What To Do? (dating, wife, marriage, girls)

[5FLgirls]

My husband and I have been married for almost eight years and have four children. Like every marriage with small children -- there is lots of stress. My husband and I try very hard to get quality time together and share the weight. I have a babysitter weekly for my peace of mind. My husband does our laundry and is the sole breadwinner. He had a difficult childhood but he is a good father. Having four kids in six years is very difficult. Our relationship ebbs and flows. As long as my husband is happy -- we're all happy. For the past three years, my husband has been extremely unfulfilled. His career (which is the main focus of his life) has been terrible, his self-esteem has taken a severe hit, we've lost money in two homes, moved twice, and I had a big scare during my pregnancy which led to him being unemployed for 6 months. On top of this, my hormones have been crazy for the last six months and I haven't been my usual accommodating partner in the bedroom which has led to my husband sleeping on the couch and not speaking to me. Currently, we're renting a home and will probably have to move in the next six weeks, my husband hates his job and is utterly miserable and I placed a thread on the parenting forum and this is the link in case you want to check it out: ww.citydata.com/forum/parenting/325006-therapy-6-yo.html. I am waiting to get into a doctor to check on my physical health so I can fix this hormone issue I'm having. My husband has (all of a sudden) decided that he wants to try "transcendental meditation" and possibly acupuncture. I am so sick and tired of my husband being miserable. His only outlet and satisfaction is attending twice-weekly jiu-jitsu classes (where he can release his anger and aggression). He enjoys where we live. But he spends so much time down on himself and hating himself. I don't know what to do anymore. I am always his cheerleader but I'm exhausted and spent right now. Any ideas?

[The Man in SATX]

He needs some self esteem.. He needs to realize it is all about himself and not what you can do for him. Sure you have some input on how he feels.. but hell you can only do so much.. It sounds like you have... and now it is time for him to get with the program. If he doesnt like his job.. see if he will take something else on.. I thikn most of his problem comes from his job.. which goes down to you all at the house.. once he changes that he will be a new man!

[Fat Freddy]

Originally Posted by 5FLgirls

...he spends so much time down on himself...
...I am always his cheerleader...

I tried and tried, but I could never reach.

I guess I needed a cheerleader....

[Tzaphkiel]

You can be a loving mate and wife and mom and partner, but you can NOT be his therpaist. It is not your job to fix him or address his emotional health. There are wonderful resources and groups and counseling and therapy for that. You can recommend them to him and support him in attending, but the choice has to be his whether to attend, participate, do the work that is needed.

Please don't feel you aren't doing enough for him, it's not your fault, it's not your job, each of us is responsible for own emotional and physical well-being. It can start with saying, "I love you honey and I'm concerned about you, what about counseling" (or men's group or whatever). After that it's up to him.

It sounds like he is open to self-improvement and health, from the martial arts and accupuncture. Best wishes to you and your family.

[SifuPhil]

Originally Posted by 5FLgirls

My husband has (all of a sudden) decided that he wants to try "transcendental meditation" and possibly acupuncture. I am so sick and tired of my husband being miserable. His only outlet and satisfaction is attending twice-weekly jiu-jitsu classes (where he can release his anger and aggression). He enjoys where we live. But he spends so much time down on himself and hating himself. I don't know what to do anymore. I am always his cheerleader but I'm exhausted and spent right now. Any ideas?

As an acupuncturist I'd be curious to know why your husband seeks acupuncture treatments.

Is it something that he heard about in his jiu-jitsu classes? Read about somewhere? The reason I ask is that normally people associate acupuncture with relieving physical problems, not emotional (although it also can do that, but it isn't the usual reason for seeking treatment). Just wondered how this desire came about...

[professorsenator]

Having young kids is very emotionally stressful. Everyone talks about the work involved with kids, but few talk about the toll that they take on your feelings. The impression is that one is usually brimming with happiness all the time at your bundles of joy, but the reality is just much different.

Sounds like he may have a problem with depression and I don't think you alone can pull him out of it. Does he have any nearby family or friends that might be of help? Your hormone issue is a concern, too. I don't understand how this can lead to him sleeping on the couch--can you explain this? Also, are you on the pill? Does it help or hurt your hormone regulation?

