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I have a lot to think about. I do get concerned about the risk to the child as I get older and I also worry about autism running in families. Actually, we've been going through a genetic testing series with our middle son to see if anything is discovered. So far he's negative for Fragile X Syndrome and for chromosome additions or deletions. That was just the basic test. Now they're going to look specifically at Chromosome 15 and 16 because those two seem to carry the most possible links (there's still obviously no firm genetic testing for autism as a general issue).
Most of my worry is centered around that, and around my own selfishness. I've been a mother for going on 22 years now. I do sometimes look forward to just throwing a 20 on the table and saying, "Mommy is going to her silly SCA meeting that you all like to laugh at. Order a pizza, NO SODA, and I'll be back at 10:00" and then go off smiling, fully knowing they'll be ordering soda.
I don't want to resent a child, who doesn't deserve it, for my feeling even more tired, for putting off going back to work even longer...I worry about that. I worry about splitting my attention among three small ones. (My oldest does not live at home.)
From a gut level I'm leaning toward "no" and realizing that I have three more children than some people will ever have...so I don't know how we could be selfish enough to create another anyway. Oh, I just don't know.
I'm just tired today...and I don't want to be old and tired before my time...and that's selfish too but...I don't wanna. I really don't. ETA: But my husband is half of this relationship and his feelings are just as important. I don't want there to be sadness. I don't want there to be regrets. I don't want it to be all about me.
I am so glad for all the input because I have both sides of the coin represented here and a lot of good points. Thanks again.
Oh, and we've talked about adoption a bit too, as miu asked.
All I can say is that I'm 31 and I'm done having kids. Done, like as DUN, done.
Getting pregnant and having another child just because your husband want's one? Not a good enough reason, besides it kind of puts a damper on my fantasy of you leaving your husband and running off with me. LOL
Wow -- what a hard call to make. I'm turning 50 tomorrow and I have an almost 4 year old and an almost 6 year old (both adopted.) Yes, I'm a few years older than you, and I know that two is our limit. I couldn't deal with another child to take care of. We love our kids totally, but we know that we want to be able to retire eventually and have a life as a couple in our older age. Of course, because of our ages and the girls' ages, we won't be retiring until later than a lot of people. We knew all of this going into it. What I didn't anticipate was how exhausting it is raising young children in my 40s and soon, in my 50s. I love it most days, and I go to bed happy, but I really am tired.
You've got your hands full with your two now. You hubby does have the experience of having a child who is emotionally responsive to him and I can understand how this makes him want another. However, you BOTH have to be fully happy with the idea. Especially if you're going to be the person who takes primary responsibility as the stay at home parent.
If you do decide to go for it and you're thinking about adoption, I'd be happy to answer any questions you may have, either here on the board or via DM. We had one very easy process (took about 9 months) and one much longer process (nearly 2 years.) Our children weren't newborns (which could be better for you at this stage of your life.) Our older was 8 months old when she came home and our younger one was 12 months old. We're sad that we didn't have them as younger infants, but it seems now like they've been with us all their lives. Both girls are from Russia. Somebody asked me just a few days ago if I'm sad that I didn't have bio kids. I said that there's a little part of me that is, but if I had had bio kids when hubby and I first got married, I wouldn't have the kids I have now and I cannot fathom that at all. These girls were meant to be ours .
Best of luck to you Jerz. This is a really hard question to figure out the right answer to. I hope you and hubby can figure it out to the satisfaction of both of you.
Wow -- what a hard call to make. I'm turning 50 tomorrow and I have an almost 4 year old and an almost 6 year old (both adopted.) Yes, I'm a few years older than you, and I know that two is our limit. I couldn't deal with another child to take care of. We love our kids totally, but we know that we want to be able to retire eventually and have a life as a couple in our older age. Of course, because of our ages and the girls' ages, we won't be retiring until later than a lot of people. We knew all of this going into it. What I didn't anticipate was how exhausting it is raising young children in my 40s and soon, in my 50s. I love it most days, and I go to bed happy, but I really am tired.
