo
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:42 PM
 
Location: Texas
2,329 posts, read 6,133,787 times
Reputation: 1579
I suggest some marriage counciling.. It sounds that you are willing to work this out.. and I think you may need some professional help. You and him both go in and see why you are no longer in the same bingo game. To me it sounds like you both have already grown apart and didnt have anything in common? Not sure.. if you did or not.. do you both like the same things? Maybe work on getting together on doing things together.. heck if you are on the computer (not sure if you are gaming or what you are doing) but do the same thing.. to where you can actually play on there together or go do some stuff on the outside of your house together. Heck go barbequing every weekend.. find something that the both of you have in common and go do it.. bowl, shot guns, play golf.. do something together...

Suggest to him some dates that you would like to do.. I know.. he should be the one suggesting it.. but try starting it off.. see if he moves on it.. go to the movies or something.. eat something before hand.. heck go to the Gym together.. Find something that you both have in common.. if you cant.. then maybe that is what your problem is.. you have nothing in common..

Good luck!!
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:51 PM
 
Location: Nothing could be finer... I'm in S. Carolina!!
1,294 posts, read 5,954,147 times
Reputation: 406
we are together all the time. we play board games, go out to eat, play golf, are at home together, go to the pool together, etc. we don't have a house to work on, we live in a condo. i wish we had a house to work on together.

we really do get along as friends, but nothing else. we have almost gone to the movies a lot lately. we'll go out to eat and then are too full or are just tired and end up going home. or we'll rent a movie, go home and check our email and before we know it, it's 1:00 and we're too sleepy to watch the movie. we should go to the gym together, i should go to the gym period. i'm not overweight or anything, but i need to get toned. we've gone a few times together - doing things together hasn't been a problem. we get along fine as friends.

we've wondered if it's just us - if we really just don't care about anything sexual. i don't care most of the time; until i realize how weird we are and then it upsets me that we are like we are. we don't really have any friends here and probably won't have any in dallas either. maybe we need friends and to not be around each other so much. i just don't know.

thank you for your help and suggestions, stax.
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:00 PM
 
Location: Branson, Missouri
7,268 posts, read 16,845,135 times
Reputation: 3683
Show him what you posted to this forum and listen to what he has to say about it. It's time for some communication and to get these things worked out before they get worse.
Sometimes couples become too comfy with each other and quit trying. It's time to start trying again. Give it your best shot, and while I don't like broken marriages, sometimes you've got to let go if he's not willing to give you 100 percent and you give him 100 percent.
You can't have a decent marriage without communication.
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:07 PM
 
Location: Lexington, MA
250 posts, read 831,055 times
Reputation: 487
I'm not a really big fan of marriage counseling, myself - and I've been to a few over the years. I have found they're best at facilitating a discussion. Like, if spouses get to a point where they're just slinging stuff back and forth without really getting anywhere, the counselor can help facilitate the discussion so some communication takes place. But, at least in my case, no counselor really ever helped fix any problems. May be worth a try, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

What I do think you should do is to take care of yourself. I get the feeling that you look to him to make you happy somehow. Like you want to go to the gym - but together. I'd suggest you take the time to get toned and tanned. Work on making yourself really hot. And don't overlook those kegels! If he doesn't show any interest after that, then you've got some real problems.

But beyond that, I think you need to develop some interests and get involved in some activities for yourself and by yourself. Don't put yourself in a spot where he's your sole or even primary - source of happiness. Happiness is an inside job, so if you're not happy and he's not being abusive, I'd say to look at yourself first. This is important because a happy, independent, low-maintenance girl is very attractive... at least to me. And one who is constantly looking to me to do stuff to make her happy... well, that's not much of a turn-on for me at all.

So I'd say to start working on those two things... work out by yourself and for yourself and get yourself toned and tanned and then also find some things to do for yourself and by yourself to help you find some fulfillment without his involvement. Make yourself happy this way.

Then try answering the door wearing nothing but a pair of shoes some day when he comes home and see what happens.

Good luck!
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:13 PM
 
Location: Nothing could be finer... I'm in S. Carolina!!
1,294 posts, read 5,954,147 times
Reputation: 406
Those are great suggestions - working out and getting tan. I have been wanting to do that - except for answering the door wearing nothing. I'm just not like that. I've never been comfortable parading around in lingerie/ nothing, etc.

