Trapped by a woman who is pregnant? (married, love, single)

[msjack]

I was wondering if any of you men out there have been "trapped" so to speak, by a woman who got pregnant with your child?? If so, did you stay with her or commit to her for the baby's sake?? Did you eventually fall in love with her if you weren't already?? Did it last or did you eventually leave her? Or did you leave and take care of the baby as 2 households?

I'm asking because a very good friend of mine had this very thing happen and now he's saying he's going to stay with her for the baby's sake, which I think is insane. They weren't even together when she got pregnant. He had moved out of state and she went to visit him with a few friends. So now he's moving back to be with her, when he's clearly said he doesn't love her, he's just doing it for the baby. I just think he can still take care of the baby, but not "be" with her. What are your opinions??

[NWPAguy]

Originally Posted by msjack

I was wondering if any of you men out there have been "trapped" so to speak, by a woman who got pregnant with your child?? If so, did you stay with her or commit to her for the baby's sake?? Did you eventually fall in love with her if you weren't already?? Did it last or did you eventually leave her? Or did you leave and take care of the baby as 2 households?

I'm asking because a very good friend of mine had this very thing happen and now he's saying he's going to stay with her for the baby's sake, which I think is insane. They weren't even together when she got pregnant. He had moved out of state and she went to visit him with a few friends. So now he's moving back to be with her, when he's clearly said he doesn't love her, he's just doing it for the baby. I just think he can still take care of the baby, but not "be" with her. What are your opinions??

I'm going to try to respond to this in as civil a manner as possible. This topic has always gotten under my skin really seriously whenever I've discussed it with people.

The truth is that people should not be having sex if they're not married. If people would follow the rules and stay celibate before marriage, they wouldn't have to be wondering whether or not to "stay with the baby's other parent" or whatever. They're married. OF COURSE they're going to stay together. When a man has sex with a woman, BABIES CAN HAPPEN... and both people need to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions if there are consequences.

To answer your question, a man cannot adequately take care of his child if he is not a permanent and constant fixture in the child's life. As I was growing up, my parents were married but my dad worked two jobs... sometimes 80 hours per week. He was there, at home, every single day... but yet we still missed out on almost 13 years of him actually being able to be much of a dad. His work schedule didn't allow him to be with my brother and I as much as we would've liked.

Your friend should stay with the girl, and marry her. Apparently he liked her enough to have a one-night stand with her, and that means that there had to be SOMETHING between them... even if it's physical affection. Your friend is NOT insane... he is doing the responsible thing, which anyone in his position should do. Children who grow up in broken families, or "two household" families, usually develop more deviant tendencies than children brought up in stable one-household family situations.

As for the two of them falling in love eventually... it could happen. It happens all the time in other cultures after the marriages were "arranged". It could happen to your friend too. I think he realized that he did something for which he must now take responsibility... and that is the most admirable response to the situation that I could think of.

[miu]

Why not put the baby up for adoption? But without meeting the parents, it's really difficult to say if they will work out as a family unit. I would say, probably not. How old is the couple? Does the man have a good career? Does this girl love him? I think it great that he's trying to do the honorable thing.

[andreaspercheron]

Originally Posted by NWPAguy

I'm going to try to respond to this in as civil a manner as possible. This topic has always gotten under my skin really seriously whenever I've discussed it with people.

The truth is that people should not be having sex if they're not married. If people would follow the rules and stay celibate before marriage, they wouldn't have to be wondering whether or not to "stay with the baby's other parent" or whatever. They're married. OF COURSE they're going to stay together. When a man has sex with a woman, BABIES CAN HAPPEN... and both people need to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions if there are consequences.

To answer your question, a man cannot adequately take care of his child if he is not a permanent and constant fixture in the child's life. As I was growing up, my parents were married but my dad worked two jobs... sometimes 80 hours per week. He was there, at home, every single day... but yet we still missed out on almost 13 years of him actually being able to be much of a dad. His work schedule didn't allow him to be with my brother and I as much as we would've liked.

Your friend should stay with the girl, and marry her. Apparently he liked her enough to have a one-night stand with her, and that means that there had to be SOMETHING between them... even if it's physical affection. Your friend is NOT insane... he is doing the responsible thing, which anyone in his position should do. Children who grow up in broken families, or "two household" families, usually develop more deviant tendencies than children brought up in stable one-household family situations.

As for the two of them falling in love eventually... it could happen. It happens all the time in other cultures after the marriages were "arranged". It could happen to your friend too. I think he realized that he did something for which he must now take responsibility... and that is the most admirable response to the situation that I could think of.

I agree 100%. It takes two and yes, there are times when I've heard of a woman lying and saying she is on BC but to be honest, if you are not in a fully commited relationship, why take the chance? You should be using condoms and BC (birth control). Just my honest opinion and to further this, I say if you make your bed, you have to lie in it and deal with the consequences and do the right thing.

