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Old 04-30-2008, 02:37 PM
 
662 posts, read 5,147,670 times
Reputation: 681

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Quote:
Originally Posted by shuke View Post
Thanks, vpcats. One other anomaly I was pondering: We had very different dads in terms of industriousness. I have memories of my dad traveling maybe 3 days out of 5, on average, and always having work to do at home and over the weekends. We had one single b&w tv in the house growing up, and he'd be sitting there at his desk (in the family room), pounding away on the typewriter, occasionally cursing about something, while my mother and I sat on the couch and watched tv. I can remember going into the office with him on Saturdays quite often... I'd string his secretary's paperclip together into one long string (until one day he came home and said she threw the chain down on his desk in front of him and said, 'here... you unstring them!'.

Her father, on the other hand, was always home in time for dinner, never had to do any work at home afterwards, and never worked a weekend.

And I look at that, and I think we each had some fundamental perception of what it is to be a father and a husband.... and she expected me to be like her dad, always home for dinner, basically 'off duty' when I got home, and weekends wide-open. While I had my dad's model which meant the workday didn't necessarily end when leaving the office. But the hell of it is, if I look at my peers, at any given point in my career, I never was viewed as the one who worked the most hours. On the contrary, at The Firm, I was viewed as the person who would draw a line as to what I was willing to do and what I would not do. But even there, I wouldn't have lasted long if I had tried leaving the office at 5pm with any regularity.

So I think she and I had a big expectation gap in this regard. And I still feel she doesn't fully understand that the lifestyle to which she has grown accustomed simply cannot be supported on a 9-5 job. yet, I think that is what she expects. She wants her hubby working the 9-5, no more, yet able to provide what she is presently enjoying. That's simply not reality.
Did you and your wife have conversations about whether you or not you should go for a less demanding type of position when you were considering leaving the firm? Did she realize then that she needed a certain level of attention from you? I, myself, am a high maintenance woman in the sense that I need a lot of attention from my husband. While my husband works very long hours, he is "off duty" when he comes home, and I expect a certain amount of attention from him when he's home. Did you and your wife consider having you find a different type of position/career that would free up your time more so that when you came home you'd be off duty?

While I certainly understand that your wife wanted more attention from you, what about you? I'm sure when you came home you were tired and weren't able to fully embrace your home life, especially since you had work to do after work hours and on weekends. Were you happy with this arrangement? Did you consider a different type of career/position where you'd have more free time? I realize that a comfortable living is important but what about free time for not only your family but hobbies and interests, etc.?

 
Old 04-30-2008, 02:42 PM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 800,569 times
Reputation: 553
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I thought about that too--that your kids could really suffer in the interim. But you'll at least have standard visitation and will be able to keep an eye on them that way--to look for signs of neglect. Is there any chance she'll want to move far away with them? That would be another reason to fight hard up front. In any case, it will be something to talk to your lawyer about.

Also (and I'm not saying this as a happy thing), she might fall completely apart and really not be able to take care of them. If she can't fix them a real dinner now, how is she going to function when she really is on her own? Or, I suppose she might hear the "Rocky music" and rally. Oh well, you'll just have to see how it plays out.

If you do end up with the kids, you'll have to ask that competent, college-age girl for babysitting help. Now that would be a dang shame.
Oh yeah... she was hot!! And she kept up with all the work and did all the stuff my wife claims she cannot do. She might be getting a bit old for me now, though... turned 19 back in January.

It is possible that my wife might ask to leave the state with them. She's from West Virginia, and I know she yearns to return to the South. She never has really liked New England. But I would fight that one hard on a number of grounds... quality of schools is significantly less, and quality of medical care is significantly lower. And our boy is seeing a specialist at Mass. General Hospital (MGH) for his condition... this doctor could not be replaced except by a select few doctors in the country, so she would have a hard time saying he could get adequate care down in the 'holler.
 
Old 04-30-2008, 02:48 PM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 800,569 times
Reputation: 553
Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
Did you and your wife have conversations about whether you or not you should go for a less demanding type of position when you were considering leaving the firm? Did she realize then that she needed a certain level of attention from you? I, myself, am a high maintenance woman in the sense that I need a lot of attention from my husband. While my husband works very long hours, he is "off duty" when he comes home, and I expect a certain amount of attention from him when he's home. Did you and your wife consider having you find a different type of position/career that would free up your time more so that when you came home you'd be off duty?

While I certainly understand that your wife wanted more attention from you, what about you? I'm sure when you came home you were tired and weren't able to fully embrace your home life, especially since you had work to do after work hours and on weekends. Were you happy with this arrangement? Did you consider a different type of career/position where you'd have more free time? I realize that a comfortable living is important but what about free time for not only your family but hobbies and interests, etc.?
I discussed everything with her. She didn't care for life at The Firm at all because it consumed tremendous amounts of my time. In my industry, a certain amount of stress and personal sacrifice comes with the territory. I like my career and I was able to function in the Big 4 environment just fine. The idea behind leaving The Firm was to free up more time at home... and it did. But then more kids got added, too, and then the education program came along. I'm now at the point where I have the free time available again. Certain times of the year I still have to "suck it up", but for much of the time, I have fairly decent working hours and I'm making more than I was at The Firm. And the business I'm in is largely recession-proof, so we aren't adversely affected by this economy. I would not be willing to make a total career change to a different field just so she could get more attention.
 
