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Old 05-02-2008, 01:50 PM
 
Location: NJ
7,129 posts, read 13,856,217 times
Reputation: 3873

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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
If my spouse was constantly bothered by my hours or very much wanted more attention from me, and I had a demanding job, then I would change jobs. I know that the concept of career is important but isn't quality time with your spouse also just as important?
Reread what he posted, he did change jobs to one where he was not working as much. They ended up having kids, he was trying to divide his time between everyone. Once you have kids, priorities change, they come 1st and that's what he did.

Everything he did, he did to make a better life for them and he did. It got to a point after she had the last child that she couldn't snap out of it and everything fell on him. She does nothing. Find his other post, it will give you more insight to the situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
I have complained about my husband's hours in the past and asked him to find a different job with better hours, which he agreed to do for his next job change. Even if that means dropping in prestige, he's willing to do that because he also thinks it's important that we spend lots of quality time together. I'm just wondering if perhaps thinking more about this issue a few years ago might have prevented the series of events that you're now dealing with from happening.
His wife is bipolar and doesn't take her meds regularly. How do you work with that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
As a woman, I know how important it is to get attention from your spouse, and how that makes you feel loved. I personally need a lot of attention from my spouse. I would be majorly pissed and resentful if my husband always had work to do once he was home from work or on the weekends. Maybe the same isn't true for men, I don't know. I just wonder why the two of you didn't make together time a priority instead of work, even if that meant a reduction in income--i.e. being more available for each other a few years ago, so that your wife would have her needs for attention met.
I don't think you are the typical woman, I'm not saying that in a bad way. We all need different things. I like things 50/50, plus me time, but I don't require all of his free time as I like my own alone time as well.

Time taken away from Mrs Shuke was due to her own doing. She didn't work, nor did she do anything in the house, it all fell on him. Work, kids, house.. all him. Where does he find time for her when he probably doesn't even have time for himself?

 
Old 05-06-2008, 10:09 AM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 132,103 times
Reputation: 553
So I spoke with Mrs. Shuke about going through the Big D on Sunday... at first she was a bit taken aback that I was that far along in my state of fed-upness.

"Is that what you want?" she asked....
"Not really, but I don't see this marriage concluding any other way, whether it's now or 15 years from now" I replied...
"Have you got an attorney?" she inquired....
"Yes, I do."
"Have you met with him?"
"Yes, I have.... for a couple of hours."
"What's his name?" -
I give her the guy's name...
"Block out some time so we can talk about this."...

So last night, after the kids had gone to bed, we talked a little bit. I told her I was fed up with the marriage counselling (we've been to 3 counselors over the course of 3+ years) because none of MY issues ever get addressed. It always focuses on why I'm angry all the time and how I'm not available for her, physically or emotionally, and so forth... but never any resolution to the things that are important to me. [And what I'm angry with is her just seeming to be 'along for the ride', as it were, doing as little as she can get away with around the house, allowing me to do what needs to be done that she hasn't done, and spending beyond our means. In short, I am angry with the very issues that aren't being resolved through marriage counseling. Instead, she just wants to focus on the anger itself. And it's not like I hit her or throw things. I have been known to yell, though, but even this has pretty much gone away since last fall when I was still holding out hope for this marriage].

And last night's discussion wasn't much better. After about 20 minutes of her justifying run-away spending and trying to tell me how busy she is during the day that she just cannot stay on top of the day-to-day chores, I finally concluded nothing was going to change, and I basically told her that. That if nothing is going to change, this marriage is over.

Then she brought it up again this morning... I had to leave early, but I got that laundry put away and did my other morning chores. She wanted to know how much the retainer was going to be for my attorney... told her.... now she's starting to see big bucks flying out the window on lawyers fees. I told her the divorce would 'wipe us out' financially, but I felt I could start with zero right now and still finish with more after 20 years by myself than I could if I stayed married to her and enduring the status quo.

