Dating a widower, love him dearly but I think it might be time to call it a day (therapy, separate)

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by Chowhound

Man, really sorry to hear this. I know you've mentioned it in the past. That's a pretty young age to become a widow. There is another couple of regulars here that lost their husbands at a young-ish age.

Mrs. Chow's mom had a partner for a lot of years and he died about 11 or so years ago. I don't think she had much interest in meeting men. She was around 70 at the time. I was hoping she would find a nice older gentlemen to do things with on the occasion. Like dinner and a movie once in a while.

None of my business of course and I don't think I openly said anything to her about it.

My father passed earlier this year and he had been a widow for 2 or 3 years now. He never bothered with another relationship. I actually tried to encourage him to reach out and find a nice lady friend, but he just wasn't having it. My dad was a pretty needy guy in that he needs to have a wife and more friends, I was always different from him in that respect.

It saddens me a little that you think her daughters wouldn't want you to have another relationship. With all due respect I know it's your business and yours alone what you do and I know that I think I'd probably be so frazzled that a new relationship would even be on my radar.

Best of luck to you moving forward and I'm sure the people in your life want the best for you, even if it can be annoying at times.

My wife raised her two daughters for 18 years following her divorce from their father and did so with no support from him whatsoever. They were and remained very close. It took years for them to finally accept me, especially as their father drank and drugged himself to death three months after we married. She'd been single for 18 years until I came along and until then had no use for men. Thankfully she liked, respected and trusted me and the rest is history. My stepdaughters final came around and were glad she finally found someone to love and who loved and was good to her. They now love me for it but remarry? I don't think so.

Annoying at times but endearing.

[stevie60]

I just passed the 7 months mark. I tried dating awhile ago and got my heart crushed. So I am back to just working on my own health and fitness and reading a lot and gardening and landscaping and just staying busy. I want to date, really, but I got crushed because I was not ready and I don't need that.

I had already discussed things with my daughters. My wife taught them very well and they understand their dad's need to have love in his life again. They would be accepting of someone new. The only issue is when I am ready and I don't think I am there yet.

A widow or widower has a difficult enough time of it without having selfish family members.

[MinivanDriver]

Originally Posted by alwayshappy

Please bear with me. First of all I would like to say that losing anyone close to you is a nightmare, especially when they have left small children behind. I do understand that my partner has had a hard road and has his own grief to cope with. This question is from my own point of view. I met him 5-6 months after his wife died 13 months ago, he was on a dating web site and looking for a partner. We hit it off, we got on really well, found we had a lot in common and being together made us both happy. I was so naive, I had no idea of the extent of his grief and maybe if I had known I would have run. My children are young, three under 7, he has two around the same age as my older 2. I really have to think of all our kids too, what is best for them.

OK, apart from everything else, this issue has come to light and it is not one I am happy about at all. His ex-partner (I know, what an awful word, his dead partner sounds worse though) family is having a party for a distant uncles 50th. They invited him weeks ago, he told me about it and we made plans to go. However, just a week before it is about to happen, he finally told them he was bringing me, they said they didn't think that would be a good idea. None of her immediate family will be there, her parents are dead and he is completely estranged from her siblings. These are distant relatives. However because he is estranged from her family, the others feel that if I am there other distant family members will be offended and they might say somehting nasty and overshadow the uncle's birthday celebrations.

I said that's fine, I guess you won't be going then? A couple of months ago I was invited to a wedding in another country, he wasn't. I made the decision not to go as I felt that he should have been invited and given as much importance as my ex-husband would have been. I explained this to the bride and she said she understood but space was limited. We didn't argue, I just explained I wouldn't be coming as she had excluded my partner.

But he is going to his party, and he doesn't understand why I have a problem with this.

His house is a SHRINE to her, many photos, her clothes still in the drawers and wardrobe, her cosmetics still in the bathroom. The last outfit she wore still in the clothes hamper in the bathroom. THere is one tiny photo of me in that house, and I have voiced my unhappiness about it. He says the photos are for his children, whom he does not want to forget about their mother. I agree that the children should not forget their Mum, and do not want him to remove anything unless he wants to. But as his girlfriend of over a year, I think that when I walk out of his house there should be some sign in there that I am important to him.

He tells me he loves me constantly, and how his life has changed in so many positive ways since we met, and that he wants to be with me.

But I feel he is living 2 lives and although I have told him this he has changed nothing. I am very tired and frustrated.

I want to know what others would do in my situation.

Please help and thanks in advance

Back off and give him time. While you may think you understand, I don't think there's really any understanding his struggles unless you've actually been through it yourself.

Grief is a terrible thing and the process certainly isn't linear. This is especially true when someone has lost a spouse. I am told that it's like part of your soul being torn away. When a friend or close relative passes, it's a terrible thing. But when a spouse passes, it's several orders more difficult because your lives are linked together in almost infinite ways. You mention the shrine he has created to his wife's memory? That's completely natural. He's torn between holding onto the past and moving ahead into the future.

