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Old 04-30-2008, 09:58 AM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 800,569 times
Reputation: 553

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Thanks, vpcats. One other anomaly I was pondering: We had very different dads in terms of industriousness. I have memories of my dad traveling maybe 3 days out of 5, on average, and always having work to do at home and over the weekends. We had one single b&w tv in the house growing up, and he'd be sitting there at his desk (in the family room), pounding away on the typewriter, occasionally cursing about something, while my mother and I sat on the couch and watched tv. I can remember going into the office with him on Saturdays quite often... I'd string his secretary's paperclip together into one long string (until one day he came home and said she threw the chain down on his desk in front of him and said, 'here... you unstring them!'.

Her father, on the other hand, was always home in time for dinner, never had to do any work at home afterwards, and never worked a weekend.

And I look at that, and I think we each had some fundamental perception of what it is to be a father and a husband.... and she expected me to be like her dad, always home for dinner, basically 'off duty' when I got home, and weekends wide-open. While I had my dad's model which meant the workday didn't necessarily end when leaving the office. But the hell of it is, if I look at my peers, at any given point in my career, I never was viewed as the one who worked the most hours. On the contrary, at The Firm, I was viewed as the person who would draw a line as to what I was willing to do and what I would not do. But even there, I wouldn't have lasted long if I had tried leaving the office at 5pm with any regularity.

So I think she and I had a big expectation gap in this regard. And I still feel she doesn't fully understand that the lifestyle to which she has grown accustomed simply cannot be supported on a 9-5 job. yet, I think that is what she expects. She wants her hubby working the 9-5, no more, yet able to provide what she is presently enjoying. That's simply not reality.

 
Old 04-30-2008, 10:29 AM
 
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
8,292 posts, read 14,571,963 times
Reputation: 6980
Totally agree with your analysis and I know that you don't get ahead without long hours and sacrifices. Unfortunately, those sacrifices can have huge repercussions. But it's like dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.

Now-a-days, we don't have the luxury of one parent staying at home all the time and it's even worse when it's a single parent household. There is so much we have to do and so many places to go. We want it all. Our basic necessities used to be luxuries for our parents and grandparents.

I don't know how some couples can have only one working parent and still own a home, go on vacations, private schools, several cars... but it happens so something must be compromised, just like compromises happen when both parents have to work.

So who's going to pay for the wife's attorney? Do you think this will be a contested divorce?
 
Old 04-30-2008, 10:58 AM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 800,569 times
Reputation: 553
Quote:
Originally Posted by vpcats View Post
So who's going to pay for the wife's attorney? Do you think this will be a contested divorce?
I don't know how the wife's attorney will get paid. Mine has just said that her attorney would be paid "from marital assets", which is lawyer-speak for I get to pay for him, I guess. I know she'll go to the mat to avoid geting a job to pay for it!
 
Old 04-30-2008, 11:01 AM
 
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
8,292 posts, read 14,571,963 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shuke View Post
I don't know how the wife's attorney will get paid. Mine has just said that her attorney would be paid "from marital assets", which is lawyer-speak for I get to pay for him, I guess. I know she'll go to the mat to avoid geting a job to pay for it!
Ahhhhh and the plot thickens.

Watch your wallet otherwise all those hours will have been for naught!

I don't know how these divorces actually work. When I did mine, I just said I want a divorce and I am getting full custody. Our best man was a attorney and he was actually the one to divorce me. I didn't want house or anything else, and I've worked hard for the money....

Can you be responsible for all the expenses IF you get full custody? Can you handle 3 kids + 2 households? Can you do that with a caveat about her having to work to pay for her own personal expenses?
 
Old 04-30-2008, 11:05 AM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 800,569 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vpcats View Post
Ahhhhh and the plot thickens.

Watch your wallet otherwise all those hours will have been for naught!
No, I fully expect this will pretty much wipe me out. But remember... I look at what will happen in the long run. If I don't do this now, I will get the same result, at the latest, when the youngest child moves out of the house - but I will have fewer earning years left and it'll cost me a lot more then. Contrast that with the notion that I am convinced I can start with nothing right now and wind up with more in 20 years than I would have by staying married to her and assuming no divorce ever. So from an economic perspective, I have no problem doing this right now.
 
Old 04-30-2008, 11:15 AM
 
Location: Where we enjoy all four seasons
20,799 posts, read 8,530,432 times
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Shuke....we had friends who ended up in divorce court with a situation similar to yours....she did not work or if she did, she kept quitting...when it came to a settlement the judge awarded her $1 and told her to get off her butt and get a job!

See..there's hope.
 
Old 04-30-2008, 11:20 AM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 800,569 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyworld View Post
Shuke....we had friends who ended up in divorce court with a situation similar to yours....she did not work or if she did, she kept quitting...when it came to a settlement the judge awarded her $1 and told her to get off her butt and get a job!

See..there's hope.
HA! That would bring me some satisfaction to see that!
 
Old 04-30-2008, 02:04 PM
 
15,187 posts, read 16,035,343 times
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If your wife is as lazy as you say, then you might think about not fighting for custody at all. If she gets the kids, she'll feel like she won, but she won't really want to take care of them and I bet she'll end up letting you take them more and more. You'll be paying child support of course, but, depending on your state laws, you can probably go back and revisit the child support issue if it turns out you have the kids most of the time anyway. You might think about talking to your attorney about that type of strategy anyway and what you would need to document that they were spending most of their time with you.
 
Old 04-30-2008, 02:12 PM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 800,569 times
Reputation: 553
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
If your wife is as lazy as you say, then you might think about not fighting for custody at all. If she gets the kids, she'll feel like she won, but she won't really want to take care of them and I bet she'll end up letting you take them more and more. You'll be paying child support of course, but, depending on your state laws, you can probably go back and revisit the child support issue if it turns out you have the kids most of the time anyway. You might think about talking to your attorney about that type of strategy anyway and what you would need to document that they were spending most of their time with you.
Not a bad idea, Marlow. I had actually thought of just letting her get what she axed for without a fight. You know the old adage, be careful what you ask for... you might just get it. I may ask about that tomorrow, but what would concern me the most about that is that, rather than letting me have them more and more, she might see the kids as a burden and get angry with them, resulting in lots of yelling by her at them, still no decent food, still no effort at maintaining a clean house by her, and so forth... basically, those kids could have a tough go of it before I could step in to get the situation corrected.
 
Old 04-30-2008, 02:28 PM
 
15,187 posts, read 16,035,343 times
Reputation: 25076
Quote:
Originally Posted by shuke View Post
Not a bad idea, Marlow. I had actually thought of just letting her get what she axed for without a fight. You know the old adage, be careful what you ask for... you might just get it. I may ask about that tomorrow, but what would concern me the most about that is that, rather than letting me have them more and more, she might see the kids as a burden and get angry with them, resulting in lots of yelling by her at them, still no decent food, still no effort at maintaining a clean house by her, and so forth... basically, those kids could have a tough go of it before I could step in to get the situation corrected.
I thought about that too--that your kids could really suffer in the interim. But you'll at least have standard visitation and will be able to keep an eye on them that way--to look for signs of neglect. Is there any chance she'll want to move far away with them? That would be another reason to fight hard up front. In any case, it will be something to talk to your lawyer about.

Also (and I'm not saying this as a happy thing), she might fall completely apart and really not be able to take care of them. If she can't fix them a real dinner now, how is she going to function when she really is on her own? Or, I suppose she might hear the "Rocky music" and rally. Oh well, you'll just have to see how it plays out.

If you do end up with the kids, you'll have to ask that competent, college-age girl for babysitting help. Now that would be a dang shame.
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