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There is a lot of comfort in distancing one's self from those things where you use to be "us" like birthday parties. I think it can take a while to get there or to realize that you're two separate homes and identities now. He has his stuff and you have yours. I stayed close to my former inlaws and would be invited to things including holiday dinners. I went for a while, but then realized that we all needed more closure and I needed to begin to establish new traditions for my kids and I. They had two families who were much better apart.
I also stayed close with my son's grands. It was them picking my son up for holidays because his father was too busy and it was them who took him for weeks during the summer after they moved. I think my Ex-MIL also came to a party or 2, she (the FIL was passed by then) was the only one at his graduation, the father couldn't find time.
As I said, his loss. He lost a lot of rights from me when he cheated on me and the bimbo broke up my family. She could care less about my son back then, surely she doesn't even sign her name on any birthday / holiday cards, ever (when he did send one)
While it took 2 to make the baby, one can raise them and do a good job. I don't ever want my child to think it is ok to treat people the way I've been treated and if I can keep him away from it, all the better.
You can be civil on the phone or in person at drop off or at another location, some places the ex's just don't belong, especially when the guest he brings treats you like dirt.
First, I am so sorry you and especially your children are being exposed to such low class actions. Having said that, let me just state I agree separate parties are best for now. The kids want to see their dad but maybe it is time for them to learn it will be under different circumstances. Too often I see parents trying to maintain the facade nothing has changed. Not even close to reality and the kids know. How much better to have a straight talk about "we both still love you and will spend time with you but things will just be done differently". Kids can deal with what is real-what is tough is when everyone is pretending to still like each other. If there is a period of time where the kids don't see their dad it may be he just needs to realize what is important to him. As long as YOU don't say no to their seeing him, the responsibility should stay where it belongs, on him. Good luck and God bless
There's not much you can do, honestly. All you can do is try to allow the best relationship possible better your kids and your ex. And right now, his life includes a particularly distasteful harlot (I love that word).
Just be thankful it's not you wasting time with this guy. This woman will see the light someday....
She had not been invited to the birthday celebration, my ex called and told her to "stop" by...it was at a theme park. Upon seeing her arrive, I continued to walk forward w/ my sons. She walked up to my ex & daughter, said something to her, turned and yelled back at me, "I just wanted to wish her a happy bday you B****". It's not so much her calling me a name, it was the situation, in front of my children, on my daughters bday. When she had specifically asked her father (& I) not to bring our signifigant others.
Thank you all for your input. I am doing my best to provide the children with a loving and nurturing home. I am taking him back to court, over a different situation, he feels he shoulodn't have to pay the "extras" not included in his child support. i.e. 1/2 of medical/dental/optical. I'm still surprised that his current girlfriend wants to be with him, not only is she not welcome at our family functions, but she's not welcome at my ex inlaws house either. I have faith that it will work out for the best, my children are bright and intelligent individuals who will make the best of any siutation. I believe they have more class and dignity than either of their parents at times. (makes me very proud of them)
Again thank you, I will try to speak with him, it's difficult, he doesn't see a problem with any of it, and when I say something, I am over-reacting. I am glad we aren't together as a couple anymore, I would hate for my children to ever think treating people as he does is acceptable for any reason.
I am glad we aren't together as a couple anymore, I would hate for my children to ever think treating people as he does is acceptable for any reason.
That is a perfect attitude. I can promise you that he will hang his own neck if continues to act and allow his girlfriend to act in the manner they are. While it's frustrating raising your kids with all this going on, I can assure you that when they're grown, they'll know what's what. You don't have to tell them. You don't have to fret that they won't see what you've done for them IN SPITE of things. They'll know and they'll love you for every minute of every day you were a good parent.
Thank you all for your input. I am doing my best to provide the children with a loving and nurturing home. I am taking him back to court, over a different situation, he feels he shoulodn't have to pay the "extras" not included in his child support. i.e. 1/2 of medical/dental/optical.
It all depends on what is in your divorce. For me, it was 1/2 after I paid the 1st $250 since he covered the kids. Now, it could also be $250 per child, not sure how that would work as my kids have different fathers.
After I hurt my back & stopped working, ex #2 was ordered to pay 75% of uncovered medical, although he hasn't in a long time. The judge told me I had 7 days after bringing her to a Dr to give him the receipt copy, which these days is a total crock since he knows every time she goes somewhere due to the insurance company sending the "paid" slip.
While I can copy and send or hand him as many receipts as I want, he says he doesn't get them from me. What ever. If I send it certified, sig required, he won't pick it up. Once I move and have a few days I'm going to be getting ready to take mine back to court for medical.
