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Yes, that does seem out of character for him. But maybe similar to Lindsey's behavior change, Alexander is hitting the age where he's going to start challenging authority whether it's from a parent, teacher or other.
It does seem different from all that you know about him. All that you know about her. A has always been told by ib that he is the man of the house. He is not. He is the male child of the house.
Once he thinks [knows!] that he can get away with it, then it can get worse before it gets better.
He got to a point, as well as did she, that they knew they could get away with it. I loved them with all of my heart. I loved them unconditionally. I love them unconditionally. I have always treated them with respect. What I have come to realize is that the day ib pushed us in Burger King and treated us so badly was the beginning of all of this.
My son asked me why his father treated them the way he did. I told him I did not know. I told him I could not answer for any other person but myself. I promised the both of them that he would never treat us like we were the dirt under his feet again.
I felt like I kept my promise. I did keep my promise. But when we left him, they picked up his behaviors, and he continued his behaviors.
I now have three people treating me like crap. Disrespecting me. Talking down to me.
That's where the discipline part of parenting becomes such a heartache and chore.
Yesterday was one of the biggest heartaches I ever experienced in my life. It was the day that I brought the kids together. I brought them homw from their dads yesterday and on the way home I had to talk to them about their behaviors and treatment of me.
And when one parent is missing who is supposed to be one of the "rational disciplinarians", then kids will try to take advantage of the single parent.
They have taken more than advantage of me. So much more.
If cinderobyn disciplines him too much, then he's going to complain to dad and look for sympathy about what a "common enemy" cinderobyn is.
I'll bet that this will involve some sort of parental politics by Alexander at some point in time.
I had to discipline the hell out of them yesterday. last night on that drive home. They can complain to him all they would like. I will be their enemy. Best believe that if they had to live with him they would not think me the enemy.
They have both admitted to the fact that they show him more respect in the 2-3 minutes a day they talk to him than the whole day with me. The 4 days compared to the rest of the month with me. They admit to this, and to the fact that they would not disrespect him because he would beat the crap out of them. Also, having more respect, or at least treating their gmother with more respect than me because she would also beat the crap out of them.
Whenever a custodial parent tries to exert discipline on an older child by threatening to take away privileges or such, the child will try to leverage the other parent against the custodian. They want to get their way no matter what it takes, possibly even if it means choosing to live with the other parent.
I think that if a child becomes too insubordinate, then I just might say to go ahead, keep it up and you can go live with the other one. Tough love maybe, but at some point it should be understood to shape up or ship out.
Shape up or ship out is what is happening currently. I have given them each a single warning, and they have used it already. The kids know that one more time, the bags are packed. This is not just him, this is the both of them.
I may sound like a horrid person right now. I have had my head bashed in by my daughter. On March 10 of this year, I was in very bad shape. She repeatedly bashed my head, as well as slamming it into the wooden door jam. I suffered contusions and concussion. I went to the eye dr for my regularly sch appt the very next day and I have lost more vision in my right wye. I was asked to come back just to make sure it wasn't from that head injury.
I went back 2 weeks later and my vision in the right eye is still messed up. Who knows, it could be messed up in the left eye now, may be equally messed up.
Alexander should know that he wouldn't be better off, but unfortunately cinderobyn is stuck with having to make the tough choices about how to enforce some discipline in a tough situation.
She has my sympathies because smart kids can be tough nuts to crack, that's for sure.
Now just look at some of those grey hairs that kids can create!
Or how about "transfiguring"? (Being transformed into something else)
No, it is something about taking the time to retrain your thought pattern from abuse. Fromt he way you have thought was the right way for the longest time.
Stop trying to remember it and it'll probably wake you up at 3AM some night- you'll sit straight up saying the word!! It's not turnabout is it?
As for the kids and your challenges, I really feel for you and for them. They're both in puberty and pushing limits- they are dealing with a new kind of family and a new normal in their lives. They are dealing with their father's bullcrap. All of that is alot for an adult, let alone a child in an adult's body.
And with L- throw in the ASD rages and I don't blame you for feeling lost and frustrated and at the end of your rope. I know you're getting her all the help you can- and it sounds to me like you've done everything you possibly can for her. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you for feeling these things. And without a co-parent that's on your side, you are everything for her.
Do you think an extended visit with Dad this summer might be an eye opener? Maybe have one or both of them stay for three or more weeks to get a taste of day to day life with dad and grandma?
On June 27th flowers had been delivered to me. They were actually delivered the day before, and I was out sick, not seeing them til the 27th.
The second time I have ever had flowers delivered to me at work. Ever. In my life.
