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Old 05-09-2008, 05:33 PM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 800,975 times
Reputation: 553

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Thanks Roselvr... I do have a blog on blogger but I haven't logged anything on it for some time. I could easily make it private, though, and start documenting all this stuff. Of course, a lot of the stuff I have seen I have noted here as well.

On the homefront, I have a desktop computer in my home office along with a laptop. My home office locks and no one but me has the key to it. My wife has her own laptop... I bought it a couple of years ago.. I'll have to think about the keystroke logger. Last I checked, the wife has set up her computer with her own user profile and password protected that.

 
Old 05-09-2008, 07:04 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,716 posts, read 31,030,974 times
Reputation: 6654
Quote:
Originally Posted by shuke View Post
Thanks Roselvr... I do have a blog on blogger but I haven't logged anything on it for some time. I could easily make it private, though, and start documenting all this stuff. Of course, a lot of the stuff I have seen I have noted here as well.

On the homefront, I have a desktop computer in my home office along with a laptop. My home office locks and no one but me has the key to it. My wife has her own laptop... I bought it a couple of years ago.. I'll have to think about the keystroke logger. Last I checked, the wife has set up her computer with her own user profile and password protected that.
Shuke, why are you still there. Its pretty clear that nothing is going to change but your still there, documenting more insanity and total disregard for your marriage and children on her part.

What is she going to have to do to make it bad enough for you to leave?
 
Old 05-09-2008, 07:15 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,173 posts, read 20,201,974 times
Reputation: 6225
Quote:
Originally Posted by shuke View Post
Thanks Roselvr... I do have a blog on blogger but I haven't logged anything on it for some time. I could easily make it private, though, and start documenting all this stuff. Of course, a lot of the stuff I have seen I have noted here as well.

On the homefront, I have a desktop computer in my home office along with a laptop. My home office locks and no one but me has the key to it. My wife has her own laptop... I bought it a couple of years ago.. I'll have to think about the keystroke logger. Last I checked, the wife has set up her computer with her own user profile and password protected that.
Can you get it away from her for a little while? There are ways Shuke when there is a will.

You might be able to bypass the main pass, then get in and install. You may even be able to run it from one of yours through the network, wouldn't doubt they had something like that. I can either find out or give you a link to find out.

If you run across spare time, go through posts and copy important info from here to the blogger then tweak it.
 
Old 05-09-2008, 07:28 PM
 
Location: Southern California
25,341 posts, read 24,141,953 times
Reputation: 23732
Shuke, I remember you from some months ago, the thing about the babysitter.

I hate it when things get this ugly. Why would you need to go into her computer? Leave with as much of your money as you still can, and your self-respect. Don't hunt all around trying to "prove" that your wife is insane. What's the point? If you really want to go...then go.

When I left my former husband, I didn't ask for alimony. I would rather have less financially than have to continue to see or speak with him. Money schmoney. I even paid his former garbage pickup bill ($600 plus) just to get him out of my hair-and at the time he was making double what I was, and was moving back home with his mother rent-free; I was making very little by comparison, and assuming a monthly rent. So what? It's money. It came and it went. But I had my self-respect and I was free.

Another thing is that if you're going to try to defame someone else, you'd better be sure your own character is lily-white first. And whose is? She's already shown herself to be a step ahead of you in withdrawing that money...was she a step ahead of you in spying on your comp as you're planning to spy on hers (unless I misunderstood that)? Not meaning to be harsh, Shuke, but if so, she has already seen your posts on this site saying you'd love to leave her but you don't want to spend the money, and that a better solution would be for you, her and the 18-year-old babysitter (who had no clue what your intentions were) to engage in a plural marriage. Just think about that for a second. Done? Good. Now think about it for another second. It's in writing. It's in your posts right here. Among other really, really off-the-beaten path, should we say, ideas.

Sorry to be so passionate about this, but I saw all this sh * te with my stepfather and my mother. Her lying about him ("He tried to beat me!") and him downloading things off her computer ("She's trying to cheat!") It was sickening; it was more like watching children fight with grown-up toys than anything else. Each was so anxious to unload about the "other's" horrid traits that very quickly, all of us--including my little brother, who was only 13 at the time!--had to hear incredibly hideous stuff that we never wanted to know about our own parents. Do you really want to do that to your kids? And do you really think they're not savvy enough to overhear even your most "private" conversations about this? Or to do some digging themselves, because they sense what a huge deal this is to both of you and it scares them not to know?

