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Married 15yrs, 2 kids middle school age, I work, she is SAHM.
I feel like I show my love for my wife by doing nice "out of the ordinary" type things. Groc shop and buy her a "treat" that I know she likes but won't buy it because it is nearly pure sugar(and she gets embarrased buying it herself). I cook as often as I can, breakfasts but mostly suppers.....and they are not normal things(ie, shrimp, chicken, cajun, and some "plain" stuff). I've bought her a free 1hr massage that she can do anytime she wants, flowers for no reason, gifts for Christmas/b-day/anniversary, etc.
I feel it is all one-sided, sex once so far this month, I haven't gotten a gift for b-day for I don't know how long, and forget about anniversay gifts. The kids and her will be w/her family today thru monday so she went groc shopp'n, nothing there for me to eat or cook(I gotta work). When I get home from work I usually make my own supper, and when I'm about done she'll say "I brought home supper for you". I'll say I'm sorry that I didn't see it and ask where it's at, typical answer is "Oh, I guess it's still in the car".(happens alot, and has probably been in there a good 3hrs).
I take care of the bills, all finances. She hasn't balanced a check book for 15yrs.
I don't want to paint a "pretty picture" of me, I have my problems. Biggest complaint is work, too much of it.
This can't be "love", she'll say it over and over, but I don't feel it at all. I feel like roommates.
I can't make her change, so why bring it up? Do I keep doing what I am doing, or quit so she can see when it's gone? Is this typical? I'ts been like this a while and I feel like I'm try'n and she is just waiting till I get it right before she'll do something for me. I'ts make'n me tired.
I have made a "romantic" gift for her for our anniversary, I don't know if I want to give it to her anymore.
Sounds like you're in a similar position to what shuke was in maybe 5 to 7 years ago.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. Cave Man
Married 15yrs, 2 kids middle school age, I work, she is SAHM.
I feel like I show my love for my wife by doing nice "out of the ordinary" type things. Groc shop and buy her a "treat" that I know she likes but won't buy it because it is nearly pure sugar(and she gets embarrased buying it herself). I cook as often as I can, breakfasts but mostly suppers.....and they are not normal things(ie, shrimp, chicken, cajun, and some "plain" stuff). I've bought her a free 1hr massage that she can do anytime she wants, flowers for no reason, gifts for Christmas/b-day/anniversary, etc.
I feel it is all one-sided, sex once so far this month, I haven't gotten a gift for b-day for I don't know how long, and forget about anniversay gifts. The kids and her will be w/her family today thru monday so she went groc shopp'n, nothing there for me to eat or cook(I gotta work). When I get home from work I usually make my own supper, and when I'm about done she'll say "I brought home supper for you". I'll say I'm sorry that I didn't see it and ask where it's at, typical answer is "Oh, I guess it's still in the car".(happens alot, and has probably been in there a good 3hrs).
I take care of the bills, all finances. She hasn't balanced a check book for 15yrs.
I don't want to paint a "pretty picture" of me, I have my problems. Biggest complaint is work, too much of it.
This can't be "love", she'll say it over and over, but I don't feel it at all. I feel like roommates.
I can't make her change, so why bring it up? Do I keep doing what I am doing, or quit so she can see when it's gone? Is this typical? I'ts been like this a while and I feel like I'm try'n and she is just waiting till I get it right before she'll do something for me. I'ts make'n me tired.
I have made a "romantic" gift for her for our anniversary, I don't know if I want to give it to her anymore.
you need to just come out and ask her what she needs. their is something you are not providing probably because you work to much. money/gifts are not everything. maybe she needs you to go for walks holding her hand. Maybe she needs a little vac by herself if she hasnt had that. a little more intamacy just because (watch tv and rub her feet) its hard to say. women typically are more emotional. their is probably something she is not "feeling" and you just dont get it. It sounds like you help around the house which is typically a womans complaint so my guess is for some reason she is not feeling emotionally attached to you.
I do think that you deserve little tokens of love. You sound like a very loving husband.
Has she ever shown you tokens of how she appreciates you, and has now stopped? Or did she just never do it? If she never did, you can sit down and talk to her and ask her if she'll just humor you...do these little things...that this is how you can "see" her love even though you know she loves you. See what she says.
If she did it before and has stopped, then a talk is DEFINITELY in order...even more so than the above! Because something changed. You need to find out what and how to fix it.
My husband and I have different ways of "showing" love and I don't expect him to do the same things I do for him, and vice versa. Is it possible she's "showing" it in certain ways that you're not seeing? For instance, the other day my husband's brakes were squealing so I told him to take my car to work and I'd take his to the shop. While I had his car for the day, the kids and I saw to it that it got fixed, then took it for an inside-and-out cleaning (vacuuming, washing, waxing). Then I fixed up his car with his favorite sports team--I put a cap in the rear window, and a sports blanket over the baby car seat in the back. I also saw that he was down to digging out his last bit of Chapstik with his fingernail, LOL, and there was an empty Altoids box. So we went to the store and picked up new ones and put those in his car too. He commutes and stopping for gas takes up even more time for him so we topped off his gas too.