As far as the family gathering is concerned. Families are particularly strange when the surviving spouse has a new love in his or her life. After my late business partner passed away, his wife began seeing someone a few months later out of sheer loneliness. No, it wasn't the wisest move on her part, but I can understand why she did so.

When her late husband's family learned about the relationship, they were absolutely savage to her. They almost completely cut her off from the family. They would call her daughter, but would not speak to her. They would not invite her to family events. I even got a phone call from my partner's brother, demanding I do something. I refused, and that was the end of my friendship with this family as well. To this day, I have never forgiven them for the way they treated Julia.

Another thing? Your guy is dealing with raising two children on his own at a time when they are most fragile. The foundation of their entire world has been taken from them, and his first duty is to help them recover. I can only imagine how hard that has to be on him. What's more, what if his children aren't ready to have a new woman in their lives? They have lost their mother. Are they worried that their father's attention will be divided between them and a new romance? Only they can answer that, and they're likely too young to really articulate their feelings on the matter.

Your nose is out of joint because he is going to this party without you, while you gave up a wedding because he wasn't invited. The two are nowhere close to equivalent. Whether you like it or not, he needs to have the support of extended family, and his children need to have a relationship with that family. It is not up to you to decide which family members are close and which are not.

Meanwhile, you voluntarily gave up a chance to go to a wedding because he wasn't invited? That's on you, not him. Given the distance, he might not have felt comfortable leaving his children behind anyway, given how they recently lost their mother. You made a sacrifice that he didn't ask of you.

All this is to say that you are dealing with not just a man who has gone through something devastating in his life, but an entire family. His priorities are centered around not just personally recovering from this wrenching loss, but helping his children navigate an even more complicated maze to ensure that they come out on the other side as emotionally healthy as possible. It's not all about you, you know.

So give it time. Don't be in a hurry. Let the process continue. For if this guy is as terrific as you say he is, remember that the loyalty and devotion he is giving his late wife today will be the same qualities that he may eventually bring to a relationship with you.

PS: I didn't realize this was a Lazarus thread.

[MinivanDriver]

Originally Posted by reneeh63

I know this post is an old one...but even so....

I think many widowed people, but especially men start dating quite soon. Perhaps because of "needs"...or because they are lonely...or because they have kids they really don't feel they can parent on their own. My ex father-in-law lost his wife in childbirth and had 3 young children to raise. He found a woman in a hurry...divorced her just as fast and then remarried again immediately after. My ex said she was a very mean woman...it was terrible for him after losing his mother when he was just 3.

What hurts is when you try to give the benefit of the doubt that someone is ready because they say they are...you get attached and then there are complicating family factors. Your and his kids are probably too old to blend well - at best they can be civil now and friendly once they are adults - there's no need to try to make a Brady Bunch family. Remember, even siblings don't always get along!

I think the most likely explanation is that men have less of a support network than women do. Men tend to have fewer close friends than women and, even then, are unsure of how to talk with other men on a deeper emotional plane. So they naturally seek the emotional intimacy that women more readily provide.

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by MinivanDriver

Grief is a terrible thing and the process certainly isn't linear. This is especially true when someone has lost a spouse. I am told that it's like part of your soul being torn away. When a friend or close relative passes, it's a terrible thing. But when a spouse passes, it's several orders more difficult because your lives are linked together in almost infinite ways.

Excellent description of the heartache that follows. Linked together indeed!

[Live&Learn45]

This original post is 9 yrs old, but so many can still relate today. I met a widower online in May. Me: Divorced 5 yrs after emotionally abusive marriage. Him: 2 1/2 yrs widowed after 20 yrs of marriage. He was the first man in 4 months online that I corresponded with. I just had a feeling when he contacted me that no one else gave me. We talked on the phone for about 3 weeks then met in person in June. I am the first woman since he wife died that he has been with. There was an instant attraction. And to be honest, I think we moved way to fast after meeting, but there was a connection there. But he has not fully healed. In July he had an emotionally bad day after trying to go through some of her things (yes, he hadn't done anything) he had feelings of guilt. He told me he couldn't imagine me not being in his life b/c he felt like he had known me forever but he wasn't ready to give his heart to anyone again. He is an extremely good man. Compassionate, great father and grandfather. I've chosen to stay friends with him for now. We haven't met each other's friends/family. I can see the steps he takes as he heals. Small but progress. He's given some stuff away, been through the birth of second grandchild, wife's BD has came and gone. He use to apologize when he'd talk about his wife, but I told him never to do that. Honestly, the way he talked about her, their relationship, their love..it was one of the biggest reasons I was attracted to him and told me a lot about who he was. She was apart of his past/life for 20 yrs. She helped make him into the man he is today. I think that's a personal choice. Some people can handle it, some can't. I never want him to feel like he can't talk about her or share with me. I don't plan on staying in the exclusive friend zone for years, but I have plenty of time to give for now to wait and see what happens. i wouldn't have chosen this type of relationship, I was looking to date. I do want to eventually remarry. But I fully believe there is a reason we are in each other's lives. Why I answered him instead of all the others. Whether God is using me to help him heal, and in the process showing me what a good man looks like, or whether we'll end up together, only God knows. Each of us makes our choice and decides. This has been hard. It's emotional. But I know he's worth waiting for if there's a chance. If it never goes beyond friendship, I'll move on but still have a great friend. We've only known one another 4 1/2 months so I'm not rushing anything at all. Who am I to tell someone they should be moved on after 2 1/2 years? It took me 4 of being alone to heal after my divorce. Can't imagine losing the one you love. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer for anyone. It's a personal answer. What you can handle. What feels right. No one can tell anyone what to do, every situation is unique and you have to follow your heart.