Old 04-30-2008, 02:58 PM
 
Location: England
1,171 posts, read 2,185,778 times
Reputation: 1007
I know a guy, his son goes to the same school as my son, his wife doesn't work. He works full time hours and more - AND he drops the kids off at school and picks them up. He takes them swimming on Satuday - wfe no where to be seen!! When her youngest son was 2 she had a childminder for him - because she needed time to tidy the house!! She only had the 2 year old at the time and a 7 year old and she didn't even work!! She is nice enough, but whilst she looks as fresh as a daisy, her poor husband looks older and more worn out by the day. I'm surprised she hasn't noticed - or is it because she just doesn't care? Your wife may be fed up - but when you have kids you have to put them first. No excuses.
 
Old 04-30-2008, 03:36 PM
 
Location: The #1 sunshine state, Arizona.
12,172 posts, read 15,004,541 times
Reputation: 64014
Quote:
Originally Posted by itlchick View Post
20 thousand dollars on a credit card?!?!? Geez!

Thanks, lady, that makes all us women look just great....
Really, what did she buy?
 
Old 04-30-2008, 03:40 PM
 
662 posts, read 5,147,670 times
Reputation: 681
Quote:
Originally Posted by shuke View Post
She didn't care for life at The Firm at all because it consumed tremendous amounts of my time. In my industry, a certain amount of stress and personal sacrifice comes with the territory. I like my career and I was able to function in the Big 4 environment just fine. The idea behind leaving The Firm was to free up more time at home... and it did. But then more kids got added, too, and then the education program came along. I'm now at the point where I have the free time available again. Certain times of the year I still have to "suck it up", but for much of the time, I have fairly decent working hours and I'm making more than I was at The Firm. And the business I'm in is largely recession-proof, so we aren't adversely affected by this economy. I would not be willing to make a total career change to a different field just so she could get more attention.
I see where you're coming from, but if your wife didn't like how things were at the firm, how come you didn't consider a change of job type in the same industry to where there wouldn't be as many demands on you? I understand why you wouldn't want to change fields, but maybe you could have found a job in your same field that was less demanding/less prestigious in title? Isn't the quality of one's marriage more important than one's career path? To me, it is. I know that you and your wife have had problems, but do you ever wonder if whether you had given her the attention/time that she needed, then maybe you wouldn't be getting a divorce now? Maybe her constant shopping/spending of the past few years is to fill up the empty void where she craved attention from you. Did you ever address that with her?

If my spouse was constantly bothered by my hours or very much wanted more attention from me, and I had a demanding job, then I would change jobs. I know that the concept of career is important but isn't quality time with your spouse also just as important?

I have complained about my husband's hours in the past and asked him to find a different job with better hours, which he agreed to do for his next job change. Even if that means dropping in prestige, he's willing to do that because he also thinks it's important that we spend lots of quality time together. I'm just wondering if perhaps thinking more about this issue a few years ago might have prevented the series of events that you're now dealing with from happening. There are always options; perhaps you could have gone back to school (for an MBA or something) and changed fields to something more family friendly in terms of hours.

As a woman, I know how important it is to get attention from your spouse, and how that makes you feel loved. I personally need a lot of attention from my spouse. I would be majorly pissed and resentful if my husband always had work to do once he was home from work or on the weekends. Maybe the same isn't true for men, I don't know. I just wonder why the two of you didn't make together time a priority instead of work, even if that meant a reduction in income--i.e. being more available for each other a few years ago, so that your wife would have her needs for attention met.
 
Old 04-30-2008, 03:40 PM
 
20,417 posts, read 26,539,344 times
Reputation: 13111
It's about time you got back here. And yeah, what kind of crap did she buy with the 20K? Did she get any good Coach bags?
 
Old 04-30-2008, 03:50 PM
 
Location: friendswood texas
2,489 posts, read 6,448,954 times
Reputation: 3061
Shuke, glad to see you back. I always wondered how you were faring. I am sorry that you had to make such a tough decision and I hope it works out for the best for you.
 
Old 04-30-2008, 04:44 PM
 
Location: Bike to Surf!
3,080 posts, read 9,686,045 times
Reputation: 2977
Wow, 7AM to 7:30PM or later?! And weekends!? Your job must be more fun that a barrel of monkeys! I can't think of anything that I could stand to do for 12+ hours a day 5-6 days a week! I mean, I like my job, but I like it about 40 hours a week and maybe a little more when exciting things happen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
I personally need a lot of attention from my spouse... ...Maybe the same isn't true for men, I don't know.
I think it can be true. I used to treat the women in my life as another one of my hobbies that I had to "make time for." Being by myself or being around them, I could take it or leave it. Spending more than a few hours with them or "giving up" some time at work or pursuing a hobby could feel like a burden.

Then one day I found one that I loved being with every second. Lucky us, though we work separately, we're right next to each other so we get to spend the other 15 hours/day + lunch together. (Though sometimes we sneak in an hour or so to pursue an interest that the other doesn't share.)
 
Old 04-30-2008, 06:44 PM
 
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
8,292 posts, read 14,571,963 times
Reputation: 6980
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metlakatla View Post
It's about time you got back here. And yeah, what kind of crap did she buy with the 20K? Did she get any good Coach bags?
LOLLLLL.... maybe she'll end up putting them on EBay or Craiglist to make credit card payments for the other necessities she'll be needing, then Shuke can let us know and we can get a great deal! Yeah, I like Coach too.
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