dating a widower and not sure to go forward. (wife, married, man)
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I have been dating a man for 13 months now. we met on a dating site that he said he was just looking to see what it was all about and couldnt help but write to me. although he is ten years older and has three kids we have so much in common and really hit off.
for me this seemed like it would be a fling maybe just get his feet wet a bit. I thought about the complete package and all the things he comes with like kids, greiving, and a broken heart. I just had a feeling and I followed my heart.
You should prob know that his wife committed suicide. she had post pardum depression. she had been trying to kill herself for a while before she actually did die so I assumed that would put a strain on a marriage. I met this man only two moths after her death.
He has packed all her belongings, pictures are down, he is seeing a greif counselor, and even redid the bedroom so its his and a not a memory of what they had.
the only problem is he has never told anyone that he was going to begin dating cause he was afraid of what they would think. so I come over a lot of times when the kids are asleep and I leave a few hours later. His children are 9, 7, 3. we do occasionaly get out for dates on our own but most of them are at his house. I know I have made this so easy for him.
He is a good man. he is open about his feelings and I have fallen in love with him. I just feel like our relationship cant move forward intil he tells people I am in his life. Even if I am introduced a friend. He told me that he still has some guilt like he didnt respect her enough cause he met me so soon after and that he isnt sure if he can love the way he has in the past. also he is afraid of what his children will think and all the changes that will come after.
am I wrong for staying and being patient. If he wants me to meet his children what is the best way to do this? I really need some advice. please
I don't know if most will agree with me, but being a secret in some one's life isn't a healthy way to develop a relationship. The two of you did start dating in what I would consider way too soon. However, if he truly cares about you and wants you in his life, then he needs to have you in his life.... not a secret that he pulls out during the dark hours under cover.
My eventual stepmother moved in a month after my mom died. 27 years later, they're still married. I would suspect their success under the circumstances is the exception rather than the rule, but hey, if it's right it's right. And it seems like you've mostly got a good thing going here.
That said, it's time he got a spine and told his family (hers too) that he's entitled to move on. I would be wary of fully committing until he can bring himself to do that. Being "the secret" is no way to be in a relationship. If you haven't told him about your concerns yet, now's the time.
I'm so sorry, I have been dating a widower too, ironically for the same amount of time as you. Would you accept this behaviour from someone who wasn't a widower? Of course you wouldn't, and you shouldn't allow him to do this to you either. I am so sorry, but it appears he is using you for sex. Run away before you get hurt and waste your life on this man.
I'm so sorry, I have been dating a widower too, ironically for the same amount of time as you. Would you accept this behaviour from someone who wasn't a widower? Of course you wouldn't, and you shouldn't allow him to do this to you either. I am so sorry, but it appears he is using you for sex. Run away before you get hurt and waste your life on this man.
It would be my thought that both his family and his deceased wife's family would want him to be happy, and for many people, happiness includes sharing your life with somebody you love. If I die before my hubby and he wants to get remarried, I have absolutely no problems with that and I know my mother would also have no problems. I feel certain that he's afraid to tell them for fear of them thinking he's insensitive or dating too soon. I've heard that it's best to wait a year before making any major decisions -- dating isn't exactly a major decision. I do think he started dating pretty soon, but who am I to judge. I haven't been in that situation. It's been 15 months since she died - family members (his family or hers) really should not have an issue with this. Neither should friends. He's entitled to happiness. I understand his concern about letting his kids know -- that is a different story. Because I have no experience in that area, I cannot provide any advice. If his not telling people (other than his children) is something other than being concerned what others might think about him dating again, that might be an issue.
I do understand that being a secret isnt a good thing but I am the type of person who likes the relationship to develop on its own and all I ask for is honesty. That he is. He answers any questions I have with good understandable answers.
He is not holding on to pictures or her clothes. He is moving on the best way he knows how. Me pushing him to do something I dont feel will help he needs to do it when he is ready. I think mostly its to protect his children.
And to whomever said he was using me for sex. He calls me morning noon and night everyday and tells me everything. When we are together that is not ALL we do and he would still have me in his life if we didnt and he has proved that to me.
He may be honest with you. But he's not being honest with his friends and/or family. I can understand why that is, but there's still something a little troubling about it. He's not willing to stand up for himself, and he's not willing to stand up for you either. If I were you, I'd start insisting on that willingness sooner rather than later, because if this carries on for much longer, that says some unflattering things about his character.
I agree to that. We just had this descussion before he left for the holiday and I said he needs to have some balls and realize that he is entitled to have a life. I told him that everyday that he sees those children he will think of her but that doesnt mean he cant fall in love again.
I had cancer five years ago and my fiance left me right as things got really tough. I know I didnt lose him the same as a death but I know Im entitled to have someone love me as much as I love them. All I can do is show him him that.
I just wish I knew more about kids. I am afraid one of them will find me there before he actually lets the cat out of the bag and that will make this situation really ugly. However by him coming forward and talking to me the other day I know he is thinking of about it which is the first step. Now I just need actions to speak louder than words.
You should expect the same thing from a widow/widower as you would any other male or female you would be dating.
I am engaged to a widower and it is not easy. He wants me to move into their dream house they built together. I don't think I can handle that.
Please go to [URL="http://www.abelkough.com"]www.abelkough.com[/URL] he is a very insightful widower who has remarried. It has helped me. I am not connected to this site in anyway.
I hope this helped.
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