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I am a widower and its been 15 months now. I tried dating early on and I was not even close to ready. The emptyness and the sorrow has actually gotten much worse as time has gone by. The few women I met several months ago both had deal breakers. Fortunately I was out of their lives very quickly. And I have not even tried dating since. I want to love again, I need that in my life, but I am too much of a mess emotionally to even try.
At the rate I am going, I think I will still be a mess at 2 years. Your boyfriend sounds sort of like a relapse? Is that the term? He may have had a moment and thought deeply about where he is in life and where he thought he might be going and maybe he got scared or panicked? Or maybe he discovered a deal breaker?
Depression is a real bummer. It dominates your life. I just got a prescription to happy pills and they might be making it worse. Unfortunately, your boyfriend is giving widowers a bad name. Do you really want him back now that you have learned he is a bit of a mess? Do you really want to deal with the moodiness?
I am a widower and its been 15 months now. I tried dating early on and I was not even close to ready. The emptyness and the sorrow has actually gotten much worse as time has gone by. The few women I met several months ago both had deal breakers. Fortunately I was out of their lives very quickly. And I have not even tried dating since. I want to love again, I need that in my life, but I am too much of a mess emotionally to even try.
At the rate I am going, I think I will still be a mess at 2 years. Your boyfriend sounds sort of like a relapse? Is that the term? He may have had a moment and thought deeply about where he is in life and where he thought he might be going and maybe he got scared or panicked? Or maybe he discovered a deal breaker?
Depression is a real bummer. It dominates your life. I just got a prescription to happy pills and they might be making it worse. Unfortunately, your boyfriend is giving widowers a bad name. Do you really want him back now that you have learned he is a bit of a mess? Do you really want to deal with the moodiness?
Thank you for expressing this from the widower's point of view, it helps me better understand. Each day I am getting stronger and I have decided if he was to ever "come back" that I cant deal with this again. It's too much of an emotional roller coaster and I can't live my life waiting for the next trigger that may throw him into a depressed black hole where he starts to mistreat me again. In fact, I just don't think I'd ever date another widower again.
I understand grief all too well, as I am grieving myself. However, my grief is due to the tragic loss of my brother and not a spouse. So, I was very understanding when it came to his grief. However, I just didn't expect to be mistreated in the process.
Although I am also grieving the loss of a sibling, it is a separate dating issue for me. I view my grief and dating as two separate things. However, with him grieving the death of a spouse, it relates directly to him attempting to date again and it's not a separate issue.
For the record, I had plenty of opportunities these past four years to date but I just could not do it knowing I was not 100% mentally fit in my book. This is why I say you need to distance yourself from him. Wish him well and move on.
Last edited by MichaelBC; 02-20-2018 at 10:06 AM..
Reason: because I'm a guy and I had more to say
When was the 1st time you were ever invited to his home where you saw the photos?You should have ended the relationship then after being to his home.He is only making an excuse about having the photos up in his home like that an dof course hiding behind his kids.He is only looking to have some woman be there for his kids.He had no right to be on a dating site UNLESS he was ready to truly date someone and the fact that he STILL has photos of his dead wife all over the house...well that there shows that he's NOT ready for anything.Think about it..he has SMALL kids so he's looking for someone to help out with those kids...that's not cool.
You should have left him once you went to his home.
When was the 1st time you were ever invited to his home where you saw the photos?You should have ended the relationship then after being to his home.He is only making an excuse about having the photos up in his home like that an dof course hiding behind his kids.He is only looking to have some woman be there for his kids.He had no right to be on a dating site UNLESS he was ready to truly date someone and the fact that he STILL has photos of his dead wife all over the house...well that there shows that he's NOT ready for anything.Think about it..he has SMALL kids so he's looking for someone to help out with those kids...that's not cool.
You should have left him once you went to his home.
My ex thought the same way, that pics on the wall of my late husband was some kind of memorial.
Nope, it was a project (hallway picture wall) I was in the middle of (I'm an amateur photographer with millions of pics and editing software - analysis paralysis) and when my husband passed away it was no longer a priority. Two years later still wasn't, some were still empty slots for pics. My ex told my friend that showed I hadn't moved on. What it showed was I was rarely home, and when I was I had other stuff that demanded my attention.
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My ex thought the same way, that pics on the wall of my late husband was some kind of memorial.
Nope, it was a project (hallway picture wall) I was in the middle of (I'm an amateur photographer with millions of pics and editing software - analysis paralysis) and when my husband passed away it was no longer a priority. Two years later still wasn't, some were still empty slots for pics. My ex told my friend that showed I hadn't moved on. What it showed was I was rarely home, and when I was I had other stuff that demanded my attention.
Ya know, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that just because I brought someone to my house a few times, I am supposed to have all pictures of my deceased spouse removed. In fact, if I had small children with them, or even big ones tbh, I'm not sure I would ever clear them completely from my home.
It could be me, but that just doesn't seem to be a reasonable expectation...
Ya know, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that just because I brought someone to my house a few times, I am supposed to have all pictures of my deceased spouse removed. In fact, if I had small children with them, or even big ones tbh, I'm not sure I would ever clear them completely from my home.
It could be me, but that just doesn't seem to be a reasonable expectation...
I don't think it is, especially with children as you mention.
I'm remarried, and I have a pic of my late husband up along with everyone else. My current husband specifically requested it.
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It makes me sad when people say they will not date a widower again. But I understand the reasoning. As widows and widowers we have to restrain ourselves from the drama and the comparisons to the departed. Maybe some are not able to see things in the proper focus. Maybe we have unreachable expectations. I have realized I am not ready to have another in my life. I cannot get thru most days without deep emotions and crying. And it scares me greatly. I am very afraid of growing older alone. I am afraid of being alone. And at the same time I know loneliness should not be the great motivator to finding another mate. If that is all its for, it has no chance of working out.
I know I am still not ready. And I don't feel like I have gotten any more used to this new life or gotten any better emotionally than I was a year ago. And at this age, it is worrying as I wonder if I will be much too old before I am able to try again. I think I sometimes feel guilty even thinking about another woman. Yes, I am a real mess and a widower that should be avoided. And its not a pleasant thing to acknowledge.
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