The best suggestion I can give is to ask the judge for him to give you a check for $1,000. You will be able to use it for medical but have to give him the receipts to tell him you've taken from the "pot". I used to keep it in a savings account in my daughters name so that she got interest.
Are you guys fully divorced or in the process of?
Now, you may be able to keep the bimbo away from the kids for now, bring it up to your attorney. All you have to do is tell about how she talks to you in front of the kids, I don't doubt the judge would give you an order.
I've also had to take one back to court for sleeping in the same bed as my kid as well as not providing a private space for her when she visited. At one time she was told to share a room with his GF's 15 year old son, (she was 10) or was offered the couch. I can tell you that as soon as I caught wind of this, she didn't go there, and I won in court. I also won that he is not to take her to any places with alcohol.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SVicchiullo
I'm still surprised that his current girlfriend wants to be with him, not only is she not welcome at our family functions, but she's not welcome at my ex inlaws house either. I have faith that it will work out for the best, my children are bright and intelligent individuals who will make the best of any siutation. I believe they have more class and dignity than either of their parents at times. (makes me very proud of them)
Again thank you, I will try to speak with him, it's difficult, he doesn't see a problem with any of it, and when I say something, I am over-reacting. I am glad we aren't together as a couple anymore, I would hate for my children to ever think treating people as he does is acceptable for any reason.
Do yourself a favor before this gets any farther, tell him you can't do this any more and he will have to have his own parties for the kids. Seriously, it has nothing to do with how you raise your kids. Have you ever dealt with a child with emotional issues? If not, you don't want to, trust me. Every time they see her speak to you like that or hear her & your ex talk about you negatively (I went to court for this too) it hurts the kids. Even my oldest, who is the sweetest, quiet, polite kid was hurt by this. He used to come home upset that they were trashing me. My daughter on the other hand, started suffering in school because she couldn't deal with it, and at 15 continues to suffer in school. If I get write ups, I can pin point it to either speaking to her father on the phone or having just come back from visiting.
Good luck, and cover your butt now so that you don't have to keep going back. If you search for my name in this section, you should find some divorce tips.
My ex-husband cheated on me with the woman he is still now dating. Stating the obvious there is no love lost between her and I. It esculated on my daughters birthday when after agreeing that my ex and I would leave our signifigant others home that day, his new girlfriend not only shows up, but calls me a ***** in front of all 3 of our children. I thought that would be the end of it. Now he claims it's all water under the bridge and I have no right to say who he can and can't bring around the children. It hurt enough that they together broke up the family, it feels like adding insult to injury that he wants his cake and to eat it too. The children are torn of course, they love their father and want to spend time with him. The emphasis being with him, not her, but now during every visit he is pushing them to start spending time around her. They know that if they don't agree he just will stop coming around as much. He's done it in the past. Normally when he's angry with me, somehow they get caught in the crossfire.
I am trying to take the high road and I admit it's hard, however, for my children's sake I have told them to do what their father has asked. However, if it is at all possible, I would prefer that she not be around them. Do I have any legal standing to keep her away from my children?
Any information would be helpful.
Thanks
First, I'm sorry you and your children are going through this. It is unfortunate that all too often the kids do get caught up in the crossfire.
I want to begin by saying you have every right to be upset. If both of you agreed not to bring your SO's, then that should have been respected on his part. The day was about your child's birthday, not about yourselves and bringing her along was disrespectful to both you and your child. It was also totally distasteful and inappropriate for her to refer to you in those terms in the presence of the children. That show's no class whatsoever and I can only imagine would make you wonder what is said to your children when you are not around. Not a good situation at all.
As far as having any legal grounds to keep her away from the kids, it would depend a lot on what state you are and how they handle such situations. Most family courts however will look primarily at what is in the best interest of the children. In this case, the best standing you would have to keep her away is if her presence in their lives is in any way detrimental to the children. This could very well be the case. It's not like mommy and daddy got divorced and now daddy has a new girlfriend. This is a situation where it was an affair (not sure if the kids know that or not and that would make a difference). It would also depend a lot on the ages of your children and if they are considered old enough by the courts to state their opinion to the courts. Though my opinion is to keep the kids out of court whenever possible. Short of it being detrimental to the children, it will be difficult to keep her away from the children and can show you as just being vengeful or whatnot.
I think that if your daughter specifically asked for neither of the SO to be at the birthday party and both of you agreed, that should have been honored. At this time the worst thing he could do is try to push his g/f on his children. If he is planning on staying with this woman and has any hopes of a relationship to develop between his children and her, he has to let that happen naturally and slowly, forcing it is only going to make the kids resent her more and resent him. I think the suggestion of you and him sitting down and discussing this together would be a good start. In doing that I would specifically bring up ground rules regarding SO's and how they should not, be speaking inappropriately about either of you in the presence of the children. I would also bring up the recent incident and tell him that under no uncertain terms is she ever to refer to you that way in the presence of the children. It is not healthy for them and he should be as upset about it as you are. Ask him what if it were your SO who in front of him and your children called him a ****, would he find that appropriate?
