Moving foward back to where I should be. (betrayed, therapist, relation)

[bluegrassgirl]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Robin, this post is right on the money, as are several others. Your family needs professional intervention - yesterday! Bringing your daughter back to her father will do absolutely NOTHING to address the issues. Your child needs help and YOU must get it for her. I understand the need to keep yourself and your son safe, but sending her to him was not the answer. Act quickly to get professionals involved that can work on a temporary placement for her in a theraputic setting - until you get a plan of action. Do you HAVE to move right now? It seems a bit much to take that on too in the middle of this crisis situation. Either way, I implore you, seek professional help immediately.

I will agree totally with your sentitments as I did in the other thread. I just don't understand why this entire family isn't in therapy. There are apparently multiple issues and I can't believe that a judge hasn't mandated counseling for everyone. This child who has a legitimate health issue has witnessed abuse, divorce, and an affair (if I understand correctly?). A healthy 11 year old would most likely demonstrate behavior problems. As I also mentioned, what on earth is happening with the son? Again, there are multiple things happening in the family that no one can fix on the computer. A professional is needed for all involved.

[pirate girl]

I was rushed offline earlier and didn't get to complete my thoughts- as far as L's behavioral problems, I have to agree with the people who said that throwing her into an abusive household is never going to solve her problems.

You may have already ruined your chances of regaining custody of her- and of keeping custody of A- I don't know if your actions constitute abandonment in the eyes of the law or not- but if there is any way you can find a therapeutic situation for her right now, you need to do so. She needs 24 hour care, medication maintenance, as well as intensive therapy to learn how to deal with the changes in her life as well as coping skills to deal with frustration.

I know insurance is an issue. I know finances are tight in your world. But agencies like social services, youth and family services, even some of the autism support groups exist for the sole purpose of helping people like yourself and L get through these things. You need to turn over every stone and not take NO for an answer. This is your daughter and you are her advocate.

If that means reporting the incidents to the police, so be it. If you have to file some kind of charges, do it. Better for her to have a juvenile record for assault than an adult record later- or worse, a true tragedy that she is responsible for and has to live with.

You have spent the last year rebuilding your life. You have stepped forward, you have fallen backward. You have lived, you have learned. It's time to stop dwelling on what has happened in your past- you cannot change that. Nobody can. But you have all the power in the world to mold the future and make it the best it possibly can be for your children. Not only do you have that power, but you, as their parent, have a responsibility to do so.

I know you're embarking on a new romance that you are sure will make everything right in your world. However, take a deep breath and a good look at your life right now. How much will that romance really mean to you in a few years if you have lost both of your kids or if your daughter is incarcerated for her own violent behavior?

If this man is the right one, he will understand that you have your own housekeeping to do within YOUR life. If he loves you he will give you the time, space and support that you need to straighten things out and make things right in your world. And when everything is resolved, you will be stronger and better for having done the right thing. And if he is the man for you, he will be waiting with open arms on the other side of this journey. Possibly having traveled it with you, but having given you the authority to travel your own path in your own way and in your own time.

[Madreof3]

Well said Pirate Girl, I have drafted several things to say but know they will come across
as critical to Robyn.

Robyn so many people can't all be wrong. This is your beautiful little girl, please don't
just throw her away because it's just to hard. Nobody said being a parent was easy, it
is the hardest job. As Pirate Girl has said you need to put whats best for your children
first, and that includes your little girl SHE NEEDS YOU HER MOTHER NOW MORE THAN EVER.

PLEASE DO THE RIGHT THING FOR YOUR DAUGHTER before it's to late.

[totallyfrazzled]

I think so many readers are shocked by this new information because we were assuming that what Robyn called L's 'meltdowns' were no more than a slightly exaggerated version of a normal preteen temper tantrum or drama-queen episode. At least that's how I interpreted it: the typical door-slamming, yelling/talking back, angry/tears conversation, along with the common 'I hate my life'/'I hate you! outbursts. I don't think there's anyone in the entire world who hasn't done all those things multiple times at those ages.

But for an 11-yr-old girl to routinely get so out of control that she has to be restrained, is a whole other thing. And for her to be able to (and KNOW she's able to) physically attack her mother AND WIN THE FIGHT.... is not normal, not typical, and must be terrifying for everyone around her. Especially not knowing when her next 'meltdown' will come.