Also, what would make me happy would be to have a great job, a dog, a house with a yard, and a great husband - none of those things I have or can have right now. So how can I be happy? I can't have a great job b/c we're about to move and then getting a great job for one year is a long shot. I can't get another dog yet because I want a yard for it and I can't have a yard for at least another year b/c I have to move to an apartment for a year. Did I mention it was half way across the country?? haha. Sigh. So besides from getting tan and getting toned...don't know what else I can do. Maybe when we finally move, I can join some sort of group in TX. But who knows what kind. Maybe I'll find some friends at church.
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:16 PM
 
Location: Nothing could be finer... I'm in S. Carolina!!
1,294 posts, read 5,954,147 times
Reputation: 406
I wish I could just say no to moving and stay at home with my friends and family while he does his extra year, but then everyone would flip out - me not living with my husband is just "crazy".
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:28 PM
 
Location: Lexington, MA
250 posts, read 831,055 times
Reputation: 487
Quote:
Originally Posted by fisher33 View Post
Also, what would make me happy would be to have a great job, a dog, a house with a yard, and a great husband - none of those things I have or can have right now. So how can I be happy?
But all those are things outside of you and happiness is an inside job. From what you've described of your relationship, I can see you posting all the same gripes you have even if you had the dog, the house with the yard and a great husband. I really don't think any of those things will make you happy.

As for the job... that could be a help because you could find fulfillment in that. That is, it could help you to feel useful and to feel like your life has some meaning... that you are making a meaningful contribution. So having a decent job could be a help, imo, but not the other things you listed.

You've heard the phrase, "be true to yourself", right? Well, you need to figure out what it is within you - not outside of yourself - that is causing you to be unhappy, and take command of your life and fix those things. It's just too easy to blame people, places, and things for making us unhappy - and people, places, and things tend to be things we cannot change. And, really, I don't think those things have the power to really make us unhappy in any event - unless there's some real abuse taking place. But it doesn't sound like you have described an abusive relationship, so I think you need to stop placing blame outside of yourself and do what you need to do to make yourself happy. If you can do that, you may find the relationship as a whole turn around.

And, while you're at it, learn to answer that door wearing just the hump-me pumps.
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:49 PM
 
Location: Nothing could be finer... I'm in S. Carolina!!
1,294 posts, read 5,954,147 times
Reputation: 406
So basically I'm just screwed up inside. I don't know what will make me happy inside then, if you don't think any of the things will make me happy that I think will make me happy. I need to read my Bible everyday, pray, and go to church more, so maybe that's my problem inside. I don't know what will make me feel fulfilled inside. I honestly thought it was a husband, dog, and house and then doing some mission work.

It is a hard time right now - with me having no job and being in an empty house without Lucy here. And I'm dreading the move - really, really dreading it. But I haven't liked it here where we live either. I've always wanted to get back home; ever since I left pretty much to come here. I do like working, but I'm a workaholic and never could leave it alone hardly and then it drove me crazy. My dad says this is the (my last name here) in me; saying this is just the jinx of my genes. My mom puts up with a lot from him b/c of the way he is. I don't know. This is me frustrated.
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Old 04-25-2008, 10:13 PM
 
25,165 posts, read 47,301,031 times
Reputation: 6942
stats show that marriage counseling doesn't really work. Most couples break upafter marriage counseling too from what the stats show.

I think he is not interested in you any more and could be having an affair.

Quote:
Originally Posted by johnycakes View Post
I'm not a really big fan of marriage counseling, myself - and I've been to a few over the years. I have found they're best at facilitating a discussion. Like, if spouses get to a point where they're just slinging stuff back and forth without really getting anywhere, the counselor can help facilitate the discussion so some communication takes place. But, at least in my case, no counselor really ever helped fix any problems. May be worth a try, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

What I do think you should do is to take care of yourself. I get the feeling that you look to him to make you happy somehow. Like you want to go to the gym - but together. I'd suggest you take the time to get toned and tanned. Work on making yourself really hot. And don't overlook those kegels! If he doesn't show any interest after that, then you've got some real problems.

But beyond that, I think you need to develop some interests and get involved in some activities for yourself and by yourself. Don't put yourself in a spot where he's your sole or even primary - source of happiness. Happiness is an inside job, so if you're not happy and he's not being abusive, I'd say to look at yourself first. This is important because a happy, independent, low-maintenance girl is very attractive... at least to me. And one who is constantly looking to me to do stuff to make her happy... well, that's not much of a turn-on for me at all.

So I'd say to start working on those two things... work out by yourself and for yourself and get yourself toned and tanned and then also find some things to do for yourself and by yourself to help you find some fulfillment without his involvement. Make yourself happy this way.

Then try answering the door wearing nothing but a pair of shoes some day when he comes home and see what happens.

Good luck!
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