[msjack]

Originally Posted by NWPAguy

I'm going to try to respond to this in as civil a manner as possible. This topic has always gotten under my skin really seriously whenever I've discussed it with people.

The truth is that people should not be having sex if they're not married. If people would follow the rules and stay celibate before marriage, they wouldn't have to be wondering whether or not to "stay with the baby's other parent" or whatever. They're married. OF COURSE they're going to stay together. When a man has sex with a woman, BABIES CAN HAPPEN... and both people need to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions if there are consequences.

To answer your question, a man cannot adequately take care of his child if he is not a permanent and constant fixture in the child's life. As I was growing up, my parents were married but my dad worked two jobs... sometimes 80 hours per week. He was there, at home, every single day... but yet we still missed out on almost 13 years of him actually being able to be much of a dad. His work schedule didn't allow him to be with my brother and I as much as we would've liked.

Your friend should stay with the girl, and marry her. Apparently he liked her enough to have a one-night stand with her, and that means that there had to be SOMETHING between them... even if it's physical affection. Your friend is NOT insane... he is doing the responsible thing, which anyone in his position should do. Children who grow up in broken families, or "two household" families, usually develop more deviant tendencies than children brought up in stable one-household family situations.

As for the two of them falling in love eventually... it could happen. It happens all the time in other cultures after the marriages were "arranged". It could happen to your friend too. I think he realized that he did something for which he must now take responsibility... and that is the most admirable response to the situation that I could think of.

I'm sorry I have to COMPLETELY disagree with you.

In this day and age, it's a fact that many people have premarital sex. We are not in the 1950's anymore. I didn't ask for your opinion as to whether premarital sex was right or wrong.

Why should he marry someone he doesn't love?? You can say a lot of people in OTHER cultures do it, but not in OUR culture. That's not fair to either one of them. If it were me, why would I want to marry a man I didn't love or if he didn't love me??

A man CAN take care of his child even if he doesn't live there full time. My parents divorced when I was very young. Young enough that I don't even remember them being together. I didn't turn out "devious". Like you said even if it is a 2 parent household one parent may work a lot, so it's like they aren't even there. So it's null and void that you say they should marry to provide a 2 parent household.

He does want to take responsibility, and I TOTALLY agree that he should. I just believe he can be a father, but that doesn't mean that he has to be with a woman he doesn't love.
BTW-It wasn't a one night stand. They had been friends for years, and had actually dated a few years before that.

[msjack]

Originally Posted by andreaspercheron

I agree 100%. It takes two and yes, there are times when I've heard of a woman lying and saying she is on BC but to be honest, if you are not in a fully commited relationship, why take the chance? You should be using condoms and BC (birth control). Just my honest opinion and to further this, I say if you make your bed, you have to lie in it and deal with the consequences and do the right thing.

Well it's too late to judge and be saying they shouldn't of had sex...blah, blah. They did, she's pregnant, so it's a little to late for this kind of advice. He IS taking responsibility, he wants to be in the child's life.
You're telling me you would want to marry someone who DIDN'T love you??

MY question was why should he be with her if he doesn't love her?? He is taking responsibilty, but that doesn't mean he has to marry her?? You can be a father and NOT be married to the mother.

[mermaid_golfer]

A relationship without love will reflect toward the child.
It also takes very dedicated, mature people to be able to handle being parents while not staying together. This would be very hard to be done right if they are living in different states. Maybe they can find a happy medium. Live within the same town, share parental responsibilities, and be able to participate in ALL aspects of the child's growing years.
I know people that have done it successfully.

Trapped??? Your title alone makes a statement. he was 50 percent involved in the circumstance he finds himself in. This woman will need emotional support for the 9 months she will be carrying this child. Believe it or not it is a scary thing to go through if you feel like you are alone in the situation.

[miu]

Originally Posted by msjack

BTW-It wasn't a one night stand. They had been friends for years, and had actually dated a few years before that.

So he likes her as a person? Were they more FWBs? Maybe they could start by raising the child and being more platonic roommates. So they share the responsibilities with the child and if the romance grows, then fine, but if it doesn't they stay friends. There are many single parents that eventually find someone other than their child's other parent to love.

I think that the important part is that the future child be loved and living in a loving affectionate environment. Children get stressed out by parents that fight.

So keep the childrearing separate from the need to be a loving couple.

[himain]

Wow..bad situation. Just my 2 cents on this. To have a child in a loveless relationship is damaging to the child. I speak from experience. He can be a great father without living with or marrying this woman. I wish my parents had been smart and just divorced instead of me growing up listening to them argue all the time. It would have been a much nicer childhood.

[Rance]

Are you jealous? Calling it a trap. Sounds like he has decided to move back and care for the woman and child on his own. Does not sound like any sort of being trapped to me.
And he could always have a DNA thing done to ensure the child is indeed his. And who knows...maybe there is some love there. And maybe you are in denial.