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And Claire_F's sentiments are the exact problem with dating a widower.
It's all about them, and the person dating them is expected to take whatever crap the widow/er dishes out.
The fact is, he chose to get involved with me. Neither of us really knew what we were doing I think, I had no idea and I don't think he did either. But in a relationship there are TWO parties, and that one has lost their spouse to death shouldn't automatically make bad behaviour from them acceptable, when you would not accept that from anyone else.
I also experienced loss, when my husband left me while I was pregnant with our third child. That does not give me any excuse to treat my new partner with any less respect, or for me to wish my ex-husband was still with me, and telling the new partner this. If a person has lost a spouse to death they should think very carefully before dating someone new.
I have called off the relationship.
Once again he professes his love and adoration and misery at this. But as the other party in the relationship I believe I am entitled to just as much love and respect as he is. I don't want to hear about his dead partner any more, I don't want to be in her shadow and I don't want to wait around until he is ready, because it might be never and as awful as it is for him I have children to think of, and a life to live.
I am at peace with my decision and I know he will be too once he calms down. He needs to grieve her and I don't think me being around is helping him at all.
By the way, the entire time we were together (about 13 months) I have been extremely understanding, loving and a listening ear. Not just about her, but we got on very well and talked about everything. I will miss him terribly but simply can;t keep living in this limbo anymore.
Hurrah! Good for you! Now you're free to meet a truly available man.
Once again he professes his love and adoration and misery at this. But as the other party in the relationship I believe I am entitled to just as much love and respect as he is. I don't want to hear about his dead partner any more, I don't want to be in her shadow and I don't want to wait around until he is ready, because it might be never and as awful as it is for him I have children to think of, and a life to live.
I am at peace with my decision and I know he will be too once he calms down. He needs to grieve her and I don't think me being around is helping him at all.
By the way, the entire time we were together (about 13 months) I have been extremely understanding, loving and a listening ear. Not just about her, but we got on very well and talked about everything. I will miss him terribly but simply can;t keep living in this limbo anymore.
This must be very difficult for you both, but congratulations on stepping up and taking back control of your life!
When you mentioned several things i felt they were a bit much like the cosmetics, dress in hamper. But then the party? He gets along well with her distant relatives, but not her immeadiate? I'm sorry but don't you think that sounds BIZARRE???
He didn't get along with her immeadiate family huh..c'mon, think it through!
You've gotten ALL your info from him, haven't you?
Why don't you follow him unawares to this "party for a distant uncle" and meet his other girlfriend, the one he only needs to remove a small picture of you from his house to keep her in the dark about you.
I'm sorry but I smell a rat.
It's thirteen months later! What happens if a "distant relative" of hers stops by, you hide in the closet?
Somethings not right, i'm sure they don't expect him to become a unich.
Ouch, a lot of harsh sentiments people.
Sometimes things just aren't working out, as simple as that, no need to make one or the other into a bad person to better rationalize things.
I'd be curious how his wife died as that could have an impact.
I am a widower of about one month. My wife fought cancer for many years and it got worse near the end to the point that her passing brought with it the emotion of relief and a frenzy of activity to step up and cover more of the duties with our kids that she'd still been attending to. (She went rather fast near the end which was a blessing)
I now find myself switching over to a degree of sadness and missing her as the other feelings subside...missing the person that wasn't in pain and the good memories.
That being said, I would love to have a *girlfriend* in the sense that my wife's condition prevented much intimacy for over a year...but there is no way I'd want to have a relationship.
That being said, if a single gal friend of mine wanted to see a movie and have an open casual relationship like people have when they are 20ish and dating then that would be one thing but to start seeing a mother with 2-3 little kids who is "daddy shopping" ....wow.....not hardly, I recognize what I can handle and offer in a relationship (or more appropriately could not offer or handle) that I wouldn't go that direction.
Best of luck to you (and him), I feel you made the right choice.
I see you've made your decision and that is obviously what feels comfortable for you.
I too feel as if many of these posts are a bit flippant. I've been in the thick of this situation both from the sudden death of the love of my life to a subsequent relationship with a guy who lost his wife to breast cancer.
