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I debated whether this should go on the Parenting board, but it's really more about being the older one in a relationship and the question of one more child...tough call. Also, I think I know more people here than there.
I'm the parent of three: a 21-year-old, an almost 5-year-old and an almost 2-year-old.
The 5-year-old, C, and the 2-year-old, E, are mine and my second husband's children. DH and I have been married six years and change. DH just turned 37. I will be 41 this summer.
Lately DH has been batting around the idea of one more child. It's complicated, but we were sure we were done when I got pregnant with E. C is autistic and very high-maintenance. We wanted to have siblings rather than one child alone and we had E and we love the kids to death. The thing about E, though, is that until he came along DH didn't really realize what it felt like to be the parent of a child who responded, talked, etc. like an "average" kid (C just started talking this past year and still doesn't talk very "interactively"...answering questions, etc.). DH LOVES C (our autistic son) to death, is affectionate with him, cuddly, tells him he loves him constantly, high-fives him. But until E, DH didn't realize parenting doesn't have to be like pulling teeth to get the feeling that a child loves you back. Now, having E, he realizes what "normal parenting" (if there is such a thing, but you know what I mean) feels like, and he's wondering about just one more.
But DH is after all younger. He also hasn't been a parent for anywhere near as long (five years as opposed to over two decades) and isn't burned out or getting that "I just want to be lazy and sleep in" feeling yet, etc. the way I sometimes do. It's a VERY tough call. I don't want to deny DH one more child if he wants one...it would be so unfair. But I feel like I'm getting so old.
We agreed to give it maybe a year and then re-visit thinking the whole thing. But my sister just told me that she's beginning menopause and is going on Premarin and she's only a year and a half older than I am.
I just thought I'd throw this out there...I don't know what anyone can tell me but maybe other people have had experiences as older parents, and as being the older one in a relationship who is on biological limited time? What's fair, what's not fair? How to come to such a decision? Thanks.
I just thought I'd throw this out there...I don't know what anyone can tell me but maybe other people have had experiences as older parents, and as being the older one in a relationship who is on biological limited time? What's fair, what's not fair? How to come to such a decision? Thanks.
Please go back to your own post about stay-at-home moms...
Please go back to your own post about stay-at-home moms...
Well, exactly. I'm getting old. I'm getting maybe a hair burned out. And I was looking forward to getting back to work.
It's just that this is a huge decision, and I know when I wanted children, I really wanted them...I know that feeling...and I would feel bad not allowing my DH to honor that feeling too.
Well, exactly. I'm getting old. I'm getting maybe a hair burned out. And I was looking forward to getting back to work.
It's just that this is a huge decision, and I know when I wanted children, I really wanted them...I know that feeling...and I would feel bad not allowing my DH to honor that feeling too.
Well, I don't have kids, so it's probably not my place to give such advices, but I can understand the dilemma if you didn't have any kids with your current husband. It would be unfair to him. That's not the case, though... You have two and the older one requires much more attention than a child without this condition. What in the world is so important about having a 3rd child...? I personally don't quite see the difference between having 2 or 3... It's not like having a problem with raising an only child. And, heck, yeah, why would you wanna start the cycle again at this age. I don't know, IMO enough is enough.
Well, exactly. I'm getting old. I'm getting maybe a hair burned out. And I was looking forward to getting back to work.
It's just that this is a huge decision, and I know when I wanted children, I really wanted them...I know that feeling...and I would feel bad not allowing my DH to honor that feeling too.
Jerz, I'm sorta in the same boat as you. My husband and I have two kids. They are both quite opposite, one is impaired like yours and the other is already earning scholarships at 7 years old. I've been comtemplating having another one also. I'm 37 right now and my kids are finally at the age where we can just pick up and go out of town or on a vacation without diapers, formula or aggravation! LOL But I LOVE being a mom, I feel so blessed with my two and I've been wanting to have another, just can't make up my mind. I would love to adopt, but I just don't have the money in the bank for that.
Plus, it sure is fun trying to get pregnant!
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
We agreed to give it maybe a year and then re-visit thinking the whole thing. But my sister just told me that she's beginning menopause and is going on Premarin and she's only a year and a half older than I am.
Another thing to keep in mind is that because there are no guarantees with children, you could have another child with autism or even a condition you haven't thought of and then you would be raising two special needs children. I know you would adore any child you had, but that would be tough.
Your idea of thinking about it for a year is a good one. You're obviously in a good place right now with your husband and enjoying your family life, but this isn't always the case (for any of us). If you keep wanting a child over the course of a year then it probably means it's a good decision for you.
I do not have a 21 yr old but I am considered an older first time mom since I had my first at 37 and my 2nd at 39, now I am 42 and the 3rd has crossed my mind until I see friends struggling with 3. I am also a stay at home mom and know that I would probably lose my mind knowing that 95% of the time I'd be with all 3 because hubby has to work/travel, etc. Also, the dynamics of adding a 3rd into the mix is scary because there are no guarantees; what if he/she comes out with worse health issues considering your age? Are you willing to spread yourself even that much more? I was just wondering if the 21 yr old still lives with you...if so, I could see why hubby could say why not, the 21 yr old helps out w/the kiddos?- but she will have to live her own life eventually. I do not have any kind of help like that, so like I said, it would be all up to me & your situation may be like that too. I am relishing in the days of no diapers now, I can carry a purse again, I do not have to carry a baby carrier/diaper bag/extra clothes...Does he maybe need to spend a few days in your shoes to "experience" what a 3rd would do to you? I wish you the best of luck & hope you make the right choice for your family.
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Free daycare! Wa-hoo.
