Dating a widower, love him dearly but I think it might be time to call it a day (marrying, man)

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

I don't know how he expects to move in with you AND keep her clothes AND sell the house they lived in etc.

Was he just going to move her shoes from this house to the next and you have to crawl over them into bed?

I have no answer for what your going through with him other then to say it sounds like he is still NOT ready.

I agree that you are not bullying him. You seem like a good person.

[alwayshappy]

Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren

I don't know how he expects to move in with you AND keep her clothes AND sell the house they lived in etc.

Was he just going to move her shoes from this house to the next and you have to crawl over them into bed?

That is just what I said to him, it raised his ire somewhat!

[trishguard]

Originally Posted by alwayshappy

Please bear with me. First of all I would like to say that losing anyone close to you is a nightmare, especially when they have left small children behind. I do understand that my partner has had a hard road and has his own grief to cope with. This question is from my own point of view. I met him 5-6 months after his wife died 13 months ago, he was on a dating web site and looking for a partner. We hit it off, we got on really well, found we had a lot in common and being together made us both happy. I was so naive, I had no idea of the extent of his grief and maybe if I had known I would have run. My children are young, three under 7, he has two around the same age as my older 2. I really have to think of all our kids too, what is best for them.

OK, apart from everything else, this issue has come to light and it is not one I am happy about at all. His ex-partner (I know, what an awful word, his dead partner sounds worse though) family is having a party for a distant uncles 50th. They invited him weeks ago, he told me about it and we made plans to go. However, just a week before it is about to happen, he finally told them he was bringing me, they said they didn't think that would be a good idea. None of her immediate family will be there, her parents are dead and he is completely estranged from her siblings. These are distant relatives. However because he is estranged from her family, the others feel that if I am there other distant family members will be offended and they might say somehting nasty and overshadow the uncle's birthday celebrations.

I said that's fine, I guess you won't be going then? A couple of months ago I was invited to a wedding in another country, he wasn't. I made the decision not to go as I felt that he should have been invited and given as much importance as my ex-husband would have been. I explained this to the bride and she said she understood but space was limited. We didn't argue, I just explained I wouldn't be coming as she had excluded my partner.

But he is going to his party, and he doesn't understand why I have a problem with this.

His house is a SHRINE to her, many photos, her clothes still in the drawers and wardrobe, her cosmetics still in the bathroom. The last outfit she wore still in the clothes hamper in the bathroom. THere is one tiny photo of me in that house, and I have voiced my unhappiness about it. He says the photos are for his children, whom he does not want to forget about their mother. I agree that the children should not forget their Mum, and do not want him to remove anything unless he wants to. But as his girlfriend of over a year, I think that when I walk out of his house there should be some sign in there that I am important to him.

He tells me he loves me constantly, and how his life has changed in so many positive ways since we met, and that he wants to be with me.

But I feel he is living 2 lives and although I have told him this he has changed nothing. I am very tired and frustrated.

I want to know what others would do in my situation.

Please help and thanks in advance

He is dating way too soon after his wifes death. You are likely just keeping the sheets warm until he's over his grief and ready to find his next true love.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by alwayshappy

That is just what I said to him, it raised his ire somewhat!

She was his wife. The mother of his children. Why does he need to get rid of her stuff? She was a big part of his life. Throwing away the possessions of someone you love can be hard. It's like throwing them away. My husband has tried to get rid of my mom's coat several times in the 27 years since she died. It's still taking up space in the closet. I can't throw it away because it would be like throwing away a link to her. Perhaps he feels the same way about her things.

[alwayshappy]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

She was his wife. The mother of his children. Why does he need to get rid of her stuff? She was a big part of his life. Throwing away the possessions of someone you love can be hard. It's like throwing them away. My husband has tried to get rid of my mom's coat several times in the 27 years since she died. It's still taking up space in the closet. I can't throw it away because it would be like throwing away a link to her. Perhaps he feels the same way about her things.

I didn't expect him to throw them away, but perhaps putting them away would be nice, since he wanted us to live together? Where am I supposed to put my clothes and why do I have to accept this from him? People make extra special considerations for widowers but I think a line needs to be drawn somewhere. I don't think that is unreasonable of me. While he had a great marriage and was happy with her, if he wants to have a great marriage and be happy with me surely it is not too much to expect a few boundaries? And that we set up our life together how both of us like?

I am still not sure why some people think I should give him utmost consideration at every turn and expect none myself.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by alwayshappy

I didn't expect him to throw them away, but perhaps putting them away would be nice, since he wanted us to live together? Where am I supposed to put my clothes and why do I have to accept this from him? People make extra special considerations for widowers but I think a line needs to be drawn somewhere. I don't think that is unreasonable of me. While he had a great marriage and was happy with her, if he wants to have a great marriage and be happy with me surely it is not too much to expect a few boundaries? And that we set up our life together how both of us like?

I am still not sure why some people think I should give him utmost consideration at every turn and expect none myself.

You don't have to accept it. You are free to move on. She's always going to be there. It's not like they stopped loving each other and she left. She died.

Why should you give him consideration and not yourself? Simple. He's a widower. He's been through the death of a spouse. Have you? He's dealing with children who have lost their other parent. Are you? Yes, his situation warrants consideration.