I've found that men will jump into a relationship much quicker than women do. I don't know if this is a sexual thing or the fact that most men need a woman for emotional support. I can also tell you that it takes years for the deceased loved one to eventually become less a focus in your memory. Just as a new relationship takes time to build, a past one of the same magnitude also takes time to un-build but it does happen. This doesn't mean you can't start a new relationship for years because you love different people in different ways and for different reasons.
The best idea I ever heard was for the new couple to sell the old house and get a new one that's their own with new memories. It appears to me he just doesn't know what to do with her things. Were you to stay I would suggest you offer to clear them out for him while placing the photos and some memorabilia, jewelry perhaps for the girls, in his kids room. After a year it's time. That was insensitive to you. If you had ever been through this as I have you would be more sensitive to the situation overall. You have been rushing him in the larger respect, the transition takes time and patience.
Relatives will sometimes be akward but will come around. The good part is that you know he is capable of loving someone deeply, much better than pairing up with a cold fish. Sooner or later, depending on the person, they will see that the person in front of them is who they are living their life with and need to pay attention to if they want to continue on with life.
Somethings not right, i'm sure they don't expect him to become a unich.
You would be shocked at the bizarre expectations placed on widows/widowers by their families and/or ex's families. I dated one who, 3 years later, was given grief and called names simply for dating again. She had kids from her ex, and she wanted to stay involved with the family for their sake. They were incredibly insensitive to her as a person. I've heard this problem from several widows that I know, though I don't know any widowers. The man's family is dealing with their own grief, and in the process seems to hold the widow to ridiculous expectations.
As a widow of 5 years albeit older, my LH died unexpectedly in his early 50s. I think you did the right thing. If he is holding onto her clothes etc. then he is not over her. I gave away all my husband's clothes and put away all but 2 pictures of us that are not openly displayed, 6 months after he passed away. I did date within the first year but it was for companionship, as I was very lonely but I didn't have children at home.
Divorce is different than death of a spouse yet in many ways similiar, if you didn't want the divorce.
I personally have to wonder about the family b'day. That makes no sense to me especially if they aren't immediate family and even then they should be happy that he has someone in his life.
Read 'The grief recovery handbook' it gives some good examples of how death and divorce are the same for the surviving spouse.
Well he went to his party. Said it was awful (he sent me an e-mail), tables and tables of people just blanked him. AT least they spoke to the children. I think he thought that because he had such a bad eperience I would say well OK lets work it out.
Instead I sentt him back an e-mail with a message saying I was really sorry but when he was able to commit 100% to a new owman to call me.
Well he went to his party. Said it was awful (he sent me an e-mail), tables and tables of people just blanked him. AT least they spoke to the children. I think he thought that because he had such a bad eperience I would say well OK lets work it out.
Instead I sentt him back an e-mail with a message saying I was really sorry but when he was able to commit 100% to a new owman to call me.
Well he went to his party. Said it was awful (he sent me an e-mail), tables and tables of people just blanked him. AT least they spoke to the children. I think he thought that because he had such a bad eperience I would say well OK lets work it out.
Instead I sentt him back an e-mail with a message saying I was really sorry but when he was able to commit 100% to a new owman to call me.
I feel horrible and I miss him so much.
I am so sorry for you because I can feel your pain through your words. I can also tell that you honestly love and care about him and his children. I can also relate a tiny bit because a couple of weeks ago I called a man to the carpet that I've been "seeing" for almost a year. He's a widower that never could fully commit to making me a part of his life. He'd been widowed for many years though is the only difference.
I was divorced many years ago and could not allow myself to move on for many reasons. I think when you're widowed that there are other emotions involved that must make it even more difficult and perhaps some people that are divorced and some that are widowed just can't ever get to the point where they can allow themselves to do that?
In your story though, sense everything is fairly recent - his wife's death as well as your relationship, I truly think that if some space and time are involved that perhaps he can come around. I think it's fine for you to hope for that, but I also think you have to find a strong inner strength to stay away for now. In the end you're allowing this relationship to end if it isn't going to change or you're helping him to get his act and life in order to move on with a new one with you. If he sends you another email, ask him if he's gotten rid of the clothes and makeup - that sure would be a great first step.
God bless you however things go. You're doing the right thing IMO even though I know it hurts greatly.
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