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05-21-2008, 04:03 PM
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Location: USA
1,246 posts, read 1,755,274 times
Reputation: 722
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamerika
I appreciate the responses and to answer a few more questions, he is supporting all of them. He has two 4 yr olds, 7 yr old, 9 yr old and a 10 yr old. The older ones he didn't know about until two years ago and the two 4 year olds are with his wife ("soon-to-be-ex" next month). He's told me that he wasn't the "greatest" guy when he was younger and the term "young, dumb and full of *um" is what best suited him).
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So basically he was 18, 19 and 21 with the first 3. 2 of those are really close there which could even mean he was playing 2 girls at a time. Was he married to any of these women as well?
The last 2 children sound like twins or also very close in time as well.
If you are being intimate with this guy, please, please, please, be sure you are using protection because not only the issues of diseases exists but goodness this guy seems very capable of producing offspring. You don't need and opps before you are ready to say that is what you truly want.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamerika
I'm the type of person who puts myself in someone else's shoes... if I had 5 children and unfortunately things didn't work with the ex...does that mean no one will want me the rest of my life? I think I have the right to be loved and so I will definitely give someone like this a chance because I want to know what's really behind or in their mind.
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Absolutely, not saying anyone is not worthy of love simply because they have made some very poor decisions in their life and have had relationships that didn't work out. That is not what I think anyone is saying here, but the thing is that 1) you are very young to take on so much responsibility and possible drama in your life. 2) this guy unfortunately, bad choices or not, immaturity or not, has developed a very bad pattern here of being with a woman, fathering a child, relationship doesn't work, jump to the next woman, father another child and the cycle continues and repeats over and over again like a broken record. Do you really want that continued dysfunctional cycle to now include you and possibly leave you as a single mother with 1, 2 or more children of your own, can you be certain that you will find someone that will be as compassionate as you are trying to be and become a good role model and step-parent to your children. It is something to really consider here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamerika
Ugh. I hate this. I guess I will have to talk to him really good and start with... his SINGLE status first and then from then, move on
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamerika
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I am sure you do. You got into this situation and probably or obviously have developed feelings for this guy. You are probably torn between what the logic in your mind is telling you (because you did come here and post this with the question you did meaning you have some doubts) and the feelings that you are feeling (which may feel very real to you but could also be misleading you a bit). You really have to go more with your head in this one than with your heart. For your own protection here. And absolutely yes, I would not move very much further in this relationship until he has achieved single status AND you have been together far more than just the 3 months you have now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamerika
I greatly appreciate EVERYONE for taking time in responding. It ABSOLUTELY helped me!
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Glad the advice and opinions are helping. Just take it slow, think it through carefully. Weigh the pros and the cons. Imagine the worst case scenario and if you are willing to live with that worst case scenario then move on as you wish. However, if you are not, then step back cause that worse case scenario may become your reality.
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05-21-2008, 04:11 PM
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20,626 posts, read 18,496,583 times
Reputation: 24367
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Okay. Have you lost your cotton-picking mind? Seriously.
Let's start out with the fact that you're dating a married man. If a man divorces his wife and marries his mistress, all he's doing is creating a job opening.
Five kids? That's a heck of a lot of child support money you'll help pay during the course of your marriage. How he'll have anything left over for you is beyond me.
Next, if he keeps these kids in his life, that means you'll be dealing with four ex-wives, one of whom he slept around on with you. Man alive, that will yield some interesting drama whenever you go to pick up the kid for a day at the park.
Outstanding parental skills is not a matter of being nice to the kids. It's a matter of having the basic integrity to stick around when things get tough, making the kids do their homework, clean their rooms, and generally function in life. Essentially what your guy is doing is being there for the fun parts of parenting, which is like saying, "I don't eat my vegetables, but I eat my dessert every day."
In short, what you have on your hands isn't a father. You have a sperm donor, a guy who talks the talk, but walks out on his responsibility when he sees a woman who's a little hotter. Are you really sure you want this amoral halfwit in your life? Because, aside from donating sperm, the only other thing he's going to give you in the long run is a whole lot of misery.
Twenty-two is just way too young to be saddled with a problem of this dimension. Find somebody who really cares enough for you to be in it for the long haul, and wait a few years before popping out a child of your own.
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05-21-2008, 04:15 PM
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Location: home
180 posts, read 340,767 times
Reputation: 98
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RUN as fast as you can! wtf 5 kids by 4 different women? thats a lot of baby mama drama! up till my husband i made it a rule to never date a man with kids period! i love kids but i hate drama and a man with that many x's definately has some baggage 
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05-21-2008, 04:17 PM
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20,626 posts, read 18,496,583 times
Reputation: 24367
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamerika
mary4him
Thank you sooo much for your advice. I absolutely see and realize that yes, I'm too young to be in that much stress. Am I just fresh meat on his dirty ways? Maybe. Am I going to have kids to he can just leave me? Maybe. He does not have a great reputation. I've never been in that situtation before. I'm used to it being me and my of (of 7-years) and that's it. No drama. No baby mama's. AND THAT DIDN'T WORK....here I am going for a man with a lot of past-but-present issues.
I think the best thing will definitely be to be friends ONLY.