The first time was June 5th. Different workplace. Same man. Not my wasband, of course.
The message, beautiful.
5:01 Pm. I walk out the door of my work. It is a Friday. There is a van parked along the way and I see two people standing there. I can only see their feet. Like they are talking to one another.
The man that does the echos is walking ahead of me. He sees them. I know there is someone there.
It is L and D. The rest are around the corner. Meeting me at work. Greeting the end of my day.
They jump out to surprise me. I am not surprised, I knew someone was there, just did nto know who.
All the day long They were at home straigtening up the house. Such a wreck. A complete terror. The kids wreck the house all the time, I am so tired at the end of the day I jsut want to drop. They mess and mess and mess. They don't pick up anything, and they don't care.
It does not matter how much I beg and plead with them to help me. A washed one dish and tells his father ont he phone that I am making him wash dishes or clean the house. With this, I am not exaggerating.
We go to Wal Mart. D is going to buy the kids a video game for helping with the house. L gets to pick one game, the boys get upset because she gets to pick. She gets upset and starts with I am not going to pick, you this you that. blah blah blah. Storms off. I see where she is picking up speed to the front of the store. I run after her. She is getting to the door now.
I grab her before she goes in to the street. I have to restrain her. I was not well the day before. I was a bit week on this day but I held onto her. She screamed and tried to get away. I should have let her go.
She begins now to kick me. She is in front of me facing away from me. My arms are wrapped around her arms and mid section. It is so very hot outside and we are slipping against one another. I can hardly contain her.
I am thinking that people will be thinking I am trying to abduct her. Then I think, there is no way they would ever think that. If that is what was happening, there would be no way I would continue holding her. She is not dropping the f bomb, she is throwing it at me like hand grenade after hand grenade.
She continues to kick my shins. They are still bruised and sore. From my ankles to my knees here and there. She throws her head in a fierce backward motion. Banging very devestatingly into my head. I don't know if it was the left or right side, but once all was said and done, there were three blows to my head.
A police dispatch came up to me and asked me if I needed help, if I wanted her to call the police. People asking me if I needed help, are you ok?
Two of her old teachers approached us and tried to calm her. There was no calming her, and the police were called. Before they got there, I suppose D was wondering where we went off to. He came out the door to witness the final blow to my head as I screamed out. I saw him and I finally let her go. The police drove up.
I dropped to the ground.
Someone gave me a water. I sat on the concrete against the wall outside of Wal Mart. I could hardly breathe. Pain wrapped its arms around my being.
Hurt and pain. Physical pain and heartache. Police Officer Colby stood infront of me, guarding me from the sun. He asked me if I was ok. He asked me if I needed an ambulance. I don't know. I tell him I don't know. I askl him how L is. He tells me she is calming down, back w D. She is fine. He is more concerned with my well being at this point.
Do I think she wants to hurt herself, he asks me. I know the answer to this question is going to decide if she rides off in that car like I did that night. Whne someone lied to the police and said that I was a danger to myself and all others around me.
I thought about the question. No. She only wanted to hurt me, to keep me from restraining her. He wanted to call rescue for me. My left eye was black. Concussion. Nausea. Confusion a bit later.
He asks me to at least please go sit inside, out of the sun. I would not. Not knowing my daughter was out there. I didn't even have the strength to do it. It took me a few minutes before I could get up.
D came to me and asked me to please go inside. I did. L was with the police.
She raised her fist to me just this past Thursday night. I caught her arm.
Such disrespect these kids have for me.
My foot came crashing down last night and I am not lifting it.
These kids are going to treat me with respect, knowing that I will always love them, but that I have no respect for them at this time. None. I tell them it is my duty to love them, care for them, but not to respect them.
L has admittedly told people that I have to earn her respect, and that basically she can do as she wishes.
Not anymore.
They know that they have used their warning, and if another word of disrespect is uttered from their mouths, that is it.
Friday morning they both got up after my waking them to take them to meet their father and talked to me like I was crap.
No more. Never again.
Some times I jsut feel like running away, but I have not. I have stuck with them, through it all. I have left my husband and taken care of my children and they have taken his place in my treatment.
Also google autism support group and the name of your town- I found a few listings.
I think talking with other parents online and also in person might help you to develop some coping skills to deal with L's quirks. And also you'll receive some coaching on how to encourage her to cope.
This is getting scary and dangerous for you. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.
These things she is doing have nothing to do withb Autism or AS. These are behavior issues. She justifies herself by saying she gets aggrivated and can't stop herself.
I know the child knows right from wrong, because she gets VERY mad and aggrivated at her fathers house and would not dare do those things to he or his family..