Also told her it was tough to feel very affectionate towards someone who really didn't do anything that was of value to me... I have asked her (recently) what she did all day and was told it was none of my business... and that before she was going to get any more attention from me, she'd have to start getting with the program.... carry her load with the chores and live within our means for a change. Oh yeah, I threw in that image my shrink used to describe the relationship.... that the marriage is akin to two oxen pulling a cart, but in our case, one of the oxen was sitting in the cart. I told her that I've been pulling her in that cart since 2003 and I'm tired of it.

She asked me what my attorney told me I could expect as far as a settlement goes... I told her I wouldn't answer that question and that she needs to speak to her own attorney about that.

Now, this morning, she called up to tell me she had made some progress in cleaning up the kitchen, but had got distracted in putting together a toy for our 5 year-old (it was the 5 year-old's birthday last Saturday and she got a present from someone that looks like it's defective). So she said she was going to have to put the cleaning on hold to run to Toys-R-Us with the gift receipt to exchange for a new one. She's trying to help me understand how she gets nothing done during the day, and I do need to understand that. I just told her that it it were me, I'd explain to the 5 year-old that the present is defective and that we'll exchange it this week, but not necessarily today.... then combine that errand with some other errands so she's not killing half the day just to set up one $20 toy the 5 year-old got for her birthday.

And so the story continues.... sounds like Mrs. Shuke is trying to make some effort at postponing the Big D, anyhow. We'll have to wait and see how this works out.
 
Old 05-06-2008, 10:51 AM
 
Location: NJ
7,129 posts, read 13,856,217 times
Reputation: 3873
Shuke, glad to see things are happening and maybe, just maybe she will wake up. Is that what you want right now or are you really done? You need to decide if you will give her another chance or not and if not, tell her that.

I do know what it's like to do so many things but still manage to get stuff done. I'm not buying that she gets side tracked every day as it sounds like she does nothing, all day, every day. If she would clean & do laundry on weekends while you watched the kids it would be a different story, but she doesn't.

Good job not telling her what your attorney said, it is none of her business & if her attorney stinks, well you will walk away with more.

the kids toy: depends on the 5 year old but one of mine would have been really upset, it's happened a few times, my other wouldn't care if it was put off. We live about 30+ minutes from stores, so we aren't exactly close.
 
Old 05-06-2008, 11:04 AM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 132,103 times
Reputation: 553
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
Shuke, glad to see things are happening and maybe, just maybe she will wake up. Is that what you want right now or are you really done? You need to decide if you will give her another chance or not and if not, tell her that.
Thanks. Yes, I look at the divorce as a last resort. It's expensive and painful and I will only go through with that if it looks like my deal-breaker items won't be addressed to my satisfaction. And I'm a believer in progress not perfection, too, I might add, so it's not like I'm looking for her to instantly have everything nice. But I am tired of coming home to a home that looks like a wreck... I told her I have about 20 good earning years left before retirment (age 48 now), and I don't want to retire the way her parents retired... in debt and living hand-to-mouf. I want to retire the way my parents retired (my dad has the first dollar he ever earned) and not have to worry about whether I can make ends meet.

So, as far as I'm concerned, we've both said our piece. At this point, actions speak louder than words. I'm willing to be more available to her and to be more friendly and so forth, but she's got to start pulling her own weight and show that she's comfortable living within our means.

It's funny, though... on at least a half-dozen occasions within the past year, when I have complained about what a wreck the house was - and not complained in a loud or boisterous way, just flat-out said the place was a mess and perhaps asked what she did all day long - she would invite me to live elsewhere. Last time was back in February and I told her I would make that deciison after April 15th. Now that I did make the decision and take the first step towards the door, I she's starting to sing a different tune.
 
Old 05-06-2008, 11:18 AM
 
Location: Earth
3,797 posts, read 4,348,548 times
Reputation: 2494
Hey Shuke, sounds like you're in a complicated situation. Getting a divorce is never an easy decision. Why are you not living seperate? Before you jump into divorce I think you need to be seperated first. Are you trying to hang the divorce over her in an attempt to get her to step up to the plate?