Don't be petty. Don't do petty things. Don't spy. Just go...that would be my advice. And good luck. I'm sure better things await you in the future.

Last edited by JerZ; 05-09-2008 at 07:47 PM..
 
Old 05-09-2008, 07:31 PM
 
Location: Southern California
25,341 posts, read 24,141,953 times
Reputation: 23732
p.s. There's a danger here in trying to prove her too crazy to take care of the kids (I'm assuming this must be what that's about? Custody? ETA: Wait, I tracked back, and yes it is). The danger is, any judge in the world, and certainly any attorney, is going to ask you, "If you are literally terrified for your children in her care, why did you leave them with her daily for years?" And it's a very good question. If you had literally thought she was mentally insane and yet you didn't leave her and try for custody of your children years ago, or else arrange for a full-time, full-year nanny or else daycare during non-school hours, then you're the one who is proving yourself as having been negligent of your children in the past.

Whatever happens, I again say that I do wish you happiness in the future. I just think you should think things through a bit more before indiscriminately slinging mud. Be careful, be honest, do the right thing by *all* the kids (not just your son) and good luck going forward to the future.

Last edited by JerZ; 05-09-2008 at 08:13 PM..
 
Old 05-09-2008, 08:19 PM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 800,975 times
Reputation: 553
JerZ, you're reading *way* more into this than what I have written. I have no intention of defaming my wife and, if you had read all of what I had written, you would have noted that I don't want to hurt her, either. But I don't want to screw myself over, either. And I have already explained why I am still there, so I won't go into that again. And I have also explained why I thought just getting physical custody of my boy was a good idea, so I won't reiterate all that again, either. But thanks for the good thoughts.
 
Old 05-09-2008, 08:38 PM
 
Location: Southern California
25,341 posts, read 24,141,953 times
Reputation: 23732
You're welcome and good luck.
 
Old 05-09-2008, 11:09 PM
 
206 posts, read 620,740 times
Reputation: 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
So what specifically does this mean? What do you need her to do chores-wise? I, myself, have a hard time staying on top of all the chores and it's just me and my husband. I spend about an hour cleaning/doing laundry each day, and it barely scratches the surface. While I work I don't have a full-time job, but I spend a lot of time on my intellectual development, and I would much rather be reading/studying/doing other intellectual things than doing housework any day. If I really put in all the hours to get everything done it would probably be about 3-4 hours a day. I don't put in that much because to me it's a waste of my time when I'm not working--I'd much rather be reading or studying or learning something.

I think that the stay-at-home spouse needs to be allowed downtime too, and time to nurture his/her intellect as well. In my opinion, the basic chores should be done most of the time: laundry, kitchen cleaned/dishes put away, beds made, laundry put away, counters wiped down in bathrooms, etc. but beyond that--like dusting, vacuuming every day, etc. seems unnecessary and I don't have the inclination to do housework beyond the basics--I find it much more important to read interesting books, study, have fun, etc.

So what are your minimum housework standards that you want her to do each day? Don't you think, though, that she deserves downtime/having fun time too? Of course, she sounds like she needs a better balance between housework/chores and fun, but she still deserves time for herself, right?

Doglover, I can see your point. I hate doing housework. However, I can also see Shukie's point. Athough, I work fulltime, go to grad school part time and have a very active toddler, I don't think I would be able to just look at a mess and not attempt to clean it up or lessen it. Of course Doglover, I can see what you mean about wanting to be able to read and do things like that. But if she is home all day, with no kids there...come on. My husband has been gone all week and our house is a mess. However, I would not want to walk into a messy house so I am going to pay $6 an hour to have a neighborhood child come over & play with my child so I can clean uninterupted. I know we are only hearing one side of the story, but I have to wonder if Mrs knows how he feels, why would she just not take some of the money she spends on everything else and use it for a housecleaner. or just pick up what she can.

I guess there is no real answer. Reading Shukie's blog has me really thinking about things. Shukie sort of scares me that he is so calculating. However, i would not be surprised if that is the reason that his wife married him. I would argue that she knew she would not have to think about things as he would be the one planning and researching. I wish you and all the people in your situation much luck.
 
Old 05-09-2008, 11:37 PM
 
206 posts, read 620,740 times
Reputation: 135
[quote=Roselvr;3707319]
Funny, I feel bad that I'm not super mom or super wife any more and to see able bodied people waste it... well it gets to me.



