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Oh man, I could never move back to Sacramento; even though I think about that place on a daily basis [for the last 11 years] and my family and friends are still there [and whom I keep in contact with on a regular basis]. But, $120,000 a year will go a lot farther in Sacto then it would in Seattle [unless times have really changed].
You need to understand that state taxes taken out of a paycheck makes your diposable income less, so 120K in Sac is going to yield about 80K in disposable income where as 120K in Seattle will give you 100K of it, since we do not have state taxes
Housing prices are about even now
But Calif property taxes are double
So in Cost of LIving, I need out family to make about $175K to live the same life we have here in Seattle for 140K
If you're going to be making 120k in Sac and he's making 40k in Seattle, why do you say you'll be better off financially in Seattle? Is the cost of living that much higher in Sac? Also, will your new job be recession-proof? What about the job he just got? Which one is more likely to last if the economy goes completely to krap?
OK--I just read your above post on the cost-of-living issue.
You're just going to have to work it out with him, but I wouldn't move if he acts like he doesn't care but really doesn't want to. That sounds miserable for everyone.
He's not really hesitant as I am. He says he'll just "adapt" so he's being passive agressive about it.
He'll be leaving his friends (know each other 15 year), his career (he's in a job that could one day be something) and leaving his *home*. I moved to Seattle to get married (we've known each other 20 years) but I left everything behind, I feel bad to now do that to him.
And it's making tension - lots of tension.
When I moved to please hubby and gave up my job prospects it ended up being a huge resentment, not then, but down the road. For me it was because I felt like i did ALL the compromising and sacrifice, and he always got his way and never gave up a darn thing for either me or the relationship or our family once we had kids. It built up over the years into a HUGE resentment, and was a large part of why i left the marriage (not this move or that move, but the pattern of him always demanding his way with no room for compromise).
You know yourself, you know him, you know the relationship, and you know what you feel like in the big picture you have given up for the relationship. It is a very tough issue, so best wishes to you on the move and the decisions. Are you able to talk about it among yourselves, both now and past decisions? Are you two able to sit down with a counselor?
In the long run it's less about any one decision or move, but things do add up over time and can reach a breaking point for one person or the other, a relationship can only take so much. I like to see counseling as a pressure valve to let off some of the steam that may be building before an explosion occurs.
And yeah the passive aggressive thing is an energy drain all itself. Best to you in whatever you decide.
That's what happened - I started resenting the move to Seattle. I've been miserable.
I don't want what happened to me, to happen to him too
Oh and we did look into a third area, Southern calif - but that's even more financially hard then Sac.
Oh and *another_hot day*, I love Sac weather - I love it hot, I'm damn cold in Seattle - all year long, my screenname could be *another_cold, moist, grey cloudy day*
Dr Jones - no my income is going up from 85K to 120K, his is going down from 50-ish to 30-ish
And for those people out there who ONLY look at the money, there is a lot more that goes into a decision (and a happy life) than money.
I read the opening post and the person does not sound happy with where she is, nor does she sound happy with giving it all up to move there in the first place.
My life got a lot happier, healthier, and more deeply satisfying when I started making decisions on "quality of life" rather than amount of $.
NEVER underestimate the effect of sunshine in your life either. I lived in the Seattle area for over 20 years, raised my kids there, never thought i'd leave, beautiful area. Then I moved to someplace with SUN and OMG I have never been happier.
It makes a world of difference also to live someplace you CHOOSE to live rather than someplace where you feel like you were dragged there by someplace else.
Ultimately choose what makes you happy. I also think we as women are conditioned to feel more guilt for making decisions that are pleasing. If you moved to Seattle for him, why shouldn't he move to Sacramento for you?
Dr Jones - no my income is going up from 85K to 120K, his is going down from 50-ish to 30-ish
Ok your gross income goes up by $15k. But your Net is going to take a pretty good hit due to increased cost of living (income taxes, property taxes, home costs, etc). But you've done the math. Is the plan for him to go to school, work full time, and take care of the kids to? I see him doing 2 out of the 3.
As far as resentment goes you resent him already....and you will continue to do so even after you move back to Sac....because you were forced to live in Seattle all this time before you got to come home.
And now he's going to resent you for making him come to Sac and take a lower paying job....and quit the job he just got. This is bad magic for your marraige. He may be the type of guy that will roll with the punches but that doesn't mean he'll like it.
So I have this tremendous guilt that it will be a bad idea...but on the other hand I'm desperate to get back. And he's told me it's "all my decision, because his decision to move to Seattle was obviously wrong" and he calls Seattle "the biggest regret to his marriage" because I've been so bad.
So I don't want to do to him - what moving to Seattle did to me...which is why I waiver.
That's why I tell people "If I was single again I'd bein Sac in a hot minute, but I'm not and have my husband, his mom (whom lives with us) and my kids to think about now"
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