When a marriage ends there is a lot of emotions to work through. When it ends as a result of an affair, even more so. And yet, even more when the person that was part of that affair remains in the picture. It's like adding insult to injury. This woman, together with your ex, broke up your family. Now you have to deal with her, have to accept her being around your children. That is not easy at all. However, you need to try to be the bigger person in this case, for the sake of your kids. Keep them as the primary focus. It may be hard but you have to make sure that your decisions are not based on bitter feelings and that you can actually step outside the situation and just do what needs to be done and what is best for the kids in the long run. Easier said than done.
I also agree with what some others have said. It may be a good idea for you all to get into counseling, if you are not already doing so. The counselor can not only help you work through the feelings but can also probably offer ideas and suggestions to trying to work this situation out.
You do have the option as what other's have said about just holding seperate birthday parties, etc. However, if at all possible I would suggest trying to make this a last resort, if all else fails. While it definately would ease the conflict and ill feelings, the best solution is to try to get to the point where you can all be civil with one another for the sake of the kids. Yes the kids can each have 2 birthday parties every year, but how much nicer is it that at least on this one day they can have their parents both together for pictures and stuff like that. The emphasis here is the kids and what is best for them. Of course if there is no way to be civil and the situation can not be worked out then what is best for them is not to be caught up in the middle of these situations.
I wish you the best of luck and do hope it gets better. I know it can not be easy.
For the most part he doesn't show for birthdays anymore. This year my daughter has asked to go out of town w/ a group of g/f's to celebrate at the beach. I seriously doubt he'll even bother to make the drive. I was bitter for a long time, it was the hardest thing ever to see my family pulled apart and then to have him bring her around claiming she was a "friend". It's now been long enough, I am angry not because of our former relationship, but because even when my daughter has told him point blank I don't want to spend time with this woman, he tells her "quit listening to your mother". Now any parent of a teen knows, there is only so much you can tell them, and as far as "controlling them", well that is a whole different thread.
The boys are the ones I hurt for, they were so young when all of this went down, the don't remember their fathers verbal abuse to the entire family, and of course didn't know of the affair. They love their father even though they are totally aware of what and who he is...no I didn't bad mouth him, they are just intelligent children who realize when someone has bothered to make them a priority in their lives. They see their other divorced family friends spending entire weekends with their fathers. Since our divorce they've yet to spend a weekend with him, nor any summer vacation time. It wouldn't be so bad, but every year he always tells them, how he's going to take time off and spend a week or two with them.
I feel for any single parent who is going through something like this, you always want the best for your children. I wish I had more common sense myself, this was a second marriage, my first "ex" and I got along all the way through our sons graduation from high school, w/out so much as raised voices. I think that is why I am so blown away by the behavior I'm experiencing now.
It's difficult to remain civil when in front of our sons he claimed and I quote "I got the worst end of this divorce". Mind you he pays $625 a month for all 3 children for support. I pay for everything else. Can someone please explain how he got the worst end of the divorce? Did it ever occur to him that our children suffered the most? Even in all my sorrow never thought I was the one who got the "shaft". I knew that the breakdown of the family was the worst. Now I am glad b/c our family is happier than we would have ever been if we'd still been together.
I see now that they are truly meant to be together, I hope they are happy. My only wish is that she could stay away from my children.
I am separated, and my wasband is a first class butthead.
You know, she should not have come there. But even though I am in sort of the same shoes as you, and I am sure I would not want my kids around this other woman, we have to admit to ourselves that one day, they may marry, and the kids wil have to be around her. You may remarry, and he may not want the kids around your SO.
It would be great if, as another poster said, you could all get together and calmly work something out.
Don't get me wrong... my wasband, if he does not get his way, blames it all on me, and it is all my fault, and he cannot talk to me, and so on and so fourth.
I shake my head, sometimes get mad, come on here and B and moan, and then try to get over it.
What am I even trying to say?
I don't know. Are the kids around your SO? If this has already been mentioned, please forgive me.
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How much better to have a straight talk about "we both still love you and will spend time with you but things will just be done differently". Kids can deal with what is real-what is tough is when everyone is pretending to still like each other. 
If there is a period of time where the kids don't see their dad it may be he just needs to realize what is important to him. As long as YOU don't say no to their seeing him, the responsibility should stay where it belongs, on him. Good luck and God bless 