He came home to a completely different car. It may not sound "romantic," but it took a lot off his plate...he didn't have to find the time to get the car fixed, he didn't have to clean it. He didn't have to stop for gas. He was very happy! I was thinking of him, what could make things easier for him, and what would feel really good (getting into a nice, clean, shiny car filled with his favorite things).
He on the other hand is the one who always remembers anniversary dates, "firsts," etc. I NEVER remember those. He tends to do little nice things all week long for those. (Added benefit: it gives me a "heads up" that they're coming!) Or if he knows I'm having a hard day, he'll call before leaving work and ask if he can pick me up anything on the way to make things easier.
Maybe explain to your wife how those little things mean so much, and ask whether you could "both" start doing those things for each other more, to take the heat off her a little and make her non-defensive, and see what happens.
Talk to your wife about how you are feeling. I only wish my DH would show me more that he loves me but he does enough. We moved to the country so I could keep my horse, I get the new cars, and I get to stay home but it would be nice to have him just help me by cooking nice meal with out complaining, or offer to help me with the laundry. I do alot for my DH as well I cook his meals 99% of the time I do his laundry, clean the house and we have a very good sex life. We have been together for 7 and half years and I just want to keep the spice in our marriage and it could have to with the fact that I am 5 years younger than him. i wish you good luck.
wow! i had no idea. when i read about you wanting to do something special for the anniversary, i thought it was so sweet! i didnt realize there were problems because you were so excited to do something so special!
there must be something bothering her that she is not telling you. it might be hard to get it out of her though. are there any friends of family members of hers that might know something you dont? maybe you can ask for them to help you figure it out.
"Married 15yrs, 2 kids middle school age, I work, she is SAHM.
I feel like I show my love for my wife by doing nice "out of the ordinary" type things. Groc shop and buy her a "treat" that I know she likes but won't buy it because it is nearly pure sugar(and she gets embarrased buying it herself). I cook as often as I can, breakfasts but mostly suppers.....and they are not normal things(ie, shrimp, chicken, cajun, and some "plain" stuff). I've bought her a free 1hr massage that she can do anytime she wants, flowers for no reason, gifts for Christmas/b-day/anniversary, etc.
I feel it is all one-sided, sex once so far this month, I haven't gotten a gift for b-day for I don't know how long, and forget about anniversay gifts. The kids and her will be w/her family today thru monday so she went groc shopp'n, nothing there for me to eat or cook(I gotta work). When I get home from work I usually make my own supper, and when I'm about done she'll say "I brought home supper for you". I'll say I'm sorry that I didn't see it and ask where it's at, typical answer is "Oh, I guess it's still in the car".(happens alot, and has probably been in there a good 3hrs)."
I've learned guys think like this EXACTLY and don't get what's wrong. It's the point system!!!!
A lot of the things you've described are things you feel you should earn EXTRA points for doing, unanounced gifts, flowers and such. You describe mostly out of the way, tender caring things. ARE YOU DOING THE LITTLE THINGS WOMEN VALUE ABOVE ALL THAT?????
ARE YOU MAKING SURE THE TOILET SEAT IS DOWN?
ARE YOU TAKING OUT THE TRASH WHEN SHE ASKED?
ARE YOU DOING THE DISHES OCCASIONALLY?
HOW ABOUT THAT LOUNGE CHAIR, ARE YOU CLEANING UP AROUND IT REGULARLY?
These are what women tabulate as points. The flowers that you think should earn you 10 points only got you ONE!!!! And you were already in the hole -2 for leaving the toilet seat up for the thousandth time this morning.
Some good points, some I have thought a little about and some I never thought of. I'm kinda stupid about the quotes in my reply so I'll just answer.
When were watch'n tv, 8 out of 10 times I'll give her either a foot/leg rub or back rub.
She used to do things for me, but it has been a gradual slow down.
I try to think of what she does for me, it's hard. I guess she takes care of the kids and does my laundry, buys my clothes.
One thing I am try'n to look at more carefullly is her parents and sisters. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. She is like her dad, easy going, absent minded, and doesn't do much for his wife. Her sisters are like her mom, I could never live w/her b#$%#'n but she does alot for her husband.
It's not the end of the world to live like this, maybe its pitty.......which is pathetic I think. I just need to suck it up, quit being a "Nancy"(quote from everybody loves raymond)
What i hear in the opening post is upset and frustration at the one-sidedness of the relationship. If someone feels like they give give give and don't get in return, then it feels like a total drain of energy. It is an extremely unfulfilling, dissatisfying place to be.