You've got your hands full with your two now. You hubby does have the experience of having a child who is emotionally responsive to him and I can understand how this makes him want another. However, you BOTH have to be fully happy with the idea. Especially if you're going to be the person who takes primary responsibility as the stay at home parent.
If you do decide to go for it and you're thinking about adoption, I'd be happy to answer any questions you may have, either here on the board or via DM. We had one very easy process (took about 9 months) and one much longer process (nearly 2 years.) Our children weren't newborns (which could be better for you at this stage of your life.) Our older was 8 months old when she came home and our younger one was 12 months old. We're sad that we didn't have them as younger infants, but it seems now like they've been with us all their lives. Both girls are from Russia. Somebody asked me just a few days ago if I'm sad that I didn't have bio kids. I said that there's a little part of me that is, but if I had had bio kids when hubby and I first got married, I wouldn't have the kids I have now and I cannot fathom that at all. These girls were meant to be ours .
Best of luck to you Jerz. This is a really hard question to figure out the right answer to. I hope you and hubby can figure it out to the satisfaction of both of you.
I would love to hear about your adoption process and the cost if you would like to share it here. I've always wanted to adopt, but I've lived through watching several of my friends adopt through other countries and it cost them around $25,000 - $50,000
I debated whether this should go on the Parenting board, but it's really more about being the older one in a relationship and the question of one more child...tough call.
Don't do it. Because you're older and more tired it would be much, much tougher on you.
My wife and I have two kids. We're both professionals who spent many years in grad. school etc. and we started a family later than most. Our son is typically developing and our daughter is mildly autistic (PDD). They are the joys of my life, but they're a lot of work and not a day goes by that I don't think about how I might feel if I was 10 years younger.
You have two great children with your DH. Count your blessings and call it a day.
I would love to hear about your adoption process and the cost if you would like to share it here. I've always wanted to adopt, but I've lived through watching several of my friends adopt through other countries and it cost them around $25,000 - $50,000
I had gone through 2 IVF cycles (our insurance would cover the cost of a total of 3 IVF attempts) and after the second negative pregnancy test, I told DH that I couldn't start a third attempt unless we applied to adopt first. We did, then I did the third IVF attempt. It didn't work, but we already had the application in and I was ready to really get going. DH's dad had died the year before and he knew that adoption was something we had been thinking of. He specifically left us money for either IVF attempts or adoption. We were able to afford our first adoption through his kind gift to us and through some more help from DH's mom. The total, with all agency fees, foreign fees, social worker fees, documentation fees (this was hundreds of $$$,) airfare, lodging and food in Russia, donations to the orphanage (most of which was donated by friends and family) and all incidentals was $25,512. We only had to make one trip to Russia which was unusual (most people go twice or even three times.) For the second adoption, for numerous reasons, our wait was much longer. We had to redo all our documents (which meant notaries and county courthouse authentications and state department apostiles all of which cost money) twice, and we had to do two trips to Russia in the middle of summer when airfares are double, and we had to stay longer in Russia for each trip. That adoption ended up costing about $36K.
Before this second adoption, hubby (who is a professor for a state university and doesn't make a huge salary,) was miraculously offered a contractual position as an expert witness in what we thought was going to be one trial. It ended up being 4 trials. He made twice as much money through that extra work over the course of 2 years as he does in one year in his regular job. Through that, we were able to fund the entire second adoption. Unfortunately, the adoption happened right in the middle of the trials and he was gone a lot of the time after our second child came home. That caused issues with DH's attachment with DDnumber 2 (though they are now fine.) We had no clue how we were going to pay for it when we first started the process for adoption #2 (we had some good ideas, but it would have meant taking on more debt.) We were lucky in that regard. Our fellow adoptive parent friends have taken out second/third mortgages on their homes, home equity loans, etc.