We have gone over this. I feel like running away sometimes. Today has ben a pretty good day.
A has been much better than she has. The disrespect will not leave her. It is not as bad as it was by any means.
She just doesn't care about consequences. I will not do it anymore.
ib finally got the kids covered under ins that will cover something. I called him yesterday evening and told him it had been more than 90 days since that coverage started and does he have the kids insured yet.
He said the ins has not lapsed and he has talked with someone at work re it.
He hung up on me.
I told him I could no longer afford to pay out of pocket for all of these medical expenses. he gave me some ins info today and I called to verify eligibility. I asked him where the card was. He told me I would have to wait for him to send it to me. I told him I was not paying out of pocket any more for her meds. I could not. That is when he gave me the #s.
He goes on to tell me he has faith that I can handle this.
The other day when I dropped the kids with him, he told me he was spending a lot of money on a bad babysitting job.
A wore pants when he should have worn shorts. Did not have anything ready, blames it on the wash. Then he asks L if she has a real bra on. Then he looks at the kids and asks them if they have on socks.
PULEEZ! He tells me I am going to see whats going to happen. Yo'll see, he says.
His threats... even after all this time. He is a SOB. I am so over it.
It is night, and dark outside. The time is more than ten fifteen. I walk out the front door of Chimes, never wanting to go back, sometimes.
Down the stairs I float, but on this night, not so much a float. My feet stomp angrily down the way as I make a left turn out of my sidewalk and down the street into the darkness.
There are light poles here and there, and they light my way, somehow. A warm breeze surrounds me, engulfing me. I do not let it take me. Instead, I look upward, at the stars and the moon. All so very bright, if you just look.
I walk and I walk. Looking up into the dark trees, listening to the breeze float through. Everyones lights are out, except for one or two.
I walk and I walk until I think I cannot remove any more anger. I near the house and the anger will not leave me. Up the stairs I go, moving towards the front porch swing. Swinging faster and faster. Singing a song. Eric Clapton.
I hear the front door opening. W and G. The guitar has been messed with and is out of tune. D is in NYC.
L started summer school today, so that she may retain what ever it is that she learned this year.
She has been so against going. Having gone ever year, I sent her this year again, especially when she really is in need of structure right now.
My mind goes all over the place about the kids. About the treatment. About why. I don't even get into the whole why me thing. What is the use anyway?
I used to just let it be, but I cannot anymore. I cannot live liket his, and I will not let it be. Not from him, not from them. Not ever again.
I thought I broke free. I really thought I did. But I took a look around, my eyes were opened. I did not like what I saw. I do not like what I saw.
My heart hurts for you and the kids as I read your words. There are many behavior issues facing you and consequences for the kids, now and long term. Physical abuse is NEVER ok, not for them or you. The strength you have shown caring for them and trying to sheild them when you could is amazing-BUT you need to take care of yourself also. One of the things I tell my daughter is "you can not give to others out of your well if the well is empty". Somewhere in all the minutes of a day find time to refresh yourself. I will keep you all in my prayers.
My heart hurts for you and the kids as I read your words. There are many behavior issues facing you and consequences for the kids, now and long term. Physical abuse is NEVER ok, not for them or you. The strength you have shown caring for them and trying to sheild them when you could is amazing-BUT you need to take care of yourself also. One of the things I tell my daughter is "you can not give to others out of your well if the well is empty". Somewhere in all the minutes of a day find time to refresh yourself. I will keep you all in my prayers.
Blessings to you.
Thank you. There ARE many behavior issues at hand right now. So far, the kids have not played the disrespect your mother game, for the most part. L seemed like she couldn't even help herself with it yesterday morning but it was not nearly as severe as it has been in the past.
I thank you for your prayers. I know my children do not want to live there. I know they don't. Continuence of these behaviors will land them there.
I don't want them there either. I also don't want to find myself dead from head injury.
Not a T word, a C word. Conditioning. I heard the word the word last night. The word was actually used in conversation, and it was talking about me. I was conditioned.
I thought I was rid of that conditioning, but it all came crashing back. The way the kids were making me feel, the way he talks to me, everything.
I put my foot down witht he kids, he is next. I thought it would be yesterday, but he was halfway nice and I was getting ready to go back in to work.
It is coming. I have taken a trip on that thing called the high road for so long. So very long.
Now, I am not saying here that I am going to take the low road and become a low life. No. I am not him. I am myself.
I am trying to gain the courage to just let him know. He needs to know that he can not ever treat me this way again. Not ever.
So, this morning the coffee is pretty good.
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June 27th.
