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I am not sure how to start to ask this, but i will say it in the best way that I can!
When I was younger, I was told that I would never be able to have children of my own, so I simply just adjusted to that fact and never let it get to me. In the very few relationships I have been in never lasted long enough for them to be aware of that. that is until I met a man who has simply captivated me. We have been together for a while now, to the point where I feel he may ask me the "Big Question" (ladies you know what i am talking about!!!)
He would occasionally talk about having children and would say things like "I think i'd make a cool dad!". I could not help but feel guilty and sad on the inside, but all I could do was pull a front for that moment and smile faintly. I feel bad for even doing that.
And this may seem wierd, but a part of me secretly hopes that maybe he'll end up losing interest in me and maybe possibly finding someone who maybe can give him what I can't. I am probably strange for even thinking something so bizarre like that!!
Another part of me is scared to death of what will happen if I do tell him - that he may leave me. But the thing is, I am not sure how I should tell him. Because I feel that I cannot continue like this if he does end up asking me to marry him...
So how do I tell him?? any kind of feedback would be wonderful..
Truthfully? Just tell him.. one of two things will happen.. 1) He will be shocked and believe you led him on due to the fact you werent up front with him and told him that you couldnt have kids (due to the fact you have been in a long term relationship with him? 2) He will deal with it at face value and say .. that is the way me and you are meant to be then and continue the relationship with you...
How else can you deal with this besides the fact of hiding the fact that you can not have kids... which to me is not a very nice thing to do .. if in fact he does want to have kids..
As I always say... this world has turned into a monster... no one freaking communicates anymore... if I had to shake a stick at everytime I hear about people doing bull crap.. I would probably be shaking my stick more then anything.. Give it to him straight.. deal with the consequences.. I understand you didnt talk to him about right away as you werent sure what your status was in the relationship.. but jesus criminies.. after a few months and him talking about kids.. you shoulda let the dang cat out of the bag..
If you guys are serious and he loves you he will love you regardless. Adoption is always an option. However, if he is just wasting your time and you don't think this will lead to marriage I don't see a need to tell him.
I think you already know the answer here, but you're looking for some affirmation.
What a touchy subject to bring up!! I'm sure it's been making you quite anxious.
Know that when you open up to this person, you're doing the both of you right. You'd want him to open up about something like this, I'm sure. Good relationships, healthy relationships are built on GOOD COMMUNICATION and HONESTY.
It would be in your best interest to tell him as soon as possible. I'm sure that he loves you enough to be supportive and understanding about such a delicate issue.
You say you have been together for a while now, but how long is "a while". To different people that can mean different things. The amount of time that "a while" is, also makes a huge difference in the fact that you have not told him yet. I mean 1-2 months versus 1-2 years could mean his reaction may be a bit different.
Regardless, honesty is always the best policy in a relationship. Communication is a key element to making a relationship work. Therefore, if you truly feel this relationship is of a serious nature and may be heading somewhere, you have a responsibility to tell him and he has a right to know. Something like this may or may not be a deal breaker for him and you have to prepare yourself for it to go either way.
What I would do basically is let him know you two have to talk about something that is bothering you. Without distractions around, first let him know that what you are about to tell him is something you feel he has a right to know and the only reason you didn't mention it before is because you weren't really sure of how serious this relationship would become. However, you are now feeling serious about him, and believe him to be feeling the same about you and you do not want to go one more day without telling him. After you say that, proceed to tell him the situation and then add something like, understanding this may take him a back a bit and you're sorry for not telling him earlier. You can reassure him that if the two of you do go further in your relationship and want to raise a child together, there are options for you such as adoption and that you would be okay with that (if you are) and if he is okay with that.
It's a touchy situation, but one that has to be addressed. You definately do not want to let it go to where he pops the question and then you either a) drop the bomb on him or b) enter a marriage with some sort of deception going on. Neither of those options are good options.
I feel for you and wish you the best. Hopefully he loves you enough to not see this as a huge problem. Good luck.
You all have very good points and I agree with each and every one of you. I should have told him from the get go. It definetly is not fair for him if I never told him, because we make sure to tell each other everything. I guess the issue is finding that "just right" moment. And Mari, we have been together for almost a year come the 12th of may. It may not seem like a lot to some, but it feels like i've been with him longer.
I definetly want to make sure not to commit fully until he is aware of this fact! it is his right to know.
I definetly would want to sit down and talk to him about this. thank you all so much for the feedback!! more would be great
you need to tell him before he even asks you THE question. dont make him play honorable. he may feel like he must now honor his "promise" with you. that is not fair to him and h may end up resenting you later.
he may surprise you and say he loves you so much that he doesnt care--and maybe you can adopt.
or he may give you his true feelings--that he wants his own children. either way--better to know NOW and notwhen you are filing divorce papers...
You all have very good points and I agree with each and every one of you. I should have told him from the get go. It definetly is not fair for him if I never told him, because we make sure to tell each other everything. I guess the issue is finding that "just right" moment. And Mari, we have been together for almost a year come the 12th of may. It may not seem like a lot to some, but it feels like i've been with him longer.
I definetly want to make sure not to commit fully until he is aware of this fact! it is his right to know.
I definetly would want to sit down and talk to him about this. thank you all so much for the feedback!! more would be great
To some maybe yes it may not seem like very long but I can totally relate with you as to it feeling that it has been longer. To begin with, a year is a pretty long time and definately a sign of a serious relationship. I know with my fiance, we haven't been together that long but to us both it feels like we have not only been together longer, but like we've known each other forever. Sometimes it just happens that way.
But definately, if its been going on a year now... you probably should have told him long ago, but should haves, would haves and could haves, is not going to change the fact that you didn't. So you just gotta do the right thing now and tell him. Hopefully he will be understanding and it won't be a deal breaker for him. But either way, he needs to know and you gotta do it for yourself too. I'm sure this is weighing heavy on you and well you need to lift that load by coming clean about this.
Just tell him what is going on. If he leaves, then you know it was not meant to be. On the other hand, if he stays, you can face it together. He may want to start going with you to see new doctors for new opinions, you know things change. I think all of us in long term relationships or marriages can attest that there is usually at least one "test" to see how couples prevail and you may be surprised. Good luck!
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