It's less about "who's doing what" around the house or in the marriage or in the relationship, as to the "big picture" feeling of balance, or in this case, imbalance with one person feeling like he is doing all the giving, and getting nothing in return.
I give the opening post person a lot of credit for being honest about what is going on, and his feelings about the situation. There is no quick-fix, and it's not about this chore or that chore, what I'm hearing is the lack of feeling valued, appreciated, and cherished.
If you are able to talk to a counselor, that is a good start for getting clear and moving forward in whatever steps present themselves in your situation. Best wishes to you, and i applaud your contributions to the relationship across the board, and a willingness to look at things honestly, those will serve you in good stead in making a good life for yourself.
Married 15yrs, 2 kids middle school age, I work, she is SAHM.
I feel like I show my love for my wife by doing nice "out of the ordinary" type things. Groc shop and buy her a "treat" that I know she likes but won't buy it because it is nearly pure sugar(and she gets embarrased buying it herself). I cook as often as I can, breakfasts but mostly suppers.....and they are not normal things(ie, shrimp, chicken, cajun, and some "plain" stuff). I've bought her a free 1hr massage that she can do anytime she wants, flowers for no reason, gifts for Christmas/b-day/anniversary, etc.
I feel it is all one-sided, sex once so far this month, I haven't gotten a gift for b-day for I don't know how long, and forget about anniversay gifts. The kids and her will be w/her family today thru monday so she went groc shopp'n, nothing there for me to eat or cook(I gotta work). When I get home from work I usually make my own supper, and when I'm about done she'll say "I brought home supper for you". I'll say I'm sorry that I didn't see it and ask where it's at, typical answer is "Oh, I guess it's still in the car".(happens alot, and has probably been in there a good 3hrs).
I take care of the bills, all finances. She hasn't balanced a check book for 15yrs.
I don't want to paint a "pretty picture" of me, I have my problems. Biggest complaint is work, too much of it.
This can't be "love", she'll say it over and over, but I don't feel it at all. I feel like roommates.
I can't make her change, so why bring it up? Do I keep doing what I am doing, or quit so she can see when it's gone? Is this typical? I'ts been like this a while and I feel like I'm try'n and she is just waiting till I get it right before she'll do something for me. I'ts make'n me tired.
I have made a "romantic" gift for her for our anniversary, I don't know if I want to give it to her anymore.
Any suggestions? Thanks
You sound like a nice person and like you are going out of your way to continue to do nice things for your wife. You, however, are not feeling it reciprocated. Here is something that I have learned over the years and through attending many Marriage Seminars. Hopefully it will help you and your marriage out a bit.
We, as humans, tend to show our love in the same fashion we feel love when we receive it. Obviously, your way of showing love is what is considered gift giving and acts of kindness. This also appears to be the way that you feel loved as you are not feeling loved because you are not receiving the same in return.
Your wife, on the other hand, may have a totally different way of showing love and feeling loved herself. It could possibly be that hers are more along the lines of say words of encouragement, quality time, or physical touch. It could even be possible that despite all that you are doing, she herself does not feel loved, much like you are feeling.
I know you say there is no point in bringing it up because you can't change her. While this is true, no one can change anyone but themselves, bringing it up is crucial. It is something that is bothering you and unless you bring it up and have a heart to heart with her, it will eventually eat you up inside and potentially destroy your marriage.
I would suggest maybe going away for a weekend or something, maybe even an evening if you can't do the whole weekend thing and take time to talk to one another. Let her know, without attacking her, how you are feeling. Ask her if she feels loved by your actions or if there is something that perhaps you are failing to do. Basically take ownership of your feelings without necessarily blaming her for them. As you are telling her about your feelings, which are yours and are not necessarily right or wrong, they just are, expres to her what your needs are. She may not even be aware of how you are feeling or that she is somehow not meeting your needs.
In one of the Marriage Seminars that I attended, there was a great resources that truly helped me understand this concept a bit more. It's a book, not sure if you are into reading, but it's truly worth reading and sharing together with your spouse. If you don't like reading, perhaps you can see if it's available on audio cassette (I know some people that do that and listen to the book while in the car for example). I'll offer the link to it for you and hopefully it may help if you choose to utitilize it.
The Five Languages of Love - The Five Love Languages
(The site even has a short quiz to help you find your love language.)
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It may not sound "romantic," but it took a lot off his plate...he didn't have to find the time to get the car fixed, he didn't have to clean it. He didn't have to stop for gas. He was very happy! I was thinking of him, what could make things easier for him, and what would feel really good (getting into a nice, clean, shiny car filled with his favorite things).