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Good thinking on your part. I don't care how smooth his words are. His actions prove that he's pretty despicable. Don't you deserve better than that? You seem to be someone who does. |
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05-21-2008, 04:25 PM
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Location: USA
1,246 posts, read 1,755,274 times
Reputation: 722
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamerika
mary4him
Thank you sooo much for your advice. I absolutely see and realize that yes, I'm too young to be in that much stress. Am I just fresh meat on his dirty ways? Maybe. Am I going to have kids to he can just leave me? Maybe. He does not have a great reputation. I've never been in that situtation before. I'm used to it being me and my of (of 7-years) and that's it. No drama. No baby mama's. AND THAT DIDN'T WORK....here I am going for a man with a lot of past-but-present issues.
I think the best thing will definitely be to be friends ONLY.
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You are very welcome. Being just friends (as long as you know and trust yourself enough to be just that) is probably the biggest favor you can do for yourself and even for him right now. His past is definately part of his present and not only that, but will continue to be part of his future. Fortunately or unfortunately for him. It will be what he makes of it. Call it consequences of his actions. But the one thing that it is not, or should not be, is your consequences. You didn't create that mess for him, he did that all on his own. He really needs to just take time for himself and focus on his 5 children, not on creating any more. If there was ever a case for vasectomy, I would say this is it. And I don't mean that in a bad or insulting way, it's just he's really got enough on his plate that he needs to step up to and take care of without having to add more to it.
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05-21-2008, 05:23 PM
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Location: Bay Area
58 posts, read 143,923 times
Reputation: 75
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I have to tell you that a lot of things jumped out at me when I read this, but the main thing was how you say you've been dating this man for 3 MONTHS and already he's told you he wants to have kids with you. In three months you really are JUST STARTING to get to know someone and building a foundation of friendship that will be the core of the relationship (if it leads to that), and to tell someone at this stage that you'd like to add to your family of the 5 children you've already got (with 4 different moms)- WHILE you are currently going through a DIVORCE at the same time gives new meaning to the words- red flags. I would never tell someone not to date someone BECAUSE of the amount of children they had or how many relationships they had behind them- persay- but I would tell them that people give us a HUGE preview into what you can expect once you decide to be with them- lots and lots of hints- and this man is giving you PLENTY outright. I don't know how old the kids are, but the fact that he's only 28 and there are 4 moms to these 5 kids PLUS one or including one who's about to be another ex and he's now moved on to you and talking about adding more brothers and sisters to the mix makes me wonder among other things where his kids stand in this. Has he ever talked about their feelings on how frequently dad has someone new? I'm glad that you see him as a great dad with great parenting skills but I have to question his judgment and insight on allowing for an adjustment period for everyone (himself included) before he thinks he's emotionally ready and mature enough to move on to the next person. I know you said you're not a mom and you're still very young at 22, but trust me- whether they show it or not, these things do affect the kids. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone grows and learns at their own pace, but from the things you said he doesn't show himself to be at all grounded enough to be trying to add to his lot. He's got a whole lot of growing up to do and self-examining to do (and kids to take care of!) AND a divorce to have behind him- before he should even be THINKING about all that it takes to invest in another relationship. And another indicator of where he stands in the realm of sincerity, maturity, decision-making, and plain respect for a family and a relationship, (all things you would want the guy you're with and FATHER OR YOUR CHILDREN to possess, why don't you tell him you need to take things slow, like, turtle-with-a-cramp slow, and see how he digests that. If it's enough to make him sit back in shock and wanna thank you for making him see how fast he's been rolling, you MIGHT stand a chance. But if he's not happy with having to wait or slow down his pace, you WOULD want to run for the hills!
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05-21-2008, 05:32 PM
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Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,547 posts, read 18,345,911 times
Reputation: 5761
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I would never consider a man who flits from woman to woman. He has a history of NOT staying with his partner and being a real parent. Why would you accept this in a partner. What makes you think he is going to stay with you? His history shows you that he will not. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
To me, the issue is not the number of children at all, its all the different women.
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05-21-2008, 06:10 PM
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4,715 posts, read 7,063,550 times
Reputation: 950
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I hope you are a lawyer. He will spend a lifetime in court in the next 20 years...getting hammered for child care costs...If you feel sorry for him, buy a teddy bear to hug...
You have a number too...#5....get your head on straight before its too late and get out of there.
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05-21-2008, 06:31 PM
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Location: Beautiful Kentucky
820 posts, read 1,560,839 times
Reputation: 498
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Oh dear Lord, do not even consider this for a moment. Perhaps he has grown up and is ready to lead a different kind of life. Regardless, he has five kids from the choices he's made so far. That's way too much for a young woman to deal with.
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05-21-2008, 07:52 PM
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Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,310 posts, read 15,207,513 times
Reputation: 6331
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I strongly suspect that this is a trolling operation, but I can't resist. I hope its a trolling operation anyway, because its disconcerting to imagine that anyone could exhibit judgement this poor. I made plenty of stupid, stupid, stupid decisions when I was in my teens and early twenties, but that sort of thing tends to dry up around the quarter century mark in most young men who have any sort of productive future ahead of them. Further, most people need to make a life-altering mistake ONCE before they never do it again. Five times a baby-daddy can not be written off as being "young, dumb and full of (gross);" That's pathological. Also, paying your child support on time and spending an hour with your kid every other weekend is NOT the same as being a father. What he's doing is dooming all of his children to problems in life. Problems with relationships, problems with mental health, and problems with responsibility (among others). This guy is without a doubt charming, probably very handsome and smooth talking, but he's trash. Forget him. If you make any commitment with him that you can't walk away from (e.g. marriage, having a child, NOT USING BIRTH CONTROL) you're going to be a very sad 25-year-old single mother who is having real difficulty finding a young man who is willing to take care of some deadbeat's child.
I really hope that you're joking.
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