He's the one who has to grieve and figure out how to live his life with his memories of his late wife. He's the one who has to figure out if he even can have another relationship after her death. No, you can't demand anything here. Your choices are accept the situation or leave. You're not the one who gets to dictate the path his grief takes him down.

Personally, as I said before, I think you're a crutch. He leans on you because he needs to lean on you but I'm not sure you'll ever have the relationship you want with him. I think you're kind of the rebound relationship. I suspect, if/when he's ready for a real relationship again, it won't be with you. He didn't have a chance to move on before starting his relationship with you. How can he process everything with you there?

[Mathguy]

Originally Posted by alwayshappy

After I posted and received your amazing replies, we took a break. But slowly he began calling and coming to see me, tears in his eyes, saying he missed me so much. He is such a lovely man, how could I say no and possibly let him go forever? We decided to try again, and he agreed on a few things, finally took her clothes out of the washing hamper and let me tidy a few things away (such as her slippers from beside the bed) but nothing major.

Reading this a year later has come as a shock to me, because I realize nothing much changed. He wants us to move in together, and we went looking at houses the last few weekends. This weekend (Easter), we decided to clean out his house ready for the real estate agents to put on the market. I have my own house as well, but because of where I live we think it would be better to keep it as it is in a wonderful area and easy to find tenants. We have spent a few weekends in the garden at his house, and it looks great. He was pretty insistent about what parts of the house we would be cleaning out, so I called him on it. I asked if we would be doing his room as well, and putting her clothes out of the wardrobe and drawers, some away to family and charity and a few special items to be kept for the children.

Well, he blew his stack I am sorry to say. Who did I think I was, why did I think I would be helping him do it, and finally, this is the real blow -it had nothing to do with me and to just back off.

I was just blown away, and asked why? He said he is not ready to let go of her stuff. I queried him on his readiness to move in with me, if he was not ready to let go of her stuff. Of course he got very upset and said I was bullying him and he was not going to be pushed into anything. We have been together two years! No one else has ever called me a bully, it is not in my nature and I was not bullying him.

So I found this thread again, read it in it's entirety and realized that nothing has changed in the last year and it is unlikely it ever will. This time I have to be strong, and keep in mind the same angst I felt a whole year ago is the same now, and I don't want to feel like this any more.

Sometimes, I wish I had never met him. The good times are so good, but the bad times are hideous.

Hmmm....he wants you to move in together...but then asks who you think you are? What you are asking isn't unreasonable. Sounds like your guy and the last gal I dated were basically the far ends of the spectrum for reasonable behavior in this type of situation.

Two years together? Well....he owes you a little more than what he is giving you. I would split with him, clean break, don't look back and urge him to get some help.

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

I have my Father's cowboy boots and a tie of his that was my favorite but they don't take up room that might belong to a perspective mate I would have in my life.

The fact he keeps her things in a place like she is coming back to use them makes him sound like he hasn't accepted that she is gone and there fore isn't ready to move on with someone else.

If Alwayshappy moves in with this guy, its going to be three of them in the bed, the dead wife, the husband and her. Thats too crowded for me thanks.

Have you suggested he speak to someone about grief counseling??

[future1]

Yes, he needs some consideration for all he has been thru-but if he is talking about living with you he needs to look forward with sweet memories of the past. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE of YOURSELF in this situation. In my ugly marriage I fault myself most heavily for somehow letting my ex get the impression it was okay to treat me the way he did.

So my advice is pack up the pieces of your heart, take the lessons you learned from this experience and move on to a new day. Only the people in the situation can make the decision to stay or go. Please do what is best for YOU. The circumstances you describe do not sound like the makings of a happy ending. If he had to ask "who do you think you are" the two of you have a different view of your relationship. My advice then becomes run for the nearest exit, do not look back. But again this is a choice only you can make-be good to yourself

[teatime]

Originally Posted by Sundance

You met him before he was done grieving.
I think you need to step back a bit and give him some space and time.
I don't see the party as a big issue....
I think you are trying to rush him....you need to leave him be.

He probably should've taken more time after his wife passed, to grieve properly.

However, if you really love him, keep him in your life and give him some time. Don't pressure him before he is ready.

It's very possible that he really loves you; but the thing is.....if he did not go through the grieving process, he will not be able to enter into a relationship fully.....so step back - he sounds like he'd be worth waiting for.

This is spot on. First of all, out of sheer emptiness and loneliness after the death of his wife, he started the dating bit and he met you. I'm sure he fancies you, HOWEVER he is STILL a grieving man. YOU need to understand this. My goodness, his wife has been dead barely a year and it sounds to me as if you simply expect him to move on with you in a carefree fashion. It's not going to happen, and if you don't help him through his grief rather than expect him to behave as if nothing happened, then you're bound to prolong it.

Secondly, I don't blame his wife's family or him ONE BIT for not inviting you to the party. Why would they? It would be awkward. Again, these are people who have suffered a loss, too, and they may want to talk/reminisce about the dead wife. They might feel they'd have to walk on eggshells with you there and it's THEIR event. That's not fair. And it's especially not fair for you to expect him to decline their invitation for your sake.