Let the process happen gradually rather than ripping it apart too soon. That is all.
 
Old 05-06-2008, 11:28 AM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 132,103 times
Reputation: 553
Quote:
Originally Posted by moonsavvy View Post
Hey Shuke, sounds like you're in a complicated situation. Getting a divorce is never an easy decision. Why are you not living seperate? Before you jump into divorce I think you need to be seperated first. Are you trying to hang the divorce over her in an attempt to get her to step up to the plate?

Let the process happen gradually rather than ripping it apart too soon. That is all.
No, we're not living separately, and no, I'm not holding the divorce over her head. I was/am fully prepared to proceed with the divorce. She appears to be willing to address my concerns now that she sees I'm not bluffing. Shouldn't I give her the chance?

And the problem with living separately are twofold. First, she would be sheltered from the full impact of having to pay for all the stuff I presently pay for because we own the home jointly and my name is still on the mortgage, on the insurance, on the utilities, etc. I would be willing to consider living separately if we had a separate maintenance agreement that would basically spell out my financial obligation to her (similar to child support and alimony) so she could really get a feel for what living separately would be like. But more importantly, I'm not going to be waffling in this as far as the kids are concerned. When I move out, I will be OUT. I'm only going to put the kids through this once and, so far, they have been sheltered from this dispute and don't realize how close I am to really moving out. When and if I do move out, I won't reverse the decision, so I want to exhaust every opportunity before going down that path.
 
Old 05-06-2008, 12:46 PM
 
Location: NoVa
17,999 posts, read 17,783,030 times
Reputation: 18309
Hey Shukie, what are the laws in your state according to divorce? Here in my lovely state, I have to be separated 1 year before filing for divorce, because we have children.

6 months without children.

You can go straight into divorce?

My wasband is threatening me on how he has all his i's dotted, t's crossed.. I better look out, blah blah blah.....

I am glad you are looking out for your childrens best interest, that is so very important.

He and I talked about us separating, then decided to talk to the kids. He told me if I didn't tell them his way, that he would immediately tell them it was all my fault, etc.

So, I did it his way, best as possible, and we told the kids he would be moving out at a certain point.

He changed his mind a week or so later, and said he wasn't going anywhere, that I could move out and take the cats with me, and leave the kids.

Then, and infront of the kids, he decided he wanted to keep ds and I should take dd.

I felt I should not have to move out and he was very unwilling to leave. I let him know that, and he just flat out refused. He kept threatening me over the kids.

I finally decided enough was enough, and I got a place. Worked my butt off, and with help from others, put the deposit down for the last month, paid for the first month, and the rent on the place we were living. My Gosh was that ever the hardest thing...

We left with just about nothing, and thats almost still what we have now. Several times since then he did not see the kids and told them I wouldn't let him. So many times he did that.

So many times he has been underhanded, and continues to do so. Does nothing in the best interest of his children, but in the best interest of himself and his mother.

Shuke, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be...

Robyn
 
Old 05-06-2008, 01:08 PM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 132,103 times
Reputation: 553
Quote:
Originally Posted by cinderobyn View Post
Hey Shukie, what are the laws in your state according to divorce? Here in my lovely state, I have to be separated 1 year before filing for divorce, because we have children.

6 months without children.

You can go straight into divorce?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Shuke, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be...

Robyn
Thanks, Robyn. As far as I know, Massachusetts does not have any required period of separation first. My attorney asked if I was still living in the house; I said I was. His only comment was that I might find it uncomfortable living there after negoatiations started and, at that point, I might want to move out. But no mention of any requirements in that regard.