Robyn, you don't know me and so I can only present my thoughts for whatever they're worth, but I was very dismayed when I read about the kids meeting D and then you all going on a trip together. You may be separated and the divorce coming through in only a few months but the fact is that you're still married to their father so yes, you're having an affair and you've presented that to your kids as an okay thing by involving them in your relationship. They may be 11 and 13 but they're not stupid, they know you and D are more than just friends. Not to moralize or anything but wouldn't it have been more tactful and less emotionally stressful on A and L to keep that relationship secret from them until after you were actually divorced? You said your sep agreement said you both could date other people but I don't think any state allows a sep agreement to overrule domestic relations law (adultery). As pirategirl says, by some of your actions you've not only weakened your case for custody of either of your kids but you've given your husband a bunch of new ammunition he can use to go on the offensive against YOU. If he has a decent lawyer that's exactly what he'll probably do. You've loaded a legal "gun" lately and then handed it to him, especially by voluntarily relinquishing custody of L. I don't understand why you chose to do that.

And IMO btw, D should not be having any sort of conversations with your husband. I can't imagine why you'd want or allow that to happen. IMO that is simply bizarre, unless you're deliberately trying to antagonize your soon-to-be-ex. Even more bizarre is why D should even WANT to talk to him. No wonder A and L are confused. They must both be feeling like they're in a war zone, trying to avoid the crossfire, for the past 12 months and things have gotten even more complicated in the last month or so. It's a shame that neither of them seem to have ANYBODY to talk to who isn't involved in this convoluted mess on one side or the other. I feel really sorry for both of them.

[future1]

Sitting here reading posts makes it easy for us to offer direction-BUT how many of us have ever been beaten to the point of needing emergency medical attention? Serious injuries from a child we gave birth to are not something to take lightly. Being afraid to sleep in your own home and fearing for the other child's life are major factors in the decision to allow the child to live with her father. Not a best choice to be sure, but letting a child beat the crap out of Mom on a regular basis is not an option either. Sounds like this girl may need some serious mental health intervention and neither household is capable of giving her that attention at this time.

Using social services may give L exposure to someone/somewhere who has the ability to show her what her actions are doing and what her future may hold if she doesn't get under control. Not everyone in the system is bad or uncaring-give L another option besides her father. If may be one of the best things you do for her.

[Pikantari]

I am not upset with any of your thoughts., and I am not taking them lightly.

I read future 1s post. I never wanted to paint the picture of my daughter being this way. My daughter has taken me to the point that I needed medical attn twice, and if the bashing to my head continued, I do think I would not be here, especially with me being Epileptic.

I know everyone thinks I am a horrible person, a bad mother. I have gone over and over on what to do about this.

Her meltdowns were not merely preteen upset. I never wanted to share that information, and I find now, that I should not have shared anything.

She has raised her fist to my face so many times. She is full of rage. She lies, she manipulates.

I am not trying to play victim. Folks, you were not me when these things happened.

You were not here. You did not witness, you did not feel. You do not know.

I do not know what else I can say. I know I have put her into the arms of the devil, I know that. I have been in contact with proper channels.

For now, this is what had to happen. It is one thing to attack someone with your hands, to bang heads into wooden doorjams, slam a door onto a persons face.

Cause terrible injuries. But pick up a knife. That is another thing.

I cannot try to explain. She had these other 'meltdowns' when we were together. They were horrid. She never physically assaulted me those times, though she tried. She assaulted her brother, as she has done many times over.

She verbally assaults people.

I don't know what else to say. I have not chosen my children, one over the other. I have, however, done what I can for now, to protect my son. To protect myself.

I am not flaunting a relationship infront of my kids. I also know you feel that. I am not doing anything explicit infront of my kids. I am not stupid.

I do not know why I feel like I have to explain myself, but here I sit.

Right now, he is telling her what to think, what to say. I already knew that would happen. I took so many things into consideration.

I have talked with my children about their behaviors, I have gone over things with them.

A has done fine with this, but L has not. She thinks it is ok to do the things she does. Saying she is sorry after the fact, many hours later. That does not make it ok to do.

I sent her there, infront of the police, for one week. I handed over one weeks worth of medication, and the police witnessed that. They witnessed the date and time she was to come back. They know what happened that day, it is all written up.

All of the lies that he and his sister reported to the police are also written up. The sister saying that she is the mother of the kids and that I had abducted L.

I don't know what else to say but I did this because I had to get her out of the house immediately. I am following the proper channels currently to get her help, and if that means being in the hospital, thats what it means.

I know, the police could have taken her that day in June, I know this. There were probably at least a hundred people who saw me go tot he ground. I was not alone with her.

There were two of her teachers there trying to calm her. There was a police dispatch there. There were people just walking by. Are you ok, can I help you?

I was frozen. I was just trying to hold onto her so that she would not run out into the street, or hurt someone else.

If that makes me a terrible person, I am a terrible person.


