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Old 08-14-2021, 01:00 PM
 
Location: Columbia SC
12,598 posts, read 11,171,899 times
Reputation: 18546

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Illyxo View Post
We are in lockdown, so plans are hard to make. We have been dating for two years. Last year I went through a miscarriage, so had a difficult birthday.

He decided to make me cake and dinner for my birthday.
When I arrived at his house, he gave me a card and flowers (he had previously purchased me a gift of theatre tickets). He had not yet started cooking and the process was taking quite long. I am a good cook and always cook for him, so I helped him out with some things.

We had a good chat and then had dinner, and he got quiet and the conversation sort of fizzled out. He asked to lie down in bed for a bit with me, and then he fell asleep for a short while.

He attempted to pleasure me when he woke up but I wasn’t really in the mood, so we just had sex.

I then said I did not want to stay in bed on my birthday, so we moved to the lounge room and I asked to do cake. It was the first time he had made a cake in his life.

Anyways, he seemed tired and the conversation was a bit dry, and he asked me if I wanted to watch something or go home.

I ended up going home as it was late, but I felt that he wasn’t very present or festive and now I feel disappointed.
Other then you and your parents, you birthdays are not that important to others precious.
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Old 08-14-2021, 02:01 PM
 
Location: equator
7,820 posts, read 3,669,456 times
Reputation: 18602
Quote:
Originally Posted by rfomd129 View Post
He made a cake for you from scratch? Wow! I'm impressed. That takes a lot of effort for someone who doesn't normally bake and I would be quite touched by that. In addition, flowers, a card and theatre tickets (plus bedroom activities just for you) - what he did showed so much thought and care.

Also, you're an adult. Scale back your birthday expectations and adjust them to those of an adult and you'll see what a thoughtful and loving birthday this gentleman provided you with.
Some men are just not wired into the special dates/birthdays/anniversaries/flowers/cards scene.

I've been married to 3 of them, lol. Birthdays/anniversaries were usually forgotten unless I brought it up. I've almost never gotten flowers or cards or gifts. We'd just go out to dinner and maybe not even on the day. They forgot their own birthdays too.

Sure, the movies influence us to think we'll get all that every time, but it isn't reality for everyone.
I asked my husband once why he never gave me cards or flowers or gifts and he said "I thought the big stuff was more important."

So I realized the new RAV4 he gave me, $1,200 saddle and $4,000 corral he built with his blood, sweat and tears were actually more important then a card or flowers.

Ideally we could all have BOTH, but reality-check. I've grown out of birthday/anniversary expectations. Makes life easier for me too, not having to buy gifts or worry about HIS special day, lol.

Just another perspective on possible adult expectations.
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Old 08-14-2021, 03:36 PM
 
10,808 posts, read 10,177,976 times
Reputation: 25443
Quote:
Originally Posted by Illyxo View Post
I really wasnt raised in that way. I seldom celebrate my birthday but he knew I wanted to this year to make up for last.

I dont care about presents. I care about my boyfriend talking to me/showing interest in conversation instead of zoning out - at least on my birthday.
All the gifts and homemade cakes don’t make up for zoning out on you or feeling like someone is just going through the motions.

You’ve been together long enough to see who he is, and after two years, now is the time to really evaluate where you’re at because unfortunately it’s not going to get better. What do you want for your future and can you really see a place for him, as he is, in it?
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Old 10-15-2021, 04:40 PM
 
72 posts, read 12,022 times
Reputation: 198
God this kind of thing makes me wary to get back into a relationship on the chance I'd have to deal with 1/10th of this, sorry.

He bakes you a cake from scratch, cooks you dinner, flowers, card, theater tickets, etc. for your freaking birthday (who cares about birthdays; we all have them) and you come grousing about it here, because his conversation didn't light the world on fire? I wouldn't wish that hellishly tepid and critical response you wrote up on my worst enemy. Maybe he just wasn't having a great day or was tired (maybe from all the birthday prep work) and/or was feeling down / distracted by something (maybe by the undue scrutiny on / disappointment with his efforts, which maybe he could sense in spite of your surface efforts to look appreciative)? Does he need to do some lines of coke to ensure a Las Vegas spectacular presentation and make sure you're sufficiently entertained on your buwfday?

I'm sorry about your miscarriage, but unless it happened on your actual birthday most people aren't going to connect the two things, and even then maybe not. Frankly, pretty much no one really gives a crap or keeps track of one's birthday experiences unless they're major milestones (21, maybe 50, 70? etc.). I don't even of my own.

I myself would feel grateful with any one of those items from my significant other. I feel grateful if anyone outside my siblings and parents even knows it's my birthday (I'm not on social media). Hopefully you two can either come to appreciate each other (it may well be that it's just you appreciating him that is needed), or if you can't, split up.

Last edited by pclem; 10-15-2021 at 05:24 PM..
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Old 10-17-2021, 01:19 PM
 
Location: USA
295 posts, read 63,979 times
Reputation: 226
Quote:
Originally Posted by pclem View Post
God this kind of thing makes me wary to get back into a relationship on the chance I'd have to deal with 1/10th of this, sorry.