International adoption is not inexpensive. A lot of people have asked us why we didn't just adopt domestically. To be absolutely honest, we wanted a child as young as possible and being as old as we are, we were concerned that birth mothers wouldn't choose us. Also, with the way the laws are written in the different states, birth mothers have the ability to change their minds for quite a long period of time. After going through the emotional pain of failed IVFs and years of trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, I needed to know once I adopted, that child would be mine. The thought of loving a child and then having her taken away would have killed me, especially after trying for so long to get pregnant. And also to be honest, yes there are older children here who need families. There are also tens of thousands of children in Russia and Guatemala and China and Korea and many other countries who need families to love them. To us, a child is a child, no matter where they are from.
Also, if it's of any interest, we have had contact with both birth mothers in Russia and through translated videotapes, they told us how happy they were to know that their daughters are well-loved. Another of my reasons for going international was that I thought I didn't want to have contact with the birth mother. After our first child came home, I felt a frantic need to somehow let her birth mother know that she was safe and happy and loved. I found somebody who is a searcher who went to their town (both are from the same town) and found the birth mothers. Based on the info I have and the info they provided (and the fact that both girls closely resemble the birth mothers,) I know these are their birth mothers. How incredible it was for me to actually see them and hear them speak. My desire to contact them was partially selfish (I felt a need as a mother to let them know their girls are ok) and partially to find out medical information and partially to have information and photos for if and when my girls ask for more information. I will be able to provide it to them. I have not had more contact, but I plan to send each birth mom an updated letter this year with updated photos. I cannot look at those videos without crying. Their pain enabled us to have our sweet girls. To them I will always feel unquantifiably grateful.
I'm always happy to answer adoption questions. I'm so happy to have been able to create my family through adoption.
JerZ, I would urge you to look at what you want. From what you've said, you'd be raising another child (along with the other two) while your husband works. Although he's the one who wants another child more, you'd be the one with the extra responsibility most of the time.
I firmly believe that a child should be equally wanted by both parents. The person who wants a child the least should be the one with the final say. You don't owe your husband another baby just because he wants one. He hasn't been a father as long as you've been a mother, and besides, the two roles are very different. Not better or worse, just different.
I urge you to do this: On a day when your kids are driving you nuts, when you just want to walk out the door and disappear, picture a baby or a toddler in the mix as well. No, they don't remain small forever, but it would be very difficult. The extra stress is exponential. On a difficult day, would you resent making that decision? Would you begin to resent your husband for talking you into it? These are the questions you need to ask yourself, and make sure the answers are honest ones.
I love my two kids, don't get me wrong, but I couldn't imagine deciding to have a third child when my other two are already 23 and almost 20!
JerZ- whatever you decide, I'm confident it will be what is best for you. You seem sensitive and well aware of the positives and negatives of adding to your family. I admire you for loving your husband enough to consider his wants- many women would simply say no.
I'm almost 38 and have only one child- I always thought there would be another but the timing was never right- my new hubby has an autistic child and he's been fixed. We've talked about a reversal but with my age and his daughter, plus my sister is autistic, I think the chances are too high that the child would be born with potentially severe ASD, I think it's better that we don't have our own.
I am, however, considering adoption of an older young child- maybe 5-7 years old.
A boss of mine had her two kids at age 41 and age 44. Some women don't start menopuase until after age 50. But what' I'm hearing in your post is less the older mom thing, and more the i've-been-at-it for 20+ years do i really want to go there again thing.
Sounds like you and hubby have good communication and a strong solid relationship. Keep talking with each other, and don't jump into the decision until you are sure you are both behind it. Do it for you, too, whatever the decision is, not just for him. Best wishes with your lovely family!
PS there is nothing "selfish" about saying no to another baby, being honest with your feelings, your limits, your needs, and wanting to maintain a quality of life for yourself and your current existing family.
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