How many went thru a formal Pre-Marital Class ? (date, wife, how to)

[artsyguy]

Good for you.

Originally Posted by faina00

Not familiar with pre-marital courses, it must be church related, in which case that would not apply to us.

We discussed finances, future children, roles, expectations, pet peeves, retirement, what to do if one of us becomes a vegetable and everything else under the sun PRIOR to marrying.

It baffles me how many couples do not have these discussions until it is too late, which shows they lack one of the most important aspects of a relationship: communication. Fortunately, we communicate without the aid of a counselor.

[artsyguy]

I believe a parenting and marriage class is better than couples counseling.

In class you can always email or talk to the professor or teacher and get advice for free. The same stuff you'd get in a counseling session.

Originally Posted by bluegrassgirl

We went through classes (divorced a long time now) and I can say they made no difference in our case. I suspect that is because we were too young to get married in the first place. This was in 1981 and neither of us really understood or had the life experience to utilize what we learned.

If I were to ever get married again, which I don't plan on, I'd go through it again. I think for an older couple that bring past relationships, children, different homes, etc., into the mix it is even more important. I have a grown son who is engaged although I don't think they'll ever make it to the altar personally - I surely want them to get some counseling. I also think a counselor or pastor who just goes down his list instead of involving a couple and finding out about them isn't going to be effective - that often happens.

[therewego]

Originally Posted by artsyguy

I didn't realize couples therapists could give advice on money issues.

I would talk to a financial consultant about money issues not a couples therapist.

Actually, to some people, money is a very emotional topic which a financial consultant would not be able to help with that. Also, the way people spend, why they spend or do not spend, when they spend, and if debt is involved, how it will be paid off are things a financial consultant would probably find a bit time-wasting.

[Hobokenkitchen]

Originally Posted by artsyguy

I believe a parenting and marriage class is better than couples counseling.

In class you can always email or talk to the professor or teacher and get advice for free. The same stuff you'd get in a counseling session.

Yes, but all the classes of this type that I know of are run on a religious basis, which isn't for us.

[Hobokenkitchen]

Originally Posted by therewego

Actually, to some people, money is a very emotional topic which a financial consultant would not be able to help with that. Also, the way people spend, why they spend or do not spend, when they spend, and if debt is involved, how it will be paid off are things a financial consultant would probably find a bit time-wasting.

Yes exactly. I'm not talking about specific money issues. I'm talking about your beliefs about money. Do you believe in saving? Do you believe in modifying your lifestyle in order to be able to save more? Do you plan on (generally) buying new or used cars? Do either of us carry credit card debt or do we pay off in full every month?

Those kind of things.

Plus I would not be going to classes to be told what to do by someone else, I would be going to explore questions we might not have thought of or addressed.

How would you handle a job loss by one or other of you?
Do you plan to have children?
If you have children will one of you stay home with a child or would you both work?
Private or public school?
For those who are mixed religion - how do the kids get raised?
What are you going to live?
If one of you wants to move to a different area is that ok, or not?
Etc,
etc,
etc.

I do think that talking these things over with someone could be useful. For us, even having a list of questions to discuss between ourselves would have been enough.

As I mentioned, we are on the same page about almost everything so we are lucky.

The question we needed to discuss more is; What happens when the biolgical clock starts ticking having never shown any signs of doing so before?

Wer talked a lot before marriage, but I think making a formal time to go through some of these life issues would be very sensible for most couples.

[djf863000]

I think it is a good idea, and my gf and I are looking for one to join. We aren't engaged yet, that is why wanted to wait till then, but I believe you don't have to be engaged to start one. My gf and I are almost totally from a different background, different culture, and I am more liberal (well I consider myself Centrist, if you are European, you might know what I mean, as I was raise there) and she is more conservative and we don't always see eye to eye on different issues.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by shuke

In our case, we wound up growing apart, especially after the third child was born.

This is interesting because it seems to be a repeating theme. Many people believe having a child/children together is some sort of panacea bonding the couple together whereas in quite a few cases it seems to work exactly to the opposite. What is even more interesting is that it seems to often happen to couples who actually didn't have kids immediately and were perfectly fine before that. I know somebody who didn't have children for 5 years (you'd think enough time for everything to be ironed out before their arrival or ways parted) and was in a pre-divorce situation 1 1/2 years after the birth of the child. They're still not officially divorced for various reasons, but will be eventually.

IMO, a child perhaps may make an already strong relationship stronger, but really destroy a less stable one which otherwise could've made it without the additional pressure.

[songinthewind7]

We made up our own premarital jive. It worked.

[NotARedneck]

Originally Posted by Fat Freddy

We had our first Pre-Marital Class in the back seat of my car.

We both got C-.

The next class we had in Motel 6.

We got a B in that one.

We last class was the night we moved in together.

We both got A+ that time and graduated with Honors.

How many weeks to get your black belt in the Marital Arts?

[NotARedneck]

Originally Posted by Davachka

It baffles me how many couples do not have these discussions until it is too late, which shows they lack one of the most important aspects of a relationship: communication. Fortunately, we communicate without the aid of a counselor.

Many couples are into "non-verbal" communication prior to marriage. They're "high on infatuation" and are communicating that to those around them and each other. Love conquers all.