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by MinivanDriver

I think the most likely explanation is that men have less of a support network than women do. Men tend to have fewer close friends than women and, even then, are unsure of how to talk with other men on a deeper emotional plane. So they naturally seek the emotional intimacy that women more readily provide.

This is absolutely why men have more problems with the loss of a spouse.

They can't cry and cuddle up with their friends, the wife was their emotional relationship where they could be open, the wife was normally the social force and the nester.

When I was widowed I spent a lot of time on the widow boards, and read what the men wrote and it was heartbreaking - they lost more in a lot of ways.

I had my female friends, I could hug, cuddle and cry, I could talk for hours with them and have my emotional needs..... cared for.

[spicynurse]

Hello everyone. I know this is an old thread, but I'm hoping to get answers here.

I am not a widower, have never been married, but was dating a widow. I need some advice from those who have lost a spouse so I can try to understand my ex boyfriend's actions. None of my friends have ever dated a widow and this is the first time I've ever experienced this myself. I am 43 years old with a 21 year old son in college.

I met my ex-boyfriend on a dating site 3 months ago. He stated upfront that he was a widow and he suddenly lost his wife a little over two years ago. I was skeptical about dating him, I expressed my concerns about his "readiness" to date and he assured me he had therapy and was ready to date and love again. It had been years since I was in a serious relationship.

He led the relationship at a very fast pace, to the point I was not comfortable moving that fast. It was a long distance relationship, we would see each other twice a month and spoke every day via Facetime, on the phone, text, or email. He told me he loved me, told me this is the happiest he's been since his wife passed away, and he even spoke of marrying me one day. We had long intense talks about our future. He even met my family (excluding my son because we did not want to bring the kids in to it until later).

I was scheduled to meet his family the week of Christmas and he told me about the week before he was feeling depressed. I could see something was not right, he was not himself and he was distant. I told him I understand the holidays may bring up some sadness. I agreed to just "be there" for him. Then out of the blue, he sends me a text canceling my visit for Christmas week, then stopped calling, then stopped answering my calls. The consistancy went all the way out the window. He shut down completely. I stepped away for two weeks without any communication because I wanted to give him his space to deal with grieving on his own. This was extremely painful, and I kept myself busy so I didnt bother him with calling him or speaking to him like I was used to doing everyday.

Then I reached out on New Years Day after two weeks of no communication just to check on him and he blocked my number. I was hurt, confused, and unsure why he would block my number when I did absolutely nothing wrong to him, nor was I pressuring him or bothering him. However, he did not block me on social media, so I was still able to reach him that way.

When we finally did speak, he told me he blocked everyone from calling him that was not family (although we had been talking about marriage and me meeting his family and he had already met mine, so you can imagine how much I was hurt behind this statement), he also stated he didnt wanted to talk to anyone and it wasnt "personal" he just needed time to clear his thoughts. He then proceeds to tell me how much he misses me. Then a few days later when I reached out to him, he's distant again and then I just had to express my feelings because I felt I was being very accomendating and needed to know where I stood because I felt he just didnt want to "say it", trying to spare my feelings.

He responded to my email the next day, officially "ending" things, saying he was not as ready for a relationship as he thought, he's still hurting, he had every intention on having a relationship with me because I was good to him and good for him but he's not happy right now, etc. I never responded.

It's been a month and I'm trying to pick up the peices of my life. I was skeptical about moving at a very fast pace to begin with, but he was adament that he was serious about me and having me in his life. He dated other people before me, but says none of them was a "good fit" for him. I do know he told his sister in law and daughters about me (he and his late wife shared no kids together), and he's still very close to her family and her daughter. Everyday his late wife's name would come up in our general conversations and I really didnt think anything of it because I felt his late wife was a part of his past and who he was before he met me. I told him in the beginning to never let the love die for her and I meant that.

I guess I'm just trying to hear from the other side so I can better understand his actions. We have not had any communication since he officically broke things off via email. I'm very hurt and confused behind all of this and just at a complete lost.

Thank you for reading.







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raininseattle 02/03/2018

[Mikala43]

It's hard being a widow/er, especially when younger and the death was unexpected.

You never know when you are done grieving, and you may think you are ready for something only to find out your not. It can be hard on yourself, and even harder on others when you start dating and your not ready.

Some get wrapped up in the wonderful feelings of a new relationship, only to find themselves sucked into the grief again. It could be any number of things, it all can very complicated.

I'm sorry he did that to you, it was unfair.

[LeaveWI]

Anyone ever find out what the OP ended doing? Her last activity here was spring 2009. I'd be curious