He bakes you a cake from scratch, cooks you dinner, flowers, card, theater tickets, etc. for your freaking birthday (who cares about birthdays; we all have them) and you come grousing about it here, because his conversation didn't light the world on fire? I wouldn't wish that hellishly tepid and critical response you wrote up on my worst enemy. Maybe he just wasn't having a great day or was tired (maybe from all the birthday prep work) and/or was feeling down / distracted by something (maybe by the undue scrutiny on / disappointment with his efforts, which maybe he could sense in spite of your surface efforts to look appreciative)? Does he need to do some lines of coke to ensure a Las Vegas spectacular presentation and make sure you're sufficiently entertained on your buwfday?

I'm sorry about your miscarriage, but unless it happened on your actual birthday most people aren't going to connect the two things, and even then maybe not. Frankly, pretty much no one really gives a crap or keeps track of one's birthday experiences unless they're major milestones (21, maybe 50, 70? etc.). I don't even of my own.

I myself would feel grateful with any one of those items from my significant other. I feel grateful if anyone outside my siblings and parents even knows it's my birthday (I'm not on social media). Hopefully you two can either come to appreciate each other (it may well be that it's just you appreciating him that is needed), or if you can't, split up.
Agreed. My husband half-heartedly gave me very small, "practical" presents for my birthday and Christmas during our first several years together. Sensing his lack of enthusiasm, I finally asked him about his reluctance and wanted him to give me a completely honest response. He did. He stated that gift-giving is "bull**** men are forced into by women," and he hated it. This applied to purchasing presents for his family members and friends as well as for me. I immediately and permanently relieved him of this irksome duty to me, but he continued to do it for others, especially his parents, gritting his teeth all the while. OP, count your blessings that your man made such a tremendous effort -- and perhaps ensure that your next birthday celebration is less intensive and more enjoyable for all involved.
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Old 10-17-2021, 04:18 PM
 
Location: USA
295 posts, read 63,979 times
Reputation: 226
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sand&Salt View Post
Some men are just not wired into the special dates/birthdays/anniversaries/flowers/cards scene.

I've been married to 3 of them, lol. Birthdays/anniversaries were usually forgotten unless I brought it up. I've almost never gotten flowers or cards or gifts. We'd just go out to dinner and maybe not even on the day. They forgot their own birthdays too.

Sure, the movies influence us to think we'll get all that every time, but it isn't reality for everyone.
I asked my husband once why he never gave me cards or flowers or gifts and he said "I thought the big stuff was more important."

So I realized the new RAV4 he gave me, $1,200 saddle and $4,000 corral he built with his blood, sweat and tears were actually more important then a card or flowers.

Ideally we could all have BOTH, but reality-check. I've grown out of birthday/anniversary expectations. Makes life easier for me too, not having to buy gifts or worry about HIS special day, lol.

Just another perspective on possible adult expectations.
Been there, too. My husband would take a bullet for me but not willingly give gifts or remember special occasions.

My husband is a retired engineer. My two significant boyfriends before him were a physicist and a mathematician. All three men were awkward and reluctant about presents, flowers, etc.

I casually dated a theatre director, a poet, and a musician before the STEM men. All three of the artistic men were lavish with compliments, flowers, chocolates, books etc. Nothing expensive (thank goodness) but very heartfelt.

I love my engineer husband but am glad I have my bank of fond memories of the artistic men to draw upon when still another birthday or Christmas rolls around with little acknowledgement.

OP, count your blessings.

P.S. I might also mention that two of the artistic men cheated on me. None of the STEM men did. So I count my blessings.
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Old 10-18-2021, 05:04 AM
 
Location: Belgrade, Serbia
495 posts, read 470,306 times
Reputation: 546
Dinner, Cake, card, flowers, tickets.

Not sure what your gripe is.

If he is prone to anxiety as you state he was probably anxious about your b-day and your reaction won't help to make him any less anxious in the future.

Maybe he is just tired. Would like to hear his side of the story.

Last edited by Cmusic29; 10-18-2021 at 05:33 AM..
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Old 10-20-2021, 12:50 AM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,442 posts, read 1,522,762 times
Reputation: 4438
Trust your instincts, OP. I don't blame you for being disappointed.

Is the relationship making you happy, overall?
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Old 10-20-2021, 12:14 PM
 
226 posts, read 56,669 times
Reputation: 380
Quote:
Originally Posted by Illyxo View Post
I took him out to a fancy, expensive dinner by the waterfron and got him a $200 leather bag for work which he loves
Wow. So it's all about the monetary value of the "gift". You are acting (please make note that I am not saying you ARE selfish) merely pointing out that you are ACTING selfish.

He had flowers, card, and baked a cake? I'm 62 and never got all that. You are lucky and maybe even a little spoiled ? Please don't tell on me for saying you're spoiled. LOL
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