She stopped when D came out and I let her go. Onto the ground I went. He calmed her down and the police came. They talked to me, I could not get up. They wanted me to go inside, they wanted an ambulance for me, I could not think if I needed help, I did not have any strength to move. I was dizzy, I was in severe pain, I was nothing.

I am not playing victim. I am telling how it is.

I do not feel like a victim. I feel like a mother who had to make the hardest decision of her life.

I am not upset at any of your words. Just like any other time, I read them, process them, and do with them what I need to.

In your eyes, I believe that I have turned into some horrible monster of a person.

My God. Would I have ever done this if I did not think it was absolutely necessary? I would not.

We have to let everything go her way, wether it is the right way or not, for fear of her outbursts, or her outbursts turning into me getting the hell beat out of me. She does not throw punches to the stomach.

That would be ok, compared to what she does. No. She takes to my head. The first time, I was in and out.

People you were not here. You cannot possibly know what happens. You cannot possibly know the pain in my heart right now that she is not with me.

While I have pain, I also know that right now we are safe from her wrath.

My son should not have to protect me from her. My daughter should not have to be with that man. I know this. Don't you think I know this???

My God.

No. Her meltdowns were not just teenage upsets. They were rages that lasted on and on. Hitting her brother.

Did I feel ok saying that was happening on here? No, I did not.

I know you think I am not the face/voice of reason right now. I know that.

Right now, I have done what I needed to do to protect us.

Right now, he is telling her that I don't love her and that I do not want her as a daughter. He is telling her all sorts of things.

He is doing what he always does, but now he has the chance to do his job even better. I know this. I know this.

I have not lost my mind, and I am not choosing man over child. I am choosing living. I have had to make the choice of saving my son and I.

You may think I have made a bad choice, and that is ok. This choice has nothing to do with anything but that.

The choice so very painful. Weighing on me. Him telling me I am a terrible mother. Me feeling it from some here that I am a terrible mother.

The minute I question myself is the minute I know that I did what I had to do last Friday. I do have a thought process, and I have been wondering what I am going to do.

No. I am not a psychiatrist. I am not a psychologist. I am not a clinical social worker.

I am a scared mother. I am a mother who is being beaten half to death.

What do they say on an airplane if you are going down? Who should take the first breath of oxygen?

I know you guys think I am crazy, stupid, whatever you may think of me.

That is ok. Don't think for a minute that I have not discussed this with people around me. The what if this, the what if that..... the she does this, what am I going to do?

I know that I had to run away from him for the person he is. I knwo that he is painting me to be a horrible person. I know this.

Right now he is trying to win her over. They all are. They are making it as though I am the devil, and they are heaven on earth.

She comes home from there hating them, but right now, their brainwashing techniques are in play.

Do not think I do not know this. I do.

So why did you do it? Sometimes we have to do things we may not want to do. This is one of those times.

That is all I can say. Thank you all for being here for me and giving me your thoughts and opinions. I have read every word. I have taken it all into consideration.

Please just know that I did not do this out of hatrid for my daughter or to punish her. Please know that you were not here, you are not me. You cannot possibly know what happened unless you are going through the same thing.

Now, I am still in the process of getting her help. I am not just standing idly by as you think I am.

That is not me. Am I afraid she thinks I don't love her? Of course I am. Of course I am.

[Pikantari]

also, if I were to die tomorrow, where do you think the kids would go? who do you think they would be with? close to death..... if it didn't stop...

please consider what i am saying

[Pikantari]

I asked a mod to close the other one.

For you, I will end my drama. My drama ends here.

L is my daughter, ib is my sob wasband, A is my son. This chronicle has gone on since last year, July 12. Ups and downs.

Those who chose to read, give advise and support did so. Those who read to ***** and moan also do so.

Worry no more.

The drama ends now.

Thank you all for all of your support, kind words, for your everything.

Thank you so much.

Robyn

[Magnolia Bloom]

Placing your emotionally disturbed daughter with her abusive father and his manipulative family does not make you a good mother interested in the safety of her children. You're just wrong about that.

I have to think that all the suggestions to obtain psychological counseling for you and your kids have gone unheeded because you have something to hide yourself in your behavior and parenting.

Sending a child to the home of an abuser is never the right decision. It is a selfish decision.

[rockky]

Robyn, You could call Children's Services today. Tell them that your daughter is having serious behavioral problems and you are unable to control her. You fear that you may harm her in some way, or her abusive father may hurt her. (Yes, that sounds horrible, but that's how to get the ball rolling for L.) Make sure they know of the Asperger's diagnosis. You have the police reports as backup.

This will get your entire family into the system. Hopefully, you and the children will receive the professional services you have needed for some time.

I sincerely wish you well.