Ok, this is in response to just this quote & not Shukie's situation. I'm sorry, but in today's world most women work and they are still mom & wifey. Why do they need to be super wife. I think there are too many women out there that burn themselves down trying to be something that does not exist "a super wife or mom". Of course you are entitled to your opinion and I respect it. However, from another perspective, seeing women who wait on their men, children, pets, etc all day, while they grow more and more weary and try to be something that in reality is in possible..might get to that woman.

Don't get me wrong, I love to cook and pride myself in making treats for my child's daycare homemade and unique. I also try to cook healthy meals all of the time and keep the house up. However, don't think I won't buy some store bought brownies, pick up a rotisserie chicken (I can't do the McD or Bk as that does make me sick) or put all of the dirty clothes in a basket out of sight for the time being. I know everyone's situation is different but most people don't have time to be a Stepford Wife or Husband for that matter.

Last edited by pennylove76; 05-09-2008 at 11:46 PM..
 
Old 05-10-2008, 01:59 AM
 
Location: Southern California
25,341 posts, read 24,141,953 times
Reputation: 23732
[quote=pennylove76;3721940]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
Funny, I feel bad that I'm not super mom or super wife any more and to see able bodied people waste it... well it gets to me.



Ok, this is in response to just this quote & not Shukie's situation. I'm sorry, but in today's world most women work and they are still mom & wifey. Why do they need to be super wife. I think there are too many women out there that burn themselves down trying to be something that does not exist "a super wife or mom". Of course you are entitled to your opinion and I respect it. However, from another perspective, seeing women who wait on their men, children, pets, etc all day, while they grow more and more weary and try to be something that in reality is in possible..might get to that woman.

Don't get me wrong, I love to cook and pride myself in making treats for my child's daycare homemade and unique. I also try to cook healthy meals all of the time and keep the house up. However, don't think I won't buy some store bought brownies, pick up a rotisserie chicken (I can't do the McD or Bk as that does make me sick) or put all of the dirty clothes in a basket out of sight for the time being. I know everyone's situation is different but most people don't have time to be a Stepford Wife or Husband for that matter.
I agree with this. I am a Stepford wife and you know how I do it? By cleaning literally all day long. And I do mean all day long. When I don't have the kids at therapies (speech delay/autism) and parent participation class (the little one), I'm doing laundry which is daily, dish washing which is 3-4 times a day, mopping floors, vacuuming and my God, just cleaning up after the kids. I mean literally an hour after I've completely cleaned a room they can have it an unbelievable mess again. I also cook, of course. I'm not a great cook but I try very hard to make things that everyone will like and grow healthy on. (ETA: Oh, and I also freelance from home to bring in some clams to add to the family pot...because who ever sees that I've cleaned the house? Who ever stands back and claps or gives me a raise? It's so thankless sometimes, truly...and bringing in at least a few dollars is a concrete way of saying, "Look. I did something that someone finds worthwhile. He paid me to do it!")

My DH usually comes home to the house looking almost exactly the same way as when he left it. That's because I have cleaned it all day long--from 7:00 AM until 8:00 PM (when he gets home). A stranger might see the house at 7:00, then again at 8:00 PM and think, "This place looks exactly the same. I guess either she didn't touch it, or nobody messed it up today." No, it looks exactly the same because I chased around for 13 hours, literally. That's what it takes, when you have kids. You let it go one day, one day and it looks like you've never cleaned it a day in your life. Do you know how much you feel like drowning when you're in that situation day in and day out? And how easy it is to want to say "scr*w it" at some point?

Mrs. Shuke's kids are at school during the day, but if they're normal, average kids, they'll come home after school and have a pile of dishes in the sink, clothes strewn everywhere and the living room and bedrooms blown through like a tornado by 4:30 PM.

I'm sure at first Mrs. Shuke must have screamed her vocal cords raw telling the kids 900 times a day to pick up this or that, like most moms, and having one child be a special-needs child, has not really been listened to. Or I'm guessing, anyway. As the parent of a special-needs child who tries hard but just doesn't get it (he has autism), I can see that scenario.

It's easy when you're the one "expected" to do the cleaning (because you're "just sitting at home") to, after years of this, want to throw up your hands and give up. I have felt like that MANY times. I just didn't act on it--I can't stand a messy house, period. That's my own issue. Shuke says his wife didn't start slacking off until after their third child was born. Therefore, presumably, before that she was doing all the housework. Maybe she just burned out and got resentful...I can fully see that.

Not trying to stick up for Mrs. Shuke, just saying, it's easy to burn out on the thankless scutwork of being "the one who is just sitting at home".

Last edited by JerZ; 05-10-2008 at 02:13 AM..
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