Our situation is considerably less hostile than yours, thank God. I have no idea how it will all work out.. I fully expected mrs. shuke to say, "fine" when I said I thought the marriage was pretty much at an end. I know she had at least researched matrimonial law and had made at least one phone call to a divorce attorney. So I knew she was thinking along those lines - and I knew she was thinking that way, seemingly seriously, for longer than I was. So I really expected her to quickly agree to divorce. And she still might... don't underestimate how lazy she can be! I am very cognizant of her ability to put together a good short-term rally to head off disaster and then fall back into her old ways. In fact, that's more or less what I'm expecting to happen this time, but if she's willing to make a serious effort at making it work, then so am I. But, like I said, in the past, with marriage counseling, the things that were issues for me just weren't addressed in any meaningful way.... this will be the first time that I feel like she's really working at that. Then it'll just be a question of whether it's a short-term effort or part of a long-term commitment.
 
Old 05-06-2008, 02:30 PM
 
Location: Earth
3,797 posts, read 4,348,548 times
Reputation: 2494
Quote:
Originally Posted by shuke View Post
I'm only going to put the kids through this once and, so far, they have been sheltered from this dispute and don't realize how close I am to really moving out.
You're kidding yourself if you think subjecting your children to the toxic environment that your wife and yourself are providing is sheltering your children. Parent's yelling at each other is devastating to children. I do feel for you though and whatever happens I wish you the best.
 
Old 05-06-2008, 03:41 PM
 
Location: NJ
7,129 posts, read 13,856,217 times
Reputation: 3873
I don't have time right now, but if you look here, you should be able to find one site that will tell you if you have the year apart or not. I looked at the 1st 4 links and did not see anything. This one was pretty good click here. Looks like it's a no fault state. You would tell your attorney to file papers, then you start the division. With most though, by the time it is done it's a year or more later depending on how messy it is.

You usually have to serve the person, this starts everything, saying you are living seprate & don't want to continue to be married. You want to look up child support or ask your attorney for the work sheet. Online link (http://www.lawlib.state.ma.us/support.html - broken link).. they have the worksheets there.

Either your attorney will get child support started or you will get a court date. With one of mine, I had a court date within a month because he left me with no money & I didn't work. He was ordered to cut me a check right there. Whatever you do, make sure it goes through the state agency, asap. I know someone that sends the ex checks and she never cashes them. Probably to make him look bad, saying they were never sent. He said, she said. It is in your best interests to send it to the child support division.

You seem like a tolerant guy, heck you went through 3 years of counseling. How could she not know you were serious? If you do decide to cut her a break, you should set realistic goals or she will string you along, being good for a few months, then back to being lazy. My 1st ex was like this, it lasted over a year like that till I finally had enough.

You are a grown man and can make up your own mind. You know her, I do not. The longer you let it go on, the more potential there is for 1) her to charge as much as she wants, I actually would close the charge accounts and do it now 2) you may get a raise, meaning she will be entitled to more. You have a lot to lose Shuke and if I was you, she would be on a short leash as my dad would say.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shuke View Post
Thanks, Robyn. As far as I know, Massachusetts does not have any required period of separation first. My attorney asked if I was still living in the house; I said I was. His only comment was that I might find it uncomfortable living there after negoatiations started and, at that point, I might want to move out. But no mention of any requirements in that regard.

Our situation is considerably less hostile than yours, thank God. I have no idea how it will all work out.. I fully expected mrs. shuke to say, "fine" when I said I thought the marriage was pretty much at an end. I know she had at least researched matrimonial law and had made at least one phone call to a divorce attorney. So I knew she was thinking along those lines - and I knew she was thinking that way, seemingly seriously, for longer than I was. So I really expected her to quickly agree to divorce. And she still might... don't underestimate how lazy she can be! I am very cognizant of her ability to put together a good short-term rally to head off disaster and then fall back into her old ways. In fact, that's more or less what I'm expecting to happen this time, but if she's willing to make a serious effort at making it work, then so am I. But, like I said, in the past, with marriage counseling, the things that were issues for me just weren't addressed in any meaningful way.... this will be the first time that I feel like she's really working at that. Then it'll just be a question of whether it's a short-term effort or part of a long-term commitment.
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