[laysayfair]

Originally Posted by professorsenator

Having young kids is very emotionally stressful. Everyone talks about the work involved with kids, but few talk about the toll that they take on your feelings. The impression is that one is usually brimming with happiness all the time at your bundles of joy, but the reality is just much different.

Sounds like he may have a problem with depression and I don't think you alone can pull him out of it. Does he have any nearby family or friends that might be of help? Your hormone issue is a concern, too. I don't understand how this can lead to him sleeping on the couch--can you explain this? Also, are you on the pill? Does it help or hurt your hormone regulation?

Yes, I don't understand the "sleeping on the couch" thing either. Could you clarify?

[yankeegirl313]

It sounds like it may be a combination of both of you, at the same time!
Have you ever heard that saying," Only 1 can be nuts at a time." LOL
It sounds like you two need to get a babysitter, have dinner together, and really sit down and have a heart to heart talk.
You both are pulling away from each other, and it doesn`t sound like its getting any better. Communication!! Talk about your problems. Try to lean on each other, not sleep on the couch.

[moonsavvy]

Originally Posted by 5FLgirls

My husband and I have been married for almost eight years and have four children. Like every marriage with small children -- there is lots of stress. My husband and I try very hard to get quality time together and share the weight. I have a babysitter weekly for my peace of mind. My husband does our laundry and is the sole breadwinner. He had a difficult childhood but he is a good father. Having four kids in six years is very difficult. Our relationship ebbs and flows. As long as my husband is happy -- we're all happy. For the past three years, my husband has been extremely unfulfilled. His career (which is the main focus of his life) has been terrible, his self-esteem has taken a severe hit, we've lost money in two homes, moved twice, and I had a big scare during my pregnancy which led to him being unemployed for 6 months. On top of this, my hormones have been crazy for the last six months and I haven't been my usual accommodating partner in the bedroom which has led to my husband sleeping on the couch and not speaking to me. Currently, we're renting a home and will probably have to move in the next six weeks, my husband hates his job and is utterly miserable and I placed a thread on the parenting forum and this is the link in case you want to check it out: ww.citydata.com/forum/parenting/325006-therapy-6-yo.html. I am waiting to get into a doctor to check on my physical health so I can fix this hormone issue I'm having. My husband has (all of a sudden) decided that he wants to try "transcendental meditation" and possibly acupuncture. I am so sick and tired of my husband being miserable. His only outlet and satisfaction is attending twice-weekly jiu-jitsu classes (where he can release his anger and aggression). He enjoys where we live. But he spends so much time down on himself and hating himself. I don't know what to do anymore. I am always his cheerleader but I'm exhausted and spent right now. Any ideas?

((((((((((((((5FLgirls)))))))))))))))))))
Sounds like you are in a stressful situation. Good for you for reaching out for some support. You sound like a very loving and caring person. You can only love your husband, you cannot sacrifice your own health or well being for the sake of trying to make life easier on him. He is responsible for his own happiness just as you are responsible for your own happiness. Take a few breaths and release that tension that you're carrying in your shoulders, you've been carrying the weight of the world for far too long. Relax and enjoy life right now, even if it's just for a moment. Much love to you!

[Roselvr]

Originally Posted by 5FLgirls

I had a big scare during my pregnancy which led to him being unemployed for 6 months. On top of this, my hormones have been crazy for the last six months and I haven't been my usual accommodating partner in the bedroom which has led to my husband sleeping on the couch and not speaking to me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am always his cheerleader but I'm exhausted and spent right now. Any ideas?

4 kids in 6 years is hard. I don't doubt you are 1) exhausted 2) not feeling like having sex - maybe for fear of getting pregnant again, or because you are exhausted.

You need to call the GYN Monday, 1st thing. I'm serious. Look into getting an IUD, it is a one time thing and works for a few years. If you 2 are done having kids, parhaps your hubby will be willing to get himself "fixed".

How old is the youngest? You could be suffering from PPD, could just be hormones like you say, but you need to make that phone call and do it now.

How do you feel about getting a part time job? If he is willing to watch the kids on a night or 2 during the week, you can also work one day on the weekend. I used to do it, it was wonderful to get out and talk to someone that was not a child. While I didn't make a lot of money, it was a few hundred extra per month, maybe that will be enough to help ease the load on your hubby?